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This Week:
* VIDEO - "Internet, Internet"
* QUIZ - Name all the Bond films
* NSFW - Indifferent cats in amateur porn

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "Having complex feelings   
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   about the web since 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     2001.. together"

B3ta email 532  - 8th June 2012

Whisper this newsletter in a sinister voice:

Join the cabal:  [email protected]
Hide from us:  [email protected]

  (Sponsored linky winky woo)

  The Diamond Jubilee is over, so how are you
  going to fill your weekend? Checkout this
  website for some sublime nonsense.

  Need a funny Father's day card as well?
  They have this covered like a Jimmy Hat

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Extended longer than necessary because of Jubilee

  "Me & @peepholecircus & @superpowerless have done
  a song / animation," writes your Ginger Fuhrer
  Rob Manuel. "It's called 'Internet Internet',
  it's part one of my existential rock opera about
  technology and it is complete genius. I won't
  accept differing opinions on this."

  >> How many Bond films can you name in 5 minutes? <<
  "Just made this for no particular reason," claims
  obvious MI6 mole cabbage. Tougher than you might
  think, largely because Bond film titles get
  super-generic after a while. TIP: "The Man with the
  Golden Penis" is an incorrect answer.

  >> Random film suggest-o-matic <<
  "Hello chums," smiles exceeder. "I've made a
  thing that suggests good films at random from
  IMDB, RottentTomatoes, 1000 Films to See Before
  You Die. Also, give it a film you like and it'll
  suggest more like it. And it has wood wallpapers!"
  Great source of cheap entertainment - well,
  free if you don't pay for the films.

  >> "Are you sure you still love horses?" <<
  "There are other hobbies / pastimes," offers
  flucksticks, refreshing a venerable web meme.

  >> Diamond Jubilee Abridged <<
  In case you couldn't make it, or blotted it
  out with heroin & al fresco sausage rolls:
  "Ohhh yes, it's that time again!" grins whoabot.
  "The Queen's Diamond Jubilee abridged and
  drunkenly narrated into something under
  100 seconds!"

  >> Vintage Photo Effects For The Web <<
  "Vintage photo apps have shown us all that the
  crystal-clear images modern technology allows us
  to capture can be greatly enhanced by making
  them look like they've been taken by an old,
  cheap, crappy camera," observes hell_monkeyo.
  "With RetroWebMatic you can do the same thing
  to websites." Huzzah! Maybe Facebook will buy
  this for $1b too.

  >> The Queen - 60 years in 6 seconds <<
  "Something I knocked up whilst bored," explains
  Cyriak. Knocked up, then drove into our skulls
  through the eye socket. Thanks Cyriak. 


  War - what is it good for?

  We asked for your stories of fighting, conflict
  and guns. We got stories of fighting, conflict
  and beer. And poo:

  * BOMBS - "Being a fairly bright sort, my 
  grandfather reached two conclusions in 1939.
  There was likely to be a call-up of able-bodied
  men and owning a shoe-shop did not count as a
  reserved occupation. He had no desire to be 
  drafted. Not one little bit. And he had a 
  brainwave. He would go and volunteer for the
  RAF: as a good tinkerer with engines, he'd make
  splendid ground-crew. And have little to no 
  chance of being shot in France, Burma, or 14,000
  feet above either. The RAF was only too happy 
  to help him realise his scheme. In fact, they
  went one better. At parade one morning, it was
  announced that Canada needed people to work on
  engine development. It was also announced that
  volunteers were being sought. This was too good
  to be true. My grandad volunteered. Sadly, he
  hadn't been paying much attention to the syntax.
  Yes, people were needed to go to Canada to faff
  with engines. Yes, volunteers were sought. But
  these two facts were not related. Thanks to his
  heroic cowardice, my grandfather volunteered to
  spent years in Malta having the living bejeezus
  bombed out of him by the Luftwaffe." (Enzyme)

