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This Week:
* B3TA BOOK - Preorder on Amazon now
* FOOD - Eek! It's the meat cake
* VIDEO - Motorbike + kiddy roundabout = blimey

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       web... together"

B3ta email 239 - 28 Jul 2006

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  Sponsored link

  The latest TV spot starring the one and only
  King of the Internet, David Hasselhoff has
  just been posted at pipex.com. Guaranteed to
  be more entertaining than that last email you
  got with the Hoff’s head grafted on to a

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Buy the book, Meat cake, Fridge swears & Beer

  >> Sick Joke Book, Amazon preorder <<
  We started an experiment: could we use the
  interweb to make a book? A sick joke book to
  be specific. We got you lot to send us jokes
  and illustrations and we used this newsletter
  to find a publisher. And now? You can actually
  preorder it on Amazon. Woo. Also young Joel
  Veitch has made us a short video of his
  favourite joke from the book, which seeing as
  we've embarked on this project with a
  literally zero budget probably counts as our
  marketing campaign. So go on, buy it for your
  strange uncle who only laughs when there's a
  death in the family.

  >> Meat cake <<
  "Those fools at the Western Culinary Institute
  laughed at me," snarls Vashti as lightning
  crashes round the battlements of her ancestral
  castle. "But lo! I've made a cake ...out of
  MEAT!" It's undeniably impressive, although
  your editor, like Hitler a vegetarian, visibly
  palled at the sight of so much chunky meat.

  >> Swearing fridge <<
  Recently your Ginger Fuhrer visited a school
  fete and came back laden with magnetic
  letters. After sticking them on the fridge he
  noticed that the child minder had taken it
  onto herself to arrange them into swears, then
  Eva Braun (the official B3ta wife) added a few
  more. Your Fuhrer doesn't like to see a job
  half finished so amused himself over the next
  few days trying to made every word vaguely
  offensive and have no letters leftover. And
  before you write in saying what dreadful
  parents we are, it's gone now and the
  mini-fuhrer (a tot-talitarian if you will)
  can't read anyway.

  >> "Let's get wasted" <<
  "Our Guitarist, Pat, asked Luxus lager if
  they'd give us hundreds and hundreds of free
  beers if we filmed ourselves drinking them,"
  beams sun-kissed Joel Veitch. "Amazingly, they
  said yes, and duly, hundreds upon hundreds of
  beers arrived outside Skipper's boat." Cue the
  Seven Seconds of Love boys getting hammered,
  arsing around in boats and making sweet, sweet
  ska music. Is this the future of beer


  Win a t-shirt

  Chateau Roux sent a pile of 'bespoke vintage
  t-shirts' to bribe us to link to their site.
  Being as they are more suitable for dashing
  youngsters rather than us old nerds, we're
  turning them over to you. Send an email with
  'b3ta competition' in the subject to
  [email protected] and check out their site.


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> The truth about cats <<
  Jeff is a cute ginger moggy who looks like
  butter wouldn't melt. This is a photo blog of
  all the small creatures he kills and eats.
  Frankly, this is very grim - to the point
  where it's almost a shock site. Jeff is the
  new goatse.

  >> Gay sex cakes <<
  The sheer variety of crudely-drawn sex acts
  and stodgy-looking cock-cakes is what
  impressed us here. There are things going on
  on some of these cakes that are unappetising
  to say the least.

  >> 1996 internet <<
  Since 1996, the Internet Archive has been
  storing copies of web pages for posterity.
  This chap decided to take a look back at those
  distant, heady early days of the web. From the
  evidence he gathers, we can only agree: the
  web used to be pretty shit.

  >> USB grill <<
  It's a little game in B3ta towers, speculating
  on what unlikely thing product developers will
  slap a USB plug onto and sell as a peripheral.
  We never would have thought of this though: a
  lightly glowing USB George Foreman grill. If
  it wasn't actually available for sale, you'd
  think it was a hoax.

  >> Frosties boy - the truth <<
  A mention of that tooth-grindingly awful
  Frosties ad last week prompted people to send
  in a number of amusingly morbid stories about
  the fate of the annoying child actor who sings
  the jingle. Our favourite, that he died of
  cancer before the ad was made and the entire
  thing was pieced together out of prerecorded
  footage as his dying wish.

  >> Peter Doherty interview <<
  Like most of humanity, we're very bored of Pete
  Doherty's over-publicised self-destructive antics.
  But this article is fascinating reading - giving
  an insight into just what a chillingly fucked-up
  state the bloke has got himself into.


  Keeping YouTube in ad revenue since 1894

  >> Scooter + playground = bad idea <<
  Some slightly chavvy boys and girls being a
  bit silly, with painful consequences. Starts
  slowly, the end is well worth the wait.
  Someone should probably report them to social
  services though.

