NEWSLETTER: "OPENING THIS NEWSLETTER WILL MAKE YOU LUCKY AND PROBABLY CURE YOUR KNOB ROT, ESPECIALLY THE LADIES"
This Week:
* SGT PEPPER - Christhebarker counts the dead
* TOP OF THE POPS - Now with pew-pew guns
* YOKO ONO BOT - Back by unpopular demand
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | for after we've
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| finished our wegetables"
B3ta email 887 - 8th Dec 2023
Alexa, read this newsletter at 6:00am to your mum:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue887
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making "bum tributes" to M. Thatcher
* SGT PEPPER KILLS AGAIN - Each year b3tan
pixel-botherer Chirsthebarker makes his own
morbid tribute to all the stars who've died this
year through the medium of taking their death
masks and photoshopping them onto the 4th best
Beatles LP. It is remarkable what a celebrity
death tsunami we are living through. We did try
and encourage Chris to turn this into a live
show where he does 100+ funny obits but he never
listens to us.
https://b3ta.com/board/11401615
* TOP OF THE POPS SHOOTING GAME - Monkeon
writes, "I've made a Top of The Pops bullet
hell. It takes about 15 seconds to play and is
almost impossible." We asked exactly what
inspired this and he replied, "I think it just
made me think of clay pigeon shooting." Next
week Monkeon turns the titles of Crimewatch into
Operation Wolf.
https://monkeon.co.uk/top-of-the-shots/
* YOKO ONO BOT IS BACK - Your editor has been on
a mission to fix the bots broken by Elon Musk
and last week he tackled Swearclock and this
week he's brought YokoOnoBot back online. "Elon
is a twat for fucking everything up", your
editor complains, "it's an information war and
the forces of darkness are winning." Oh well, at
least air is still free.
https://twitter.com/yokoonobot
* IT MUST BE CHRISTMAS AGAIN - Kunt from Kunt
and the Gang is absolutely not behind this
Christmas record and he writes, "The Krackpots -
Proper Christmas. Out now." Still, at least
LadBaby has given up, so that's a relief.
https://properchristmas.info
* JAMES BLUNT'S FUNNY 35 MILLIMETRES - Speaking
of Kunt, sorry James Blunt, There's a film about
the 'You're Beautiful' songinator out and his
team has got in touch to say Fesshole gets a
mention, but we're chosing to believe this is a
Fesshole film which due to an editing mistake
has rather a lot of James Blunt in it.
https://twitter.com/fesshole/status/17306048351274...
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
First an apology, then Christmas gift ideas
Last week we bigged up the Hebtroco Christmas
gifts page and then linked the wrong thing.
Let's try again.
Our sponsor Hebtroco has made a Christmas page
for gift ideas. Belts, penknives, socks. You'll
find something for the men in your life. All
made in the UK to the highest standards and
they're run by good eggs who help keep B3ta
going.
https://hebtro.co/gift-ideas/
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: FESSHOLE
Your confessions turned into thin content gruel
Each week you shit 400 fibs a day into a huge
form and your editor reads them all and picks
out a few to queue up on a bot where them
1,000,000 people tell him it's all a pile of
shit and he shouldn't bother:
* MONKEY BUSINESS - "Gap year in Asia. Came
across a captive monkey being used to make money
from tourist selfies. He looked so depressed. I
broke into the garage he was kept in one night
and freed him. He looked back at me with
appreciation before running into the forest.
Best thing I ever did."
* SITCOM POTENTIAL - "Fell and hit my head a few
years ago. At the same time I was in an unhappy
relationship. When my girlfriend came to the
hospital, I said I couldn't remember her.
Doctors were puzzled by my memory issues but
saved me the hassle of breaking up with her"
* WE'VE ALL DONE IT - "Boss answered a call from
his wife on speaker while we were in his office
discussing marketing. Towards the end of the
call she said 'can't wait for you to watch Dave
fuck me tonight babe'. Boss grabbed the phone
and scrambled out of the room. Can't look at him
the same anymore."
This is the bit where we claim that the account
only has followers because people mistook it for
that account that goes "for every like we'll
post a photo of Bono with bigger foot bunions"
but actually it's the best of November so it's
probably worth a click, or tap, if you've got
one of these new-fangled internet telephones.
https://twitter.com/fesshole/status/17310769974497...
