NEWSLETTER: "THIS IS YOUTUBE MATERIAL!"
This Week:
* KITTENWAR.COM - The interview YOU demanded!
* WEEBL - His cat is still called 'Cat Face'
* AMY WINEHOUSE - Nope, not with yours
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving with
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| Northern Rock... together"
B3ta email 295 - 21 Sept 2007
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue295/
Duran Duran: [email protected]
Spandau Ballet: [email protected]
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Weebl, QOTW HotorNot, Kittenwar & Faces
>> Kittenwar interview <<
In which the multifarious hordes of our
messageboards ply kittenmeisters Fraser and
Tomsk with questions regarding their cat-based
battle website. Of course, the guys pretty
much forgot to mention that they've got a
tie-in book coming out. Doh. Anyway, ideal
gift etc etc.
http://www.b3ta.com/interview/kittenwar/
>> Cat Face 5 <<
Cat Face takes some time to chill out a
little, in the latest of Weebl's floaty
feline-headed adventures.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Cat+Face+5/
>> B3ta beauty contest <<
Is b3ta ugly? That's the question that's
clearly been keeping Emily Bruce-Dickinson
awake of a night. Judging by this Hotornot
poll of B3ta Question of the Week users' pics
we'd have to say a fairly firm 'no'. Although
we were reluctant to stray into the lower
regions of the list, preferring to maintain
our illusions that the internet is only used
by bronzed surfer dudes and cute punky girls
with pierced tongues.
http://www.b3ta.com/talk/3787739
>> Objects with faces <<
Inanimate objects with faces - faces that
watch. Watch you masturbating. So don't do it,
kids. Anyway, Toast Master has assembled a
nice gallery of simulacra for you to peruse.
http://facesinplaces.blogspot.com/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Personal Ads
Last week we asked for your experiences with
personal ads. Most of you took it as a chance
to try and get laid on the aforementioned Hot
or Not pages:
http://b3ta.com/questions/personalads/
Here are four that don't involve dating ugly
people:
* "MY MUM IS A CAT PIMP and offers the
services of her champion pedigree toms to
kitties on heat whose owners are willing to
pay a few hundred quid for the privilege. One
time, this rather obnoxious, snooty cow
brought in her equally snooty, overly-fluffed,
inbred, pugfaced puss for a thorough servicing
from prime stud 'Snowwitch Mists of Avalon
Trojan Warrior' (the names get worse, believe
me). Pugface tried her very best to gain the
stud's attention... arse in the air, choccie
starfish on display at all times, meowing like
a Yoko Ono record on 78 and rolling around on
the floor in a desperate attempt to get buffed
into the next century. Trojan Warrior,
however, wasn't in the slightest bit
interested. He preferred the giant lop-eared
rabbit that ran free in the kittie pen, and
attempted to give him a good rogering. For his
efforts he was rewarded with a series of swift
bunny kicks to the feet, body and head. My
mum, embarrassed and desperate to get the
money, tried everything to get them to mate
that weekend, but alas, Trojan Warrior only
had eyes and spiky cat cock for the
thunder-footed, big-eared one. So, that's the
sordid world of cat dating for you." (brixton
bruxelles)
* "KNOW THOSE DATING CHANNELS ON SKY? The ones
where you text in with messages? We decided to
try to get some of history's greatest bastards
a date. Unfortunately all the messages are
monitored/filtered, so Adolf Hitler was shot
down in flames, but we struck gold with the
following ad: "Mature, refined gentleman,
doctor, seeks older woman to look after for
the rest of her days. Harry." We were
inundated with three whole responses wanting
more information from Harry, including, "what
are you a doctor of?" "Elderly care" was our
response. In case you're wondering, it is
entirely possible to be banned from a text
dating channel." (LabiaMajora)
* "BUSTED. Last night at the dinner table my
son says, "I found you on b3ta... I recognised
your vasectomy story." "Oh," says my wife to
me, "what else did you put on there?" "Well
there was the vasectomy story and the one
about my mum asking my ex for porn." My son
went pale and quietly said, "You mean that was
you? I'd already read that and didn't look at
who posted it by the time I worked out your
name. You mean that was nanny?" So, to save my
son having even more information, I had best
not post anything about any experience with
internet dating I may or may not have had.
Which is a pity because the one about the mad
Welsh woman and the candles is mildly
amusing." (bald old git)
And finally,
* "MEN SEEKING WOMEN section, local newspaper,
Wanted: fanny. Can't believe they printed it.
Unless 'fanny' was her name?" (nappy rash)
>> This Week's Question <<
Have you ever been told off as an adult? You
know, the sort of thing that dredges up an
involuntary teenage mumble of "Sorry, Miss"
whilst you stare at the ground. Talk to us
here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/toldoff/
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: BRITNEY/CHELSEA WANDBAGON ALERT
Sponsored link
The special one's departure affected some more
than others... Get out the Kleenex and watch
this emotional appeal, from a die hard Chelsea
fan, to 'Leave Jose ALONE!'
http://tinyurl.com/yunn3e
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Laptop Pong <<
Brilliant idea - shame it's Mac-only. Arcade
classic Pong but you control the bat by
tilting your laptop around. Of course, that
will make you look like a twat if you do it on
the bus.
http://uri.cat/software/netPong/
>> Museum of Food Anomalies <<
A wide selection of peculiarly deformed fruit,
veggies and crisps. Like the Elephant Man's
buffet.
http://www.hanttula.com/exhibits/mofa/
>> LOL God <<
Retelling the Greatest Story Ever Told,
LOLcats style. "im on ur cross, rediming ur
sinz."
http://www.vexappeal.com/lolgod/
>> The Luther Burger <<
A one-pound beefburger fried, topped with
cheese and bacon and sandwiched between two
Krispy Kreme doughnuts. Legend has it, the
dish was invented by legendary trencherman
Luther Vandross. Not, as we initially
suspected, by Lex Luthor as part of some
cholesterol-based Superman assassination bid.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Luther_Burger.j...
