NEWSLETTER: "SWIRLY FACE MAN'S FAVOURITE LINKS"
This Week:
* TOY - Cubicle freakout
* FUNNY NAME CORNER - Introducing Miss Puke
* PHOTOS - Squishy shoe fetish
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're getting internet
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | fuckwits to write our
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| tagline... badly"
B3ta email 299 - 0o23 0o12 0o3727
Stick these words up your browser chuff
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue299/
iPod Touch: [email protected]
Nokia n810: [email protected]
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Games, Swears and book signing bollocks
>> Cubicle Freakout <<
"Alright B3ta monkeys", chatters Eyegas, "A
while ago you put my Attack Of My Sprouts
Christmas game in your newsletter (which was
terribly nice of you), and about two years
later I've finally got round to doing another
one. It called "Cubicle Freakout", and it's
dedicated to frustrated office workers the
world over."
http://www.eyegas.com/cubiclefreakout/
>> Swear machine <<
"Last Friday I made a website that displays
random swearwords in a random size on a random
coloured background", profanes Andy, "You can
also add new swearwords to the batch by
clicking on the little + sign in the top left."
Huzzah, and we also like that Andy finished his
email with, "PS - fucking ace newsletter."
http://www.swearalot.com/
>> Eat the Alphabet <<
A few months ago your Ginger Fuhrer was
nattering to Fraser from Kittenwar and he
challenged him to eat the alphabet, A is for
antelope - Z is for Zebra etc. Fraser - the
cocky shit - only went and sold the idea to the
Guardian and got a column out of it. Read it
here. BTW: Fraser and Tomsk will be doing a
book signing 7pm tonight, Friday 19 Oct, at The
Art Gallery, Foyles Book Shop, 113-119 Charing
Cross Road. We'll be there. Will you?
http://snipurl.com/eatthealphabet
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Voyeurism
Last week we asked if you've watched or been
watched. Lots of you seem to have binoculars:
http://b3ta.com/questions/voyeurism/
* SCOUTING - "Once upon a time in a city in
Engerlaaand, I got hideously drunk dressed as a
Scout. I'd managed to lose all my mates (also
dressed as Boy Scouts and Brownies). My memory
of the evening kicks in at about the point
where I was slouched in a doorway, 'pleasuring'
a girl with my hand down her knickers,
slobbering into her mouth when a riot van full
of coppers pulls up, the passenger window goes
down and the friendly copper in the passenger
seat says 'Steady on Sam, you don't know where
he's been.' Cue the blue lights, siren, much
laughing and the riot van speeds away. Poor old
Sam the policewoman has been caught by her
co-workers being fingered by a 22 year old
drunk man dressed as a Scout." (Biromunch)
* WANKING - "My folks bought a camcorder and
being about 14 at the time, I decided that
filming myself having a wank was the most
creative use of this shiny new toy. Now,
obviously, I knew how sensitive this sort of
material can be when you've got two sisters, so
I thought the best place to leave the tape was
in the camera. In the cupboard. Where everyone
had access to it. It wouldn't have been so bad,
but my younger sister showed it to all of her
friends who promptly told theirs and so on and
so on. 12 years later and the story still comes
back to me on occasion, with more and more
embellishments each time. The most recent
version has me fucking a teddy bear while
wearing a skin tight catsuit and shouting my
mother's name. I also found photos my sister
took of her vag, but being a decent sort of a
bloke I have said nothing as yet. Also, I went
to school with the guy who delivers my parents'
post. He said that one day while delivering to
their house, he caught - through the window - a
glimpse of my dad wanking into the fruit bowl.
What the fuck is wrong with my family?" (JayHay)
* DOGGING - "I was sitting in a pub in
Wakefield having a loud conversation about
dogging, with a guy who I had only just met.
Apparently he and the gf were into it, and one
of the rules is windows down = come over and
join in. The couple were getting down to it
with him face first in her lady parts when he
feels someone reach through the window and
start to give some hand relief. Not thinking to
look until he's at the vinegar strokes, he
looked round to see a filthy wizened old man
clutching his penis. In his words, 'he was like
a tiny, homeless Alf Garnet and he was touching
my cock.' We were all staring into our pints
looking a bit embarrassed when he filled the
silence with, 'The worst thing about it is that
that was the best handjob I have EVER received
in my life.'" (willenium)
>> This Week's Question <<
Conned someone? Perhaps you hustled a few quid
off a stranger, or defrauded a multi-national
company. Or have you been taken for the
wide-eyed, naive rube that you are?:
http://b3ta.com/questions/conned/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> iPod fingersocks <<
Intended to protect your shiny new iPod Touch
from the corrosive grease of your disgusting,
fat fingers, these resemble nothing so much as
thigh boots for your hands. Way sexy!
http://www.iphonemod.com/
>> Prison hooch <<
Readers with longer memories may recall a link
we ran some time ago about the
evil-yet-still-piss-weak prison brew known as
pruno. This 'prison wine' is cut from much the
same stinky cloth, but the pictures and
commentary are great, making it well worth the
look.
http://www.thesneeze.com/mt-archives/000373.php
>> Pixel art <<
Pretty basic 'make your own pixel art' app. The
nice bit is being able to see the massed array
of everyone else's tiny creations too.
http://pixelarts.6x.to/
>> Squishy shoe fetish <<
It's frightening what you can stumble on when
following up on people who mark your Flickr
photos as favourites. Here's an entire gallery
devoted to crushing squishable things while
wearing high-heeled shoes. Then spoogeing on
them.
http://snipurl.com/shoespooge
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: SPONSORED LINKYPOOS
We Love Odd-Shaped Balls
England stunned the Aussies and shocked the
French. If the Springboks are anything like this
motley bunch the trophy’s theirs.
http://tinyurl.com/2o9pc9
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Coz you're not sick of YouTube links are you?
