NEWSLETTER: "IT RHYMES WITH GITA. AS IN SANJAY AND GITA"
This Week:
* B3TA BOOK - Preorder on Amazon now
* FOOD - Eek! It's the meat cake
* VIDEO - Motorbike + kiddy roundabout = blimey
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 239 - 28 Jul 2006
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue239/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
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: DAVID HASSELHOFF, KING OF THE INTERNET
Sponsored link
The latest TV spot starring the one and only
King of the Internet, David Hasselhoff has
just been posted at pipex.com. Guaranteed to
be more entertaining than that last email you
got with the Hoff’s head grafted on to a
chicken.
http://snipurl.com/David_Hasselhoff
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Buy the book, Meat cake, Fridge swears & Beer
>> Sick Joke Book, Amazon preorder <<
We started an experiment: could we use the
interweb to make a book? A sick joke book to
be specific. We got you lot to send us jokes
and illustrations and we used this newsletter
to find a publisher. And now? You can actually
preorder it on Amazon. Woo. Also young Joel
Veitch has made us a short video of his
favourite joke from the book, which seeing as
we've embarked on this project with a
literally zero budget probably counts as our
marketing campaign. So go on, buy it for your
strange uncle who only laughs when there's a
death in the family.
http://www.sickjokebook.com/
>> Meat cake <<
"Those fools at the Western Culinary Institute
laughed at me," snarls Vashti as lightning
crashes round the battlements of her ancestral
castle. "But lo! I've made a cake ...out of
MEAT!" It's undeniably impressive, although
your editor, like Hitler a vegetarian, visibly
palled at the sight of so much chunky meat.
http://www.velcrohead.com/vashti/baking/meatcake/
>> Swearing fridge <<
Recently your Ginger Fuhrer visited a school
fete and came back laden with magnetic
letters. After sticking them on the fridge he
noticed that the child minder had taken it
onto herself to arrange them into swears, then
Eva Braun (the official B3ta wife) added a few
more. Your Fuhrer doesn't like to see a job
half finished so amused himself over the next
few days trying to made every word vaguely
offensive and have no letters leftover. And
before you write in saying what dreadful
parents we are, it's gone now and the
mini-fuhrer (a tot-talitarian if you will)
can't read anyway.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/robmanuel/199583490/
>> "Let's get wasted" <<
"Our Guitarist, Pat, asked Luxus lager if
they'd give us hundreds and hundreds of free
beers if we filmed ourselves drinking them,"
beams sun-kissed Joel Veitch. "Amazingly, they
said yes, and duly, hundreds upon hundreds of
beers arrived outside Skipper's boat." Cue the
Seven Seconds of Love boys getting hammered,
arsing around in boats and making sweet, sweet
ska music. Is this the future of beer
advertising?
http://www.7secondsoflove.com/wasted/
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: BRIBE CORNER
Win a t-shirt
Chateau Roux sent a pile of 'bespoke vintage
t-shirts' to bribe us to link to their site.
Being as they are more suitable for dashing
youngsters rather than us old nerds, we're
turning them over to you. Send an email with
'b3ta competition' in the subject to
[email protected] and check out their site.
http://www.chateauroux.co.uk/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> The truth about cats <<
Jeff is a cute ginger moggy who looks like
butter wouldn't melt. This is a photo blog of
all the small creatures he kills and eats.
Frankly, this is very grim - to the point
where it's almost a shock site. Jeff is the
new goatse.
http://www.whatjeffkilled.com/index.html
>> Gay sex cakes <<
The sheer variety of crudely-drawn sex acts
and stodgy-looking cock-cakes is what
impressed us here. There are things going on
on some of these cakes that are unappetising
to say the least.
http://www.thecakegallerysf.com/x1ratedcakes1gay/l...
>> 1996 internet <<
Since 1996, the Internet Archive has been
storing copies of web pages for posterity.
This chap decided to take a look back at those
distant, heady early days of the web. From the
evidence he gathers, we can only agree: the
web used to be pretty shit.
http://www.msu.edu/~karjalae/internet96.htm
>> USB grill <<
It's a little game in B3ta towers, speculating
on what unlikely thing product developers will
slap a USB plug onto and sell as a peripheral.
We never would have thought of this though: a
lightly glowing USB George Foreman grill. If
it wasn't actually available for sale, you'd
think it was a hoax.
http://www.thinkgeek.com/stuff/looflirpa/igrill.sh...
>> Frosties boy - the truth <<
A mention of that tooth-grindingly awful
Frosties ad last week prompted people to send
in a number of amusingly morbid stories about
the fate of the annoying child actor who sings
the jingle. Our favourite, that he died of
cancer before the ad was made and the entire
thing was pieced together out of prerecorded
footage as his dying wish.
http://www.snopes.com/radiotv/tv/frosties.asp
>> Peter Doherty interview <<
Like most of humanity, we're very bored of Pete
Doherty's over-publicised self-destructive antics.
