NEWSLETTER: "DO PARANOID ANDROIDS DREAM OF ELECTRIC SHEEPLE?"
This Week:
* SONG - Computer games stole my friend!
* VID - Wanking London
* MAKE - Monitor that only you can read
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Waiting for ASCII
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | newsletters to come back
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| into fashion since 2001"
B3ta email 538 - 20th July 2012
Read out newsletter on a rubbish speech synth:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue538
Cool cats : [email protected]
Foolish twats : [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
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http://monetisetrk3.co.uk/
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
>> MMORPG song <<
"I wrote an epic song about losing a friend to
computer games (with @superpowerless &
@Peepholecircus)," types your Ginger Furher. "I
know I've been a constant cheerleader for
technology but even I'm worried that replacing
real friendship with virtual friendships isn't
good for us."
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Nervous Wildebeest <<
"Two wildebeest think about crossing a river,"
explains Bewley. Perhaps they should think
again?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Wildebeest_new_and_corre...
>> Urban Suspense <<
"Here's a lady going through a terrifying
ordeal, which you may be familiar with,"
intones kfk. Sent a shiver of recognition down
our spines. Which makes us sound like timid
hedgehogs. Imagine us that way if you prefer.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Urban_Suspense
>> The Flatulence Syndrome <<
Star Trek fartfoolery from Black Moon. You love
it. Heaven help us, you absolutely love this
stuff. (We like it too.)
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Flatulence_Syndrome
>> Reading Fifty Shades of Grey <<
Ornsack tackles the erotic masterpiece of our
times. "This video could be the strangest thing
I've ever made," he confesses.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Reading_Fifty_Shades_of_...
>> Incredibly frustrating 60-second game <<
"Use your arrow keys to navigate the
constantly-changing pathways. Get to the end of
each path before it shifts. Can you make it
through a whole minute?" asks yanmania. Well,
can you, punk? (Answer: probably not, because
it's really, really hard)
http://www.yanmania.com/games/sixty_second_search/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Burning in Hell
Last week we asked you to confess the reason
you'd burn in hell when the last trump called.
A surprising number of these involve Down's
Syndrome:
http://b3ta.com/questions/burninhell/
* F.A.B. - "I decided to have a 15-minute break
from work, after dealing with some complaints,
to get some fresh air. As I was milling about
in the car park, one of the local
automated-wheelchair driving women pulled up in
her modded people carrier. She parks not too
far from me, presses a few buttons and her car
starts to slide open, revealing a side-lift.
She rolls on, presses another button and slowly
begins her descent. Nowt really funny about
this tbh... until another worker passed by. His
mobile went off. And played, as loud as you
like, the fucking Thunderbirds theme tune. I
nearly asphyxiated. She wasn't impressed."
(Jeccius)
* FINGER - "The sun was blazing off the
windscreens of passing cars, the sky was clear,
it was a good day to be driving on our fair
nation's motorways. Ahead of me was a coach,
the kind used to ferry airport-goers and the
elderly, in the middle lane. As I came to
overtake, I saw a fairly familiar sight: a
bunch of school kids leering out the back
window, exercising their wrists in a manner
designed to imply that I was a wanker. I'm an
easy-going, devil- may-care kind of guy, but
that glorious day I was having none of it. So,
as I approached I extended my left arm, keeping
my eyes of the road of course, and delivered a
steady and determined middle finger that Johnny
Cash would have been proud of. As I passed, I
glanced upward at its steamed windows, to see a
group of smiling children with Down's waving
excitedly at me... My attempt to morph my bird
into a reciprocated wave was the epitome of
patheticness. Funny how wrong you can be with
the sun in your eyes." (Jimtastic)
* IKEA - "I once ordered a lemonade at a cafe
in an IKEA. They gave me the cup at the
check-out to serve myself from the dispenser. I
put in some ice and filled my plastic 500ml cup
with soft drink mix. Unfortunately, I filled it
too close to the brim for easy transportation.
I took a couple of refreshing sips to lower the
level in the cup. At this point I could have
just walked away. Some nights I lie in bed
racked with remorse asking again and again:
'Why? Why didn't I just walk away?' But a
horrible plan had formed, driven by all-
consuming greed. I didn't care who I destroyed,
how many laws I broke. I checked the ladies at
the register. Busy. I looked up. No CCTV. My
heart pounding, I returned and TOPPED UP MY
DRINK AGAIN WITH MORE LEMONADE THAN I HAD PAID
FOR. Exiting rather too quickly I spilled a
little, probably losing more than I had
illegally gained. Even in my car I wasn't safe
until at least a few miles away. The drinks
holder was too small for the cup, so I drank
the whole thing too quickly to really enjoy it.