  >> Darth Vader's nervous breakdown <<
  Star Wars, overdubbed with Vader overdubbed
  with dialogue from other James Earl Jones
  films to comic effect. Great to see the
  Imperial forces staring aghast at this
  dangerous lunatic wearing a bucket on his head
  and babbling about baseball.

  >> Extraordinary graffiti robot <<
  Much as the spinning jenny and power loom led
  to vast redundancies in the 18th century
  textile industry, we're expecting mass
  protests by the thousands of graffiti artists
  soon to be made unemployed when this machine
  hits production. You start off thinking the
  pic is shit, but the machine's deceptively

  >> 'My Animated Life' <<
  Classy stop-motion 'day in the life' of a
  young bloke obsessed with retro video games.
  Nice Tetris sequence and we are extremely
  jealous of the guy's TV set. Wow.

  >> Best mum ever? <<
  Clearly made as some sort of viral, but good
  nonetheless. Young girl puts on a sexy webcam
  show for her boyfriend, unaware that her mum
  has just walked into the room behind her.
  Classic teenage fear, the warm cup of tea
  discovered by the bedside when you've just had
  a wank etc.

  >> Scared shrinking owl <<
  Obligatory clip from Japanese TV. A big, fat
  owl is startled, with extraordinary results.
  It winds up looking more like a cat.

  >> Self-destructive dancing <<
  Apparently a classic Aussie TV moment, this
  guy's flamboyant dancing alone is enough to
  guarantee cult status. But then, in a move
  meant to look lithe and catlike, he manages to
  kick himself in the head and staggers to an
  embarrassed halt.


  'Bondage' lawyers

  Words fail us, seeing the full name of these
  intellectual property lawyers. There's some
  sort of strange S&M undercurrent there. Makes
  you see their slogan "harness your future" in
  a whole new light. Hehe.


  Results from the Ronseal Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to show us a world
  where everything did exactly what it said on
  the tin... 

  Your favourites included:
  * WAITROSE - Clever yet painful Dr Who pun in 
    tandem with the delightful use of BBC stock 

  * MOLASSES - But how many do you get in a tin?
    We need to be told... 

  * FLASH LIQUID - There was always going to be 
    an influx of Flash Liquid entries, but this 
    animation is beautifully realised.   

    All these images, and the highest as
    voted by you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: If Apple Made Everything <<
  Five years ago, Apple was a niche brand for
  geeks and creatives. Now everyone owns an iPod
  and Apple stores are springing up like
  Starbucks. But what happens when the takeover
  is complete, when everything is made and
  controlled by Apple? Show us the goods... And
  bollocks to the moaners who are saying this is
  a shit challenge. You'll see.

  >> Your challenge ideas <<
  We want your image challenge ideas. Then we 
  want you to vote on the challenges suggested
  by other people. It's easy. 



  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  happy_tree_friend_666 deflates, "In reference
  to that thing about batteries on a fire, it's
  not amazing. You get a small crackle and then
  a loud(ish) pop and then nothing."

  * MORE STORIES OF THE SPIT - God_of_the_mind
  dribbles, "Whilst on the subject of collecting
  spit, when I was a kid, I tried to make a
  giant ball of bogies. Much like a ball of
  elastic bands, everyday I collected bogies
  after school and added it to the ball. After a
  while, I got it to the size of a golf ball.
  Unfortunately, due to dehydration of the ball,
  it crumbled to bits. Somewhat disheartened, I
  called it a day."

  * MUNTERS ARE GREAT - last week we got a cheap
  laugh from the Munter vans. Apparently it has
  fans including TheDuckHouse who writes,
  "Nearly three weeks ago whilst sat up watching
  Buffy the Vampire slayer at 2 am and drinking
  Stella the pre-historic fuse box in the
  cupboard under the stairs in the house I rent
  finally shuffled off its mortal coil and took
  myself and my two housemates with it! Munters
  sorted us out, they are great." BTW we're
  running this partly to link to his photos. Our
  readers live in squalor!

  * B3TA ADVERTISING WORKS - occasionally one of
  the companies who bought a sponsored link gets
  in touch and says how much difference it's
  made to them. Remember the War On Terror board
  game people? These guys were looking for
  funding and preorders to make their dream of
  becoming millionaires come true. Anyway, the
  link helped them get the funding, plus
  numerous media appearances too. You can buy
  the game for Xmas (if you like, this isn't
  actually an advert) via the wonders of the
  below interwebby link.


  Restaurants, Kitchens and Bars... Oh my!