Right, you should buy some tickets, we've got
Northampton, Leicester and Cambridge coming up
and if Giles (our partner in grime for these
adventures) is to be believed we might have some
more to announce soon, including one at the
birthplace of Gerry and the Pacemakers.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
For the love of God please buy the second book
so that the publisher doesn't have a heart
attack having backed the wrong horse. It's dead
good actually, not just our words, but someone
on Amazon said "Absolutely adore this, received
as a gift from my husband." Thank you internet
strangers.
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Hyperlinks to make your lynx hyper
* ACTOR CROSSOVER OVERLOAD - Ever wondered how
many actors have appeared in both 'Allo 'Allo!
and Dr Who? Or EastEnders and The Bill? This
site finds the answer to all pointless questions
of that exact format. (The answer is 10 and 128)
https://crossover.rknight.me
* FANCY A QUICK WORD? A simple word game, and
despite it being exactly the sort of thing we
play in our heads when awake at 2am and wanting
to distract ourselves from an existential
crisis, we're still not very good at it.
https://khutchins.itch.io/20-words-20-seconds
* THE GAME OF THE MOVIE - A game adaptation of
The Lawnmower Man by someone who seems to have
just skimmed the Wikipedia article and assumed
it's all about the lawn mowing. We should
remember this as an image challenge idea:
literal games of movies, er.. Schindler's List
where it's 10 PRINT "Use slave labour to make
money but save a few people, it's complex" 20
GOTO 10
https://ruin.itch.io/the-lawnmower-man
* WHAT WAS THAT TUNE AGAIN? 25 yr old X Files
music mystery solved in a thread. Very
satisfying, like taking a large firm dump that
only needs the lightest wipe.
https://twitter.com/laurenancona/status/1731900441...
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Happy Birthday Dr Who
We've been celebrating the 60th birthday of Dr
Who, largely by watching Remembrance Of The
Daleks and thinking Sylvester McCoy was quite
good actually. But also by getting the b3ta
massive to bust up some Daleks in Corel Draw.
Our favs include:
* MONKEON's take on the Blink episode. BTW: Who
staff, please stop making Blink episodes ok? It
was a good idea, but one was enough. Less is
more as we keep telling our piggy wank.
https://b3ta.com/board/11401473
* MONKEON AGAIN - making a perfectly thought out
version of an old computer game that works with
one of the Doctor's famous props, his sonic
fuck-hammer.
https://b3ta.com/board/11401530
* WANXOX is making Dr Who the board game and
hitting an immediate snag.
https://b3ta.com/board/11401609
* See all the other images from the 'Happy
Birthday Dr Who' challenge. We're not nerds, we
promise you:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/happybirthdaydrwho/popul...
BTW: Not that you need telling but the two new
Who episodes were good weren't they? Such a good
idea to bring Tennant back for a handful of
storming episodes to reassure "we've got this"
before new adventures with Disney and a new
Doctor.
>> This week: Christmas Decorations <<
Christmas decorations go up this weekend, so
let's deck everything with tinsel and baubles,
gimp an advent crown, or design some completely
new decorations to make things festive.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/christmasdecorations/pop...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to defenestrate your bumholes
* BACKWARDS SNAKE GAME - where you start off
long and get shorter. TBH, adding the word
backwards to loads of games is a hack to create
new shitty ideas. We don't know, backwards
SimCity where you have to really fuck up
Birmingham in record time.
[Ok, we're stuck for ideas now, what we're going
to do to force some out is pick TV shows and
then imagine them as stupid, irrelevant games]
* WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY - search for photos of
celebs caught doing cocaine, and photoshop out
the celeb and build a quiz based on the title.
[Fuck this is easy, let's try another.]
[Half an hour later, nope got nothing. Ok, let's
try the same with old pop music.]
* THE BLONDIE 'CALL ME' GAME - Debbie Harry
wants you to call her, maybe you're about to get
lucky, and gives you a number and each time you
call her she gives you a longer number to call.
No cheating by writing it down. And you never
get lucky.
Send us an email - we read everything you send
us, often shudder a little, but we do read it.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (NP, K)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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: AH FUCK IT, BONUS 'SEX' FESSHOLE
"My wife always showers before me. I position
her razor in such a way that I'll know if she's
used it when I get in the shower. If she has
then I'm on best behaviour because there's a
high chance of getting lucky."
