NEWSLETTER: "PONY'S DAY TRIP RUINED BY RAIL STAFF"
This Week:
* KITTEN - That smoke fags
* SQUIRRELS - Dead, and played with by child
* QUESTION - Trolls. Tell us about trolls
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're pretending to
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | like Lady Gaga's
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| new album... together"
B3ta soupy shit 479 - 20 May 2011
Bury this issue in a pet cemetery:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue479/
Full communion: [email protected]
Excommunication: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
VW Campervan Tent. A TENT shaped like a van FFS
Going to a festival this summer? You probably
can't afford an actual VW Camper Van as the 60s
ones go for extraordinary money (up to £26k
according to vwcampercrazy.co.uk) but £300 will
get you a tent that looks roughly the same and
will guarantee people will come and chat to you.
Assuming you want people to chat to you, which
we hope you do, as that's basically the secret
of getting laid. The starting point anyway. Buy
one on Firebox:
http://goo.gl/2aehF
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than making crusty, semen-filled socks
>> Grey Bloke's Rapture <<
Monochrome nerd Greybloke returns with good
advice on how to cope with Mr Lord Jesus's
imminent plans to return and form a posse.
http://goo.gl/kWuNl
>> Seven Little Cats Kissin' <<
"The long-awaited sequel to 'Don't Bring Lou
Lou'!" exclaims The Twisted Omentum. This is
very much an old-school b3ta music vid,
"Featuring several of our and our friends' cats.
Be gentle!"
http://goo.gl/NqTq5
>> The Nature Song <<
"I done created a new animashun," writes little
Koit. "Weirdly, it's completely family friendly
and suitable for all." This is sweet - is Koit
mellowing in his old age?
http://www.highasakoit.co.uk/nature.php
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Conversation Killers
Sometimes you say something and the conversation
around you stops dead. Well, I say sometimes.
This lot seem to exist in permanent silence:
http://b3ta.com/questions/conversationkillers/
* SAT NAV FUNERAL - "A couple of years ago, I
was at a mate's funeral. It wasn't a happy
occasion; he'd hit a tree and, because he was
divorced and his firm kept no records of his ex
or kids, they hadn't got to his bedside while he
was still conscious. So far, so bummer. As
Grimsby Crematorium is noted for scrotes stealing
stuff from cars during services, someone had
brought his satnav in with him: just before the
son got up to his reading, a disembodied voice
said, 'You have reached your destination.'
Dead silence, followed by muffled snorts from
half the congregation." (all my scars face forward)
* EVERY PARENT'S NIGHTMARE - "Chatting to a bird
at the pub. All going well. She asks me my name
and I reply, absolutely deadpan, 'Well, up until
the age of 10 it was Jon Venables.' Dirty look
and conversation over. I've no idea where this
came from, I wasn't trying to make a joke, I've
never used that before - it was just the first
thing that came to my head. It just came from
nowhere. It was like I was cock-blocked by a
momentary demonic possession." (Regger)
* BANANA SEX LOLS - "Aged fifteen, crowded
school classroom, it's the end of the school day
and we wait for 'Donkey' Delaney to come along,
tick off our names in the register and dismiss
us for the afternoon. It is a Friday, we are so
excited. Conversation is, as you'd expect, quite
animated. Donkey Delaney walks through the door.
The class falls silent. All except for Tracey.
Poor, poor Tracey with her pneumatic, hypnotic
chest and the conversation killer to end them
all: 'Well, I prefer a banana because it's got
just the right curve on it.' Monday came, and
her desk was piled high with bananas. Tuesday
came, and there was a new school rule."
(Scaryduck)
>> This Week's Question: trolls <<
Are you a troll? Ever pwn3d a troll with your
1337 intarnet sk1llz? Or do you live under a
bridge and eat goats? Tell us your trolly
stories, both from the web and from real life:
http://b3ta.com/questions/trolls/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Rare colour photos from the Depression era <<
The past isn't a foreign country, it's just an
earlier version of now and it's extraordinary.
http://goo.gl/IYmaO
>> What's the worst bit of design ever done? <<
Our vote is the enter key on this Macbook that
the twats at Apple refuse to replace and
actually told me I'm pushing wrongly. It
constantly pops off its little hinge thingie.
Most people are voting for other stuff, mind:
http://goo.gl/gCgyN
>> Incredible flea market DIY modular synth <<
A snapshot of another world where mad hobbyists
built their own synths because there was no
alternative that didn't cost a fortune. These
days, we all play the same sounds on our iPads
and delude ourselves about a thing called
progress.
http://is.gd/5mbLOh
>> Mind-bending article from Roseanne Barr <<
On how the TV suits tried to wrestle control
from her and how she said no. A lesson of sorts
- media companies will always grab grab grab as
they've done you such a favour in working with
you.
http://tinyurl.com/6jkmsdq
>> Bit coins <<
A subject that's got the geeks excited this week:
a concept to produce an internet form of cash
outside of the banks. As money basically only
works if you believe in it, there's no reason
this couldn't ultimately succeed, other than
the banks freaking out and pressuring governments
to make it illegal. Which they will.
http://goo.gl/SFDOr
>> PR lies in your press <<
Nice of this PR company '72 Point' to proudly
list all of the bullshit lies they've helped fill
our media with on behalf of their clients.
http://bit.ly/QWp5B
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
VHS stands for Very Hot Spools.
