NEWSLETTER: "SMASH THIS NEWSLETTER IN RAGE BECAUSE WE'VE NOT INCLUDED YOUR THATCHER/DALEK SLASH FICTION"
* SWEDEMASON - interviewed and mashed-up
* WIDTHIPEDIA - one article for every resolution
* CHALLENGE RESULTS - Comic Book Characters on TV
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web by
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | still existing, unlike
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| pets dot com... together"
B3ta electronic e-newsletter 994, 18th Aug 2026
Read this issue on a prison visit:
https://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue994
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than submitting 'poo smilies' to Unicode
* SWEDEMASON CUT UP LIKE JIGSAW- cult songwriter
and mash-up artist Swedemason has recorded a
podcast about his work and to promote it, he's
cut up the podcast into one of his 'tracks', as
he explains, "The guys at Half the Picture
wanted to hear me bang on for and hour, so I
obliged. Then I remixed it to give myself a
taste of my own medicine. It was excruciating."
Watch the video then settle down to listening to
the full podcast on your Creative Nomad or
Diamond Rio PMP300.
https://b3ta.com/links/1633636
* PHOTOCOPY INCEPTION ART TOOL - Lepetitg
writes, "I made a site where you can photocopy
me, or your own photo, by going to the site,
repeatedly. Err, do young people know what a
photocopy even is?" Reminds us of how we used to
behave in our first office job when everyone
went home, glad to see it wasn't only us making
crap recursive photoshop art. And stealing the
loo roll.
https://photocopy.greg.technology/
* WITHIPEDIA - "I made a new way to browse
Wikipedia" writes Matt Rouund, "See a different
Wikipedia article for every browser width
height combo, with over 7.2 million possible
results." We recommend setting your browser size
to exactly 768x1160 for the pinnacle of what
entertainment the internet can still deliver.
https://vole.wtf/widthipedia/
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Hebtro get new copy every week from b3ta.com
Hebtro make clothes, and we make newsletters,
and what if we combined them by using our
newsletter to tell you about their clothes?
Well, they're made to last, built in the UK and
ideal as presents for the difficult men in your
life, and every week we write this slightly
differently in the hope your eyes don't bounce
over this section as boring ad copy. Dig deep,
b3tans, and get dressed.
https://hebtro.co/department/new/
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: FESSHOLE
Confessions of a Windows (Registry) Cleaner
Do you know why most people's
every-one-please-join-in internet projects don't
get submissions? It's because they don't really
work with how people are, you have to see online
like clay, you can mould it in a certain way,
but you can't fundamentally make it not clay.
For more pottery based insights, book us for
after dinner-speaking etc. Anyway, three of our
favs this week included these, all office themed
too.
* RULE BRITANNIA - "My small British company was
bought by Americans. I have just been formally
reprimanded for sarcasm and sardonic commentary.
I told the disciplinary panel I was grateful for
the opportunity to reflect on my attitude going
forward and would be certain to bear it in mind
in future."
* INTERVIEW TIPS - "In a job interview I was
asked what I'd like to be remembered for. I
responded that I had no desire to be remembered.
My main takeaway from a BA and MA in history is
that people in history books are villains or
victims and I didn't want to be either. Didn't
get the job."
* YES KEN DO - "I was the third Kenny hired in
our office in 1997. When we reviewed CVs for the
next hiring round we prioritised other Kennys.
When I left in 2003 we had eight Kennys. I
suppose hiring based on a first name is a bit
unethical but it was funny."
Follow the account on Instagram, as we like the
idea we could get enough numbers, we could
become one of those influencers who shows off
their perfect life in a borderline-fascist
Middle-Eastern state, and has great teeth.
https://www.instagram.com/fesshole/
Buy the books because one day the internet will
be bit-rot but paper has a chance of lasting a
couple of hundred years, and once this
civilisation falls due to climate change and a
corrupt oligarchical class that doesn't know
what to do other than acquire wealth and build
bunkers, maybe the Fesshole books will all
anyone will have to remember the collapsing
post-war settlement by.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/s
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Arouse your browser by not wearing trousers
* AI CAN FUCK OFF, NO 187261 - This post on
vibe-coded shit articulates our own frustration
with the area - yes it's kinda fun to press a
button and instantly a thing appears, but it
makes it harder and harder to spot people doing
good and interesting stuff, as everything is
superficially ok-ish and made by people who
don't give a shit.
https://tedium.co/2026/08/09/vibe-coding-insinceri...
