NEWSLETTER: "EIGHTEEN STINKY NEW ROOMS IN TIM BERNERS-LEE'S CYBER-SLUM"
This Week:
* GREGG WALLACE - Sings Kate Bush
* CHALLENGE - 'Change a letter' the results!
* FESSHOLE - Remember Cambridge gig coming up
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | so we can spin it into
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| horrible internet silk"
B3ta teletext-email 896 - 16th Feb 2024
Read this issue in braille with your penis/flaps:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue896
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making their child leave home
* MORE GREGG WALLACE CONTENT - Dave Bagpuss
Forsey writes, "So there I was, In the planning
stages of building a Gregg Wallace game,
extracting soundbites from episodes of In The
Factory. It occurred to me just how often
Greggles says "wow". I know a song about that!"
Next week - Richard Madeley sings Toyah.
https://b3ta.com/links/Gregg_Wowlace_shouty_baldy_...
* INVISIBLE LINES OPTICAL ILLUSION - Crispy Duck
writes, "Epic de-lurk to post this video what I
made. It's blown up a bit in the last week but I
remembered this place and thought some of you
would be interested. Enjoy." We quite liked this
as the newsletter is regularly late because
we've been writing basic on old 8-bit machines
too.
https://b3ta.com/links/Weird_POV_effect
* GO TO A RATHERGOOD CONCERT - Joel Veitch has
delurked his noughties ska band 7 Seconds Of
Love to do a one off gig in October. Your
newsletter editor will be going, along with
probably some very old school B3tans, so you
might as well come too.
https://www.seetickets.com/event/7-seconds-of-love...
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Buy some clothes B3tans, you know you want to
Each week we beg you to buy some clothes from
our sponsors to cover up your naked shame as we
hate to think of you all reading the b3ta
newsletter nude, cold and with erect nipples.
Stop this now, by clothing yourself from head to
toe in the finest threads, made ethically in the
UK and built to last. Fuck yeah.
https://hebtro.co/
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: FESSHOLE
Your fesses fessed up with inevitable regularity
Each week you shit a bunch of lies into the
Google form and we fish out a few to share and
you all shout "didn't happen" and we sulk that
you can't know that, mad shit DOES happen, and
specifically we're asking people to tell us
about the mad shit right? Sheesh lighten up,
it's only light-entertainment comedy account
that occasionally swerves into hitting you right
in the balls with something genuinely
psychopathic. Ok, let's pick three shall we?
* FESSHOLE IS SO BIASED! "Conservative party
sent me a questionnaire in the post. I filled
the prepaid return envelope with enough strips
of newspaper to push it over the 100g max for a
standard letter, so they'd have to pay the
excess. I admit this is monumentally petty."
* TORY CUNTS - "Me & 2 mates at uni finished our
degrees ('94) & advertised in the local
newspaper as a fake company seeking a graduate
for the exact job we were seeking. 350 CVs sent
inc fellow students & friends. Kept top 10,
designed our CVs with the best bits and all got
jobs within a month."
* RELATABLE CUNTS - "On the way home from a pub
with my mate, we spoke about how we all used to
play 'ding dong dash' when we were kids. There
was a short pause before we said in unison
'should we'. Spent the next hour pissing off
the locals. We're both 53."
Follow the account that only has followers
because of a bug in the social media platform,
meaning the algorithm kept recommending it to
people instead of that one that posts photos of
Zammo from Grange Hill off his head on dried
potato products.
https://twitter.com/fesshole/
Last week we did the Leicester show and we
fucking loved it, he audience was completely up
for it and a good time was had by all. Come to
Cambridge this week or also buy tickets for
Dublin, Brighton, Northampton and/or Glasgow.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Of course you can buy the book, the New
Fesstiment, which is a too-clever-by-half title
because we're stupid show offs.
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
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: SITES IN BRIEFS
Your 'Your Sinclair' Letters page this week
* DISNEY JAZZ - Interesting digression into the
house jazz band in the golden era of Disney. It
takes a fantastic detour into a whole
lost-and-found media bit via the medium of old
disks bought on eBay. You'll enjoy reading this
- AND listening.
https://cabel.com/2024/02/13/firehouse-five-and-th...
