NEWSLETTER: "FAILURE TO READ THIS NEWSLETTER MAY RESULT IN YOUR BUM FALLING OFF"
This Week:
* ALIEN - The text-y word game
* SURPRISINGLY BULGING 'what happened next' bit
* PHOTO GAME - How to make a perfect cup of tea
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "It looks like the web
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | needs shaving again,
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| our work is not done"
B3ta electronic intifada 902 - 5th April 2024
Ask Bono to read this issue through a vocoder:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue902
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than feeling guilt about bathroom "visits"
* ALIEN WORD GAME - "I've made a 5-letter word
game based on the Alien title sequence, which
you can play as many times a day as you want as
it has nothing to do with W****e, which I've
never even heard of." Very clever idea Mr
Monkeon and it's better than that game we must
never mention as it's not stuck to that
ridiculous one-a-day thing, which was fine for
some things, but has got overused.
https://monkeon.co.uk/building-better-words/
* THE 'BAGPUSS' BACK CATALOGUE - Dave Bagpuss
Forsey writes, "This year I spent way too long
building a stupid website to promote my
nonsense, that is tenuously based around beer
mats and pints." This is a nice round up of
projects that Dave has had featured in this very
newsletter over the last few years - should keep
you busy whilst you contemplate the apocalypse.
https://bagpuss.org/
* BUY A BOOK ABOUT AN ALMOST ROCKSTAR - a while
back we featured Michael M Physics's amusing
musing on trying to make it as a pop star and
he's now turned it into a proper book and says,
"In the 00s, I was in the world's best and most
forgotten indie punk band, We Are The Physics.
Never heard of them? I wouldn't have either if I
hadn't been in them. So I've written a whole
book about what it's like to be a massive
international failure." Get your pre-orders in
now:
https://shop.lastnightfromglasgow.com/products/the...
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Buy some lovely clothes from our sponsors
Hebtro make durable clothes in the UK, and it's
ideal for gifts for men or even yourself.
They're good eggs who sponsor B3ta and therefore
help give us the time we need to keep this 23
(!) year old project going, so dig deep and
cover yourself in Hebtro threads, your cold
tootsies will thank you for it.
https://hebtro.co/
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: FESSHOLE
Confessions turned into thin internet gruel
Several years ago we opened a Google form to ask
people to confess with the idea of tweeting a
few out and now there's been over 250,000
submissions and it's made our life slightly odd.
Here's a few we didn't completely hate this
week:
* THE FURRY GOOD PR OUTREACH CAMPAIGN - "I'm an
artist and animator and I've lost way too much
work to AI. The only thing I can rely on is the
Furries. They shun and excommunicate anyone
using it. Those lovely loyal little perverts are
keeping a roof over my head."
* WE'VE ALL DONE IT - "Girlfriend was WFH &
left her desk. I walked in the room, pulled my
top up & said to my belly "are you hungry?" I
pushed my rolls of fat together to make it look
like a mouth & said "me want cookies" in a
cookie monster voice. She was on a video call &
all her team witnessed it."
* READERS SHEDS - "When my wife is home, I have
to agree with her that the fact our neighbour
built a pub in his garden shed is pathetic and
ridiculous. But while she's at work on the night
shift as a nurse, I'm actually drinking with the
neighbour in his spectacularly awesome garden
pub."
Follow on the network we refused to call X
because it's a stupid name and eventually Musk
will get bored of it all and sell it off and
it'll be Twitter again.
https://twitter.com/fesshole
BUY TICKETS. Dublin, Brighton, Northampton,
Durham. Come now before we think fuck this
bullshit and don't leave the house again for 10
years.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
BUY THE BOOK. It's the second book, although
technically it's the third if we include the one
we submitted that the publisher refused to
publish.
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
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: SITES IN BRIEF
URL, you'll be on Wogan soon
* MAKE A PERFECT CUP OF TEA - 'Downpour' is a
simple but nicely versatile way to make stupid
web games from pictures. In this case, an
exciting challenge to make the perfect cup of
tea.
https://downpour.games/~terry/a-proper-cup-of-tea
* GERMAN RAP - You didn't know you like Deutch
MCing - but you do - you fucking love it.
https://b3ta.com/links/1614184
* THE WIFI ONLY WORKS WHEN IT'S RAINING - have
a guess at the cause just from the headline,
then see how close you were.
https://predr.ag/blog/wifi-only-works-when-its-rai...
