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This Week:
* BOOZE - Guinness lollies
* ANIM - Toilet Paper Man
* HOW TO - be immensely strong

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 183 - 27 May 2005

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  The I.T. Files

  "The hard-working and mysterious backbone of
  your company revealed: A series of webcam
  reports featuring the everyday story of Mike
  the new Head of IT, as he struggles with the
  trials and tribulations of dealing with the
  technically illiterate."

  >> Advertise in B3ta <<
  Want to buy this space? Then talk to us.


  Guinness pops and bog roll

  >> Guinness ice-lollies <<
  "After reading last week's newsletter,"
  LimeyGooseLucas informs us, "I have taken it upon
  myself to make a Guinness ice lolly with frothy
  head and do a webpage/tutorial about it." Woo.
  Woo. Woo. This has turned out better than even
  we could have thought it would. It needs to
  be in the shops now!

  >> Toilet paper man <<
  Three facts about toilet paper. One: When
  visiting a girlfriend's parents' house it's
  politic to lay a bed of bog roll in the
  pan to catch the log and quieten the splash.
  Two: 90% of men spit on the paper for the
  final wipe. Three: Spraying Haze air-freshener
  on the tissue until it's wet, dropping it in
  the bowl and lighting it is fun - you'll get
  a powerful blaze but the water will quickly
  put it out. But enough facts, enjoy instead
  Andy Cusack's new superhero, it raised a few
  titters in B3ta Towers.


  Meet the Parents

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and
  lies into one handy place on the interweb.
  Last week we asked what happened when you first
  met your other half's parents:

  #1 If only I'd forgotten the punchline...
     "The first time I met my g/f's parents, we
     had a cracking piss up, got absolutely ratted
     then started telling jokes. They were getting
     progressively nearer the knuckle so I thought
     it safe to tell her Dad my favourite ("Did
     you hear the one about the SS Commandant?"
     then as they say "no" you slap them around
     the head and shout "LIAR" in your best Jerry
     accent). Firstly I knocked her Dad off his
     seat, secondly I had completely forgotten
     that they were Jewish. I've not been invited
     round since." (ray bentos)

  #2 Keeping it in the family
     "Just after my post-coming-out 'shag anything
     that moves' phase, I started seeing this lad
     fairly regularly. His parents were both fine
     with this. Meeting his mum was lovely, we
     chatted for ages about this and that. "X's
     dad will be in in a minute, he's just unpacking
     the car." So he walks in, and fumbles the
     camping stuff he's loaded with. It did look
     awkward to carry, but it might have been more
     to do with the fact I'd shagged him about 3
     months previously after chatting to him for
     all of 5 minutes on gaydar... and he was
     waaaay dirtier than his son." (jeed)
  #3 Timing
     "Walking down the street, we were confronted
     by a very drunk, very loud and sweary Irishman
     staggering towards us on the other side of
     the road. Thinking I was being very clever
     and most amusing I say to her, 'That's your
     Dad, that is.' It was." (FatherJack)

  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like your 'onosecond' stories. Tell us
  about the inappropriate things you've emailed
  and texted here:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> How to do strongman stunts <<
  This is great - an old book from the 50s that
  tells you how to fake amazing strength to
  appear "more masculine and virile." Funny stuff,
  but at the same time we got to thinking "cool,
  now we can go out and impress people with our
  super-strength." We really want some of you
  lot to try these out and tell us how you got on.

  >> Cybernetic parrot sausage <<
  Peculiar Frenchman decides to make a
  talking robot by putting circuitry and
  speakers into a piece of meat and show.
  you how to do it too. Worth it, if only
  for his droll, Frenchman's delivery.

  >> Crow and cat <<
  It'll end in tears, surely? Watch in amazement
  the story of the poor sickly little kitten and
  the kindly crow who adopted him. Just looking
  at the way the cat is playing with his adoptive
  parent you can see the way this is going to end
  unhappily. Better make sure you keep that child
  well-fed, mister crow, is all we're saying.

  >> Cool Chicago crime map <<
  Going to Chicago? Need a dealer? Or do you just
  want to see how many crimes were committed in
  animal hospitals? This is Google Maps for crime
  in the Windy City and handy flags on the map
  show exactly where and just what was committed.

  >> Radio-tracking pants <<
  A few trust issues? But your girlfriend
  refuses to wear that radio collar? Why not
  just get her to wear these advanced underoos,
  which will track her exact location and,
  optionally, her body temperature too? Or,
  why not, for just a little more money, get
  yourself some nice calming counselling?


  Rob and Lucy produce son

  Maybe we're biased, but this here is Angus Manuel,
  born just a few hours ago. Congratulations due
  to ginger fuhrer Rob Manuel and the lovely Lucy
  Reese... Here are some photos:

  BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
  the web recently? Tell us.


  Star Wars and JFK

  >> Obligatory Star Wars item <<
  "I've done a short animation to celebrate
  the release of the last good Star Wars film.
  22 years ago," writes Dan. "It was supposed to
  be a Jedi recruitment video, but I got kind
  of sidetracked by the Wizard of Oz." Woo.
  Star Wars fans click this, non-fans should
  roll on to the next bit.

  >> Feline JFK <<
  "I have made a wee conspiracy fillum
  involving cats," mumbles mistermunro.
  "You might find it tickles your
  tastebuds." Indeed it does, sir. We love
  the visuals.


  ...if it isn't that funny names corner again.

  * MUFF DIVING - A scuba club situated in
    Muff, Barbados of course.