* WHY THE MOON LANDINGS WEREN'T FAKED - B3tans
probably don't need to be told that moon
landings weren't faked but this is an
entertaining version of it. Official b3ta view
is that Kubrick was asked to fake the moon
landings, but was such a perfectionist, that he
personally orchestrated the entire Apollo
program and flew to the moon to make sure the
footage was right.
https://b3ta.com/links/Filmmaker_explains_why_it_w...
* NOVELTY PASSWORD MAKER - Generate a strong
password by catching random characters in your
basket. If you want to turn this into an actual
game, your challenge is to get the password
123456.
https://passwordbasket.com
* MATCHY GAME - A nicely chilled out match-three
game which features just the right level of
interaction to distract your brain from
replaying every cringe-worthy thing you have
ever done since 1996 and get that heart rate
down.
https://khutchins.itch.io/matchonix
* DRAGGY GAME - Fans of Photoshop's rectangular
marquee tool should be good at this puzzler in
which you must rid the board of all the black
squares via your selection skills alone.
https://unflipgame.com
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Change-a-letter books
Here's the best images from last week:
* 'MONKEON' has brought us a take on Eric
Carle's children's classic which goes the extra
mile on the detail - lovely jokes.
https://b3ta.com/board/11404033
* 'HOOCHALOBSTER' brings us a very silly gag
which is somehow delightful
https://b3ta.com/board/11404020
* 'MAX HARVEY' brings us the book Kubrick
*should* have turned into a movie
https://b3ta.com/board/11404044
* See all the other images from the
'Change-a-letter books' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/changealetterbooks/popul...
>> This week: Augmented Reality <<
Augmented Reality headsets are here and they're
bound to make life much better... somehow. Show
us your ideas for how the digital and real world
may combine, or just take the piss out of
techno-wazzocks in their fancy new glasses.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/augmentedreality/popular
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
Follow ups on previous stories
* REMEMBER MUSHYBEES WITH THIS FONT - Matt Round
of Vole.WTF says, "We've updated the free
Raybees font we made for our site." Maybe this
could be Bees one-shot at immortality? The font
that outlives us all. Probably needs to be
uploaded all those terrible free font websites
and stripped of context mind you.
https://vole.wtf/raybees-font/
* IS YOUR BRAIN A DATABASE? Just thought we'd
mention this game from 'Porky Ragu' near the
bottom of the newsletter as we liked the concept
and the effort that's gone into it, but we just
found it impossible to play as we just don't
have this knowledge in our heads. Maybe you do?
Apparently "IMDbOGGLE: Actors are letters, words
are movies." Still, we're not negging on it, and
we wish everyone involved good luck.
https://imdboggle.vercel.app/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to start you off, thanks Uncle B3ta
* THE BIRTHDAY GAME - Each day it picks the 20
or so famous people whose birthday it is and you
have to sort them by birth year. This would be
best if it was the type of celebs someone like
Monkeon would pick and they're mostly the cast
of Hi-De-Hi.
* SUPERBOWL CHECKER - write some code that digs
through every single page title on Wikipedia and
compares it to a dictionary to see if there's
any more 'superb owls' in there.
* RIGHTCOMMENTS - a recent anon_opin said
"Rightmove & Zoopla should let you comment under
each property. Some shitholes deserve to be
shamed." Why not write a site that scrapes the
houses and adds the ability to comment?
Send us an email, we read absolutely everything,
minus the emails that start "Rob, you've been a
cunt for over twenty years, can you please give
it a rest for one day." Yeah, thanks Mum.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
AH FUCK IT, a bonus idea, "What Percent
Breakdancing Dad Are You?" as there are certain
senior members of the B3ta team who are clearly
not 0% on this scale.
https://twitter.com/sheherzog/status/1757848324055...
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (boopboop - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec,
Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe. No, actually done a
couple of bits recently, do sign up.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
Oh and friends tell friends to subscribe to the
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in time.
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: AH FUCK IT, BONUS 'COUPLES' FESSHOLE
"This morning in bed, my new girlfriend told me
we could do anything I wanted. We watched two
old episodes of Robot Wars. Not what she was
thinking but it was brilliant. Would recommend."