* CAPTCHA GAME - someone is having fun with a
series of absurd captchas and making it into a
challenging game. We couldn't play because we're
not entirely sure we're not a robot, as much
like you don't know you're in a simulation, how
do you know you're not a Rumba vacuum cleaner,
re-charging, having a little sleep, and dreaming
that they're experiencing the B3ta newsletter?
https://john.fun/captcha-game
* REALISTIC MICROSOFT SIMULATOR - Bill Gates'
rubbish old "game" DONKEY.BAS is apparently 45
years old, and this fan site has been set up in
celebration, should you want to give it a go in
your browser. You can always pretend co-writer
Neil Konzen is the Johnny Marr / Stephen
Merchant of the partnership and give him all the
credit, should you feel the need to separate art
and artist.
https://donkeybas.com/
* HOW QUICK CAN YOU TELL THE TIME - At last a
game that old gits can beat the kids at. How
fast can you read the analogue clocks? Piece of
piss. Yeah, boyyyy. Pretty sure something like
this was published as "educational software" by
AMSOFT in 1984, maybe as all our collective IQ
degrades as we learn to rely on machines,
there's more minor viral hits to be had in
ripping off 1980s games designed for children?
https://analog.watch/
* JUNGLE JIM'S GROCERY STORE - Quite enjoyed
watching this video about a Ohio store presented
by an 'influencer' who doesn't quite grasp the
business model, when the business model is
clearly make the store awesome, and probably
that the owner got lucky with a location which
allowed him a fuck load of space to expand.
https://b3ta.com/links/1633611
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Comic Book Characters on TV
Here's the best images from this week:
* 'HYPE' sent us off into to looking up M*A*S*H
and reading about the Network row on whether it
should have a laughter track or not. Our
position is more TV should have an audience
reacting along, e.g. have the news read out in
the Birmingham NEC Arena.
https://b3ta.com/board/11430239
* 'HAPPY TOAST' is here to remind you that the
best TV series of the 1970s is currently on
Prime. Seriously, watch it, 2026 is the year of
the 1978 Hulk, well it is in B3ta HQ anyway.
https://b3ta.com/board/11430137
* 'NINJ' has reminded us of the better times
when Lord Snooty was in parliament, ok it wasn't
a better time, but it was fun hating him a bit.
https://b3ta.com/board/11430163
* See all the other images from the 'Comic Book
Characters on TV' challenge, or alternatively
make your own entertainment by sticking a camera
up your bottom and mimimg the "ooooooooh" bit of
"oooooooh you make me feel" from the Queen song
using your anus muscle.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/comicbookcharactersontv/...
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: BEST ANON OPINs, FEATURING REPLIES
If you don't like these opinions, tough
In the B3ta publishing empire, the image
challenge is the Funday Times, Fesshole is the
'news' and Anon Opin is the opinion columns.
Your editor is the third man with the initials
RM that sat over a corrupt literary powerhouse
like a monstrous toad.
Anyway, some of our favs this week didn't
include these, we hated these ones the most:
* MAKEUDRINK - "Too many people in the UK buy
supermarket bottled water. The stuff in your
taps is absolutely fine." Best reply? "Yep. What
do bottled water companies make? Not water, but
plastic." (thx Alan Jewitt)
* DI-DIE-DAY - "The before-and-after moment of
modern Britain is Princess Diana's death. The
bizarre, operatic public grieving and un-British
collective abandonment of dignity and propriety
gravely wounded the national psyche. We pissed
our fucking trousers and have never come back
from it." Best reply? "The responses to this are
going to be an absolute car crash." (thx Dave
Brockman)
* BIBLE BIBBLE - "We should just pin all the
world's debt on one bloke and then fire him into
space." Best reply? "Congratulations you've
invented Christianity" (thx edmundojumbo)
Follow the account that'll put you on a list at
GCHQ:
https://bsky.app/profile/anonopin.bsky.social
-------------------------------------------------
: FOLLOW UPS
What happened next, you know, the bitty bits
* BILL ODDIE, RIPPY THUMP - sorry to see the
exit of the second Goodie, immortalised in this
B3ta / Rathergood production from 2001. A rare
Joel Veitch / Rob Manuel / Madonna credit. It's
nearly a William Orbit tribute too, but then we
remember he didn't do this one but the one that
went "ANNA FRIEL!"
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* TRANSLATION REACTIONS - judge62 writes,
"Regarding Google Translate, if you choose
English > Hungarian, type 'cheese cheese cheese
cheese cheese' and click, you'll get a
Ramsay-esque assessment of the product." Oh god
are we going to have to check this? Hmm, sounds
Irish to us, like Bono complaining about The
Edge's new echo box.
https://translate.google.com/
* HYPE FOR MATT ROUND'S NEXT PROJECT - Mr Vole
tells us what he's got coming up: "I've got a
cryptic crossword devised by Guy Kelly for the
vole site." So do you feel hyped readers? Whoop,
whooop, the hype is happening.
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to make you "newsletter" famous
* DO THEY USE AI OR NOT - open a website of
record where businesses can be struck off for
using shite AI, submit your evidence, let the
guilty be never forgotten.