It's a crime I've had to live with for the rest
of my days. I never went back to that IKEA
again. I can't; the risk is too great. I'd
gambled and won, but if they recognised me, I
could lose everything." (cumquat may)
>> This Week - Tantrums <<
After certain members lost it a bit last week
over garden sheds, we though we'd ask for your
stories of adults and children acting like,
well, children. Wail and stomp here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/tantrums/
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: AMAZON TAT
It's a big shop of shit BUT WITH COMMENTS
* HELPING THE RETARDED TO KNOW GOD: A guide for
Christian teachers of the mentally handicapped.
Reviews include the cheery, "Cognitive
disability is one of the effects of religion.
If you want your child to become mentally
retarded, by all means indoctrinate them into a
religion" and "It wasn't quite heavy enough to
do the trick."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0006CAG4...
* £1,638 WOODEN PINOCCHIO TOY - Mr Trinder
writes, "Price is clearly a mistake, comments
are lovely."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0058BDOB...
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Blade Runner magazine covers <<
Intriguing gallery of retro-futuristic magazine
covers, used in the background of a single
scene of 1982's Blade Runner. Amazing attention
to detail.
http://bit.ly/M0c8xf
>> Sports TV lies to you <<
Turns out UEFA has been spicing up 'live' games
with a bit of pre-shot footage, to the
widespread, and unconvincing, shock of various
broadcasters. There's every chance the Olympics
will be getting the same reality TV treatment.
http://deadsp.in/NG1Kq1
>> Super-resolution images <<
Since the birth of the internet, man has
struggled to turn shitty little jpegs, with no
detail, into glorious wall-concealing posters
for his student hovel. This is impressive stuff.
http://www.wisdom.weizmann.ac.il/~vision/SingleIma...
>> How to paint a 150ft tall Batman <<
The side of a tower block, regularly
transformed into a titanic movie poster. Who
does it - and how?
http://bit.ly/NmRkQw
>> Sinclair BASIC redux <<
Nostalgic nerds rejoice! Sinclair BASIC is back
and badder than ever. And now, no attribute
clash! Yeah! In your fucking face, Commodore
BASIC!
https://sites.google.com/site/pauldunn/
>> Make a private computer screen <<
Turn an old LCD into a monitor that only you
can read, with an afternoon, a bit of ingenuity
and some old 3D glasses.
http://bit.ly/M0ccgJ
>> That big event in London <<
Tote bags that tell people what you really
think of the Olympics. Although, of course, it
doesn't mention the Olympics - or Lord Coe
would chop off their heads.
http://thatbigeventinlondon.co.uk/
>> Some dipshit "web guru" <<
Top tip - never let yourself be billed as a
'social media expert', if you haven't already
registered your name as a domain. Also...
Twitter. Blurgh. Disaster.
http://www.lukebozier.com/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like TV but the aerial gives you cancer. Possibly
>> Wanking London <<
Very silly part-animated tour of London
landmarks. And pretty much what you might
expect from the title.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Wank_London
>> Interviewing Danny Dyer... on acid <<
Vice reporter interviews Danny Dyer while under
the influence of powerful, new hallucinogen
lysergic acid diethylamide. Charmingly
shambolic.
http://bit.ly/OpfOct
>> Hero animation <<
Bonnie Tyler's "I Need a Hero" realised as a
claymation fantasy epic. Great soundtrack,
bonkers visuals.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Kitten attack <<
Cute baby cat once again massively
overestimates its own abilities. Honestly, it's
a wonder any of them get to grow up. We tested
this out on a 3 y/o boy who made us play this
clip 15 times.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> One Hand <<
Amusingly immature homage to Alanis Morrisette.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Immature:2
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
It's always funny in Paedophilia
Gibell writes, "I am not usually one for daft
names but I had to smile at the lighting guy's
name in 'It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia'.
Brilliant programme as well."
http://uk.imdb.com/name/nm0649628/
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: ADVANCED PEDANTRY CORNER
"Maybe I can get something in the Top Tippage
that may both help humanity and also get
something off my chest and into the open, where
it can hopefully have an end put to it once and
for all?" inquires Hen. "Perhaps it can one day
produce similar righteous fury amongst pedants
as the misplaced apostrophe.
