NEWSLETTER: "9/11 WAS A CONSPIRACY TO MAKE BRITS USE AMERICAN MONTH/DATE ORDER"
This Week:
* PROSTITUTES - Most alarming Punternet reviews
* PAPER - Mystery sculptures of Scotland
* PUPPIES - With wobbly ears
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're foraging for
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | internet toadstools
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| ...together"
B3ta email 495 - 9 Sept 2011
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue495/
Liberty cap : [email protected]
Death cap : [email protected]
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>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than making love to beautiful hands
>> Meeting Philip Schofield <<
"I stumbled across this one after it rendered
itself on my computer last night," confesses
Ornsack. You will not believe what the
silver-haired earl of daytime TV is like in real
life!
http://t.co/l9oJ7tu
>> asdfmovie4 <<
"The latest in TomSka's asdf saga!" exclaims
Wonchop. "Animated by moi!" We're tremendous
fans of these minimalist 5-second sketch
extravaganzas. Why don't they have their own
telly show already?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/asdfmovie4
>> Hypnotic spiral generator <<
"AKA the eye fucker upperer," explains
sinisterduck. Ideal for the man whose computer
doesn't yet make him fall into a deep and
suggestible fugue state.
http://goo.gl/bAoa6
>> Tyler's power kick <<
"Like every proud dad says, 'He'll be playing
for England when he's a big boy!'" coos Black
Moon, with another pithy little special effects
clip.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Tylers_power_kick
>> Drunk trees <<
"I realised something about fallen trees last
night", writes DefyingDarwin, "They look drunk,
so I made this."
http://messytrees.tumblr.com/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Church
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we asked you about the big house that
God visits and tells his flock to stay poor
because heaven is great.
http://b3ta.com/questions/church/
* DON'T MENTION THE WAR - "A colleague went on a
business trip to Germany, and went on a tour of
some kind of cathedral or something with the
German business. The tour guide pointed out
various things - the heavy oak doors, the ornate
coverings on the altar, and a series of iron
cages hung around the walls. The guide pointed
to the cages and said in faltering English, 'and
these cages, this is where we used to keep....
um, here we used to put.....' There was a pause.
'Jews?' suggested my colleague helpfully.
'No... bags of grain to keep the mice away'."
(browser)
* CHURCH-BASED PHYSICAL COMEDY - "My
ultra-religious ex-boss had 4 kids. Between
them, they had formed a happy clappy band, and
played together every Sunday at church. It was,
apparently, amazing. I know this because he told
me all the time and endlessly tried to cajole me
into coming. I ran out of excuses and agreed to
go on a particular Sunday when I would be
nearby.
"Eventually it was time to go in. I was ushered
forward toward the door, and suddenly, I had an
idea for a little joke. As I arrived at the
door, right at the threshold, I hurled myself
backward, trying to look as if I had walked into
some sort of invisible barrier and had been
repelled. I stumbled and fell on my arse, with
mock amazement and surprise. Everyone stared. I
stood up and said, 'I don't think God wants me
inside.'
"My boss took me to one side and told me to go
home. I have never seen anyone quite so
unimpressed and I think there was a crying
child. Monday morning wasn't funny though. We
never really had a good relationship from that
point on. So the moral is, church can ruin your
friendships, don't go kids." (I have run out of
coke)
* VISUAL COMEDY THAT WOULD WORK IN A FILM -
"This story comes not strictly from a holy
place, but does involve a very old air-powered
organ used for daily hymns at a young Prime's
old school. The size of the organ was, quite
frankly, ridiculous in comparison to the
assembly hall. Mighty, grey pipes stretched up to
the ceiling, through decades-old intricate oak
carvings, waxed and polished lovingly to form
the pride centre-piece of the school.
"This organ was located at the very front of the
main school hall, in full view of all the
students. It was a huge source of pride for the
Head Master, an ageing hulk of a man with a
fiery temper.
"The 800 or so students had filed into the hall
as usual for morning assembly and hymns, being
congratulated on the school's triumphs and
scolded for incidents of bad behaviour, nothing
unusual. Then came the time for the first hymn,
a rousing number with a powerful opening chord.
Organist at the ready, head teacher's chest
swelling ready to lead the praise, the organ
burst into life... and promptly fired out
hundreds of ping pong balls the students had
placed in the tubes the previous night. "
(Roddimus_Prime)
>> This Week: School Naughtiness <<
The B3ta Confessional is open. What was the
naughtiest thing you ever did at school? Us? One
maths project was "design a board game" and we
got stuck so nicked an idea from a book called
something like "100 ancient Chinese board
games". We got a B for it. So there you go - our
school rated a game played for thousands of
years as a B.
http://b3ta.com/questions/schoolnaughtiness/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Punternet reviews <<
We've covered Punternet - the site where
prostitute users review prostitutes - before in
B3ta, but here's a nice selection of alarming
quotes from the punters.
http://goo.gl/77Giu
>> Dinosaur compensation <<
Excellent customer service from M&S - a
complaining costumer asked them to draw a
smiling dinosaur - and they did. If we was asked
to draw a Smiling Dinosaur we'd type "Smiling
Dinosaur" into Google too - which says something
odd about the sameyness of our culture.
http://loonyletters.com/ms-sandwiches/
>> Paper sculptures for libraries <<
Paper sculptures that keep appearing in
Edinburgh - they appear to be a cross between a
promotion for Scottish crime writer Ian Rankin
and a protest about the cuts. Beautiful either
way, although there is some conceptual conflict
in making art supporting reading & libraries by
destroying books with scissors.
http://goo.gl/Q6KfG
>> Gay homophobe chart <<
Takes one to know one! Chart of high-profile
homophobes caught red-handed in the act of bum
love.
http://www.gayhomophobe.com
>> Beard song <<
Stubble rash be damned! Power rock ditty,
changing any preconceptions you may have about
making whoopee with the more hirsute-faced
gentleman. Facials optional.
http://soundcloud.com/the-beards/you-should-consid...