>> Internet people <<
We sort of skipped this homage to weird web
characters when it was out a little while ago.
But it is good and the bonus game is to see
how many of them you recognise. Worryingly, we
can also play the game of how many we've
shared a bathroom with.
http://www.snotr.com/video/343
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Not typing 'Zoe Salmon' into YouTube search
>> Can you see what it is yet? <<
Inventive sequence of dirty little doodles -
or are they? A few quick pen marks and their
true, innocuous shape can be seen.
http://vix.dk/v/204972
>> Squirrel mission impossible <<
Classic eighties UK TV, featuring squirrels
completing assault courses and pushing their
very limits just to nick some bird seed.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Cadburys done better <<
Probably about to receive an award from Cannes
in the coveted "best use of a gorilla in a
chocolate commercial" category, you've
already seen the clip we're talking about. But
we enjoyed this fan edit that improves the
admittedly amusing original by changing the
music to Bonnie Tyler's Total Eclipse of the
Heart. Altogether now, "Once upon a time I was
falling in love, now I'm only falling
apart..."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/This_Is_Better_Bonnie_Ty...
>> Amy Winehouse <<
Poor old skag-addled Amy Winehouse, she's
reached that low point in her career where
she's an easy way to get a cheap laugh. Like
this quick and dirty mix of the "they tried to
make be go to rehab" song and a rather famous
clip of a skinny tranny with dodgy limbs.
http://b3ta.com/links/Amy_Winehouse_secretly_filme...
>> Lemon Party redux <<
When history calls upon us to write the
definitive encyclopaedia of web-cruft, we'll be
saving a whole chapter for Lemon Party, the
strangely endearing image of old men engaging
in mutual oral fun. Looks like some American
comedy show is also getting into the act.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Lemon_Party
>> Pole position ad! <<
Yay for the directors on this TV spot for an
early 80s computer game. They are doing their
best to make it look exciting, and they almost
succeed until they cut to footage of the game.
As if an audience wouldn't spot the join! This
had us roaring with geek joy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Hitler vs iSktech <<
What a gift the movie Downfall has been to
webtards: a couple of hours of Nazis, Germans
and Hitler, all in German, so it can be cut
with any-old subtitles, and most English
speaking viewers will be willingly fooled.
Loving this edit, where Adolf is particularly
annoyed about his banning from the popular web
game, iSketch.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/HItler_Banned_From_iSket...
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Elvis Challenge
Last week we wanted you to 'shop Elvis Presley.
Your favourites included:
* IRONING - A rare glimpse of Presley at home.
Domestic bliss in a white jumpsuit (HappyToast)
* GUY GOMA - Our blundering hero returns, this
time confused with the King of Rock 'n Roll
(Peter Beater)
* STARCH - The secrets of Elvis' trousers
revealed (Monkeon)
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/elvis/
>> New challenge: Amy Winehouse <<
We love tabloid superstar Amy Winehouse. With
her massive hair, blistering jazz pipes and
nasty habits, all she's missing is a series of
puerile photoshop gags made at her expense. So
let's put that right.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/amy_winehouse/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* B3TARD ON THE BBC - Afinkawan blithers, "Do
you remember aaaaages ago when there was an
advert for an BBC sketch writing competition
in the newsletter? Well, as it turned out, I
did rather well at it. The new series of
Recorded For Training Purposes starts on Radio
4 at 11pm on the 20th September. I know the
next newsletter will be on the 21st but
there's not much of my stuff in the first
episode anyway. Please order all newsletter
readers to listen to it and possibly email the
BBC to tell them how great my sketches are."
Yay. Well done.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/comedy/recordedfortrai...
* HITLER VS CHRIS CROCKER - the "Leave Britney
alone!" thing obviously went completely mental
across the web prompting this small tribute
from our very own Tepid_Halibut who downplays,
"it's a pity I haven't the talent to match it
up properly." Still, gave us a quick laugh.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
* BIRDS - m-a-t-t twitters, "Alfred
Hitchcock's 'The Birds' set to the Birdie
Song! As requested by the lovely people who
write the newsletter." Heh, that would be us,
us lovely people.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/thou_asketh_and_i_shalt_...
* A-TEAM VAN - Pat Wood (probably best known
for his t-shirt site Truffle Shuffle)
complains, "That Mystery Machine you linked
last week was wank, Check out my van! Fuck a
grand, this thing can drink a grand’s worth of
petrol in a week, the lousy American beast
that it is."
http://www.theateamvan.com/
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THANKS:
All you people want is more, more, more, more,
more... Leave B3ta alone. This issue was
written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson.
Even we wouldn't piss on a dying spastic.
Stuff sent in by jonny_burn, Redhotchiligrrl,
The Great Architect, pobblepop, kinks with the
newsletter subject line from pzykozomatik.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Wanking to Lauren Harries Porn.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. If your mum wasn't
your mum would you?
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OBITCHUARY:
We've just loaded "Colin McRae's Helicopter
Simulator" onto our PC, but it keeps crashing.
http://www.sickipedia.org/profile/Retard
