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This Week:
* SEAN CONNERY - Shit v/o shock
* GAME - Qwerty Dance Dance Revolution
* JOKES - Introducing the Sickipedia

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 227 - 05 May 2006

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  That young sexy Barry's disco dancing around
  his bedroom in his pants again.  And what's
  more he just can't stop playing with his balls!
  Eyes down for a quick look ladies. This is
  definitely one to share with the girlies. Click
  here to go to direct Barry's room.

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Motorhead, Finger game, & Sickipedia 

  >> Finger Fandango <<
  Think you're pretty hot stuff with the touch
  typing? Have a bash at Steff's Finger Fandango.
  Essentially the same deal as DDR - hit the
  right key on the keyboard at the right time and
  get the right result.

  >> Sickipedia <<
  Currently in the process of putting the Sick Joke
  Book together, your ginger fuhrer had a thought,
  "If anyone actually buys this book, then I'll probably
  get crap jokes sent to me until the day I die. Er..
  Maybe I should set up a website where people can submit
  material without it having to go through my inbox?
  A wiki, like Wikpedia should do it, wiki... sicki...
  SICKIPEDIA!" BTW: This might get vandalised to 
  fuck and will undoubtedly become chock full of
  quite dodgy material, so be warned: there be
  dragons here.

  >> The Finnish Motorhead <<
  It's a little-known fact that Ace of Spades
  rock-smiths Motorhead enjoyed the height of
  1970s fame in the Scandinavian countries,
  inspiring a host of cardigan-clad imitators.
  Okay, that's a lie - this is the result of a
  swift bit of editing by Gilgamesh. "My excuse
  is that there was nothing on telly and I was 
  waiting for the Chinese takeaway to deliver."


  Stuff to talk about in the pub
  * Type fuckwit into Google and see what comes up.
  * A TV remake of the 1967 series The Prisoner
    is currently being produced for Sky, starring
    ex-Dr. Who Chris Ecclestone. 

  * In Florida the police refer to ID cards as
    'Flids', short for FLorida ID card.

  * Two leading debt charities are calling for
    Carol Vorderman to stop appearing in Firstplus
    'consolidate your debts' ads.


  Crap Meals Out

  Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
  and lies into one handy place on the interweb.
  Last week we wanted your stories of rubbish
  meals out. A surprisingly large number of them
  involved that French crime-against-sausages
  andouillette. We've picked out three stories
  that mercifully remain poo-sausage free.

  * Have you been to an inferno before?
    "So, I took the wife to a Harvester. I was
    on a budget, OK? The World Turned Upside Down
    in Reading didn't do itself any favours by
    being directly downwind from the sewage works,
    but as long as they keep the windows closed,
    you're fine. Any road up, we got our starters
    (mmmm... Prawn Cocktail, I literally oozed
    class in those days), and waited for our main
    meals. And waited. And waited. And waited.
    Two hours later, the fire brigade asked the
    manager - within very shouty earshot - why
    there were still customers in the building,
    seeing as how the kitchen was a raging
    inferno and "the whole fucking place is about
    to go up". "We didn't want to disturb their
    night out," he replied. Result: Free meals in
    any Harvester for a year. I'm a sucker for
    punishment." (Scaryduck)
  * In defence of Las Vegas
    "I am astonished by all the negative comments
    about Las Vegas buffets. I never found another
    place in the world where I could have my
    breakfast, lunch, dinner, dessert and
    condiments all piled up on one plate until
    I visited the Fat Duck restaurant. And all you
    can eat for $20. Take note, Mr Blumenthal!"

  * Revenge is sweet
    "Picture the scene... an overpriced, bland
    meal, grumpy mare of a waitress and finally
    I make it through to the dessert. I ordered
    the Sticky Toffee Pudding and what arrives?
    Naturally, one of Brake Brothers' finest. I
    mean, if they're only charging you six quid
    a portion for dessert, should they really
    bother making it themselves when they can
    just buy it in? Still, it was a bit cold, so
    I sent it back. Microwaves are marvelous
    things. I could hear the shouting in the
    kitchen from halfway across the restaurant.
    Perhaps I should have told them about the 
    three 2p coins I'd pushed inside the pudding?"
    (The Rabid Badger of Doom)

  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like to you to tell us about what happened
  when you ignored the instructions. Talk to us here:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.

  >> Hello Kitty toaster <<
  Is there nothing the marketing borg of Hello
  Kitty will not turn its paw to? Here's a
  toaster that prints their logo on your morning
  toast, so your bread tastes of kittens. Frankly,
  we wish that we could get our arse into gear so
  we could market B3ta logo toast.