>> Pretty girl, shit trumpet player <<
Disastrous attempt by a beauty pageant
contestant to dance and play the Star Wars
theme in the 'talent' section of the show. What
we figure must have happened is that the
backing track was played in the wrong key and
she just gamely carried on with her act. That
doesn't change the fact that she is utterly
terrible though.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Star_Wars_Trumpet_Girl
>> Creepy animated graffiti <<
'John Carpenter meets Banksy' would be a lazy
way to describe this stop-motion fruit of
countless hours slapping paint around in an
abandoned warehouse. It would, however, be
rather accurate too. Much wall-scuttling and
body-splitting ensues.
http://snipurl.com/isecondthatmotion
>> Mattress-mounted shotgun <<
Just when we start to think that America is
sane, something like this comes along. It's a
gun-rack to keep your firearms within easy
reach by the side of your bed. Ideally-placed
for bleary-eyed blasting of your toddler when
he unexpectedly walks into the room during the
night.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Excellent mirror prank <<
Put identical twins on either side of a sheet
of glass made up to look like a mirror in
public toilets. Film people's reactions when
they notice that their own reflection is
missing. We'd probably assume that we'd been
turned invisible and creep around spying on
things we shouldn't.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Mirror_prank
>> Extremely fresh sushi <<
One of the worrying things about sushi is that
you always wonder about how long it's been left
sitting around, going manky. That's definitely
not an issue here, as this meal shows that it
is still clinging onto life. Eww!
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
With added phallus!
* MISS PUKE - Thai massage that somehow fails
to tempt.
http://www.misspuke.net/
* CUBIST FRUIT-COCK - food promotion from
Australian supermarket features a rather
worrying fruity construction. The glistening
pink tip is particularly attention-grabbing.
http://snipurl.com/suckmyfruitycock
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: T-SHIRT OF THE WEEK
I Love Heroin
Your Ginger Fuhrer recently started a Facebook
group "I love Heroin". It lasted about two
weeks before the mods gave him a slap and took
it down. This annoyed him somewhat and in
response he spent valuable time making a
t-shirt to celebrate his love of the brown. Ha.
Take that Facebook.
http://snipurl.com/iloveheroin
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Inappropriate Actors Challenge Results
Last week we wanted you to portray actors
playing inappropriate roles.
Your favourites included:
* CHRISTOPHER REEVE - meets his nemesis in this
beautiful tale of equine romance (Koit)
* STEVIE WONDER - as a hard-bitten, hard-nosed
cop facing difficulty at every turn (Donkey
Gums)
* HEATHER MILLS - brilliantly re-enacting *that
scene* from Basic Instinct (dbroon)
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/actors/
>> New challenge: Infidels! <<
In the West we love berating our enemies around
the globe, but how do you think they see us? Do
we live in caves and go to the toilet wherever
we want? Fire up Photoshop and make some
propaganda against the West. Challenge
suggested by Friz.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/infidels/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
DIY SHOCKSITE VIRAL - "I just wrote
'www.cupchicks.com' on 300 quid's worth of
tenners," titters SickRik with ghoulish glee,
the evil swine. Needless to say, this is
another url for shock site du jour '2 girls 1
cup'. You'd be well advised to follow this line
of enquiry no further. And think twice before
using such a tenner to pay the nice lady at the
sweet counter in Woolworths.
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: FRIDAY GAME
Super-fun wordy double bill!
>> Word web <<
Word association game. Fill up the whole
network by guessing the connections between
words. We're not sure we really got the trick
of it, but it certainly kept us entertained for
a number of minutes.
http://shygypsy.com/farm/p.cgi
>> What's the definition? <<
You're presented with a word and four choices
of possible meaning. Simple enough. The twist?
They're donating rice to hungry people for
every answer you get right. Actually, one of
these where they send increasing amounts of
pizza round our house would be quite nice.
http://www.freerice.com/index.php
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* REALITY TV SHOW - "infiltrate a group of
extremist Islamic militants and replace their
bombs with devices that'll knock them out for a
day or two. Then, when they wake up, they'll be
in heaven, but it'll be a twist, it will be our
televised whacky version of heaven. They'll be
all the different religious leaders, who'll
force them to do 'tasks' every day, like 'Swim
the equivalent of The Channel'. They will win
their virgins, except with a twist, they'll all
be pre-op transsexual male-to-females." (Thanks
to 90Nz0 for this suggestion.)
* LOLBOB DYLAN - Remake the Subterranean
Homesick Blues video with a big Dylan cat and
cards saying, "I'm in ur basement mixing ur
medicine." (Thanks Rob Wakefield)
* ICHAT LEE HAZELWOOD AND NANCY SINATRA - make
a cheapo live performance video for Did You
Ever using a instant message application.
LEEHAZELWOOD48: Did you ever? NANCY16: All the
time.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Grubbymitts,
Admiral_T, patrickolemouche, sallyannmorrison,
We are the lemon, thiess914, pixelmixer, Ben
Goldacre, Toist, kowali, John_Anon_Smith, hahn
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Newsletter title from The Artist Formerly Known
As Crab Bloke. Xing the Y from Wicca'd Witch.
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NOT VERY SICKIPEDIA BUT PROBABLY STILL IN
POPBITCH NEXT WEEK: A chicken walks up to a
duck stood at the side of the road, and says
'Don't do it mate, you'll never hear the end of
it!'
http://www.sickipedia.org/
