NEWSLETTER: "B3TA MOVES TO 'B3TA TOWERS NORTH' TO ENCOURAGE NORTHERNERS TO LEARN PHOTOSHOP"
* BRYAN FERRY ALT NAME-GEN - 'Brylcreem Furry'
* IMAGE CHALLENGE - the results of the dinosaur
* ANOTHER DRUM MACHINE - b'dum tish
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web by
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | reading out the good bits
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| on CB radio... together"
B3ta newsletter 992, 2nd Aug 2026
Read this issue to your confused children:
https://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue992
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making spud-mash tributes to Burnham
* BRYAN FERRY FUCKED-UP NAME SIMULATOR - Monkeon
writes "New nonsense about Bryan Ferry based on
a throwaway comment in a book. Mostly done
because I fancied making some old Top of The
Pops titles in CSS." This is classic Monkeon,
you're either on this bus or you are not, and if
you are not you are a fool.
https://www.monkeon.co.uk/byron-ferrari-generator/
* IKEA DATABASE SEX ACTION - lepetitg writes, "I
made a purportedly useful site which lets you
rank over 20k Ikea products by how long they
will approximately take to build." Actually this
is weirdly great, treating Ikea crap like LEGO,
with sets to complete, which might work if
you're a giant.
https://ikea.greg.technology/
* THIS NEWSLETTER SAYS VOTE FOR BINS - The UK
has gone doolally for Count Binface, the only
serious politician standing against Niggle
Forage in the Clacton by-election. Your pet
photoshop botherer Christhebarker has knocked up
a game with the help of Eurovision trickster
Ricardo Authbahn on vibes. Remember the slogan:
better trash than fash.
https://binface.space/
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Time for you, dear reader, to buy some clothes
There are three reasons you should buy clothes
at Hebtro: 1. You want a gift for one of the
difficult-to-buy-for men in your life, 2. You
want to buy yourself a treat because you're
worth it or 3. You just love B3ta so much, you
want the advertising to work, so you support the
sponsorship. All good reasons, and all clothes
made in the UK, to high standards and designed
to last. Get dressed, nude readers.
https://hebtro.co/department/new/
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: FESSHOLE
The confessions bit that we pretend to despise
Some of you miss the Question Of The Week and
are "what's this Fesshole shite? QotW is better"
and you have a point, but this is what you're
getting. Some fun-ish ones this week include:
* TENUOUS LINK - "Been using a Nivea
antiperspirant lately which is absolutely
useless. Out in town, sweating like hell, I
stopped by Superdrug and grabbed the cheapest
alternative: Lynx. Say what you will about it,
but I was dry as a bone after using it. As I'm
sure was any woman who smelt me."
* OVER THE HILL - "Excited to see Harry Hill in
a Yorkshire pub. I went over and told him how I
was a fan and still fondly remembered him
performing in the Tufnell Park Tavern in the
90s. He looked perplexed but said nothing.
Later, my husband commented on how polite Ross
Kemp had been."
* UP THE GARDEN PATH - "My neighbour offered to
renovate my garden for almost nothing if I don't
tell his wife that I saw him in his car with
another woman when I drove past him a few weeks
ago. He's confused me with someone else but I'm
happy to exploit the situation as my garden's a
tip and I'm lazy"
Follow the account that only has followers
because you mistook it for the funny one which
posts pictures of Dusty Bin taking his own
bin-hat off and revealing he has no brain. Brrr.
Spooky.
https://www.instagram.com/fesshole/
Buy the books so that we get Amazon pennies kick
backs and can spend it on *checks Amazon
history* ok, more anal suppositories nurse.
Delicious.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/s
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Your pocket guide to the World Wide (Jimmy) Web
* ROCK AND ROLL DRUMS - Novelty drum machines
are a rare part of the internet that's thriving.
With this one, you must select sides of a rock
and lob it down a hill. John Cage would be
proud. Not the most obvious thing to click, but
the ? contains the settings you need.
https://mifsud.org/stone/
* WELCOME TO THE MEATVERSE - This virtual rave
was massive a few weeks back, but there seems to
be quite a few real people on it now. This is
what people wanted from a metaverse, Mark
Zuckerberg, not a boring place to have a virtual
business meeting.
https://hallucinate.site/
* STICKY WIKI - Neal Dotfun has got his scissors
out and made us stickers of everything on
Wikimedia so you can browse it visually. Now
Google Images is AI borked, this is as good an
image search as any on the world wide web.
https://neal.fun/wiki-spy/
* SEE ALL UK TRAINS ON A MAP - neat bit of data
visualisation, although we'd like to be able to
add bombs to the trains to see what maximum
mayhem we could cause.
https://www.map.signalbox.io/
* MURDER SHE WROTE, PROMO - incredible bit of
bad-taste advertising for the TV show you end up
watching if you've already watched all of
Columbo twice and done most of Ironside. Ok,
Incredible Hulk (1977) it is.
https://b3ta.com/links/Murder_She_Wrote_baseball_p...