  * JOHN MINGERS - Professor of Operational
    Research at the University of Kent.

  * WELCOME BENDER - Professor of Biological
    Chemistry and Molecular Pharmacology. There
    seem to be a lot of funny names in academia.
    Perhaps it's a stipulation at some places.

  * VAG POWER - Car performance products with
    a clear feminist agenda.


  More stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Crying while eating <<
  It doesn't sound like an instant winner,
  but it grows on you. Complete with videos
  of people interrupting their heartfelt
  sobbing in order to stuff another cream
  cake in their gobs.

  >> 500 hours in MSPaint <<
  Everyone's been bored at work and messed
  around on the shit, free paint program
  that comes with Windows. Maybe you drew a
  cock. We did. You can barely imagine how
  dull Diamonster's job must be. It's easy
  to see how this finely-detailed Venetian
  scene took up the equivalent of 12 and a
  half working weeks to complete.

  >> New Star Wars film in-joke <<
  If you haven't seen the new Star Wars film,
  this won't be funny. Suffice to say there is
  a moment of the most extraordinary Shatnerian
  pomposity. This little track samples that line
  then bungs it on the top of Liam Lynch's
  'United States of Whatever'. Poor old Darth.
  Looks like everything gets on top of him a bit.

  >> Lionel Ritchie's Hello vid <<
  Probably the very finest accompaniment to
  a pop song ever. Who can forget the former
  Commodore's touching performance as a man
  obsessed with his blind student. It's worth
  sticking with to the final denouement
  when Lionel's lady love rewards him with
  a lumpen clay Ritchie-head.

  >> Cock-bubble toy <<
  There's something peculiarly dodgy about
  this so-called Aquapet brought back as
  a b3tard souvenir from the States. The
  shape and the... the colour. And it's a
  little baby suspended in fluid... What
  were they thinking of?


   Results from the Sony PlayStation Challenge

   Each week we run a competition to test your
   creative skills. We set a challenge and you
   open Photoshop and mess with our heads.

   Last week we teamed up with Sony to get you
   to make images about freedom:

   Sony judged the entries and found this
   lot to their satisfaction:

   Sony Corporate Monkey writes -

   #1 "Look at his little face! Who needs a
      PlayStation when you have a yellow
      plane and a hamster. A worthy winner
      of a PS2. (TheGoat)

   #2 "Getting out of the house for the Summer
      has never looked so apt, moves pretty
      quickly for a wrinkly too. (ZakMcFlimby)

   #3 "Biro art mash - we're huge fans of
      NobbyNobody's biro drawings. We salute
      his surely RSI-ridden wrists" (NobbyNobody)

   "Oh, and as everyone who judges the challenges
   always seems to break the rules and award
   four winners, we had to give Darryn R a prize
   for this simple but bloody nice image."

  >> This Week's Challenge <<

  This week, B3ta contributor Frumbert gave us
  the suggestion, "Wonders of the world that didn't
  make the top seven"



  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * COCKS - The Phallic Logo Awards were a great
    success (witness we are now number two on Google
    for "phallic") and tonnes of people sent in
    suggestions for one we'd 'missed out'. Here
    are three of the best:

    #1 Oboy - Biggest chocolate milk brand in
       Scandinavia - logo looks like diseased cock.

    #2 Woodbury City, Minnesota - US city has
       radioactive cock as corporate ID.

    #3 Doughboy's pizza café - this logo is even
       shooting, you know, stuff. Mozzarella.

  * VICK'S SINEX IN YOUR EYES - we suggested it,
    Vince Noir tried it. "It stings like having
    your balls ripped of by a rabid demon squirrel,"
    he wails. "It also froths up." Cheers, Vince!
    Next week, could someone let us know what
    happens if you have a Cillit Bang enema?

  * MORE GUINNESS LOLLIES - loads of you wrote
    in with your versions of the Guinness ice-lolly.
    Here is Richard Ducker with our second favourite



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * URBAN FISHING - Lift a drain cover, and have a
    pleasant day out dangling your rod down the
    sewers.  What can you catch? Send us photos of
    you holding your catch above your head like the
    proud fisherman you are.

  * WEBCAM TOURIST - Go on a world trip, but don't
    take your camera - instead save a picture of
    yourself using the various webcams at popular
    tourist spots. The Eiffel Tower cam, the Empire
    State Building cam, the Drive-by-Bronx cam...
    Whoever gets a picture of themselves on the
    most cams is the winner.

  * STANLEY UNWIN TRANSLATOR - Professor Stanley
    Unwin was great. He invented his own language,
    Unwinese, in which "Goodbye" became "Byelode"
    and "Goldylocks" - "Goldyloppers". There's no
    web toy allowing sites to be translated into
    Unwinese. There should be, for it would bring
    deep joy.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]



  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson.
  Links sent in by andreas dork.se, roboplege,
  jeff spunknation, MrA, MancMonkey, jasper,
  Barnaclese, frambooz, fred.fenster, Daveybaby,
  Equalizor, droogie, manwithunderpantsonhead,
  Badassmofucar, proudclod and the enigmatic
  but lovely (unknown sender)
  Additional Guinness technicians: Wipey,
  Jack-e-oh and MadVicar
  Top Tippery by Robert Tinsley
  Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Image challenge handled by Mystery Bob.
  Proofing by the beneficent b4ta brownies. (102554)

  Too much head on your pint? Simply rub your
  finger along the side of your nose then dip
  it in your beer and marvel as the foam
  disappears. This is because of nose oil.

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