NEWSLETTER: I'VE GOT SMOOTHIE ALL DOWN MY CHIN *INNOCENT FACE*
This Week:
* CRAZY DRUNK STUNTS - within reason
* STAR TREK - the middle school musical
* GOATSE AWARDS - More inappropriate logos
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving our pennies
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | to build a rain machine"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|
B3ta email 582 - 24 May 2013
Read this issue pretending to be South African:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue582
Huggers : [email protected]
Shruggers : [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Amazon tat la la la - Ninja shit
Deanr201 writes, "Just some amazon tat...some
of the reviews are worth reading." Aha, mostly
from people pretending to be ninjas.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000HKSSLQ/...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Other than art from toenail clippings
>> The Piss Artist <<
Watch Pig Face Turnip drink lots of booze and
perform stunts. We like this for three reasons:
1. Funny 2. It's all set in the official B3ta
patch of NW5 and 3. In the comments the creator
and a member of the messageboard bump into each
other on Hampstead Heath.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Piss_Artist
>> Read 50 Shades of Grey challenge <<
Becomingbatman has a challenge between him and
his chum, reading the erotic slosh of 50 Shades
of Grey whilst keeping a straight face.
Unsurprisingly they can't do it, but the
laughter is a joy to watch.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1005421
>> Crap paps <<
Anyone who's ever worked on a newspaper will
know that most of the photos sent in by
agencies are completely and utterly useless -
unless you enjoy laughing at incompetence.
Fortunately, we love doing that. Thanks
@Roobatron.
http://crappapsblog.tumblr.com/
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: BEN WHEATLEY FILM PLUG
Trailer
Old-school b3tan Ben, who even co-wrote a
couple of B3ta newsletters, is now a super
successful film director in with the Hollywood
illuminati. When he's not eating babies with
Julia Roberts and David Geffen, he's making
great movies. He writes, "Hey B3ta, here's a
trailer for my new film. Set during the English
Civil War. Shot in 12 days. Ultra low budget.
Reece Shearsmith, Michael Smiley (from Kill
List) and they take a lot of mushrooms. Sounds
B3taish. Out July 5 in cinemas, vod, DVD,
Blu-ray and for free on Film4."
http://m.youtube.com/watch
BTW: Ben's email sig is this: "Beamed at you
from the mobile-handset of mr. wheatley" We
also know Ben Goldacre's email sig is "Sent via
my ZX81". What is it with Bens and their comedy
sig stylings?
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Emergency Services
Last week we asked for your tales of the
police, ambulance workers, firefighters... you
know, sexy people in uniforms:
http://b3ta.com/questions/emergencyservices/
* CUT - "I went to get my scalp stitched. The
doctor asked how I cut it. I had to tell him
that I was walking round the sea-bathing pool
wall, when I hit my head on the sign that says
"Don't walk on the pool wall"."
(A Blair)
* DRIED - "Oh the shame. I called the police
once because someone was hanging out of the
window of a 12th-floor flat in the local
high-rise. They called back half an hour later
to tell me they'd successfully rescued a pair
of damp jeans."
(Smash Monkey)
* CURED - "In common with every second cove one
meets now-a-days, I have a peanut allergy. A
single nut could kill me. By following
scientifically-proven homeopathic principles,
I've discovered that a second peanut provides a
perfect antidote to the first. I keep track by
shouting POISON and CURE as each nut is
ingested. Over the years I've saved the NHS
millions by using this simple technique, though
I have been banned from every cinema in the
county."