* AMUSING SONG ABOUT AFRICA - written from the
perspective of a white guy who's gone there and
found it all spiritual. Worth watching once,
then turning the subtitles on and watching a
second time.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Dinosaurs
Here's the best images from last week's
challenge:
* 'Ya What' riffs on the famous tiny t-rex arms
thing and finds fresh material
https://b3ta.com/board/11429569
* 'The Legendary Pink Dot' reminds us of a kids
TV show that, although we remember the theme
tune fondly, we never want to see again, and are
alarmed they produced nine seasons of it.
Cheggers Made Slop.
https://b3ta.com/board/11429843
* And 'Octo' makes some TV that we WISH existed
https://b3ta.com/board/11429570
* See all the other images from the 'Dinosaurs'
challenge:
https://b3ta.com/challenge/dinosaurs/popular
>> This week: Make everything northern <<
In celebration of the UK getting a new prime
minister we're demanding that you make
everything northern.
https://b3ta.com/challenge/makeeverythingnorthern/...
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: BEST ANON OPINs, FEATURING REPLIES
It's Points Of WWWiew with Barry Took Dot Com
Opinions are easy, you can have ten hot-takes a
second if you like, just look around you, er...
ham should be on the NHS. Anyway, join in, if
you like.
* LEGLESS - "I lost my lower left leg 6 years
ago. I still have to pay full price for a pair
of trainers. You should be able to get a single
one if that's what you need, or a pair in
different sizes, or 19 right ones and one left,
I don't care. Sort it out, shoe cunts." Best
reply? "Sounds like you need to find someone who
lost their lower right leg so you can split the
bill. Then you can be sole mates." (thx
LarkinBloom)
* EGGLESS - "From LtoR, top row then bottom row,
eggs should always be arranged in the box
thusly: 123456, 1234x6, 123x5x, 1x3x5x, x2xx5x,
x2xxxx. Random egg removal without rearrangement
is only for the clinically insane." Best reply?
"What has Lord of the Rings got to do with
this?" (thx Ken Legs)
* WET WET WET LESS - "Considering they were huge
in the late 80's and 90's, you rarely hear Wet
Wet Wet on the music channels, oldies stations
etc. Not even in top Scottish band lists. It's
almost like they never existed." Best reply?
"Nature is healing." (thx Andyinafield )
Follow the account that's actually our favourite
of these things as it's fun to reply to.
https://bsky.app/profile/anonopin.bsky.social
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: FOLLOW UPS
What b3ta 'Alluminati' did next
* SWEDEMASON IN THE BFI - Mashup genius Swede
tells us, "some of my stuff has been accepted
into the internet meme BFI thingy: Back of the
van, Clarkson beatbox I think), Biscuit base,
McCartney rabbit hole, trump once in a lifetime
and a couple of JOE things. Do they know it's
Covid time?, Goodfellows. I rang them cos I
wanted to know if they'd considered biscuit base
but rejected it cos Wallace got his cock out."
* WEEBL NEWS - Jonti Picking of infinite badger
fame tells us, "We're making a Looshkin short
for Jamie Smart, creator of Bunny Vs Monkey. The
brief was amazing and covered in his doodles.
I'm currently building the character models."
* HEY HEY 16 PODKASTS - MJHibbett writes, "I've
got a new podcast called 'Data and Doctor Doom'
which is a musical adaptation of my PhD thesis
about data and also Doctor Doom. It's for people
who like comics, data analysis, and indie
bellowing - I'm highly aware that the centre of
that Venn diagram might be just me, but in case
anyone else fancies a listen it should be
available wherever people get podcasts, or
direct from the website here."
https://www.dataanddoctordoom.com
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Become "newsletter famous" like your heroes
* BEATLES FOOTNOTES - Sometimes we imagine the
Beatles songs slipping into history where they
need annotations, like Shakespeare, for a
current audience to follow. Obvious ones like
"ten bob note" and "line's engaged" but this
morning, as we put some holed socks in the bin
we thought "who even darns socks?"
* OUR 'SMASH HITS BOT' REMINDED US THAT SPANDAU
BALLET MADE A TERRIBLE SONG CALLED 'INSTINCTION'
- and Peter Andre once gave us 'Insania' - write
a complete guide crap song neologisms.