  * KNIVES - "Strolling home after a night out, up
  ahead there's a couple having a blazing row in
  the street. Just as we reached them, the argument
  appeared to reach a new level and the bloke 
  reaches behind and whips out what I assumed was
  a knife, bringing it around towards the woman's 
  face. To my utter amazement, I find that I've 
  tackled the knife-wielding maniac, and I'm pinning
  him against the wall by the wrists. He looks 
  totally shocked; I suppose I look fiercer than
  I really am - in reality I'm a soft southern 
  bastard who couldn't fight a cold. We stare at
  each other for a moment, then our eyes flick up
  to the knife. Which wasn't a knife at all. In
  fact, what he was holding was a piece of paper,
  which he was intending to wave accusingly in his
  partner's face. There's really no well-defined 
  protocol for having aggressively attacked a total
  stranger for what could have been no more than
  literary criticism. I release his arms, we 
  gradually back off with muttered apologies and 
  careful, watchful reassurances. Eventually both
  groups go on their way, the woman saying to the
  man, "See! Now look how you've embarrassed me in
  front of those people!" (moon monkey)  

  * GUNS - "The best thing about being a RAF
  cadet was the annual training flight: "Cadet!
  Would you like control?" "Yes Sir!" "Cadet I 
  am handing you control, do you have control?"
  "Yes Sir! I have control." And with that you
  are flying. Keeping an eye on the attitude 
  indicator, I kept level, banked a bit - it was
  piss easy. Then I noticed the red button. On
  the top of the joystick was a lid and below
  was the most inviting big, round red button.
  I pushed it. Nothing. I held it down. Again,
  nothing. They must have disconnected the guns.
  Shame. The instructor took back control to
  land. We came tearing down towards the base
  and I couldn't help myself. I grabbed the
  stick and button. "PEW! PEW! PEW! DADADADADA! 
  at imaginary enemies. "Too close for missiles!
  I'm switching to guns! I'll just brake and 
  he'll fly right past me! ICEMAN! This is
  Maverick!" I blithered, all the time mashing
  the big red button. I returned to the briefing
  room to be greeted by cadets pissing themselves
  and about ten uniformed, real RAF people slowly
  and cynically clapping me. Turns out the red
  button wasn't a gun. It wasn't even the bomb
  release. It was a one-way distress radio 
  frequency that connected directly to the 
  control tower." (Albert Marshmallow)

  >> This Week - Getting Old 2 <<
  Want a reminder of how you are rushing headlong
  toward your decrepitude? We last asked this
  question eight years ago... Ouch.


  Nazi unforms, yep, Nazi uniforms

  Members of the BNP, Tories and Prince Harry
  rejoice for now you can buy your partyware 
  from the compfort of your PC. Only about £40
  and suitable for "12 years and up."


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Indifferent cats in amateur porn <<
  Cats + porn cover approximately 99.999% of all
  reasons to go on the internet, so this time
  next week this tumblr will be bigger than Google.
  You're welcome. NSFW. NSFW. NSFW. NSFW. 

  >> Rude sign language <<
  Now you can communicate the concept of 'penis'
  to a deaf person without getting arrested. Or
  writing the word down on a piece of paper.
  (Also worth looking up 'Vagina' and 'Homosexual')

  >> Museum of Endangered Sounds <<
  Wallow in aural nostalgia at the soothing sound
  of outdated technology glitching. Thank fuck
  these things are obsolete now everything is
  virtual including our sex lives.

  >> Fake essay writing <<
  You've got to write an essay and your parents
  / partner are hovering and you've done jack
  shit? Essaytyper is here to help you look
  like you're working! Choose a subject then
  go to town mashing those keys!

  >> Shite food reviewed <<
  The culinary delights of your local corner
  shop's freezer cabinet, conscientiously tasted
  and reviewed. We were particularly tickled by
  the idea of 'sausage neutral' - all things
  being either better or worse than a Walls

  >> 10-year internet cancer hoax unravels <<
  A good, long read this as internet sleuths
  finally tease out the threads of an overwrought,
  online drama that went on for over a decade.
  To reveal... what? 


  Like telly but b.b.b.b.buffering  

  >> Nap time for kids <<
  Youngsters make a lot of noise. Now there's a
  solution - and it's remarkably close to the
  Douglas Adams idea of "an off switch for

  >> Say no to Vertical Video Syndrome. <<
  More and more internet videos are filmed by
  people holding their phones wrong. A timely
  campaign to stamp out this evil. Although we
  wonder if this could be solved by iPhone /
  Android etc etc detecting the orientation of
  the phone and putting up the message,
  "rotate your phone you pillock."

