NEWSLETTER: "JUST ONE MORE WEEK OF LOOKINGLIKEANONCEMBER TO GO"
This Week:
* SHOPPING - Spendybot
* LIAR LIAR - Danny Dyer
* JAZZ - Miles Davis vs LCD Soundsystem
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're raving the web
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | with Altern 8"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|
B3ta email 556 - 23 Nov 2012
Read this issue whilst your body ages:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue556
Kiss you : [email protected]
Miss you : [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
B3tan Stand-up comic gets on telly, comes over
all generous!
Stand-up comedian and long-time b3tan Andrew
O'Neill is celebrating getting on telly (Never
Mind The Buzzcocks) by giving away his entire
last show for FREE, in the hope that you go and
see him doing his new show on tour next year.
That seems like a reasonable trade, no?
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
>> Laserpointer <<
"I've not been around for a while," observes
Black Moon. "I've been busy buying stuff online
and getting into trouble with it." Nice eBay
gag.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Laserpointer
>> Conan mashup <<
"Here's a retrospective piece I cut together
for Conan season 2," writes Smearballs,
incidentally letting us know that he has a gig
with Conan O'Brien - nice work, fella. "It was
a pretty huge challenge taking 160 episodes and
cutting down to 3 minutes."
http://bit.ly/TTg4N2
>> Bizarre music merch <<
"I recently wrote this article that I thought
you might like," chirps beetlejuice. "It
features everything from the mundanity of
Monopoly to promotional sex toys, with a stop
off at inappropriate shower curtains along the
way..." Extraordinary what fans will buy. Or,
we suppose, what bands think fans will buy.
http://bit.ly/T7YyWx
>> Room 237 <<
"I did this this video that is a little bit The
Shining," boasts Faceburger, "and more..."
Well. We didn't see *that* coming.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: SPONSORED LINKY NUMBER TWO
A Fucktard's Guide To Life For Less Than 2 Quid
How To Get A Grip: the sweariest self-help book
ever written. Amazon reviewer Ricky says it's
"the most direct and simple book on getting
yourself sorted out that you will ever read."
Good guy, Ricky. Get it here:
http://mjk.im/TiaKqm
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Ignored Advice
Last week we asked what advice you'd ignored to
your immediate regret. Don't buy a wooden boat,
apparently:
http://b3ta.com/questions/ignoredadvice/
* WINK - "On the eve of my first date, at the
tender age of 14, my Father gave me a single
line of advice, 'Always pull her chair out for
her,' he said with a lascivious wink. My mind
swimming with heady dreams of sticking my tongue
down her throat, I set off to her house, to pick
up my poor teenage victim. We went to the bus
stop, we took a bus ride together, we alighted
in town, both stiff with nervous excitement and
anticipation. We went to a cinema. Then a
McDonalds. Then the bus home. Every. Single.
Seat we sat on was bonded to the floor. I didn't
get my tongue down her throat, or my hand up her
top. Thanks for nothing, Dad." (Grrrmachine)
* WOBBLE - "'You're too old and fat to go
roller- blading with your kids.' On the plus
side, the doctors and nurses in A&E were all
brilliant. Even the one who had to confront my
arse, when X-raying my fractured pelvis." (moon
monkey)
* WASP - "'Stay away from that corner in the
field,' said one of my parents, 'There's a big
wasp nest in one of the holes.' Within my
imbecilic, nine-year-old head, this translated
into, 'Go and twat the wasp nest with the
swingball.' I guess I was curious as to what the
wasps would do. I soon found out. One mini swarm
and a lot of pain later, I developed a phobia of
loud buzzing that I still have today." (MaxZero)
>> This Week - INTERNET CRAZIES <<
The internet is full of mental. Been threatened
with violence? Had it spill over into real life?
Or have you only met nice, sane people that have
enriched your life? Tell us your story here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/internetcrazies/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Balancing stuff on the GF's head <<
While his other half slumbers unaware, this chap
gets his jollies by balancing quite impressive
amounts of stuff on top of her sleeping head.
Can you imagine? Can you beat him?
http://imgur.com/a/ScWQP
>> Spendy-bot <<
Bloke has made a bot that buys random stuff off
amazon for him. Like Christmas presents from a
vague and misguided auntie.
http://randomshopper.tumblr.com/
>> Cool furniture business card <<
Forget all that American Psycho bullshit - what
you need is a business card that unfolds into
something related to your business. And then you
need to work in the porn industry.
http://bit.ly/SeUTJm
>> Slayer Christmas jumper <<
Cue some sort of "Slayer bells jingle" pun. It's
oddly-appropriate merchandise, though, as the
patterns represent a similarly uncompromising
assault on the senses as the band's musical
oeuvre (French translation: musical egg).
http://bit.ly/QsyDx6
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like watching iPhone footage on a PC
>> Miles Davis vs LCD Soundsystem <<
Popping up everywhere this week, but sublime
nonetheless, two YouTube videos played side by
side. Miles Davis improvises alongside LCD
Soundsystem's 'New York I Love You.' Who would
have thought two great things would sound good
together, eh?