* MARRIAGE APP - Why hadn't some tech bro
disrupted marriage yet? It just needs to be some
app on the blockchain where you both click "ok".
And third parties could bet on a predictive
market of when one party may click cancel. Is it
because our thinking is out of date and we
haven't shoehorned AI in?
All you have to do is make stuff and email us,
but that doesn't mean AI prompted shite ok?
You're better than that.
https://b3ta.com/mailus
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *STOOBERT* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *DION ASHTON* *MARK* *24-7 DEATH*
*DAVID GREEN* *MICHAEL KITT* and *GUB~GUB*.
MARK ADAMSON, IAN SHEEN, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, MICHAEL TRINDER, MIKE STRINGER,
AUSTIN HOFEMAN, and NATHANIEL TAPLEY.
Tom Dolan, Kate, Chris Carline, lee burnett,
Paul Cherry, Matthew Wilkes, Tom Wright, Kev
Adams, DoHa, Rich, Dave Nattriss, Dan Stott,
Konrad Petrusewicz, David Ault, '@mattdawhit,
Adam Lloyd, Anna, Ashens, Chris Evans, d@m0,
Dave Tickle, David Catley, David Mills, Derek
Law, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Gia Milinovich,
Greg Neilson, Iain Brassington, Iain Ruxton,
Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly, Jason Stewart, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jude Evans, Kate
Devlin, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matthew
Collinge, Matthew Morris, Neil de Carteret, Nick
Ross, Paul Smith, peter wouda, pookong, Ricardo
Autobahn, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, the wub, Tim Jokl,
Tom Ryan, Wil Hadden, Byron Geoffrey Farrow,
Chef Twat, Craig Turner, fourstar71, Jonty
Wareing, Stevey Garland, Helen Gaskell, Ben
Ward, Andy Tillett, Stafford Lawrence, omnipiss,
Simon Balch, Claire Turner, Phil Lovell, Jon
Morris Smith, Stuart, Mellyfish, Roy Santos,
Phillip Spowart, Daniel Calvin, Rich Corcoran,
John Daly, nevillebartos, Geoff Tidey, Ian
Walker, Leighton Stevenson, Funny_Hat, Gillian
Parrott, Phil Bennett, Matt, Oni, Katie
Steckles, Luka Mikec, Stuart, Simon Howard, Kier
Fox, Peter Henningsen, tom yeoldeforge, C Bond,
Harri Bionic, mattcox303, Gerry Spencer, Patrick
Hudson, Richie Hindle, Robert van Dijk, Ian
Walker, Paul Martyn, John Davies, DrumGui76,
Harry Simpson, Paul Pod, Tom Loosemore, Mark
Arnold, ' da, and Zoe Trinder-Widdess.
Also thanks to the 76 lovely people who didn't
opt to be thanked by name: NM, BB, JB, GT, SR,
JF, CW, LA, CJ, ES, MC, SF, JB, CO, MC, AD, AS,
AR, CN, DM, DS, HA, IS, JM, NH, PR, SM, MB, CK,
AC, DG, DC, NK, CA, IB, BS, CC, CS, CZ, DP, DE,
EN, GS, GF, IO, JL, JB, LB, LE, LJ, MM, MB, MF,
NJ, OL, PB, PW, PB, RC, RA, RM, RS, SC, SR, SW,
TB, TH, WI, AH, CW, RP, TK, VW, BC, SE, and BB.
You are all legends.
And also thanks to our newest benefactors: Zoe
Trinder-Widdess, ' da, Mark Arnold, DrumGui76,
Patrick Hudson, John Davies, Paul Pod, Tom
Loosemore, Gerry Spencer, and Harry Simpson.
YOUR NAME COULD BE HERE - Remember you TOO can
contribute to the Patreon, it means your editor
can afford to write this newsletter thing as it
takes time and effort.
https://patreon.com/b3ta
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support.
And remember to subscribe, and tell your friends
to subscribe. And especially tell your enemies.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: BONUS "DICTIONARY" FESSHOLE
"Pre internet I once drove half an hour home to
get a dictionary to prove to my work colleague
that the word gullible was in the dictionary. I
was literally 2 mins away, on the way back, when
it dawned on me." Best reply? "I worked with a
guy who fell for every prank going. He was sent
out for a left-handed screwdriver, the bubble in
a spirit-level everything. I checked in on him
and discovered that he knew all the time. He
just liked getting out of the hot kitchen for an
hour. He stopped off for an ice cream on the
way." (thx Dr Russ King)