But this article is fascinating reading - giving
an insight into just what a chillingly fucked-up
state the bloke has got himself into.
http://snipurl.com/smackhead
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Keeping YouTube in ad revenue since 1894
>> Scooter + playground = bad idea <<
Some slightly chavvy boys and girls being a
bit silly, with painful consequences. Starts
slowly, the end is well worth the wait.
Someone should probably report them to social
services though.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Darth Vader's nervous breakdown <<
Star Wars, overdubbed with Vader overdubbed
with dialogue from other James Earl Jones
films to comic effect. Great to see the
Imperial forces staring aghast at this
dangerous lunatic wearing a bucket on his head
and babbling about baseball.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Extraordinary graffiti robot <<
Much as the spinning jenny and power loom led
to vast redundancies in the 18th century
textile industry, we're expecting mass
protests by the thousands of graffiti artists
soon to be made unemployed when this machine
hits production. You start off thinking the
pic is shit, but the machine's deceptively
precise.
http://snipurl.com/Graffiti_Machine
>> 'My Animated Life' <<
Classy stop-motion 'day in the life' of a
young bloke obsessed with retro video games.
Nice Tetris sequence and we are extremely
jealous of the guy's TV set. Wow.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Best mum ever? <<
Clearly made as some sort of viral, but good
nonetheless. Young girl puts on a sexy webcam
show for her boyfriend, unaware that her mum
has just walked into the room behind her.
Classic teenage fear, the warm cup of tea
discovered by the bedside when you've just had
a wank etc.
http://fishki.net/comment.php
>> Scared shrinking owl <<
Obligatory clip from Japanese TV. A big, fat
owl is startled, with extraordinary results.
It winds up looking more like a cat.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Self-destructive dancing <<
Apparently a classic Aussie TV moment, this
guy's flamboyant dancing alone is enough to
guarantee cult status. But then, in a move
meant to look lithe and catlike, he manages to
kick himself in the head and staggers to an
embarrassed halt.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
'Bondage' lawyers
Words fail us, seeing the full name of these
intellectual property lawyers. There's some
sort of strange S&M undercurrent there. Makes
you see their slogan "harness your future" in
a whole new light. Hehe.
http://www.hdp.com/frames/00000.htm
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Ronseal Challenge
Last week we wanted you to show us a world
where everything did exactly what it said on
the tin...
Your favourites included:
* WAITROSE - Clever yet painful Dr Who pun in
tandem with the delightful use of BBC stock
photography.
(WOLF)
* MOLASSES - But how many do you get in a tin?
We need to be told...
(HappyToast)
* FLASH LIQUID - There was always going to be
an influx of Flash Liquid entries, but this
animation is beautifully realised.
(amoebaboy)
All these images, and the highest as
voted by you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/ronseal/
>> New challenge: If Apple Made Everything <<
Five years ago, Apple was a niche brand for
geeks and creatives. Now everyone owns an iPod
and Apple stores are springing up like
Starbucks. But what happens when the takeover
is complete, when everything is made and
controlled by Apple? Show us the goods... And
bollocks to the moaners who are saying this is
a shit challenge. You'll see.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/apple/
>> Your challenge ideas <<
We want your image challenge ideas. Then we
want you to vote on the challenges suggested
by other people. It's easy.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* BATTERY EXPLODING IS DULL -
happy_tree_friend_666 deflates, "In reference
to that thing about batteries on a fire, it's
not amazing. You get a small crackle and then
a loud(ish) pop and then nothing."
* MORE STORIES OF THE SPIT - God_of_the_mind
dribbles, "Whilst on the subject of collecting
spit, when I was a kid, I tried to make a
giant ball of bogies. Much like a ball of
elastic bands, everyday I collected bogies
after school and added it to the ball. After a
while, I got it to the size of a golf ball.
Unfortunately, due to dehydration of the ball,
it crumbled to bits. Somewhat disheartened, I
called it a day."
* MUNTERS ARE GREAT - last week we got a cheap
laugh from the Munter vans. Apparently it has
fans including TheDuckHouse who writes,
"Nearly three weeks ago whilst sat up watching
Buffy the Vampire slayer at 2 am and drinking
Stella the pre-historic fuse box in the
cupboard under the stairs in the house I rent
finally shuffled off its mortal coil and took
myself and my two housemates with it! Munters
sorted us out, they are great." BTW we're
running this partly to link to his photos. Our
readers live in squalor!
http://snipurl.com/dirtybastards
* B3TA ADVERTISING WORKS - occasionally one of
the companies who bought a sponsored link gets
in touch and says how much difference it's
made to them. Remember the War On Terror board
game people? These guys were looking for
funding and preorders to make their dream of
becoming millionaires come true. Anyway, the
link helped them get the funding, plus
numerous media appearances too. You can buy
the game for Xmas (if you like, this isn't
actually an advert) via the wonders of the
below interwebby link.
http://www.waronterrortheboardgame.com
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Restaurants, Kitchens and Bars... Oh my!
