NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 131: "FUCK OFF - ELSE WE'RE CALLING THE POLICE"
This Week:
* QUIZ - Cheese or Postbox?
* VIDEO - Bukkake song
* B3TA RADIO - Your celebrity insults
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
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B3ta email 131 - 16 Aug 2004
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue131/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Cheese, Bukkake, Eggs, Toilets & Robots
>> Cheese or Postbox? <<
"I've always confused postboxes and cheese,"
confesses One, "So I made this - based upon
Rob's Female or Shemale game." Blimey. We
didn't want to like this - we thought
"Who are they to bring mockery to our finely
wrought quizzes?" But it's so stupid that
we couldn't help but laugh.
http://www.users.globalnet.co.uk/~pennck/pboc/#
>> Bukkake Video <<
"I was reading the b3ta board," writes your
ginger overlord Rob Manuel, "and saw that
the very talented DogHorse had written a
song about the traditional Japanese art of
Bukkake. I liked it so much that I TYPED
IN CAPS FOR 15 MINUTES and then made a
flash video so that more people could hear
it." Yay. The track is fantastic and the
video is surprisingly work-safe. You'll be
singing it under your breath in meetings
for weeks - er... we were. Oops.
http://www2.b3ta.com/bukkake/
>> Massive, home-made Creme Egg <<
"I missed getting this done in time," sobs
GigerPunk, "as I was still about halfway
through when you sent last week's newsletter
out." Ah no worries. Sod topicality - we're
sticking this in because your creation
looks so bloody disgusting - we salute you
and your nasty egg.
http://eggy.ukgeeks.co.uk/c151421.html
>> Virtual toilet <<
"I've made an animation," hisses Monkeon,
"it's about a virtual toilet." Featuring the
most joyous crocodile we've ever seen and
a good pay off - the boy has done good.
BTW: Someone important should really give
Monkeon a break. His photoshop gags are
without peer on our site. We'd love to
see him get a book deal.
http://www.monkeon.co.uk/vrwc/
>> Robots in love <<
"I," intones Tomsk, "I, have finally made
something new." Woo. Thank fuck for that -
we miss Tomsk's animations and games. His
new one is sweet and charming and has a
great soundtrack.
http://www.mintimperial.com/robots/
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: B3TA RADIO
Insulting Celebrities
This week we've asked you to tell us your
stories about insulting celebrities. Frankly
it's made us feel rather sorry for famous
people and think it's no wonder half of them
end up in such a mess.
Our favourite comes from Supermore who writes,
"Whilst on a piss-up in Romford, we were
delighted to discover the radiant Martine
McCutcheon was out with some friends in the
same club as us. Unbeknownst to the rest of
our group my friend approached her at the bar
and started praising her singing and telling
her how gorgeous she was.
"He then told her what big fans of hers all
his friends were, and how shocked we'd all
be if she came up to say hi and pretended
to know him.
"Well, she's a game girl Martine, because
about half an hour later she popped over to
our table, pointed at my mate, squealed, and
started hugging him like a long lost friend.
"At this point he stood up and said 'Look love,
I've told you a thousand times, fuck off
and leave me alone before I call the police."
The moral of this story is don't ever become
famous - else stuff like this might happen
to you.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/celebrity_insults/
You can tune in to B3ta radio from 4 to 5pm
GMT on Friday on 104.4FM or tune in via the
web by point Winamp or iTunes at this
streaming link:
http://www.resonancefm.com/resonance.m3u
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Electric whisk vs. Pulp Fiction theme <<
Fucking hell. You need to see this video.
Two lads playing the theme tune to Pulp
Fiction using only a guitar and a whisk.
Inspirational and genius. If we worked
in marketing we'd nick it for an advert
for a movie channel. "Passionate about
film?" etc. etc.
http://www.coconut.se/indefinit/kay_o_ulukais_gura...
>> Skateboarding dog <<
Any fool can put a pet on a skateboard and push
it downhill, but Tyson the bulldog loves
skateboarding - and he's good at it too. Check
out the video, if only for the look of
simple-minded delight on his doggy face as
he goes whizzing past the camera.
http://www.skateboardingbulldog.com/picsandmovies....
>> Ubiquitous baby <<
A simple, charming idea - take photos of
celebs holding your smiling baby. The
end result is a collection of cute celebrity
pictures, along with the mystery of exactly
whose baby Jeremy is... His proud daddy is
always behind the camera, although there are
tantalising hints in the gallery captions.
http://whoisthatwithjeremy.com/_wsn/page2.html
>> Geiger counter watch <<
Ever since we first played with a Geiger
counter in school physics lessons we've
dreamed of the day we could own one in wristwatch
form. It would be fantastic device for making
yourself utterly paranoid. "I'm not visiting
you, Mum. The background radiation is too high."
Finally our dreams have come true. Actually,
we might just stick an egg box to our
wrist and make clicking noises. That would
convince our mum. She's not too teched up.
http://www.polismart.com/model1.htm
>> Satanic voices from the bowels of hell <<
"I was watching Newsround today," rasps
MillywiggZ, "Yes I know it's shit but it's
the only thing on before Neighbours. They
were yapping about something called circuit
bending. It's about creating fucked-up
tunes by modifying old toys." Woo. We like
the "V-tech Demonic Chit-Chat" mp3 best.
