NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 183: "GUINNESS LOLLIES - YAY!"
This Week:
* BOOZE - Guinness lollies
* ANIM - Toilet Paper Man
* HOW TO - be immensely strong
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 183 - 27 May 2005
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue183/
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: ADVERT
The I.T. Files
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your company revealed: A series of webcam
reports featuring the everyday story of Mike
the new Head of IT, as he struggles with the
trials and tribulations of dealing with the
technically illiterate."
http://www.intel.co.uk/itfiles
>> Advertise in B3ta <<
Want to buy this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Guinness pops and bog roll
>> Guinness ice-lollies <<
"After reading last week's newsletter,"
LimeyGooseLucas informs us, "I have taken it upon
myself to make a Guinness ice lolly with frothy
head and do a webpage/tutorial about it." Woo.
Woo. Woo. This has turned out better than even
we could have thought it would. It needs to
be in the shops now!
http://www.lucaswolfen.co.uk/
>> Toilet paper man <<
Three facts about toilet paper. One: When
visiting a girlfriend's parents' house it's
politic to lay a bed of bog roll in the
pan to catch the log and quieten the splash.
Two: 90% of men spit on the paper for the
final wipe. Three: Spraying Haze air-freshener
on the tissue until it's wet, dropping it in
the bowl and lighting it is fun - you'll get
a powerful blaze but the water will quickly
put it out. But enough facts, enjoy instead
Andy Cusack's new superhero, it raised a few
titters in B3ta Towers.
http://www.andycusack.com/Flash/tpman.html
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Meet the Parents
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and
lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we asked what happened when you first
met your other half's parents:
http://b3ta.com/questions/meettheparents/
#1 If only I'd forgotten the punchline...
"The first time I met my g/f's parents, we
had a cracking piss up, got absolutely ratted
then started telling jokes. They were getting
progressively nearer the knuckle so I thought
it safe to tell her Dad my favourite ("Did
you hear the one about the SS Commandant?"
then as they say "no" you slap them around
the head and shout "LIAR" in your best Jerry
accent). Firstly I knocked her Dad off his
seat, secondly I had completely forgotten
that they were Jewish. I've not been invited
round since." (ray bentos)
#2 Keeping it in the family
"Just after my post-coming-out 'shag anything
that moves' phase, I started seeing this lad
fairly regularly. His parents were both fine
with this. Meeting his mum was lovely, we
chatted for ages about this and that. "X's
dad will be in in a minute, he's just unpacking
the car." So he walks in, and fumbles the
camping stuff he's loaded with. It did look
awkward to carry, but it might have been more
to do with the fact I'd shagged him about 3
months previously after chatting to him for
all of 5 minutes on gaydar... and he was
waaaay dirtier than his son." (jeed)
#3 Timing
"Walking down the street, we were confronted
by a very drunk, very loud and sweary Irishman
staggering towards us on the other side of
the road. Thinking I was being very clever
and most amusing I say to her, 'That's your
Dad, that is.' It was." (FatherJack)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like your 'onosecond' stories. Tell us
about the inappropriate things you've emailed
and texted here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/onoseconds/
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: SITES IN BRIEF #1
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> How to do strongman stunts <<
This is great - an old book from the 50s that
tells you how to fake amazing strength to
appear "more masculine and virile." Funny stuff,
but at the same time we got to thinking "cool,
now we can go out and impress people with our
super-strength." We really want some of you
lot to try these out and tell us how you got on.
http://snipurl.com/f320
>> Cybernetic parrot sausage <<
Peculiar Frenchman decides to make a
talking robot by putting circuitry and
speakers into a piece of meat and show.
you how to do it too. Worth it, if only
for his droll, Frenchman's delivery.
http://www.zprod.org/zLab/sausageMov.html
>> Crow and cat <<
It'll end in tears, surely? Watch in amazement
the story of the poor sickly little kitten and
the kindly crow who adopted him. Just looking
at the way the cat is playing with his adoptive
parent you can see the way this is going to end
unhappily. Better make sure you keep that child
well-fed, mister crow, is all we're saying.