>> Cute toddler plays with dead squirrel <<
We like squirrels - yes, they are rats with
tails but they are also cheeky, eat nuts and
scamper round our local park. We're not so sure
about dead squirrels and definitely not sure we
would let a three-year-old girl play with one.
Gross but amazing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Darth Vader plays trombone <<
This guy is absolutely awesome and craps on any
of the useless acts found on TV talent shows.
Having said that, we fear it's only a matter of
time before Darth Cowell snaps him up and makes
him fodder for his entertainment sausage
machine.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Swearing toy phone <<
The perfect gift for a child with Tourette's (or
very square, religious parents). We'd like one for
Christmas please.
http://goo.gl/ATLA4
>> Kitty Ciggy <<
Even the most fanatical non-smokers will enjoy this:
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Kitty_Ciggy
>> Best new sport ever <<
This takes a while to get going, but be patient
and you will be rewarded with footage of an
extraordinary new sport. We'd like to see it at
next year's Olympics but are not sure if the
world is ready for it yet.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Wait_for_it:15
>> Mentos missile <<
There's a long tradition of people doing stuff
with Mentos and coke bottles on the internet.
Some of it is good, some of it is bad, but this
is incredible.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Mentos_Missile
>> Facebook / Google sticks you in a bubble <<
If you spend a lot of time on Facebook, it's
easy to believe that everyone you know shares
your views - about politics, TV and pop music.
This clever chap proves that these internet
bubbles we live in are algorithmic and shows
it's not just Facebook that's guilty, but
also Google.
http://goo.gl/JtAd7
BTW: If you're interested in this area, check
out this related article - "A bonfire of your
memories" - a powerful critique of Facebook from
@textfiles - and, of course, look out for Adam
Curtis's new series starting on the 23rd.
http://ascii.textfiles.com/archives/3086
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
We're actually embarrassed to run this shit
* THE DICK MAYO SPRINT - our own personal dick
mayo record is about 15 seconds.
http://www.bristolmc.org.uk/EventRegs/mayo_combe_r...
* KEN CLARKE RAPE LOLS - The Guardian iPhone app
has cut down the Ken Clarke story headline and
made it appear a whole lot worse.
http://yfrog.com/hs6tzyrj
* VANGINA - jazzytrumpetguy writes, "Saw this on
the back of a van in Coventry, absolutely
brilliant."
http://www.activegasheating.co.uk/
* TEAM AMERICA HAS A LOT TO ANSWER FOR - Ian
Beveridge writes, "Best software project name
ever."
http://j.mp/lvZdGM
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Animal Power Challenge
Last week we wanted you to imagine that animals
replaced traditional methods of generating power.
Your favourites included:
* ELEPHANT - upside-down trunker powers grid,
via the extraordinary mind of (monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10419195
* KITTEN - of all the "useless machines"
clogging up the internet, this one, involving a
miniature kitten, is the bestest (gingerbenji)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10420085
* VOLE - Danger! Danger! High Voleage, etc
(Afinkawan)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10419230
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/animalpower/
>> New challenge: Right Film, Wrong Gender <<
This week's mission, should you choose to accept
it, it to re-make films so they appeal to the
opposite gender to the original - Star Wars for
women, Dirty Dancing for men. And so on.
Challenge suggested by Sea Tramp.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/sexchangemovies/
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OTHER BACONS
Your guide to pig-free bacon fun
* WHALE BACON - ookiimarukochan writes, "Whale
bacon is still fairly common in Japan, and
surprisingly tasty (Japanese bacon itself isn't
really bacon as it doesn't seem to be cured)."
http://www.japanprobe.com/2009/01/25/whale-bacon-c...
* LAMB BACON - SCar writes, "When the lamb is
all grown up, it turns into mutton and this can
be used to make Macon. It's popular amongst the
Jewish community."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Macon_(food)
* BEEF BACON - pauljherring writes, "They
already do this in the middle east (certainly in
Dubai and Saudi Arabia) for westerners who
demand something that looks like it came from a
pig, but due to some silly religious rule or
other can't actually be made from pig. So they
use cow instead. They use chicken for sausages."
http://goo.gl/M5FBh
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: FRIDAY GAME
Sexy Gamble
Captain Plantagenet writes, "I liked your
suggested Friday Game of counting the number of
people you'd have sex with that you've seen
today, but can offer a variation that makes it
all the more challenging.
"Pick a spot where you can see people
approaching from a distance - a park bench, a
seat on the bus - you get the idea. As soon as
you see a person in the distance, decide whether
or not they'd be someone you'd bed. You then
have a wait of anticipation to see whether on
close inspection they're a vision of beauty, or
a 50-year-old cigarette-wielding grandmother of
12."
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* INTERNET PARENT MACHINE - Dear BBC iPlayer
devteam. Please add an option to randomly play
stuff from CBeebies with a "don't like it, next"
button. And make it autoplay. But skip the crap
radio stuff.
* iPHONE TEXT BLOCKER - Why isn't there a simple
'block texts' button on our phone like there is
in email? We don't want text spam from a Clapham
pizza place we last used in 2001.
* ZERIOS - If Cheerios did 1's as well a 0's
they could own the geek breakfast cereal market.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Lovelies: [email protected]
Bastards: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @cw19_uk, The
Archduke of South London, @TomWhitwell,
@mattround, @chris_coltrane, libinspace,
beckyharris.co.uk, UHMUHRAKA!, redflame, Jalf.
Top Tippery by robneymcplum. Additional linkage
and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike
Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via hedonist.
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TOP TIP:
A frozen cheese wedge makes a perfect doorstop.
Temporarily.