It's like the Goat of Mendes humping a
Sinclair Spectrum.
http://www.circuitbenders.co.uk/
>> Did TV predict 9/11? <<
Well, probably not. But then again...
The plot of this X-Files spin-off, screened
in March 2001, centres around terrorists
attempting to fly an airliner into the World
Trade Centre. Not to spoil the plot for you,
but if only the Lone Gunmen had been around
on the actual day...
http://snipurl.com/5qyw
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Mini Sheep
In our great voyage to catalogue the cutest
things in the world we've made a discovery:
dwarf animals are wonderful.
Last week we brought you tiny horses and this
week we've found miniature sheep. The
expression on the face of the second animal
would probably make even Victoria Beckham
smile.
BTW: If you're an amateur genetic engineer,
we'd really like to see midget giraffes.
Actually - that's a great idea for a website.
Imagine a version of b3ta run by out of
work geneticists. Please - someone - make
this happen.
http://www.agrisupportonline.com/minisheep.htm
BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
the web recently? Tell us at http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
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: BIT TORRENT TV
What we've been watching this week
Bit Torrent rocks. Since Kazaa has gone down
to shit it's the best way of downloading
telly programs onto your computer for watching
at your own leisure.
To download stuff you need to install a client.
There are many many, but for PCs we prefer ABC.
http://pingpong-abc.sourceforge.net/download.html
>> Millennium <<
Chris Carter - the creator of X-Files - put
together Millennium in the late 90s. It's
almost a period piece now, where you can wallow
in the nostalgia that Nostradamus's predictions
will come true. Odd to think the Y2K bug was
to the 90s what the Cold War was to the 50s.
Anyway, this site has been releasing one
episode per day for the last two weeks. That
should fill up some time between wanking and
eating pizza.
http://www.torrentz.com
>> Angel <<
Pity us Whedon fans. First Firefly cancelled,
then Buffy pulled and now Angel. Arses. Oh well,
we've got five more episodes of Angel before the
big bad closes the show for good. BTW: What is
it with TV networks cancelling genre fiction
in favour of reality shows? The rather promising
Wonderfalls lasted only a derisory 4 episodes.
Bah. We think production companies should
bypass the TV networks and create a new
Hollywood, based on DVD or possibly web
distribution.
http://www.torrents.co.uk/
>> Blake's 7 <<
We've always ignored Blake's 7, assuming it
was a load of campy old crap from the 70s
with wobbly sets. Noticed it on a torrent
the other day and thought what the heck.
Gosh. It's both compelling and bleak. The
first episode features the hero being smeared
with paedophile allegations. Two episodes are
available via Suprnova, but to be honest we
need to see the rest of it now. We're thinking
of buying the DVDs. Maybe.
http://www.suprnova.org/
BTW: We've got a theory that the most
interesting TV is currently being made in
Russia. If you've got a working torrents
to stuff that'll make us gasp with disbelief
then get in touch.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Pointless DVD Extras Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted extra features on DVDs:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/dvdextras/
We asked B3ta boarder 'jinxx' to judge the
entries - here are his 3 faves.
Jinxx writes -
#1 "Groundhog Day Uncut Collectors Edition - I
guffawed heartily when I saw this, it had to
have the top spot simply because I needed a
cup of tea to calm myself. (CMU)
http://b3ta.com/board/3022897
#2 "CG On/Off - Star Wars is rubbish, but we seem
to watch it anyway - I think I'd watch more of
it if there was an option like this. (monkeon)
http://b3ta.com/board/3036442
#3 "Blessed Scene Selector - Probably the best
scene selection menu in the history of time, a
fine tribute to one of the best actors Blighty
has ever produced. DIIIIIVEEEE!" (Thor_sonofodin)
http://b3ta.com/board/3041727
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, B3ta contributor Pollollups gave us
the suggestion, "Secret Government Departments"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/secretgovernmentdepartme...
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* TESCO SUPER-HERO - "My girlfriend invited me
to a fancy dress party," boasts James, "The
theme was super-heroes and villains. Inspired
by the B3ta competition a few months back I
had no choice but to go as Tesco Value Man."
James. We dare you to go shopping like that.
http://www.radioprune.com/modules.php
* MATCHSTICK ROCKETS - "I used to do that when
I was a kid," squeaks MrMoose on reading
last week's newsletter, "but instead of just
one boring old matchstick, insert several
into a cork, cover them each in foil and throw
into the fireplace. Then you won't know where
they're going to go! And it makes nice
smoke-trails too if you turn the lights off."
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* HUMAN CATAPULTS - bungee jumping is so
Pepsi Max 1990.
* POWERPOINT DAD - a series of skits on the
corporate father who uses glossy presentational
software to explain why it's time for bed
to his kids.
* ANAL SWORD SWALLOWERS - we'd be impressed
anyway. Maybe some bum fire eating as an
encore.
Send contributions to http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Links sent in by Rob Parker, Friendlygiant101
and Harkins.
Top Tippery by Mr Jada.
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Image challenge handled by Mike Trinder.
Proofing by the bonkers b4ta conkers. (74950)
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TOP TIP:
If you get a bit of metal or something sharp
stuck in your eye, get a friend to lick it out.
The object will stick to their tongue and not
get painfully pushed into your eye, like it
would if you used your finger.
