NEWSLETTER: "CAN BOB HOLNESS DIE AGAIN TODAY? WE LIKED THE NOSTALGIA LAST FRIDAY"
This Week:
* STREET ART - best of 2011
* SLOTH - drip-dry baby
* SOCIOLOGISTS - review children's books
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're eating our
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | austerity biscuits
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| ...together"
B3ta email 511 - 13 Fri 2011
Read this issue on tech that'll be binned by 2013:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue511/
Lucky: [email protected]
Unlucky: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Blu-Ray player with iPlayer + DivX
One of the kids broke our DVD player over Xmas,
so we decided to get a new one with Blu-Ray.
Can't say we've bothered buying any Blu-Ray
movies yet but it's handy to have a player
with built-in BBC iPlayer (works off your
Wifi), streams movies off our home network and
also plays DivX off USB thumbdrives.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B004ZCHEQ...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us. We won't bite,
unless you pay us to bite.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than making dirty protests
>> Have you forgotten what happens? <<
"Have you forgotten what happens when you eat
Kellogg's Cornflakes?" queries ratbanjos. If
you have, here's a flashback.
http://upthear.se/flakes
>> Me and Reg <<
Enjoyable shaggy dog tale from 'freelance
locksmith' cidercomic. "Apologies for length,"
he stutters.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/A_short_film_we_made_the...
>> Tumbleweeds <<
Save this link for when your jokes go down
badly. A montage of tumbleweeds from various
films and tv shows. Via dunk3d.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Tumbleweeds
>> Harrison Ford watches 'Harrison Ford watches
Indiana Jones for the first time' for the
first time << "A lot of people have been
getting angry at the vid I uploaded last week,
that it was a hoax and faaake," explains
dogfood. "Thought I'd put a nail in the coffin
of those rumours."
http://upthear.se/fordy
>> I've got a house that looks like me <<
"This is a factual song about a factual
situation," claims exploding stallion Joel
Veitch. "At least, it will be fact when I am
rich enough." Lovely bit of vid by Butters.
NSFW: Cock.
http://b3ta.com/links/Ive_Got_A_House_That_Looks_L...
>> The Ballad Of Worrall Thompson <<
Fans of disgraced, bearded TV chefs have been
glued to the news outlets as Antony Worrall
Thompson's shoplifting saga continues to
unfold. Here's a Fat Boab song and b3ta folks'
photoshops of a man we predict as a future
Celeb Big Brother contestant.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Ballad_Of_Worral_Tho...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Books 2012
We always need something to read. There's only
so much staring at naked people's bits we can
take:
http://b3ta.com/questions/books2012/
* OM NOM - "'In the light of the moon, a
little egg lay on a leaf.' The humble origins
of the 'little' egg and 'tiny' caterpillar and
his quest for nourishment can be seen as a
metaphor for sexual growth, where desire
cannot be sated until, having sampled a
smörgåsbord on the Saturday comprising 'one
piece of chocolate cake, one ice cream cone,
one pickle, one slice of Swiss cheese, one
slice of salami, one lollipop, one piece of
cherry pie, one sausage, one cupcake and one
slice of watermelon', he can take no more and
becomes a 'big, fat caterpillar'. The Freudian
depictions of the food - and of the
caterpillar himself - reinforce the metaphor:
size (and shape) is everything. Previous
suggestions (Catface, 2010) that the story is
a literal reading of
eating-overeating-transformation can be
dismissed as both reductionist and
essentialist. The transformation, when it does
occur, deals briefly with the liminal state as
a necessary transition into full awareness and
power - a phallocentric triumph. I have read
this book to my child an estimated 485 times.
That's about 484 times where I've had to
pretend to sound enthusiastic about a bug.
Don't even start me on 'We're going on a
motherfucking bear hunt.'"
(crackhouseceilidhband)
* PLANTS - "Once when Terry Pratchett was
doing a Q&A thing at a signing for 'The Last
Continent' there were about 50-100 people
present. There was time for one more question;
I raised my hand. 'You, with the glasses at
the back,' said Sir Terry. 'Fuck', thinks I,
'I didn't expect to have a question answered
and all the good ones pertinent to the book
and his previous writings have been asked...