  >> Posh case-mods <<
  A brief history lesson in computer cases:
  1980 - > 1997: Grey plastic
  1998 - > 2002: Blueberry transparent plastic
  2002  -> 2006: Brushed metal
  2007: Wood. 

  >> Girls & Corpses magazine <<
  In the UK we have a magazine called Bizarre
  which features naked girls and photos of dead
  people. We think they'd sell a lot more copies
  with a re-branding.  

  >> 'What is love?' collection <<
  Old but gold - a rather lovely sequence of
  animated head-nodding to the plaintive strains
  of Haddaway's finest. It's inspired by cult
  classic 'Night at the Roxbury', but it gets pretty

  >> Sean Connery voice-over shame <<
  Looks like ex-007 Connery's career has really
  hit the skids. Check out his efforts to flog
  you a German Shepherd dog. Well, okay, so it's
  just a soundalike, but the question remains...

  >> Dragon bag <<
  This natty little number would certainly get
  you some admiring glances around Rock City of
  a Friday night. Hmm. Or get you a beating.
  It's hard to say, but a gigantic backpack
  shaped like a rampant heraldic beast tends
  to provoke a reaction. Oh, and your mobile
  can go in its mouth!

  >> Trippy perspective thingy <<
  A big explanation of why everything you know
  about perspective is wrong wrong wrong. We didn't
  understand the maths involved, but the
  accompanying illustrations are strangely
  fascinating. We had to be hit with a stick to
  make him look away.


  Cuteness inbox splurge

  It's been a busy week for the squirrel-wranglers
  over at puny sister site Things That Make You Go
  Ahh. "We just spent the last few hours whittling
  down the hundreds of new photo submissions to just
  four pictures of exquisite cuteness." Ah, it's
  a tough life those boys have and no mistake.  


  Official Meetings Facilities Guide
  Delightfully, the acronym of this magazine's
  name (OMFG) adds a tone of shock and indignation
  to every cover story. OMFG! Facilities! Bah!


  aka Video Schmideo fka YouTube bollocks

  >> Hard Rock Hallelujah <<
  In a case of "too much Vodka and not enough
  sunlight," Finland has decided that its best
  Eurovision hopes lie with slightly-insane metal
  band Lordi. Yes, it's kind of crap but funny and
  everybody's having a good time. This may be the
  only Eurovision entry this year to feature a 
  zombie rampage. Which should win ten bonus points.

  >> Boris Johnson vicious tackle <<
  Popular at the moment is this footage of b3ta's
  favourite Tory taking out his opposite number at
  a charity soccer match with an absolutely eye
  watering rugby tackle. Not a foul though and,
  according to the stocky politician himself,
  "I was going for the ball with my head, which
  I understand is a legitimate move in soccer."

  >> Beatbox nutter <<
  Slightly frightening range of mouth-based beats
  from a wild-haired lad named Lasse. The best
  thing, as with all beatboxing, is the expression
  on his face as he does his thing.

  >> Body floss <<
  The mission: to swallow a bobbin of dental
  floss and tie one end to a tooth. So there's
  dental floss running all the way through this
  bold but somewhat foolhardy experimenter. Can
  he succeed? Does he die? Find out here:


  Pet quiz, Odd comic, & Furher blog

  >> Animal filmstar quiz <<
  "For some reason it always amuses me when
  animals are credited with their own name on
  TV shows," roars a resurgent Monkeon. It's
  inspired his new game, where you have to
  identify the animal who really starred in
  the role. Impossible in some cases, wildly
  easy in others - how will you do?

  >> Cartoon oddness <<
  Ben has dubbed these peculiar creations
  "spazzed up cartoons rendered by my own fair
  hand," and that about covers it. Post-modern
  life is rubbish:

  >> Fuhrer blog<<
  A very nice lady called Christie Manuel recently
  got in touch with your Ginger Fuhrer and said,
  "I own Robmanuel.com and I don't need it anymore.
  Would you like it?" Well the answer was obviously
  yes, but the question was really what to do with
  it? After rejecting ideas of sticking up
  photoshopped pictures of gingers with suspicious
  mustaches the simplest answer would seem to write
  a blog. Yes, a fucking blog. How 2002. This week
  it's about using a Mac, next week it'll probably
  be descriptions of lunch and links to subservient


  Results from the Alternative Energy Challenge

  Last week we wanted to know how the world 
  could be saved using alternative energy 

  Our favourites included:

  * ZOMBIE POWER - genuine innovation here, as 
    the undead provide an alternative means of 
    power. (mr wheatley)

  * FAIRY LIQUID - who knew that such a common 
    household cleaner could be used to such 
    devastating (yet detrimental) effect? 

