NEWSLETTER: "KIM UNVEILS SUCCESSOR TO STUNNED MEL"
"Kim unveils successor to stunned Mel"
This Week:
* PAPER PLANES - dropped from the edge of space
* BOOKS - Judged by their covers
* CHALLENGE - Mr Ed, the talking politician
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're all Murdoch
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | paywall refugees
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| ... together"
B3ta email (issue_count++) - 1st Oct 2010
Seed this issue as a torrent:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue448/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
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Stars of the www.stytv.co.uk, Richard and Dan,
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Find out how they get on visiting the offices
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>> Sponsor B3ta <<
We will be your ad bitches for pennies.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Human League, Books & Paper planes in Space
>> Judging books by their covers <<
"Today I have been judging books by their
covers", writes Faceburger, "Ronseal!" Yep, and
a great little gag format here.
http://tinyurl.com/bookywook
>> 20,000 Human Leagues Under the Sea <<
The crew of the Nautilus find it hard to
tolerate Captain Nemo's angsty obsession with
80s pop. Well done, stumpymoose.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/20_000_Human_Leagues_Und...
>> Launching paper planes from the edge of space <<
Joel Veitch is working with a very clever
chappy and together they are plannning to drop
paper planes from the very edge of space and
see how far they go. Potentially they could go
100s of miles - unless Joel runs out of bog
roll and uses the planes as arse-wipe.
http://www.projectspaceplanes.com/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
What was I thinking?
Last week we wanted inexplicable decisions
you've made that haunt you to this day. And the
winner is... a story about poo. We love you,
QOTW people:
http://b3ta.com/questions/decisions/
* SPLAT - "I remember one time years ago, I was
about 10 or 11 years old and a couple of my
mates and I were on our way home from the park.
We were all in a jovial mood and life was good.
I was, however, bursting for a shite. I spotted
a massive oblong cardboard box and had my
'brainwave'. "Watch this!" I said to my mates.
The plan was to pull the box over my head,
crouch inside it, take down my breeks and
skegs, curl out a steaming turd, do myself up
again and then move away whilst still inside
the box. In my head I imagined that this would
be the most spectacular thing: a shitting box!
Well, it didn't quite work out that way. After
lowering the box over myself, I dropped my
jeans and Ys, squatted and let go. It was utter
fucking carnage. My poor wee arse exploded and
slurries of stagnant shite splattered the
inside and outside of my pants and jeans. It
was all over the backs of my legs, my socks and
my trainers. And the smell! Sweet Jebus, that
fucking smell. And I hadn't even thought about
what I was going to wipe my arse with! Throwing
the box off in a panic, I stood there
speechless, my denims half up/down covered in
my own waste. My mates stared back in shock and
terror, swiftly followed by laughter and glee.
Bastards. I told my mum that I had fallen in
dog shit. Thankfully she didn't pursue how it
had ended up on the inside... (Helmut McBucket)
* SPLOOSH - "I'll just say this... Don't ever,
EVER, put milk through a Sodastream."
(bassmeister)
* SPLASH - "I volunteered to take part in a
Bukkake session at London Zoo. I don't know
what came over me." (The Oscillating Gibbon)
>> This Week's Question: Money <<
What have you recently splurged your
hard-earned dosh on, only to find out that
you'd have been better off burning it on a
small Scottish island for warmth? Talk to us
here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/wasteofmoney/
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: BONUS SPONSORED IPHONE LINK
Fantastic new iPhone game!
Sand Slides is the great new game from Logik
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steroids, and is nothing short of brilliant.
http://bit.ly/bemeaa
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Tilt shift Van Gogh <<
Tilt shift photography was everywhere a year
ago. Now some clever people have applied the
same effect to Van Gogh's paintings, making
them look like pop-up versions. Someone should
do the same for Jackson Pollock.
http://www.artcyclopedia.com/hot/tilt-shift-van-go...
>> The most NSFW SFW pic ever <<
Do not look at this pic in the office, despite
the fact that once you really look at it and
grasp what it is, you've never seen anything
more innocent.
http://i.imgur.com/P7Qw7.jpg
>> Misspelled food <<
We thought this sounded a bit shit and rather
like the sort of item they used to do on That's
Life in the 80s. But somehow, it's really
rather spiffing.
http://www.urlesque.com/2010/09/10/foods-misspelle...
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: RETRO GAMING OLD FARTS CORNER
Because it's cool to play Dance Dance
Revolution like your dad
>> 8 bit wood culture <<
Apple's iPhone 4 pixels are now literally too
small to see, but at the same time the
nostalgia for chunkier days grows and grows:
http://www.8bitwood.com/
>> Webpage Asteroids <<
Install this bookmarklet (a little browser
button that does funky shit to your web pages)
and you'll be able to shoot any item on a
website in a 1970s video game stylee.
http://erkie.github.com/
>> Console funeral <<
Old consoles pay their respects to an Xbox 360
who died too soon. Like Dad and his old lag
mates from the pub at his son's funeral.
http://goo.gl/MVFz
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like if books had moving pictures
* AC/DC Vs GHOSTBUSTERS - When AC/DC were huge
in the early 80s, the official B3ta dad was
very alarmed that so many people were walking
around wearing t-shirts advertising their
bisexuality. (Hello dad!) Anyway, one of those
mash-up things that's better than most.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/AC_DC_vs_Ghostbusters
* ACTION VID - Freddie Wong is best known for
his work as a professional Guitar Hero/Rock
Band player. Quite what has happened to the
world that you can be a professional computer
games player we don't know, but Freddie is also
a pretty awesome amateur film maker. BTW, the
ever-so-slightly good looking women in the
video? Shenae Grimes, whose main job is to
starve herself skinny for TV shows like 90210.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/new_freddie_vid
* SURPRISED VADER - the tickling kitten meme
continues and it's always delightful.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Suprised_Vader
* DRUNK HISTORY - genius idea for a clip: get a
historian bloke pissed and then get him to
explain his pet subject. We could watch hours
of this. That's you, that is!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Drunk_History:3
* CAT VS SPIDER - With kung fu sound effect.