Ah, I know, he keeps carnivorous plants, I'll
ask him how they're doing.' Silence greeted
the question. Followed by, '...They're doing
well, thanks.' And that's why I asked him to
sign my copy 'To the idiot with the question
about plants.' As a constant reminder that I
shouldn't talk, ever." (Funkenschlag)
* SPOILERS - "We read Of Mice and Men at
school. A great book, somewhat tempered by the
fact that come chapter 3 or thereabouts,
someone had scrawled 'I don't want to spoil
all the fun but Lennie gets shot on page
113.'" (The Silent Channel)
>> This Week's Question - Messing with People <<
What have you done to fuck with people? Was it
a long, carefully-planned piece of
psychological warfare, or do you favour quick,
off-the-cuff comments that confuse the
terminally gullible? Have you been dicked
with, and only realised many years later? Are
you being dicked right now? Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/messingwithheads/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Useless stock photos <<
Not out-of-focus pics of Oxo and Knorr cubes
but library photos so specific and odd you
can't imagine placing them with any story. You
might laugh. If the internet hadn't deadened
your capacity for joy at anything that isn't
misfortune.
http://bit.ly/hPlKhV
>> Restart nostalgia <<
If you're addicted to watching old PCs reboot
then have we got a website for you. Fill your
boots, reboot obsessives.
http://www.therestartpage.com/
>> Bestest comic strip ever <<
A fantasy about how adverts could be improved,
ending with the immortal line, "All
commercials are now just a flaming baby skull
barking ethnic slurs." A parable for our
entire culture of poshlost. (Google the word
poshlost. It's a very good word that we all
should learn.)
http://bit.ly/AF3Dar
>> Street Art - Best of 2011 <<
The transformative quality of art can make you
see the world anew. Walk your streets and
imagine how a bit of tinkering could make
people smile with joy.
http://www.streetartutopia.com/
>> "Tiny things I hate" <<
Great blog listing in extreme detail the
author's pet hates. Here's a quick list of our
own.
1. People who press the pedestrian crossing
button even though we've already pressed it.
It's like they're saying we're rubbish at
button pushing. Rude.
2. People who talk to us from another room
without raising their voice expecting us to be
able to hear. Or walk in so we can hear. Rude.
3. People who email B3ta with "I've got an
idea for a website, if we built it, would you
cover it?" Er.. no idea. Build it and then
we'll know if it's any good. Rude!
http://tinythingsihate.blogspot.com
>> Total Perspective Vortex <<
Or as Carl Sagan put it, "Our posturings, our
imagined self-importance, the delusion that we
have some privileged position in the Universe,
are challenged by this point of pale light.
Our planet is a lonely speck in the great
enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity, in
all this vastness, there is no hint that help
will come from elsewhere to save us from
ourselves." Happy new year.
http://www.scaleofuniverse.com
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: PODCASTY BOLLOCKS
Stick this in your CD Discman & walk in traffic:
You've probably heard it by now but the
American Life podcast on Foxconn - the Chinese
company that manufactures much of our
electronic gizmos - shines light into dark
heart of globalism. Highlights include:
* Unions illegal except for the official state
union who, if you go to them with a complaint,
puts you on a blacklist and you don't work
again
* Employee smashes hands in equipment -
resulting in disability, before being fired
for slowness.
* Staff exposed to chemicals that means their
hands are permanently shaking - screwed by the
time they are 26.
It's hard to think of a positive angle on
this. Large parts of the West's manufacturing
base have been shut down, destroying
communities and their jobs given to slaves.
Way to go power elite - loving your work.
(Sent from an iPhone).
http://upthear.se/miserypodcast
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: SOME JOKES TO LIGHTEN THE MOOD AFTER LECTURE
(We wrote these ourselves, can you tell?)
* Knock knock. Who's there? Lucy? Lucy who?