http://snipurl.com/impendingtragedy
>> Cool Chicago crime map <<
Going to Chicago? Need a dealer? Or do you just
want to see how many crimes were committed in
animal hospitals? This is Google Maps for crime
in the Windy City and handy flags on the map
show exactly where and just what was committed.
http://www.chicagocrime.org/map/
>> Radio-tracking pants <<
A few trust issues? But your girlfriend
refuses to wear that radio collar? Why not
just get her to wear these advanced underoos,
which will track her exact location and,
optionally, her body temperature too? Or,
why not, for just a little more money, get
yourself some nice calming counselling?
http://forgetmenotpanties.contagiousmedia.org/inde...
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Rob and Lucy produce son
Maybe we're biased, but this here is Angus Manuel,
born just a few hours ago. Congratulations due
to ginger fuhrer Rob Manuel and the lovely Lucy
Reese... Here are some photos:
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4695858
BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
the web recently? Tell us.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
Star Wars and JFK
>> Obligatory Star Wars item <<
"I've done a short animation to celebrate
the release of the last good Star Wars film.
22 years ago," writes Dan. "It was supposed to
be a Jedi recruitment video, but I got kind
of sidetracked by the Wizard of Oz." Woo.
Star Wars fans click this, non-fans should
roll on to the next bit.
http://jedi.stodge.org/
>> Feline JFK <<
"I have made a wee conspiracy fillum
involving cats," mumbles mistermunro.
"You might find it tickles your
tastebuds." Indeed it does, sir. We love
the visuals.
http://www.mistermunro.co.uk/cats/catfilm.htm
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: SHITTING MILK
...if it isn't that funny names corner again.
* MUFF DIVING - A scuba club situated in
Muff, Barbados of course.
http://snipurl.com/f6qd
* JOHN MINGERS - Professor of Operational
Research at the University of Kent.
http://www.kent.ac.uk/kbs/staff-information/jm204....
* WELCOME BENDER - Professor of Biological
Chemistry and Molecular Pharmacology. There
seem to be a lot of funny names in academia.
Perhaps it's a stipulation at some places.
http://snipurl.com/f6qe
* VAG POWER - Car performance products with
a clear feminist agenda.
http://www.vagpower.co.uk/
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: SITES IN BRIEF #2
More stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Crying while eating <<
It doesn't sound like an instant winner,
but it grows on you. Complete with videos
of people interrupting their heartfelt
sobbing in order to stuff another cream
cake in their gobs.
http://cryingwhileeating.com/
>> 500 hours in MSPaint <<
Everyone's been bored at work and messed
around on the shit, free paint program
that comes with Windows. Maybe you drew a
cock. We did. You can barely imagine how
dull Diamonster's job must be. It's easy
to see how this finely-detailed Venetian
scene took up the equivalent of 12 and a
half working weeks to complete.
http://www.deviantart.com/view/17908194/
>> New Star Wars film in-joke <<
If you haven't seen the new Star Wars film,
this won't be funny. Suffice to say there is
a moment of the most extraordinary Shatnerian
pomposity. This little track samples that line
then bungs it on the top of Liam Lynch's
'United States of Whatever'. Poor old Darth.
Looks like everything gets on top of him a bit.
http://www.ytmnd.com/site_data/63000/63710/sound.m...
