NEWSLETTER: "PICKETING THE INTERNET SINCE 2001"
This Week:
* LIONS - Why are they lions?
* BLACKBOARDS - in porn
* JULIA ROBERTS - frightens dogs
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're cutting the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 499 - 7 Oct 2011
Read this issue in the voice of Doogie Howser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue499/
Friends: [email protected]
Dicks: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Street Cleaning Simulator
Ok - we're linking this because A. we have no
ad, B. it's a funny idea for a game and C. it
has silly reviews that are worth a giggle:
"I am writing this review on my phone from a
hospital bed. I was rushed here after collapsing
from dehydration and exhaustion, after a 72 hour
stretch of playing this game without pause. If i
am fated to die, i will do so smiling from ear
to ear, with the calmness of an ocean breeze,
knowing that i have cleaned my digital streets
and banished forever, the spectre of chewing gum
from my dreams."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0051NPKS...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
6 things! Half a dozen things! Woo!
>> I'm a lion because... <<
"Nobody knows why lions are lions," claims
timoncheese. "So I asked people why lions are
lions and used a hand-puppet to deliver their
answers." Just a charming slice of pure
silliness.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Im_a_Lion_because
>> Apple iPhone <<
"Here's a quick, dirty edit of the new ad," says
Rusty Shackleford. "Introducing Siri." Quick off
the mark, dirty as promised.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Apple_iphone
>> Sir Ian Bowler on the Party Conferences <<
"More poorly-framed, fat-headed nonsense from
me," blusters Sir Ian Bowler alter ego Natt.
http://goo.gl/JPQby
>> Wall Street Spirit <<
Dan Bull writes, "If you haven't seen my music
video for #occupywallstreet, here it is.
Recognise the sample?" Indeed we do, Dan, for
it's none other than little Thommy Yorke and his
Radioheads.
http://t.co/fsxihqIE
>> Magic Carpet <<
"We go on a magic carpet ride!" chirrups
Ornsack. This made us happy. Then? It made us a
little bit sad.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Magic_Carpet
>> You and Me and Walt Disney <<
"It's a cryogenic love song by Helen Arney,"
enthuses HappyToast, "and I made the video!"
Cracking stuff, with the talented Mr Toast on
fine form. Give him his own animated series!
Even if it's only on BBC3.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/You_and_Me_and_Walt_Disn...
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: COORS LIGHT BRIBE
We linky stuff for beer
Our friend Natasha got in touch to ask us to
pimp a Coors Light campaign featuring Jean
Claude Van Damme. We asked, "Will you pay us?"
She said, "In beer. With 72 bottles of delicious,
ice-cold beer." We thought... beer, we like beer.
SOLD!
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Crap Gadgets
Last week asked for stories about your duffest
technology purchases. Read them all here on your
Amstrad Em@iler:
http://b3ta.com/questions/crapgadgets/
* BOOM - "Back in the mid 80's, my parents used
to do a lot of shopping at Bookers cash & carry.
As well as food items in amazing bulk sizes
they'd also sell 'odd' items on special, a bit
like ALDI do. Random items, usually from China.
On my brother's birthday Mum returned armed with
a round cardboard tube with a wick at the
bottom, marked 'PARTY BOMB'. The idea was
simple. A firework full of plastic toys. Light
the fuse, a bit of a bang, flying toys, happy
kids. Easy. Mum lights the fuse and makes
everyone stand well back. there's a moment of
quiet and then BOOOOOMMM!!! The fucker explodes
with amazing force and, as promised, the toys
are blown out. Unfortunately the firework is so
powerful that most of them are blown into
splinters. What's left hits the ceiling and
shatters. About 10% survive intact. A week later
and a news report confirms that we were one of
the lucky groups to escape with our eyes. What
better way to celebrate your eleventh birthday
than with a perspex shrapnel grenade?" (The
Togaboy)
* BEEP BOOP - "My typical cleaning session goes:
Recover Henry from cupboard. Plug in. Hoover
round the flat, pausing to move the occasional
rug or chair. Put Henry back in cupboard. Make
tea. My mate's goes: Program robot to start a
hoovering cycle. Try to find out why it hasn't
moved. Wonder why it hasn't got any battery
charge. Jiggle robot and base station around
until former starts charging from the latter. Go
out. Come back home to find the robot has
managed to clean a 14 foot by 6 inch L-shaped
section of carpet. Plug all the cables back in
the television where the robot has attacked
them. Supervise the robot as it trundles round
the lounge, rescuing it from furniture and
ledges. Tidy up yet more cables. Watch the robot
suddenly cease trundling and zoom back to base,
only to stop 3 inches short and make a sad
beeping noise before shutting down. Go and get
the backup hoover and do all the bits the robot
missed. Wish there was time to make tea. I'm
sure they are amazing triumphs of human
ingenuity and AI... but they'd be more honestly
sold not as vacuum cleaners, but as devices
capable of finding the nearest shoe and beaching
themselves on it with improbable efficiency."
(Timberwolf)
* WOOF - "My cat kept shitting in my cheeseplant
pot so I bought a proximity-activated robo guard
dog to bark at him if he went near it. Came home
and he'd crapped all over robo dog's head. Sold
it for a fiver at a bootfair. There were still
some brown bits in the crevices." (pobblepop)
>> This Week's Question - Iffy Crushes <<
Who's the toff you'd like to boff, the slag
you'd like to shag, the ugly you'd like to, erm,
bump uglies with? Confess all here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/iffycrushes/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Blackboards in porn - accurate? <<
Some of our readers won't know about porn.