SPOILERS: The spider doesn't make it.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cats_Vs_Spider
* JAMAICAN DR WHO - you simply haven't watched
Dr Who until you've seen Cybermen dubbed into
Jamaican. We'd like to see this done with
Thomas the Tank Engine, Peppa Pig or the Tory
Party Conference.
http://youtu.be/s41r9ZUE3uw
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Running this shit makes us die inside
* BEST KIDDY T-SHIRT EVER - "It's fine for New
York, but maybe Des Plaines shouldn't have
followed suit", writes Jair. And whilst 99% of
our readers will get this allusion, for the 1%
that don't: look up 'dp' on UrbanDictionary.
http://www.iheartdp.com/
* FUNNY URL CORNER - Restoration Dept writes,
"This had to happen. The city of Perm (Russia,
you know, that far right corner of the map)
has just acquired a shiny new News site."
http://newsperm.ru/
* DICK TRICKLE - no laughing at the back. OK,
you weren't.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dick_Trickle
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Parallel Universes
Last week we wanted you to imagine everything
in reverse
Your favourites included:
* COWELL - the tables are turned as Mr Nasty
takes his turn in the spotlight (benito
vasselini)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10197156
* BEATLES - rock's most iconic album
cover gets the 180 degree treatment
(pzyko)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10197227
* 9/11 - attack of the killer skyscrapers (I'm
too sexy for my Fiend)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10196359
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/parallel/
>> New challenge: Ed Miliband <<
Britain has a new leader of the opposition: Ed
Miliband. Introduce him to the world of serious
politics with a big b3tan welcome, and get all
photoshoppy on his appearance.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/miliband/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* MORE CRANK LETTERS FROM B3TANS - Mr
Nerdy-Speccy-FuckNuts writes, "I wrote to
Nickelodeon to discuss the shape of Spongebob
squarepants' pants. As they are not square!"
http://sendthemanemail.blogspot.com/
* COPYWRONG FILM FEATURING CASSETTEBOY -
Cassetteboy writes, "I feature very briefly in
a new short film called 'Remediation' by Miles
Joseph. It's about attitudes to copyright. If
you've got 4 minutes and 17 seconds to spare,
you can see the film on Miles' website."
http://www.milesjoseph.com
* READERS COMPLAINTS, rhinoceros moans, "The
headline about Moyles is lame and anomalously
mainstream. I hope next week's will be better."
Hmm, did we do better this week? The
alternatives included:
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10205762
* OUR READERS ARE FUCKING INSANE - nabarry
confesses, "i made my ex cum spagetti and
enjoyed wathing her enjoy it." (sic)
* ARSEY URL SHORTENER - as well as buggering
about with paper plane space stuff this week,
Cr3 and Veitch have also made a rather rude URL
shortener.
http://upthear.se/
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: FRIDAY GAME
We're sorry for being shit
Every so often people moan that there's no
Friday games anymore. Well, to be honest we're
not playing many web games at the moment,
instead it's just iPhone crap. Currently we're
so massively addicted to iPhone Scrabble that
when we just corrected a typo we heard an inner
voice say: "No. Leave it, it's worth more
points".
So yeah - play iPhone Scrabble - or if you want
a multi-player version on a massive board try
"Words with Friends."
Or if you really, really want some flash
gaming, visit Kongregate and click on whatever
shit they're doing these days.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* A BIG GOOGLE MAP THING FOR CELEBS - so you
can type in your postcode and find out which
celebs live in your area. (We were very excited
this week to learn that Labour leader Ed
Miliband shares our NW5 postcode, although he
lives in the posh end, rather than our shabby
bit with the crackheads.)
* AN INFINITE PORN MACHINE - available in
homes, offices, or even your phone that you
could like type shit into and get porn. Can you
imagine? Oh.
* LIGHT BULBS THAT NEVER POP DESPITE HAVING
DODGY WIRING - we often end up sitting in the
dark at B3ta HQ for this very reason.
Attach your contributions as a word document
and shit through our gaping cyber-letterbox:
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Jews for Gingers: [email protected]
Scientologists: [email protected]
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THANKS B3TAN - THA3ANS
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson using the awesome combined technology
of a TextWrangler, Mediawiki and Google Docs.
BTW: in older issues we used to say "edited"
but stopped with that pompous rubbish when
someone we once went to school with thought
that it meant we didn't actually write the damn
thing. Stuff sent in by larry7may,
chocolatelemming, Bad Monkey, King Ralph,
croc_mad, Gingey, joemuggs, Smale, Alphabet
Soap, antonvowl and x.twinx.x. Subjlols via
benito vasselini. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
bloke.
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TOP TIP:
Muteboy wrote in to complain, "Shave in the
shower? Save time and soap? What about the
gigantic waste of water? Piss in the shower,
that's more like it."