  * LOVE - everyone's favourite four-letter word, 
    harnessed for the good of the planet. 

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Where Lost Things Go <<
     Socks. Spoons. Car keys. You have them, and 
     then you don't. What is that about? Show us 
     why stuff goes missing, and what it gets up 
     to when it's gone. 
     Challenge suggested by We are the lemon.

  >> Your challenge ideas <<
  We want your image challenge ideas. Then we 
  want you to vote on the challenges suggested
  by other people. It's easy. 


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * PEPPER SPRAY MAN - apparently, the clip of the
    chap getting sprayed with pepper we featured
    in last week's newsletter was originally from
    some 'cops on the beat' show. The guy was, says
    dnb, some sort of low life drug dealer and 
    deserved what he got. So huzzah!

  * FUNNY TRANSLATIONS is gathering a rather
    worrying momentum of its own. M M Mulder writes
    to say, "hearing a director yell the traditional
    'Cut!' is always amusing to me as 'Kut' is the
    Dutch equivalent of 'cunt' and a favourite
    swearword. On the other hand: 'kunt U ...?' is
    Dutch for 'Could you ... ?'" Crazy Dutch...

  * JOEL WANTS WHALE-MEAT and a number of people 
    wrote in to help him out. "Joel could go to
    Norway," suggests Asparagus Time. "I recommend
    the port of Burgen where I had some tasty whale
    steak and you can get a good meal (smoked whale
    included) from the free samples at the fish market.
    EU laws prohibit the fishing of whales but as
    Norway is not a member they can do what the fuck
    they like. By the same logic I suppose that the
    same would be true of Switzerland but being
    landlocked might be a slight problem."
    "Over the Easter bank holiday weekend I was in Oslo
    for the Inferno festival," chips in Richard Snogger,
    "and the food stall at the venue was selling whale
    kebabs! It was too good an opportunity to miss and,
    ethics aside, it was pretty tasty washed down with
    arse-clenchingly expensive lager."
  * PIG OLYMPICS - "With regard to your link to
    the 'Pig Olympics' last issue you made the
    assertion that they had 'missed a trick by not
    calling it the Olympigs,'" says Tom Rowberry.
    "Perhaps they were fearing litigation from
    the makers of this quite charming board game?"
    Woo - that looks ace. Wonder if we can wrangle
    a free copy?


  Two for the price of zero. We spoil you

  >> Wanker <<
  Keep pumping up a succession of slowly-diminishing
  rods or else you die. A challenging wank-action
  based game. The tagline, "Flex like a whore,
  fall wanking to the floor."

  >> Four second fury! <<
  Not just one game this, but a whole herd of
  incredibly simple games. The twist is you have
  just four seconds to complete each one. Intense!



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * HUMAN FLESH CASE-MODS - if Nazis were L33t,
    how would they design their PCs?

  * BADGER / APPRENTICE MASH - re-edit Jonti's
    Badger song to have Ruth Badger from TVs
    The Apprentice squat-thrusting to the lyrics
    "Badger Badger Badger Badger You're fired!
    You're fired!"

    has been rumbling with controversy for weeks 
    on this one, from "Use a door", to "No, use a 
    rubber band" to this week's "I can't believe I'm
    boring enough to send this to you, but I use a
    nut cracker." We want a controlled experiment

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]



  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with 
  David Stevenson.
  Stuff sent in by Bootbean, TheBoyTucker,
  drunken oaf, whoelse, TheCastrator, tor,
  Tinfingers, Parkingtigers, hahn, cidman2001
  james_doc, FILTHIO, & kingjay (you made it in
  Top Tippery by Twizla
  Additional linkage and image challenge by 
  Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Word to b4ta. (108682 - 35160)


  If you've ever done a bit of DIY then you will
  probably have noticed that some paint stinks
  (especially the gloss stuff). You can get rid
  of that pong by chopping up an onion or two and
  leaving it near the smelly wet paint - the two
  smells seem to cancel each other out. 


  SPONSORED LINK: (bonus kittens)

  "Same shit different day?  Stop being a wage
  slave - do something you love.  Chinwag Jobs,
  your boss fears us!"

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