Kitchens are simply vice dens with food. This
is confirmed by the sheer number of wanking
into the mayonnaise stories. Or, as reader
ChaRleyTroniC puts it, "I now know what is
meant by 'may contain traces of nuts.'"
http://b3ta.com/questions/restaurantskitchensbars/
* Towering Inferno
"By the end of this semester, we will have
to use the extinguisher at least once. Don't
let it be because of you." These were the
words of my teaching chef. Luckily, I wasn't
the one who wound up setting the ceiling on
fire. Now as you may know, seafood in lemon
butter sauce is a classic dish. It is made
by taking lemon juice, wine, and herbs and
heating them in a saucepan, before adding
massive quantities of butter until it
thickens into a thin paste of deliciousness.
However, if you attempt the sauce-making
process in reverse, like my fellow classmate
decided to do... Large amounts of butter go
in the pan. Pan is heated on burner flame
for a few minutes, before water-based
liquids are added. Water instantly
flash-boils, spraying superheated grease
everywhere. Classmate screams, drops pan
into burner flame. Large amounts of grease
splash upwards, while burner flame spreads
to it. Result: One very impressive pillar of
angry orange inferno reaching from the
tabletop "porto- range" straight up to the
corkboard drop ceiling. It looked like it
should be advising Charlton Heston of some
additional commandments."
(Drakkenmaw)
* Boiled Breasts
"I used to be the manageress of a restaurant
with a gaggle of giggling chavvy teens as my
waiting staff. Hey, they're cheap. We did a
lot of buffets, it being a hotel, and served
the food from chafing tins, long steel trays
full of boiling water, heated by paraffin
lamps, with the trays of food perched on
top. My chavtastic slaves stired the chilli
or whatever disinterestedly and flopped it
on the partygoers plates. Now, being a posh
hotel and all, we had some very lavish IN
and OUT doors to the kitchen. Clearing up
from a buffet one evening I hear a THUD, a
sound like someone had dropped a dustbin
lid, and a high pitched squeal. Turns out
that Nikki, a large chav with a ginger
ponytail on the top of her head, had picked
up a chafing tin full of boiling water and
taken it in the OUT door. Trouble is, an
equally dumb (but door-rule-adhering)
waitress had come OUT at the same time.
Nikki had poured scalding water over her
chest. The sight of a big ginger girl
pulling off her now see through white blouse
and sticking her bright red glowing boobs
under the pot washer's cold tap whilst
squealing like someone trod on Mickey Mouse
is permanently etched into my memory (and
her mammaries)" (Derek Acorah's Spirit Guide
Sam)
* Back room car parts
"In the pub I worked in, we had a back room
with no bar that could be let out to private
parties. A regular booking was for the
Morris Minor Owners Club. I found out one of
the favourite pastimes for this group was
'guess the part.' They'd pass round a black
velvet bag with a part from a Morris Minor
in it, each member would feel inside the bag
without looking and write down what they
thought it was. There were ten rounds..."
(Che Grimsdale)
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like you to tell us about the intense
friendships you've had - you know the ones
that had you vowing to be friends forever,
yet descended into madness and spite.
Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/intensefriendships/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* GLUE ADVICE - Jamie526 enquires, "I need
some advice. The glue sticking the little
rubber pads on the bottom of my laptop has
melted and the pads have come off. I've tried
re-sticking with super glue, contact cement
and even Araldite, but nothing will stick to
the rubber. Could you ask in your newsletter if
anyone knows a good solution?"
* SATALITE COCK FLOWERS - thetoxicbarmaid
speculates, "I think it would be rather
amusing if a mass movement of flower planting
in fields and anywhere possible of giant CDC
and other things, so when the google earth
satellite images were updated, we could have
lots of lovely images of penises, viewed from
space."
* READERS QUESTIONS - have you got an
insolvable quandary you wish to put to the
other readers of the newsletter? Get in touch
and tell us.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by edwoods100,
insert_username_here,
Russ@not-saying-because-google-picks-my-
distinctive-name-up-and-mates-and-family-
comment-on-it.com, acemiller101, Hez,
Kourosism, nachos b, and the sexy peronthious.
Top Tippery by adedar_raeyvan. Not tippery by
Steptoe who's obviously a little stinky and
writes, "If you're in a rush to leave in the
morning and don't have time for a shower,
Spray-on deodorant makes a nice quick
'Shower-in-a-can'" Additional linkage and
image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder
is QOTW bloke. Word to b4ta.
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TOP TIP:
So it's camping time again! Before cooking
anything on your paraffin burner, rub soap
on the underside of the pan. When the
underside gets all black and dirty, it will
just rub off. Tested this with washing-up
liquid - works a treat.