  Kitchens are simply vice dens with food. This
  is confirmed by the sheer number of wanking
  into the mayonnaise stories. Or, as reader
  ChaRleyTroniC puts it, "I now know what is
  meant by 'may contain traces of nuts.'"

  * Towering Inferno
    "By the end of this semester, we will have
    to use the extinguisher at least once. Don't
    let it be because of you." These were the
    words of my teaching chef. Luckily, I wasn't
    the one who wound up setting the ceiling on
    fire. Now as you may know, seafood in lemon
    butter sauce is a classic dish. It is made
    by taking lemon juice, wine, and herbs and
    heating them in a saucepan, before adding
    massive quantities of butter until it
    thickens into a thin paste of deliciousness.
    However, if you attempt the sauce-making
    process in reverse, like my fellow classmate
    decided to do... Large amounts of butter go
    in the pan. Pan is heated on burner flame
    for a few minutes, before water-based
    liquids are added. Water instantly
    flash-boils, spraying superheated grease
    everywhere. Classmate screams, drops pan
    into burner flame. Large amounts of grease
    splash upwards, while burner flame spreads
    to it. Result: One very impressive pillar of
    angry orange inferno reaching from the
    tabletop "porto- range" straight up to the
    corkboard drop ceiling. It looked like it
    should be advising Charlton Heston of some
    additional commandments."
  * Boiled Breasts
    "I used to be the manageress of a restaurant
    with a gaggle of giggling chavvy teens as my
    waiting staff. Hey, they're cheap. We did a
    lot of buffets, it being a hotel, and served
    the food from chafing tins, long steel trays
    full of boiling water, heated by paraffin
    lamps, with the trays of food perched on
    top. My chavtastic slaves stired the chilli
    or whatever disinterestedly and flopped it
    on the partygoers plates. Now, being a posh
    hotel and all, we had some very lavish IN
    and OUT doors to the kitchen. Clearing up
    from a buffet one evening I hear a THUD, a
    sound like someone had dropped a dustbin
    lid, and a high pitched squeal. Turns out
    that Nikki, a large chav with a ginger
    ponytail on the top of her head, had picked
    up a chafing tin full of boiling water and
    taken it in the OUT door. Trouble is, an
    equally dumb (but door-rule-adhering)
    waitress had come OUT at the same time.
    Nikki had poured scalding water over her
    chest. The sight of a big ginger girl
    pulling off her now see through white blouse
    and sticking her bright red glowing boobs
    under the pot washer's cold tap whilst
    squealing like someone trod on Mickey Mouse
    is permanently etched into my memory (and
    her mammaries)" (Derek Acorah's Spirit Guide
  * Back room car parts
    "In the pub I worked in, we had a back room
    with no bar that could be let out to private
    parties. A regular booking was for the
    Morris Minor Owners Club. I found out one of
    the favourite pastimes for this group was
    'guess the part.' They'd pass round a black
    velvet bag with a part from a Morris Minor
    in it, each member would feel inside the bag
    without looking and write down what they
    thought it was. There were ten rounds..."
    (Che Grimsdale)

  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like you to tell us about the intense
  friendships you've had - you know the ones
  that had you vowing to be friends forever,
  yet descended into madness and spite.
  Talk to us here:



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * GLUE ADVICE - Jamie526 enquires, "I need
  some advice. The glue sticking the little
  rubber pads on the bottom of my laptop has
  melted and the pads have come off. I've tried
  re-sticking with super glue, contact cement
  and even Araldite, but nothing will stick to
  the rubber. Could you ask in your newsletter if
  anyone knows a good solution?"

  * SATALITE COCK FLOWERS - thetoxicbarmaid
  speculates, "I think it would be rather
  amusing if a mass movement of flower planting
  in fields and anywhere possible of giant CDC
  and other things, so when the google earth
  satellite images were updated, we could have
  lots of lovely images of penises, viewed from

  * READERS QUESTIONS - have you got an
  insolvable quandary you wish to put to the
  other readers of the newsletter? Get in touch
  and tell us.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
  Unsubscribe:  [email protected]



  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by edwoods100,
  comment-on-it.com, acemiller101, Hez,
  Kourosism, nachos b, and the sexy peronthious.
  Top Tippery by adedar_raeyvan. Not tippery by
  Steptoe who's obviously a little stinky and
  writes, "If you're in a rush to leave in the
  morning and don't have time for a shower,
  Spray-on deodorant makes a nice quick
  'Shower-in-a-can'" Additional linkage and
  image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder
  is QOTW bloke. Word to b4ta.


  So it's camping time again! Before cooking
  anything on your paraffin burner, rub soap
  on the underside of the pan. When the
  underside gets all black and dirty, it will
  just rub off. Tested this with washing-up
  liquid - works a treat.

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