* WHERE'S KEVIN? - we were looking at the latest
from Cold War Steve, where he's stuck all the
musicians from the Midlands in one Sgt Pepper
poster, and realised it contained a chap we were
at university with, so we could play our own
game of where's Wally, but with the one-time
guitar play from Dexy's Midnight Runners. Maybe
you want to turn this into a clickable game
everyone can play? But probably with Noddy or
someone.
https://bsky.app/profile/coldwarsteve.bsky.social/...
* NOTIFY - make a conceptual version of Spotify
that is only the tracks that aren't on Spotify,
you can't play them of course, maybe it links to
where to buy the CD on eBay. Prompted by
noticing that the Black Grape b-side Straight
Outta Trumpton, isn't on streaming, who knows
why, maybe uses an uncleared sample or Pugh,
Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble, and Grubb
are particularly litigious.
Make things, tell us about them, get involved in
the only internet project that matters.
https://b3ta.com/mailus
-------------------------------------------------
: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *STOOBERT* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *DION ASHTON* *MARK* *24-7 DEATH*
*DAVID GREEN* *MICHAEL KITT* and *GUB~GUB*.
MARK ADAMSON, IAN SHEEN, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, MICHAEL TRINDER, MIKE STRINGER,
AUSTIN HOFEMAN, and NATHANIEL TAPLEY.
Tom Dolan, Kate, Chris Carline, lee burnett,
Paul Cherry, Matthew Wilkes, Tom Wright, Kev
Adams, DoHa, Rich, Dave Nattriss, Dan Stott,
Konrad Petrusewicz, David Ault, '@mattdawhit,
Adam Lloyd, Anna, Ashens, Chris Evans, d@m0,
Dave Tickle, David Catley, David Mills, Derek
Law, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Gia Milinovich,
Greg Neilson, Iain Brassington, Iain Ruxton,
Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly, Jason Stewart, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jude Evans, Kate
Devlin, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matthew
Collinge, Matthew Morris, Neil de Carteret, Nick
Ross, Paul Smith, peter wouda, pookong, Ricardo
Autobahn, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, the wub, Tim Jokl,
Tom Ryan, Wil Hadden, Byron Geoffrey Farrow,
Chef Twat, Craig Turner, fourstar71, Jonty
Wareing, Stevey Garland, Helen Gaskell, Ben
Ward, Andy Tillett, Stafford Lawrence, omnipiss,
Simon Balch, Claire Turner, Phil Lovell, Jon
Morris Smith, Stuart, Mellyfish, Roy Santos,
Phillip Spowart, Daniel Calvin, Rich Corcoran,
John Daly, nevillebartos, Geoff Tidey, Ian
Walker, Leighton Stevenson, Funny_Hat, Gillian
Parrott, Phil Bennett, Matt, Oni, Katie
Steckles, Luka Mikec, Stuart, Simon Howard, Kier
Fox, Peter Henningsen, tom yeoldeforge, C Bond,
Harri Bionic, mattcox303, Gerry Spencer, Patrick
Hudson, Richie Hindle, Robert van Dijk, Ian
Walker, Paul Martyn, John Davies, DrumGui76,
Harry Simpson, Paul Pod, Tom Loosemore, Mark
Arnold, da.vidjam.es, and Zoe Trinder-Widdess.
Also thanks to the 76 lovely people who didn't
opt to be thanked by name: NM, BB, JB, GT, SR,
JF, CW, LA, CJ, ES, MC, SF, JB, CO, MC, AD, AS,
AR, CN, DM, DS, HA, IS, JM, NH, PR, SM, MB, CK,
AC, DG, DC, NK, CA, IB, BS, CC, CS, CZ, DP, DE,
EN, GS, GF, IO, JL, JB, LB, LE, LJ, MM, MB, MF,
NJ, OL, PB, PW, PB, RC, RA, RM, RS, SC, SR, SW,
TB, TH, WI, AH, CW, RP, TK, VW, BC, SE, and BB.
You are all legends.
And also thanks to our newest benefactors: Zoe
Trinder-Widdess, da.vidjam.es, Mark Arnold,
DrumGui76, Patrick Hudson, John Davies, Paul
Pod, Tom Loosemore, Gerry Spencer, and Harry
Simpson.
YOUR NAME COULD BE HERE - Remember you TOO can
contribute to the Patreon, it means your editor
can afford to write this newsletter thing as it
takes time and effort.
https://patreon.com/b3ta
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support.
And remember to subscribe, and tell your friends
to subscribe. And especially tell your enemies.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
-------------------------------------------------
: BONUS "PUB AT HOME" FESSHOLE
"I've spent thousands of pounds on a home bar
and have realised it's a tragic waste of money
as I never invite anyone round so just
occasionally sit in there with my wife and kids
watching a slightly worse TV on much worse
furniture than in the lounge 20 yards away."
Best reply? "I don't believe anyone who has a
home bar has this level of self awareness" (thx
LarkinBloom)
