NEWSLETTER: "THIS SUBJECT LINE HAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH THE CONTENT"
This Week:
* SEAN CONNERY - Shit v/o shock
* GAME - Qwerty Dance Dance Revolution
* JOKES - Introducing the Sickipedia
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 227 - 05 May 2006
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue227/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Bingo!
That young sexy Barry's disco dancing around
his bedroom in his pants again. And what's
more he just can't stop playing with his balls!
Eyes down for a quick look ladies. This is
definitely one to share with the girlies. Click
here to go to direct Barry's room.
http://www.butlinsbingo-competition.com/
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Motorhead, Finger game, & Sickipedia
>> Finger Fandango <<
Think you're pretty hot stuff with the touch
typing? Have a bash at Steff's Finger Fandango.
Essentially the same deal as DDR - hit the
right key on the keyboard at the right time and
get the right result.
http://www.h4sh.com/FingerFandango
>> Sickipedia <<
Currently in the process of putting the Sick Joke
Book together, your ginger fuhrer had a thought,
"If anyone actually buys this book, then I'll probably
get crap jokes sent to me until the day I die. Er..
Maybe I should set up a website where people can submit
material without it having to go through my inbox?
A wiki, like Wikpedia should do it, wiki... sicki...
SICKIPEDIA!" BTW: This might get vandalised to
fuck and will undoubtedly become chock full of
quite dodgy material, so be warned: there be
dragons here.
http://www.sickipedia.org
>> The Finnish Motorhead <<
It's a little-known fact that Ace of Spades
rock-smiths Motorhead enjoyed the height of
1970s fame in the Scandinavian countries,
inspiring a host of cardigan-clad imitators.
Okay, that's a lie - this is the result of a
swift bit of editing by Gilgamesh. "My excuse
is that there was nothing on telly and I was
waiting for the Chinese takeaway to deliver."
Forgiven.
http://b3ta.com/links/9102
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: CONVERSATION STARTERS
Stuff to talk about in the pub
* Type fuckwit into Google and see what comes up.
* A TV remake of the 1967 series The Prisoner
is currently being produced for Sky, starring
ex-Dr. Who Chris Ecclestone.
* In Florida the police refer to ID cards as
'Flids', short for FLorida ID card.
* Two leading debt charities are calling for
Carol Vorderman to stop appearing in Firstplus
'consolidate your debts' ads.
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Crap Meals Out
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
Last week we wanted your stories of rubbish
meals out. A surprisingly large number of them
involved that French crime-against-sausages
andouillette. We've picked out three stories
that mercifully remain poo-sausage free.
http://b3ta.com/questions/crapmealsout/
* Have you been to an inferno before?
"So, I took the wife to a Harvester. I was
on a budget, OK? The World Turned Upside Down
in Reading didn't do itself any favours by
being directly downwind from the sewage works,
but as long as they keep the windows closed,
you're fine. Any road up, we got our starters
(mmmm... Prawn Cocktail, I literally oozed
class in those days), and waited for our main
meals. And waited. And waited. And waited.
Two hours later, the fire brigade asked the
manager - within very shouty earshot - why
there were still customers in the building,
seeing as how the kitchen was a raging
inferno and "the whole fucking place is about
to go up". "We didn't want to disturb their
night out," he replied. Result: Free meals in
any Harvester for a year. I'm a sucker for
punishment." (Scaryduck)
* In defence of Las Vegas
"I am astonished by all the negative comments
about Las Vegas buffets. I never found another
place in the world where I could have my
breakfast, lunch, dinner, dessert and
condiments all piled up on one plate until
I visited the Fat Duck restaurant. And all you
can eat for $20. Take note, Mr Blumenthal!"
(browser)
* Revenge is sweet
"Picture the scene... an overpriced, bland
meal, grumpy mare of a waitress and finally
I make it through to the dessert. I ordered
the Sticky Toffee Pudding and what arrives?
Naturally, one of Brake Brothers' finest. I
mean, if they're only charging you six quid
a portion for dessert, should they really
bother making it themselves when they can
just buy it in? Still, it was a bit cold, so
I sent it back. Microwaves are marvelous
things. I could hear the shouting in the
kitchen from halfway across the restaurant.
Perhaps I should have told them about the
three 2p coins I'd pushed inside the pudding?"