Loo seat is broken, can I borrow your bog?
* What goes ha ha ha ha bonk? A laughing
prostitute.
* What do you get if you pour boiling water
down a rabbit warren? Six months to a year.
* Doctor Doctor I feel like a pair of
curtains. Then pull yourself together. That'll
be £5,000 please. Privatisation innit.
* Waiter waiter there's a shit in my soup.
Well yes, this is a coprophagiac restaurant
and you ordered shit soup.
There you go. B3ta newsletter is all cheerful
again. Yay kittens.
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Baby sloths!
@Tannice_ writes, "this, without doubt, is the
best drip-drying baby sloth video you'll ever see."
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
A tiny cinema, where the usherette is Mr Clippy
>> Culinary Propaganda <<
Totalitarian Chef Bartek tells you how you
will eat. With inexplicable guest appearances
from what appears to be Odin.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Pizza boomerang <<
A lot of ads emphasise the positive qualities
of the product. Junk food makers tend to go
with "the world is an absurd collection of
unconnected events, so eating our food might
not kill you. Also, isn't Bill Lumbergh hot?"
http://youtu.be/GrKSWocbbdw
>> A Cappella Prodigy <<
Full-on choir performs a medley of electronic
dance hits, using only their voiceboxes.
Wisely, they avoid doing 'Charlie Says', which
really fucks up your throat.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> "The Page Turner" <<
If Heath Robinson had invented the Kindle -
maximum effort for absolutely minimum, but
delightful, result.
http://upthear.se/pagey
>> An HONEST James Bond theme <<
The lyrics to the 007 theme turn out to be
Bond boasting about banging bitches and being
suave.
http://upthear.se/bondytwat
>> Fotoshop by Adobé <<
The beauty industry's best-kept secret
revealed, or at least ridiculed for sniggering
geeks.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Fotoshop_by_Adob
>> The Lambshank Redemption <<
Successful chef Antony Worrall Thompson's
world changes forever, when he's sentenced to
life imprisonment at Lambshank Penitentiary.
NSFW: Poignant. Er, we mean NSFW: norks.
http://upthear.se/cheftwat
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: AMAZON REVIEWS THAT MAKE YOU GO HA!
Sociologist reviews Mr Men books
Let's just quote his entire review of Mr Messy
- it's 100% brilliant:
If '1984' or 'The Trial' had been a children's
book, Mr Messy would be it. No literary
character has ever been so fully and
categorically obliterated by the forces of
social control. Hargreaves may well pay homage
to Kafka and Orwell in this work, but he also
goes beyond them.
We meet Mr Messy - a man whose entire
day-to-day existence is the undiluted
expression of his individuality. His very
untidiness is a metaphor for his blissful and
unselfconscious disregard for the Social
Order. Yes, there are times when he himself is
a victim of this individuality - as when he
trips over a brush he has left on his garden
path - but he goes through life with a smile
on his face.
That is, until a chance meeting with Mr Neat
and Mr Tidy - the archetypal men in suits.
They set about a merciless programme of social
engineering and indoctrination that we are
left in no doubt is in flagrant violation of
his free will. 'But I like being messy,' he
protests as they anonymize both his home and
his person with their relentless cleaning
activity, a symbolism thinly-veiled.
This process is so thorough that by the end of
it he is unrecognizable - a homogenized pink
blob, no longer truly himself (that vibrant
Pollock-like scribble of before). He smiles
the smile of a brainwashed automaton, blandly
accepting what he has been given no agency to
question or refuse. It is in this very smile
that the sheer horror of what we have seen to
occur is at its most acute.
Somewhere behind this blank expression though
is a latent anger - a trace of self-knowledge
as to what he once was - in the barbed
observation he makes to Neat and Tidy that
they have even deprived him of his name.
The book ends with a dry reminder from
Hargreaves that just as with the secret police
in some totalitarian regime, our own small
expressions of uniqueness and volition may
also result in a visit from these sinister
suited agents."
