Duct Tape CatOur cat was the most lazy disobedient feline this side of London. It had a knack of knowing exactly what it shouldn't do and how to do it in a way that really pissed you off. Then do it again, and again and again.
In late last summer, it was malting and decided to start lazing on the kitchen work tops, instead of its extreeeemly luxurient over priced cat basket. The problem was that it left hair everywhere and even if you cleaned down the surfaces with Vim, it hair still made its way in to my sandwiches, or even worse prospective lovers sandwiches.... ooooh.
So after a week of shouting at it and throwing it off (neatly avoided using the verb tossing there) the surfaces, i got the arse and poured a liter of cold water over it. It just lay there with the look of 'are you finished?' and then went to go back to sleep! so i got the roll of duct tape I had just bought, and taped one of its paws to the surface. It didn't move. So I taped another one. Still not a twitch. So I then taped the other two, then its tail (both ends (and the middle))still nothing.so i got really pissed off and taped its head. there was nothing left to tape. it continued to lay there for a long time. It then realiesd it was trapped and freaked out!!! you have never seen anything like it. fuck! it managed to free itself, and in the process cured its malting problem. So theres a top tip; use duct tape instead of leg waxing strips. You might be interested to know that he didn't stop sleeping there and got the sympathy vote from the rest of the family.
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Wed 15 Oct 2003, 18:20,
archived)
In late last summer, it was malting and decided to start lazing on the kitchen work tops, instead of its extreeeemly luxurient over priced cat basket. The problem was that it left hair everywhere and even if you cleaned down the surfaces with Vim, it hair still made its way in to my sandwiches, or even worse prospective lovers sandwiches.... ooooh.
So after a week of shouting at it and throwing it off (neatly avoided using the verb tossing there) the surfaces, i got the arse and poured a liter of cold water over it. It just lay there with the look of 'are you finished?' and then went to go back to sleep! so i got the roll of duct tape I had just bought, and taped one of its paws to the surface. It didn't move. So I taped another one. Still not a twitch. So I then taped the other two, then its tail (both ends (and the middle))still nothing.so i got really pissed off and taped its head. there was nothing left to tape. it continued to lay there for a long time. It then realiesd it was trapped and freaked out!!! you have never seen anything like it. fuck! it managed to free itself, and in the process cured its malting problem. So theres a top tip; use duct tape instead of leg waxing strips. You might be interested to know that he didn't stop sleeping there and got the sympathy vote from the rest of the family.
pissed off mumone fine boring day, when i was younger, my friend and i were dreaming up something to do...and then my cat walked by.so we got to thinking and i grabbed my cat, took a razor and shaved a bald line down his back...wasn't enuff, so we took some green food coloring and dyed the cat a nice dark green...wasn't enuff so ( and this part, in retrospect, was not very polite) we trimmed his whiskers short. Needless to say the cat wasn't impressed but we laughed our asses off. We let the cat on his way and he jumped into the house, as we wasted away on the stoop. Anyway, my mom came home from work, walked in the house and let loose a blood curdling scream - the kind of scream we all know as your death rattle...we ran into the house , and alll over the walls, about 6 inches above the floor was a horizontal green stipe where ther cat had tried to rub the food coloring off. Mom flipped out for the first time, saw the bald strip and flipped out again, picked up the cat ( thus soiling herself with green goo), flipped out again and then saw that it had teeny tiny whiskers - flip out. We spent hours scrubbing the walls ( which never came fully clean) and i couldn't sleep because the cat kept falling off things in the middle of the night.Mommy, i'm sorry.
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Wed 15 Oct 2003, 19:33,
archived)
Gerbil Post Humous CabaretWhen 15 by Gerbil (Bartholemew) died, killed by his own brother (Reg) in an act of euthanasia (Bart was very old and on his last legs). My Gerbils being rather popular fellows (I was the only one out of all my friends to have a pet) a small service was held after school for the formal burial. After a few softly spoken words and a small bottle of cheap wine someone had managed to nick of their parents the mood was somewhat sombre it was at this point morbid curiosity set in. Carefully Bart was removed from his makeshift coffin and we all stood gorping at him. The wines was perhaps a bad idea as someone note that if you held his front legs up so it appears as if he stands on his rear legs he looked like a puppet. After discussing the idea Bart's corpse was indigyfied as we made it dance the can can, sing Baggy Trousers and even make an attempt an YMCA all whilst we giggled insanely.
I had brought Reg down to watch, and, so taken was he by the proceedings, he suffered a massive heart attack so too was commended to the earth, but only after a round of Kung Fu Charlie (Reg won, he was in better condition).
Also we used to keep Guinea Pigs (their hutches were in out garage cos we never used it), one of which made its bid for freedom one night and made it as far as our driveway, unfortunately it was at the same time my brother was cycling back from the pub on his new race bike. Being slightly inebriated and it being dark he didn't see the aforementioned Guinea Pig and ran it over. The image is made all the more gruesome by the fact that the racing bike had very thin wheels which had virtually cut the little blighter in two. Suffice to say it wasn't very Steve McQueen.
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Wed 15 Oct 2003, 19:25,
archived)
I had brought Reg down to watch, and, so taken was he by the proceedings, he suffered a massive heart attack so too was commended to the earth, but only after a round of Kung Fu Charlie (Reg won, he was in better condition).
Also we used to keep Guinea Pigs (their hutches were in out garage cos we never used it), one of which made its bid for freedom one night and made it as far as our driveway, unfortunately it was at the same time my brother was cycling back from the pub on his new race bike. Being slightly inebriated and it being dark he didn't see the aforementioned Guinea Pig and ran it over. The image is made all the more gruesome by the fact that the racing bike had very thin wheels which had virtually cut the little blighter in two. Suffice to say it wasn't very Steve McQueen.