(The Rabid Badger of Doom)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like to you to tell us about what happened
when you ignored the instructions. Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/ignoringinstructions/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Hello Kitty toaster <<
Is there nothing the marketing borg of Hello
Kitty will not turn its paw to? Here's a
toaster that prints their logo on your morning
toast, so your bread tastes of kittens. Frankly,
we wish that we could get our arse into gear so
we could market B3ta logo toast.
http://snipurl.com/hktoast
>> Posh case-mods <<
A brief history lesson in computer cases:
1980 - > 1997: Grey plastic
1998 - > 2002: Blueberry transparent plastic
2002 -> 2006: Brushed metal
2007: Wood.
http://www.ecogeek.org/content/view/62/1/
>> Girls & Corpses magazine <<
In the UK we have a magazine called Bizarre
which features naked girls and photos of dead
people. We think they'd sell a lot more copies
with a re-branding.
http://www.girlsandcorpses.com/
>> 'What is love?' collection <<
Old but gold - a rather lovely sequence of
animated head-nodding to the plaintive strains
of Haddaway's finest. It's inspired by cult
classic 'Night at the Roxbury', but it gets pretty
inventive.
http://www.funny-base.com/cartoons/love.swf
>> Sean Connery voice-over shame <<
Looks like ex-007 Connery's career has really
hit the skids. Check out his efforts to flog
you a German Shepherd dog. Well, okay, so it's
just a soundalike, but the question remains...
why?
http://www.bozeta.co.uk/
>> Dragon bag <<
This natty little number would certainly get
you some admiring glances around Rock City of
a Friday night. Hmm. Or get you a beating.
It's hard to say, but a gigantic backpack
shaped like a rampant heraldic beast tends
to provoke a reaction. Oh, and your mobile
can go in its mouth!
http://necromanc.blogspot.com/2006/04/leather-bag-...
>> Trippy perspective thingy <<
A big explanation of why everything you know
about perspective is wrong wrong wrong. We didn't
understand the maths involved, but the
accompanying illustrations are strangely
fascinating. We had to be hit with a stick to
make him look away.
http://www.treeshark.com/Persptut.html
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Cuteness inbox splurge
It's been a busy week for the squirrel-wranglers
over at puny sister site Things That Make You Go
Ahh. "We just spent the last few hours whittling
down the hundreds of new photo submissions to just
four pictures of exquisite cuteness." Ah, it's
a tough life those boys have and no mistake.
http://www.thingsthatmakeyougoaahh.com/2006/05/inb...
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: KNOWNING MARKETING CORNER
Official Meetings Facilities Guide
Delightfully, the acronym of this magazine's
name (OMFG) adds a tone of shock and indignation
to every cover story. OMFG! Facilities! Bah!
http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1547/1006/320/o...
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: VIDEO CUNT WHAKCS
aka Video Schmideo fka YouTube bollocks
>> Hard Rock Hallelujah <<
In a case of "too much Vodka and not enough
sunlight," Finland has decided that its best
Eurovision hopes lie with slightly-insane metal
band Lordi. Yes, it's kind of crap but funny and
everybody's having a good time. This may be the
only Eurovision entry this year to feature a
zombie rampage. Which should win ten bonus points.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Boris Johnson vicious tackle <<
Popular at the moment is this footage of b3ta's
favourite Tory taking out his opposite number at
a charity soccer match with an absolutely eye
watering rugby tackle. Not a foul though and,
according to the stocky politician himself,
"I was going for the ball with my head, which
I understand is a legitimate move in soccer."
http://b3ta.com/links/9613
>> Beatbox nutter <<
Slightly frightening range of mouth-based beats
from a wild-haired lad named Lasse. The best
thing, as with all beatboxing, is the expression
on his face as he does his thing.
http://b3ta.com/links/9301
>> Body floss <<
The mission: to swallow a bobbin of dental
floss and tie one end to a tooth. So there's
dental floss running all the way through this
bold but somewhat foolhardy experimenter. Can
he succeed? Does he die? Find out here:
http://www.bulletinboardforum.com/movies/dental_fl...
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
Pet quiz, Odd comic, & Furher blog
>> Animal filmstar quiz <<
"For some reason it always amuses me when
animals are credited with their own name on
TV shows," roars a resurgent Monkeon. It's
inspired his new game, where you have to
identify the animal who really starred in
the role. Impossible in some cases, wildly
easy in others - how will you do?
http://www.monkeon.co.uk/starclaws/
>> Cartoon oddness <<
Ben has dubbed these peculiar creations
"spazzed up cartoons rendered by my own fair
hand," and that about covers it. Post-modern
life is rubbish:
http://dronecorp.co.uk/PLIR/
>> Fuhrer blog<<
A very nice lady called Christie Manuel recently
got in touch with your Ginger Fuhrer and said,
"I own Robmanuel.com and I don't need it anymore.
Would you like it?" Well the answer was obviously
yes, but the question was really what to do with
it? After rejecting ideas of sticking up
photoshopped pictures of gingers with suspicious
mustaches the simplest answer would seem to write
a blog. Yes, a fucking blog. How 2002. This week
it's about using a Mac, next week it'll probably
be descriptions of lunch and links to subservient
chicken.
http://www.robmanuel.com/2006/05/02/mac-switch-mac...