>> Lionel Ritchie's Hello vid <<
Probably the very finest accompaniment to
a pop song ever. Who can forget the former
Commodore's touching performance as a man
obsessed with his blind student. It's worth
sticking with to the final denouement
when Lionel's lady love rewards him with
a lumpen clay Ritchie-head.
http://www.stereogum.com/archives/001195.html
>> Cock-bubble toy <<
There's something peculiarly dodgy about
this so-called Aquapet brought back as
a b3tard souvenir from the States. The
shape and the... the colour. And it's a
little baby suspended in fluid... What
were they thinking of?
http://myaquapet.com/toys/squirt.php
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Sony PlayStation Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we teamed up with Sony to get you
to make images about freedom:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/sonyplaystationfreedom/
Sony judged the entries and found this
lot to their satisfaction:
Sony Corporate Monkey writes -
#1 "Look at his little face! Who needs a
PlayStation when you have a yellow
plane and a hamster. A worthy winner
of a PS2. (TheGoat)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4672296
#2 "Getting out of the house for the Summer
has never looked so apt, moves pretty
quickly for a wrinkly too. (ZakMcFlimby)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4677804
#3 "Biro art mash - we're huge fans of
NobbyNobody's biro drawings. We salute
his surely RSI-ridden wrists" (NobbyNobody)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4678348
"Oh, and as everyone who judges the challenges
always seems to break the rules and award
four winners, we had to give Darryn R a prize
for this simple but bloody nice image."
http://www.b3ta.com/board/4677551
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, B3ta contributor Frumbert gave us
the suggestion, "Wonders of the world that didn't
make the top seven"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/wonders/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* COCKS - The Phallic Logo Awards were a great
success (witness we are now number two on Google
for "phallic") and tonnes of people sent in
suggestions for one we'd 'missed out'. Here
are three of the best:
#1 Oboy - Biggest chocolate milk brand in
Scandinavia - logo looks like diseased cock.
Appetizing.
http://www.oboynet.com/
#2 Woodbury City, Minnesota - US city has
radioactive cock as corporate ID.
http://www.surflocal.net/WoodburyMN/woodbury-1.jpg
#3 Doughboy's pizza café - this logo is even
shooting, you know, stuff. Mozzarella.
http://www.doughboyscafe.com/
* VICK'S SINEX IN YOUR EYES - we suggested it,
Vince Noir tried it. "It stings like having
your balls ripped of by a rabid demon squirrel,"
he wails. "It also froths up." Cheers, Vince!
Next week, could someone let us know what
happens if you have a Cillit Bang enema?
* MORE GUINNESS LOLLIES - loads of you wrote
in with your versions of the Guinness ice-lolly.
Here is Richard Ducker with our second favourite
attempt:
http://www.smokestack69.co.uk/guinness/lolly.html
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* URBAN FISHING - Lift a drain cover, and have a
pleasant day out dangling your rod down the
sewers. What can you catch? Send us photos of
you holding your catch above your head like the
proud fisherman you are.
* WEBCAM TOURIST - Go on a world trip, but don't
take your camera - instead save a picture of
yourself using the various webcams at popular
tourist spots. The Eiffel Tower cam, the Empire
State Building cam, the Drive-by-Bronx cam...
Whoever gets a picture of themselves on the
most cams is the winner.
* STANLEY UNWIN TRANSLATOR - Professor Stanley
Unwin was great. He invented his own language,
Unwinese, in which "Goodbye" became "Byelode"
and "Goldylocks" - "Goldyloppers". There's no
web toy allowing sites to be translated into
Unwinese. There should be, for it would bring
deep joy.
http://www.stanleyunwin.com/
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Links sent in by andreas dork.se, roboplege,
jeff spunknation, MrA, MancMonkey, jasper,
Barnaclese, frambooz, fred.fenster, Daveybaby,
Equalizor, droogie, manwithunderpantsonhead,
Badassmofucar, proudclod and the enigmatic
but lovely (unknown sender)
Additional Guinness technicians: Wipey,
Jack-e-oh and MadVicar
Top Tippery by Robert Tinsley
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
Proofing by the beneficent b4ta brownies. (102554)
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TOP TIP:
Too much head on your pint? Simply rub your
finger along the side of your nose then dip
it in your beer and marvel as the foam
disappears. This is because of nose oil.