>> Google Correlate <<
Who would have thought that random search data
would be hours of fun? Draw a line, any line, and
Google Correlate will give you trends relating
to your line. We've just tested it by drawing a
penis and it gave us 'premade layouts for
Myspace' - with cock and Myspace both peaking in
early 2007.
http://www.google.com/trends/correlate/draw
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Puppy with wobbly ears
It's the music that makes it - the
arpeggio-smothered Never Ending Story from
Limahl / Giorgio Moroder. And the puppy of
course. We imagine he's dreaming about flying
on the back of a magic dragon.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like telly but with fuck all continuity
>> German cannibal song <<
Armin Meiwes-inspired pop stylings. "I feel
partially responsible for this," writes
Steerable_forehead. "I used to babysit this
crazy bastard with his cousin. He was brought up
on a diet of Joy Division, exploitation movies
and the finest toxic air the Northwest can
provide."
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> The Great Canadian Appliance Jump <<
Take 1 mobility scooter, 2 planks of wood and 3
washing machines. Will they make the jump?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/10_10_for_effort:2
>> Clever anti-booze commercial <<
Watch the vid first, then watch it again with
the mouse over it. Made us cringe with
recognition.
http://www.byturen.com/
>> Man walks around <<
Stunning CG short film. Think the Ministry of
Silly Walks and then max it out to billion. Or a
sillion.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Man_walks_around
>> Pedestrian bell <<
Here's a tip - if you get behind people and ring
a bicycle bell they'll get out of the way - even
if you don't have a bike. Brilliant idea.
http://t.co/vzqDYEm
>> The War Game <<
Yonks ago we heard about a BBC film from 1965
about nuclear war that was suppressed from
broadcast for being too much. Just remembered to
check it out and it's utterly amazing. Even
after all these years it still packs a powerful
anti-nukes punch. Also what interests us -
despite nuclear weapons stockpiling being
bigger than ever AND also in the hands of who
knows who - it's a subject that's still mostly
off the public map. Who talks about it? Don't
have nightmares. BTW: Peter Watkins's other films
are also interesting - been doing a mini season
of them in B3ta towers - Punishment Park being
particularly good.
http://video.google.com/videoplay
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Like gargling with broken glass
* TOSSAPORN - Apparently 'Tossaporn' is a first
name in Thailand.
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm3203497/
* GOATSEx2 - murphy.claire writes, "I'm getting
into the business of making cakepops (think
lollipops but with cake) at the moment, and my
speciality is making stuff that's gross. I keep
it in my goatse mug on my desk at work..."
http://i.imgur.com/qOXl9.png
* KATY PERRY - if you were in any doubt about
the size of her breasts, Google is here to help
you. Thanks Google!
http://i.imgur.com/mCvKm.png
* THE WHALE iPHONE IMAGE - everywhere at the
moment, we were tweeted it at least 4 times.
http://i.imgur.com/Y0pTu.png
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: STUPID AMAZON REVIEW CORNER
Speaker cables for $8450
Ghostwriter writes, "It's another one of those
Amazon-review-spam things, but I quite enjoyed
it. It's for massively overpriced speaker
cables."
E.g. "If there is one cable I would
whole-heartedly trust to my Chimera-hunting
needs, this would be the cable. No other cable
has the tensile strength to properly and
efficiently garrote a lycanthrope, asphyxiate
an Esquilax or even gag a mermaid."
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000J36XR2/...
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Sexy Challenge
Last week we wanted you to show everyday
objects behaving in a saucy manner.
Your favourites included:
* SHOWER - pesky shower head in
indiscreet onanism shocker (E_Dubya)
http://b3ta.com/board/10523392
* PERIPHERAL - a computer mouse that
looks a bit like a ladyminge (tedster)
http://b3ta.com/board/10524809
* HOLE - gasping gingerbread man in
animated donut shame (Fresh Cuppa Mole)
http://b3ta.com/board/10523772
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/everydaysexy/
>> New challenge: Tea <<
The average Briton consumes 2.5 kilos of tea
every year, the highest in the world. This
week's challenge is to celebrate that
supremacy. It's a one word challenge: Tea.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/tea/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include:
* WiFi SWAPPING - just noticed there are 10
strongish wifi signals in the B3ta kitchen. If
only people co-operated a bit, that would be one
way to lower your bills. Although if we did all
start doing this they'd probably start putting
ads on TV going, "Your neighbours are
paedophiles, do you want to go to jail for them?"
* A DEFINITIVE GUIDE TO NON-SHIT BRANDS - socks
that don't wear out after a few washes, chests
of drawers that don't fall apart, knives and
forks that don't go all bendy.
* LOGAN'S RUN FOR CATS - pets should have jewels
in their paws that kill them off at around ten,
before they get all manky.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Stuff sent in by nikjohns, @editorialgirl,
@bounder, @bengoldacre, @myparrotsteeth,
@planetxanna, @ErikaMoen, @revdancatt,
@codepo8, gingerbenji, @katylindemann,
@yezzerm, buffet_the_appetite_slayer,
Bootsthealchemist, taters, @rmt_1982, blahblah,
@cr3, @fatherjack.
Top Tippery by wehttamman.
Additional writing on Sites in Brief by
@tokyo_sexwhale. Thanks!
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
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TOP TIP:
Like chocolate and want to eat more of it but
don't want to get fat? Tough luck.