(Brigadier)
>> This Week - KIDS SAY... <<
...the shittiest things. Like Take a Break's
letters page, only with more swearing:
http://b3ta.com/questions/thingskidssay/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Goatse Awards 2013 <<
All your favourite things that look a bit like
Goatse. Hmmm, looks like something we might
have put together.
http://bit.ly/10ReE9U
>> Gomez button <<
Although we could look up who this guy is, and
we did, it's funnier not knowing.
http://gomezbutton.de/
>> Cooking doesn't get any tougher than this! <<
Overly-complicated (to the point where Heston
Blumenthal would struggle), with results that
splits critics into lovers/haters; you rather
wonder what it's doing on the BBC Good Food
website. Even the reviews are in awe of it.
http://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/1505633/
>> Towards a post-food society <<
With the population on the rise and global
warming making land that once fed us infertile
what's the solution? Rob Rhinehart believes the
answer is a type of bachelor chow he cunningly
calls Soylent. The name made us think it's a
sci-fi gag, but he looks quite serious about
it. Your grandkids are going to love living in
a rented pod and eating powder, whilst the
government builds a Beowulf cluster of their
brains to make Bitcoins.
http://bit.ly/10MHOwB
>> Artist Statement (ie. bollocks) generator <<
"My work explores the relationship between
multiculturalism and skateboard ethics. With
influences as diverse as Rousseau and Miles
Davis, new insights are distilled from both
orderly and random dialogues..."
http://www.artybollocks.com/#abg_full
>> Stonehenge / Easter Island connection <<
There's only two conspiracy theories that we
believe. 1. Jimmy Savile supplied children for
Satanic ceremonies with the lizard elite and 2.
This.
http://bit.ly/10phQxV
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like a Game Gear TV attachment with no aerial
>> Star Trek: the School Musical <<
Boldly going where no school has gone before,
we only wish our teachers had this much vision.
Best we got was someone playing bagpipes then
explaining that U2's Pride in the Name of love
is all about Jesus (spoilers: it's not).
http://bit.ly/162E7G0
>> Coming out of water makes you look hot? <<
Neat little sketch that made us question our
heterosexuality.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1004004
>> 50 wrong quotes <<
Interesting - and the pace of it is
overwhelming for our tired, old brains. Is
Antiques Roadshow on yet?
https://www.youtube.com/watch
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Funny like cancer is funny
* HE LOOKS SO HAPPY ABOUT IT - SimianKid
writes, "Fairly standard entry for funny name
corner but it's the accompanying picture that
really makes it."
http://www.austriancenter.com/fmrs2013/speakers/
* A RIVAL TO 'BEATS BY DRE' - that's probably
not going to be sold as a knock-off in Camden
for £10.
http://www.fannywang.com/
* OUR NEW FAVOURITE POLITICIAN - other than the
Tory MP who died with a satsuma in his mouth.
https://twitter.com/jonnot/status/3376575737067110...
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the UK Star Wars Challenge
Last week we wanted you to imagine a
Brit version of Star Wars
Your favourites included:
* WHOOPS: classic Caine as explosive
device creates chaos (1.618...)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10964848
* PREVIN: Xmas sketch reinterpreted via
Jedi Council Grand Master (Beau Bo d'Or)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10965044
* WARNING: poolside poster updated to
suit Galactic Empire (Captain Howdy)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10964693
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/UK-StarWars/
>> New challenge: Flowers! <<
The nation's posh people have gathered in
Chelsea for their annual gardening
festival, so it's time for another b3ta
one word challenge: Flowers!
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/flowers/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* SHAVING THAT KEPT OUR FACE FUZZ-FREE FOR
MONTHS - shaving is such a bore. Also, we know
beards are fashionable at the moment but that
only works for the young. At our age it makes
one look like a paedophile geography teacher.
* TOOTHPASTE THAT REMOVES HANGOVERS - can you
imagine the fame and fortune to the genius who
invents this?
* JEANS THAT DON"T LOOK LIKE WE'VE SPUNKED ON
THEM IF WE ACCIDENTALLY GET TOOTHPASTE ON THEM
WHILST HUNGOVER - that's our excuse and we're
sticking to it.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Friends: [email protected]
Twats: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @rattigarb,
UltimateMonkey, tubaman, @TheFles,
slartifartfast, @robertjohnsonau, @mikenco,
WhyAyeMrs, @WhyAyeMrs3h. Image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Newsletter written on the Northern Line /
Jubilee line beating a battery at 13%. It's 5%
now, pretty adrenaline-raising shit man.
Subjlols via username failed moderation.
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TOP TIP:
Help slugs by glueing old seashells to them,
thus turning them into snails.