"Copy writers: instead of placing the prefix
'pre-' in front of a verb that already
describes an action that's carried out in
advance (i.e. pre-order), why not go and slam
your typing hand in the heaviest door you can
find? While the bones are healing you can think
more deeply about the folly you were about to
commit."
Which definately begs the question, is there
enough pedant's out there to commence starting
a regular feature on rediculous pedanticism?
Surely there can't be alot of mistakes on the
internet, so the point is mute.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Self-Portrait Challenge
Last week we told you go depict yourselves.
Your favourites included:
* PORK: space-travelling captain thrusts cured
pig parcel (ham o' shatner - spelt correctly
this week!)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10806696
* NUCLEAR: tight-trousered viking displays
disturbing contents of desk (atomic)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10807388
* CODE: time's cruel passage, as depicted via
the medium of cascading style sheet (monkeon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10806780
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/SelfPortrait/
>> New challenge: Sheds <<
Let's photoshop sheds. Sheds in the Olympics.
Sheds manning machine gun posts in the trenches
of the Great War. Sheds sweeping in majestic
herds across the horizon, sheds on pogo sticks
and sheds taking tents up the wrong'un.
Challenge suggested by boris the spider.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/sheds/
BTW: Official Image Challenge chap Fraser Lewry
has until recently been working for The Word, a
fantastic music magazine that's sadly closed
down. Read this glowing tribute to him from his
ex-boss where he's described as the 'digital
Jeeves'.
http://bit.ly/O2Jyt0
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* YOU PARK LIKE A CUNT stickers and ticket
books are now available to the masses. "I ummed
and ahhed about whether or not I should post
this," agonises long-time b3tan Fray Bentos,
who is now selling the tools you need to let
people know what you think of their abysmal
parking. "I hope this isn't seen a cynical
attempt to get people to buy the site's stuff,
because it is. Well, a bit maybe."
http://bit.ly/MzgKL1
* RTJ'S EDINBURGH SHOW - "I'm taking my debut
solo show 'Richard Tyrone Jones's Big Heart' to
the Edinburgh Fringe and then on tour round the
UK," informs Richard Tyrone Jones. "It's got a
bit of a serious message about how I almost
died of heart failure despite being thirty and
well buff, and will hopefully serve the purpose
of educating people about their dicky tickers.
If, by spending two years, 50 grand, and my few
remaining grey cells on it, I can save just one
life... it really won't be worth the bother. So
I made the show free. In Edinburgh."
http://www.youtube.com/watch
* HANSI LOVES THE SWASTIKA - The rather
alarming Nazi-to-Christian kids' book we
featured last week turns out to be... a real
person's autobiography! How rare! Thanks to
Jeff for the tip-off.
http://hansiministries.org/bio.htm
* BAD ACID INFO - "Your advice to take 5mg of
LSD to alleviate the boredom of watching paint
dry is slightly misleading," corrects
ifrypuppies. "0.5mg of LSD would produce the
most enthralling psychedelic hallucinations.
5mg would send you on a mind-melting, Fear and
Loathing rollercoaster ride over the cuckoo's
nest." Well, uh, you need to build up a
tolerance, dearie.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* WHAT'S THAT NOISE QUIZ - take thousands of
sounds from an opensource SFX site like
freesound.org and make a quiz. Is this: A. A
tap dripping B. A penis dripping
* STRAW-MAN CHROME PLUG-IN - a user-editable
database that shows all the bullshit arguments
used by newspaper columnists, whilst you are
reading. 'Citation needed' and 'weasel words'
could be nabbed from Wikipedia too.
* A BUTTON THAT TURNS OFF THE INTERESTING BITS
OF THE INTERNET WHEN THERE'S WORK TO DO - we're
constantly sticking Twitter on block via
OpenDNS but then we find ourselves sneaking
round it, via sites that use the API etc. So
we're probably really asking for a button to
turn off the procrastinatory portion of the
human brain.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Come to daddy: [email protected]
Come on daddy: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by gypsy turnips,
Awks, Jimmers, Tab Hunter, sinisterduck,
finnbar. Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike
Trinder is QOTW bloke. Almost 100% of SITES IN
BRIEF by Matt Round.
Top tip by username failed moderation.
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TOP TIP:
Annoy grammar nazis by saying in a soothing
tone, "Their their, never mind."