It's basically films of people having sex and
tolerated by the authorities as it keep you
fwapping at your laptop instead of causing
trouble in society. As recording under 18s
having sex is illegal, pornographers will often
stick adult women in a school situation to
suggest the material is illicit and more
exciting than it actually is. Some maths fans
have happily seen past this and have written
analysis of the equations that pop up in the
back of scenes.
http://blackboardsinporn.blogspot.com
>> Bullseye contestants <<
We've never consciously sat through an episode of
Bullseye but we believe it's some sort of TV
darts show where an old man who looks like he
smells of pipe tobacco said, "super smashing
great" a lot. You could possibly win a jet boat
- but that might have been 3-2-1. Anyway,
someone is generating cheap lols by taking grabs
of the audience.
http://bullseyecontestants.tumblr.com
>> Sweet idea for your parents' birthday <<
Do you have an ageing parent? Then get loads of
people from their past to write letters
describing a memory of them. Not only will you
blow their mind, you might learn something about
your parents too. Lovely.
http://nothingbutbonfires.com/2011/06/sixty-years-...
>> Dealing with puberty, in the style of Dr Seuss <<
Although thankfully not called "Green eggs and cum".
http://bit.ly/pJ76gx
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
If digital radio had images. Just imagine.
* DOG SCARED OF JULIA ROBERTS - her large mouth
confuses the doggy brain into thinking they've
seen a wolf.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
* NICE PAPER RIPPY TECHNIQUE - Make film, print
out every frame, rip the main character out,
stick it back together stop motion style.
http://www.vimeo.com/25777821
* YOUTUBE TRANSLATE LOLS - film sketch, let
YouTube machine translate the dialogue, re-film
resulting dialogue.
http://youtu.be/23H8IdaS3tk
* FLOPPY DISKS PLAYING THE IMPERIAL MARCH -
We've been sent this so many times we've finally
given in, even though we thought we'd seen it
years ago.
http://goo.gl/4k55b
* BARACK OBAMA LIP SYNC - if you turn off the
audio on a video track, it's possible with a bit
of work to match absolute nonsense to the lips.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
UKHouseOfLords
Ok, not a funny name but, if you squint and
concentrate on the background, the
@UKHouseOfLords profile pic is a big pair of
flaps.
http://twitter.com/UKHouseOfLords
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
merchandise for unlikely films
Last week we wanted merchandise for films that
normally wouldn't have merchandise. It turned
out to be a minor classic of B3ta challenges -
films always work and asking for explicitly bad
taste subversion works too. Hooray!
Your favourites included:
* BOY IN THE STRIPED PAJAMAS - the transfer
tattoo kit. (Bela Lugosi's Dad)
http://b3ta.com/board/10554849
* THE ACCUSED - Pinball machine. (SonofRojBlake)
http://b3ta.com/board/10554610
* FIGHT CLUB - Wii game. (Clay)
http://b3ta.com/board/10555772
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/mechandiseforunlikelyfil...
>> This week: If dinosaurs were still alive <<
Imagine if dinosaurs were still alive... The
meat counter at Tescos might have more variety,
a walk in the forest might be a bit scary but at
least the safari parks would be fun. Our ideas
are shit this is why it's a challenge for you.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/moderndinosaurs/popular/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* PROSTITUTE CRITIQUE - eieicq writes, "In
newsletter 495 you linked to Shouting at Cows'
selection of prostitute reviews from Punternet.
Here is what actual prostitutes think about the
page. Interesting to get that perspective."
http://www.saafe.info/main/index.php
* BACON JAM - the_wodon writes, "As requested, I
made meat jam." He he, so he did, but no word on
whether it's tasty or not.
http://i.imgur.com/wnMLn.jpg
* BACON JAM 2 - but Speshal writes, "It's
lovely."
http://goo.gl/Kcw1
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: "STEVE JOBS IS DEAD" CORNER
Our favourite comment on his death comes from
@serafinowicz who tweeted, "I hope in Jobs' will
he instructs Apple to give all the assembly
workers in China decent wages&conditions. (Sent
from my iPhone)."
This is the problem with eulogising Jobs, he was
visionary in his products but not in his
manufacturing. Outsourcing might be standard but
it's part of the mess the West is in.
But if you like your tributes to be hagiography*
then check here:
http://goo.gl/P8JF1
Also we started getting loads of Jobs photoshops
on the board so we've collected them up into a
side challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/stevejobsrip/popular/
* The study of the saints. It's a cool word, we
can't pronounce it mind. I.i..iiitf. Oh whatever.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* NEW BUSINESS PLAN - Patent your DNA. Break
into sperm bank and leave 'deposit'. Sue mothers
for infringing your copyright.
* A VIRUS THAT MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE TO OPEN THE
DAILYMAIL - let's have Trojan horses written for
the good of humanity.
* EARWAX CANDLES - we don't mean that
alternative Chinese medicine stuff, but actually
collecting your own earwax and making candles
from it. That's our kind of aromatherapy.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @paulcnelson,
@mattkitson, @Matt_Muir, pjqmoyqr,
@IamHappyToast, @mattround, @codepo8,
Bootsthealchemist, @maqusan. Additional linkage
and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike
Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Trogdos.
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TOP TIP:
Want to have someone's kettle spouting foam
but not taint their tea with a soapy tang? A
splash of milk in the water will do the same job.
(mugwump)
TOP TIP 2:
I have a top tip for you: Done a really smelly
poo at work? Make sure you leave the toilet seat
up so the next person in thinks it must have
been the person before you! (ben.clokie)