http://youtu.be/huEtJw7pfLk
>> Liar Liar Danny Dyer <<
Latest from the Rubberbandits, as the shopping
bag-masked troubadours tackle the famed
fabulist. Honestly, those masks are freaky
though.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Liar_Liar_Danny_Dyer
>> Stranglers singer's Golden Brown with Mariachi band <<
Just what we wrote in the headline - but an
actually nice thing to listen to, rather than
some crappy, novelty cash-in. Still can't hear
the song without our brain going "Gordon Brown"
mind you.
http://bit.ly/Qzq6IU
>> Inner-City Wizard School <<
Gritty look behind the scenes at Vincent
Clortho Public School for Wizards. What you see
may shock you.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Inner_City_Wizard_School
>> Stanley Steemer variations <<
We think this young lady is trying to sell us
something, but with the clash of a dozen
musical styles and outfits, it's so hard to
keep track.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Stanley_Steemer_variatio...
>> Bloody Hell, Jerry Sadowitz on Youtube <<
After years of banning everything, the
vitriolic Scottish wizard has finally opened
his own account. Largely, we think, to point
out that he was correct about Jimmy Savile 25
years ago - and he was!
http://bit.ly/Tg64z2
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Funny like cancer is funny when it's you
with cancer
Imagine a German festival of penis. You would
like that, ja?
http://www.kochfest-kiel.de/
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: FRIDAY GAMED
Fucking Old Spice do something funny
And we link to it through gritted teeth - you
don't need this stinky shit over your body, but
their ad people are on the ball.
http://www.oldspicesavestheworld.com/
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: AMAZON TAT
Giant Swiss Army knife
Best reviews?
***** 5 STARS - On the whole, this is an
excellent tool and has helped on many routine
tasks around the house, including eavesdropping
on GCHQ, performing a minor appendectomy on the
dog, and serving as a temporary RSJ when a
simple DIY project to remove what I thought was
a non-structural wall went awry.
* 1 STAR - This knife lacked a trepanation drill
for the relieving of pressure on the brain and
the treatment of intracranial diseases. Very
disappointed.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000R0JDS...
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Extreme Drugs Challenge
Last week we wanted you to mix drug taking with
extreme sports.
Your favourites included:
* CHARLIE: vintage bike race cocaine fiesta
excitement (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10880135
* PSYCHOSIS: a terrifying report from deep in
the K-hole (Smallbrainfield)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10880751
* ARNIE: Schwarzenegger creates effective
anti-drugs campaign by taking drugs (Wet-chinned
bag shanker)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10880725
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/extreme-drugs/
>> New challenge: Cyber Toothed Tigers <<
This week's challenge is to upgrade animals with
technology, making them faster, stronger, more
dangerous and more amazing.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/cyber-toothed-tigers...
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* SPECIAL BOARD DAY FOR OLD SCHOOL B3TANS -
barryheadwound writes, "I'm trying to get a bit
of a board event going next Wednesday the 28th,
getting folk to contact any b3tans from
yesteryear, who for whatever reason are not
frequenting the main board these days, and ask
them to step back in for one day only, post some
nonsense, have a laugh, and say hi.
"We're calling it 'the Day of the Ghosts'.
Ghosts, you see, as in spirits of the past.
There's probably a few lapsed b3tans that still
get the newsletter, so if you could manage a
mention then that would be great."
http://www.b3ta.com/calendar/event/24608
* SPANNERED IS AN IDEAL XMAS GIFT - "Any chance
you could punt our book about being a fucked-up
90s raver?" asks Frank. "Set in the UK
squat/free-party scene, it's called
'Spannered', has twelve wicked full-page
illustrations, and is a funny, raw, and
emotional novel about being part of a big party
crew." Written by a b3tan, illustrated by a
b3tan, bought by... you?
http://amzn.to/Qzq9Er
* KLF RADIO - "My friend JMR Higgs has written
a book, called KLF: Chaos Magic Music Money,
concerning the influence of Robert Anton Wilson
on the British rave band The KLF," informs
shardcore. "To promote it, I built an
algorithmic radio station."
http://radioeris.com/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include:
* REALISTIC AMAZON HACKS - need the Amazon "buy
now" button replaced with one that says, "buy
next week when you've finished reading your
current book"
* TEA THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU NEED TO WEE - maybe
chewable teabags?
* AN IDEAS GENERATOR FOR THIS BIT OF THE
NEWSLETTER, WHICH IS TRICKY TO WRITE.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Hugs: [email protected]
Shrugs: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by peblack, Jimbotfu,
Wayland_Smithy, custard, Amadeus, Taramasalata,
sinisterduck, Dawn Of The Bread, i.charlius,
Jimmers, @jingies, @HurricaneMedia.
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols via Gruffi Savalas.
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TOP TIP:
Cancel your phone and TV package with your
broadband supplier. They will call you a few
days later with a better deal (The Scrunt)
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/