  >> Thank You, Hater! <<
  Isabel Fay giving big love to the trolls of the
  world through the media of song and dance.
  Although we slightly worry that this adds weight
  to the growing mood for removing anonymity on
  the internet - and then what for whistleblowers?

  >> Redubbed Star Wars lols <<
  Formula: 1. Take a popular film. 2. Download
  a foreign language version. 3. Make your own
  script via subtitles.

  >> Cat getting chair massage <<
  We like it when cats do human things, like
  getting a massage, or opening a fridge, or using
  the cloak of the free market to engage in war
  on weaker countries.

  >> A three-minute history of videogames. <<
  Two ways to watch this: 1. How many mins /
  seconds can you watch this to pinpoint the
  exact second you lost interest in mainstream
  video games? or 2. Yay video games - love them.


  More cockchafer "lols"

  Grandmasterfluffles writes, "Hi! I've got a
  follow-up on last week's Funny Name Corner, via
  the Grade 6 cello syllabus. It can be found in
  a book called Time Pieces, which is bought by
  pretty much everyone taking ABRSM Grades 1-6 as
  it has most of the pieces on the syllabus in
  it. Fortunately I only teach adults, so I am
  allowed to laugh at filth during lessons."


  Results from the Perspective Challenge

  Last week we wanted you portray iconic moments
  from the other guy's point of view.

  Your favourites included:
  *  HULK: the view from the Towers, just
     before the devastation (claptonista)
  *  BIRTH: infamous alien stomach 
     explosion in cute revision 

  *  JONES: the ark of the covenant's
     inhabitants excitedly prepare for
     release (Joe Scaramanga)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Hack Springwatch <<
  TV nature programme Spingwatch is asking 
  its viewers to send in photos of birds 
  nesting in unusual places. We think the 
  men and women of b3ta are the best 
  qualified to provide them.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * TOURETTES DICE - The random profanity-
    generating dice featured last issue proved
    so popular that inventor DukeEuphoria writes,
    "Now on sale here. For money. Yes."

  * SECRET BBC B3TA SHOUT-OUTS - In his radio show
    intro @destructo9000 managed to work in three
    popular B3tan memes for your listening pleasure.
    Can you get all three? 

  * WEETABIX CEMENT - "You can indeed use weetabix
    as plaster," claims Breaker of Laptops. "I
    once had to chisel away a section of wall to
    get to the 'leccy wires that I'd just
    accidentally drilled through. Once it was
    fixed, being poor, I had no plaster. So a bowl
    of weetabix, warm milk and 5 desert spoons
    of sugar later: lickable plaster. It's still
    there 25 years later under eight layers of
    paint." Seems sound. 

  * WEETABIX CEMENT II - reader Weetobix (no
    relation) gives the verdict from his own
    polyfilla vs weetabix study: "After leaving
    for a couple of days, we noticed the weetabix
    dried with very little cracking or shrinkage,
    sanded well and took a coat of paint lovely,
    and to this day is probably part of the
    Hendrefoelan student village in Swansea." Tidy.

  * SWIMMING IN OIL? - Albert the Mildly Deranged
    points out that "you can't swim in pure oil"
    because, basically, you'd sink right to the
    bottom. Human body's too dense.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include solutions
  to the mundane stuff that we're bogged down with.

  * LEAKING ROOF SOLUTIONS - our roof is leaking.
    How should we fix this without spending LOADS
    B3ta has just vowed never to visit the Post
    Office after having a passport form refused.
  * HOW TO REPAIR TRAINERS - it seams insane that
    trainers get thrown away as there's no obvious
    way to repair them once a hole has been worn
    into the back of the heel.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


      Friends:  [email protected]
  STD Friends:  [email protected]


  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by pissflaps,
  Jahled, &#8207;@Skeptobot, @SimonNRicketts, 
  @mildlydiverting, @hexapodium, @stebax,
  @jamesmarshall42, @trink_uk, PintMcPint,
  Captain Howdy, sinisterduck, BrokenCoccyx,
  waz4444. Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Toptip via
  robneymcplum. Subjlols via Captain Howdy.


  Prevent unwanted pregnancies by only sleeping
  with men. PS. This doesn't work if you are
  a woman.

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