More here, comrades:
http://upthear.se/funnyreviews
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: FOLLOW FRIDAY
Your guide to Twitter "lols"
@StealthMountain alerts Twitter users who've
typed "sneak peak" when they meant "sneak peek"
then favourites the replies. Very gentle
trolling, basically.
http://upthear.se/twittertwats
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Stamp Challenge
Last week we wanted you to make stamp designs
for the Royal Jubilee. Apparently it's 1977
again and the Queen wants us all to have a
street party or something. Anyway, good excuse
to thumb our noses at the old Nazis.
Our favourites included:
* KATE MIDDLETON GETS MAIL - BTW it was her
birthday this week so happy birthday Kate
Middleton! We'd buy you a gift but we're a bit
skint after helping pay for your wedding.
Which you didn't invite us to.
http://b3ta.com/board/10650658
* CHARLES HAS BIG EARS - you know why he has
big ears? Because Noddy wouldn't pay the
ransom. (ha ha ha circa 1977 again)
http://b3ta.com/board/10655021
* QUEEN AND CORGI - if you see a Queen doing
this it's a sure sign of worms. Crush some
Bob Martin worming tablets into her delicious
meaty Queen-chow.
http://b3ta.com/board/10656094
All these images and the highest voted by
you can be found here - because we have real
democratic elements in B3ta. Yay.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/jubileestamp/
>> New challenge: Right to Parody <<
This week we're supporting the Open Rights
Group and their "Right to Parody" campaign.
It's about getting UK law changed so we don't
get sent to prison for making shit photoshops.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/righttoparody/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* CASHPOINT EASTER EGGS REFUTED - Mat, who
assures us he does this stuff for a living,
writes, "The comment in the newsletter about
'typing an amount not divisible by 5 at an ATM
will reveal how much in the machine' is indeed
complete, unadulterated bollocks!
"Replenishment figures and cash levels are
never displayed except in 'supervisor' mode --
which can only be entered by opening the
cabinet or safe.
"Typing an amount not divisible by the lowest
denomination in the machine will simply result
in the ATM's workflow branching to a screen to
inform you that you need to try again.
"Some ATMs show a 'current screen ID' which is
a four-digit code (sometimes in hex) in the
top right corner - for exception/error
screens. I bet the bloke who told you this saw
that and thought he'd seen something secret.
* CASHPOINT EASTER EGGS CONFIRMED - Nirmeth &
HarleyQuinn1234 write, "Me and the missus were
at the ATM tonight and thought to check the
cashpoint easter egg mentioned in the
newsletter. And it works!"
http://neilmasters.co.uk/images/cash_machine_value...
BTW: We suspect this figure doesn't represent
the total amount in the machine but something
else. Maybe something to do with lizards.
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: FRIDAY GAME
Slowest pee ever
When you pee it normally turns into a torrent
pretty damn quickly - can you train your urine
muscles only to dribble it out? We don't mean
stop/start, that would be rubbish, but control
the volume per second. How long can you make a
piss last? Great game for all the family.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* RACE ON SOCIAL NETWORKS - Do white people
disproportionately follow white people? Has
anyone studied following patterns? Are our
communities mixed but our social networks
following some unconscious apartheid?
* APP IDEA - 'Cassette Deck': Record up to
90 mins of audio in two 45 mins chunks.
Additional C90s available as in-app purchase.
* THE ONLY WAY IS CHINA - a documentary about
the pampered lives of the children of Chinese
industrialists. Are they having tit jobs? No
idea, but we like the title anyway.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Happiness: [email protected]
Death: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob "I've got tits"
Manuel with David "I've got a minge"
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @qwghlm ,
@ImVincentMurphy, Fluffster, judderman,
Stashie, h7dd3rs, maryepworth, @jongomm,
@qwghlm, @tadd31, @HurricaneMedia,
quadraspazzed on a lifeglug, @ricardopresto
Top Tippery by SonoraAeroClub. Additional
linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is a good bloke.
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TOP TIP:
Make your other half think the cat's got a
tapeworm by sticking a grain of rice to its
arsehole.