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Alternative Energy Challenge
Last week we wanted to know how the world
could be saved using alternative energy
sources.
Our favourites included:
* ZOMBIE POWER - genuine innovation here, as
the undead provide an alternative means of
power. (mr wheatley)
* FAIRY LIQUID - who knew that such a common
household cleaner could be used to such
devastating (yet detrimental) effect?
(monkeon)
* LOVE - everyone's favourite four-letter word,
harnessed for the good of the planet.
(eclechtech)
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/energy/
>> New challenge: Where Lost Things Go <<
Socks. Spoons. Car keys. You have them, and
then you don't. What is that about? Show us
why stuff goes missing, and what it gets up
to when it's gone.
Challenge suggested by We are the lemon.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/lost/
>> Your challenge ideas <<
We want your image challenge ideas. Then we
want you to vote on the challenges suggested
by other people. It's easy.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* PEPPER SPRAY MAN - apparently, the clip of the
chap getting sprayed with pepper we featured
in last week's newsletter was originally from
some 'cops on the beat' show. The guy was, says
dnb, some sort of low life drug dealer and
deserved what he got. So huzzah!
* FUNNY TRANSLATIONS is gathering a rather
worrying momentum of its own. M M Mulder writes
to say, "hearing a director yell the traditional
'Cut!' is always amusing to me as 'Kut' is the
Dutch equivalent of 'cunt' and a favourite
swearword. On the other hand: 'kunt U ...?' is
Dutch for 'Could you ... ?'" Crazy Dutch...
* JOEL WANTS WHALE-MEAT and a number of people
wrote in to help him out. "Joel could go to
Norway," suggests Asparagus Time. "I recommend
the port of Burgen where I had some tasty whale
steak and you can get a good meal (smoked whale
included) from the free samples at the fish market.
EU laws prohibit the fishing of whales but as
Norway is not a member they can do what the fuck
they like. By the same logic I suppose that the
same would be true of Switzerland but being
landlocked might be a slight problem."
"Over the Easter bank holiday weekend I was in Oslo
for the Inferno festival," chips in Richard Snogger,
"and the food stall at the venue was selling whale
kebabs! It was too good an opportunity to miss and,
ethics aside, it was pretty tasty washed down with
arse-clenchingly expensive lager."
* PIG OLYMPICS - "With regard to your link to
the 'Pig Olympics' last issue you made the
assertion that they had 'missed a trick by not
calling it the Olympigs,'" says Tom Rowberry.
"Perhaps they were fearing litigation from
the makers of this quite charming board game?"
Woo - that looks ace. Wonder if we can wrangle
a free copy?
http://i64.photobucket.com/albums/h191/TommehR/oly...
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: FRIDAY GAME
Two for the price of zero. We spoil you
>> Wanker <<
Keep pumping up a succession of slowly-diminishing
rods or else you die. A challenging wank-action
based game. The tagline, "Flex like a whore,
fall wanking to the floor."
http://homokaasu.org/gasgames/game.gas
>> Four second fury! <<
Not just one game this, but a whole herd of
incredibly simple games. The twist is you have
just four seconds to complete each one. Intense!
http://www.armorgames.com/games/foursecondfury_pop...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* HUMAN FLESH CASE-MODS - if Nazis were L33t,
how would they design their PCs?
* BADGER / APPRENTICE MASH - re-edit Jonti's
Badger song to have Ruth Badger from TVs
The Apprentice squat-thrusting to the lyrics
"Badger Badger Badger Badger You're fired!
You're fired!"
* HOW TO OPEN A BOTTLE FACE OFF - the inbox
has been rumbling with controversy for weeks
on this one, from "Use a door", to "No, use a
rubber band" to this week's "I can't believe I'm
boring enough to send this to you, but I use a
nut cracker." We want a controlled experiment
thingie.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Stuff sent in by Bootbean, TheBoyTucker,
drunken oaf, whoelse, TheCastrator, tor,
Tinfingers, Parkingtigers, hahn, cidman2001
james_doc, FILTHIO, & kingjay (you made it in
dude).
Top Tippery by Twizla
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Word to b4ta. (108682 - 35160)
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TOP TIP:
If you've ever done a bit of DIY then you will
probably have noticed that some paint stinks
(especially the gloss stuff). You can get rid
of that pong by chopping up an onion or two and
leaving it near the smelly wet paint - the two
smells seem to cancel each other out.
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SPONSORED LINK: (bonus kittens)
"Same shit different day? Stop being a wage
slave - do something you love. Chinwag Jobs,
your boss fears us!"
http://jobs.chinwag.com/p/b3ta_may05/