* RANDOM MUSIC SUGGESTION ENGINE - Random
buttons that give you what you didn't know you
want are much better than algorithms that turn
people into monomaniac nutcases. This site
allows you to pick a random genre and chooses
you a random song from the Discogs database.
https://digthis.club
* BIRDY GAME - A really well designed little
platformer about a birb which ramps up the
difficulty nicely over its 5 minute playing
time, and has a perfect ending.
https://daz.itch.io/apollo
* BUM LOGO - "Are you still running the Goatse
of the Week thing?" asks Matt Muir. We are not.
STOP IT. We will not feature this.
https://circle.gnome.org/
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Literal Celebs
Last week we asked you to photoshop celebrities'
names in a literal way and it you did enjoy
yourselves and there was lots of entries.
* Monkeon gives us the perfect toilet book
http://b3ta.com/board/11406031
* Plankton came up with a joke that your editor
enjoyed so much he said it out loud to a friend.
Praise indeed.
http://b3ta.com/board/11405970
* And 'NINJ' gives us our second Alien reference
in this newsletter for the talented Miss Ripley.
https://b3ta.com/board/11406027
* See all the other images from the 'Literal
Celebs' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/literalcelebs/popular
>> This week: Big-Screen Comedy Cameos <<
Brighten up films by adding classic characters
from the world of sitcoms and TV comedy. Let's
see Onslow comparing vests with Bruce Willis or
the Fonz jump Jaws.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/bigscreencomedycameos
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: FOLLOW UPS
You know, what happened "next" etc
* JOEL & NATT'S TV SHOW SUCCESS - last week we
mentioned that two old B3tans were taking on
kids TV and the viewing figures have been great,
Natt writes, "Netflix's Top Ten runs from Monday
to Sunday, and we came out last Thursday. We
thought we had no chance of making the list
because we're a new children's programme, not
from an established IP and we were only on the
service for half the week. Well, we hit number 7
with 2 million views last week for our dopey,
silly, farty, and very bad dinosaurs. A real
honour to be there with some great shows." So do
check out Bad Dinosaurs if you have little ones,
safe in the knowledge it comes from the minds of
the man who did SPOOOOOONGUARD and the other one
who spent 10+ years pretending to be a Tory MP
and somehow wasn't actually as far-right as the
ones we ended up with.
* EGG POD LIVE 2024 - Chris from our favourite
Beatles podcast tells us that there will be a
live event this summer and also offered us a
couple of tickets so your newsletter editor will
be there, if not probably on stage this time,
dressed as a fat policeman.
* BRITISH GOLF - Matt Round says, "if you need
some follow-up content, you can mention Dog Poo
Golf's UK Mode". Apparently you can press the £
key and the game gets more British which
probably means it'll invade you 100 years ago
and more recently fuck up your mortgage.
https://vole.wtf/dog-poo-golf/
* TEXT CHAT RADIO DOC - Your editor got to read
out 5 or 6 Fesshole confessions on this Radio 4
documentary about group chats. Worth a listen
actually, pretty entertaining, and we're not
just saying that because we're working with the
producer on another project that we can't just
talk about just yet.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m001xvdh
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you off
* "SON I'M THIRTY, I ONLY WENT WITH YOUR MOTHER
COZ SHE'S DIRTY" - find photos of Shaun Ryder
aged 30 to his current age and write rhymes for
each one. "Son I'm 61, I only went with your
mother coz she looked like Simon Le Bon"
* P U S S Y I N B I O GENERATOR - Yeah you can
type out this bollocks with a bit of cut and
paste but a tool might be fun, especially if you
got it to say sillier variations.
* GIVEN WE'VE RECENTLY LEARNT HOW POORLY MEN
WIPE THEIR ARES - someone should be a book "All
The Simple Stuff Your Dad Didn"t Teach You
Because He Was Too Busy Playing With His Phone"
and it literally being on how to wipe your bum,
tie shoelaces & use a knife and fork correctly.
Send us an email using the magic and awesome
power of an internet form:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
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Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
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James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
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Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
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STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
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Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
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Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (You JUST learned that? -
Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec,
Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats.
And do please donate as you get occasional
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: AH FUCK IT, BONUS 'YOU'RE OLD' FESSHOLE
"Went on a night out for the first time in ages
and asked the DJ to play Mr Brightside. He said
sorry we aren't playing golden oldies tonight.
It was that exact moment I realised I've gotten
old."
