NEWSLETTER: "PIG MEAT - IT'S SNORTY BUT NICE"
This Week:
* QUESTION - Have you witnessed a crime?
* WEEBL - Alien rapist in cupboard
* VIDEO - DIY Star Wars
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "Free Th3tan
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| for every reader"
B3ta email 315 - 15th Feb 2008
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue315/
Gatorade/Whiskey: [email protected]
Anti-freeze: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
: SPONSORED LINKY
There will be blood...
Guts, gore and violence; see them all and more
on The Discovery Channel's Fight Quest. Click
here for the grizzly footage...
http://tinyurl.com/226782
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Estate Agent, Star Wars, Women and Religion
>> Estate Agent <<
Here's Weebl with what we can only presume is
the first in a series of day-in-the-life
blog-style animations. At least, this is what
we imagine his everyday life is like, with the
music and, er, brightly-coloured things.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/The+Estate+Agent...
>> Star Wars with boxes <<
Low-fi sci-fi. Ah, we're so pleased with
ourselves for writing that we almost can't be
bothered to praise this cardboardy version of
the Lucasfilm epic. But that would be wrong -
nice work from Parrott and the cave monsters.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Star_Wars_Sweded
>> Grey bloke on women <<
Madriot's deadpan hero gives us the benefit of
his insights into feminine psychology. As
longtime fans will be aware, graybloke is
currently very single and spends every waking
hour in a chair in front of the internet.
http://b3ta.com/links/Grey_blokes_thoughts_on_wome...
>> Religious leaflet says you're a murderer <<
Not so much a 'made' as 'found on the doormat
and scanned in', but a good spot by Furness.
Its method for encouraging you into church
is... a tad confrontational.
http://www.furnessworld.com/ReligiousLeaflet.html
-------------------------------------------------
: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Mix Tapes
Last week we asked for stories revolving around
mix tapes you'd made for people, despite loads
of our younger readers not knowing what the
hell we were talking about. So read 'itunes
playlist' if you like new rave.
http://b3ta.com/questions/mixtapes/
Usually we'd list three short, funny stories to
cheer up your Friday afternoon. This week we
want you to go and make a cup of tea, take the
phone off the hook and settle down to A Bean
Countin' Man's life story. You'll need some
tissues:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/mixtapes/post120496
And here's one funny story to lighten the mood
a little:
* ROCKY GOES FOR A JOG - "I put a collection of
uplifting, motivational music on my ipod, for
jogging around a local park in the evenings.
Mostly completely shocking things like The
Final Countdown, the new Batman theme and some
crap euro football song called Campione. Which
resulted in me fighting off a mugger to "Eye of
the Tiger". It was the single, greatest moment
of my life. Lost my wallet though." (The Holy
One)
>> This Week's Question <<
Have you witnessed a crime and done nothing
about it? Or are you the have-a-go-hero type
beloved of the tabloids? Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/witness/
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like made by people we hate
>> Crayons Reviewed <<
There's a school of thought that all this
photoshop nonsense is really a step backwards
from using pencils, scissors and glue.
Reactionary thought maybe, but that's our
opinion after reading this humorous review of
crayons from the conceit of computer users not
knowing what a pencil is even for.
http://blogoscoped.com/archive/2008-02-11-n78.html
>> Obligatory comedy Amazon item of the week <<
What kind of idiot would want an adjustable
book holder fitted to a car steering wheel? A
big stupid idiot that's what. BTW: whilst we're
mentioning crappy Amazon lols, we recently had
to buy some rope to fix a washing line, and a
quick look online to find some prices, and was
amused to note the 'customers have also bought'
list consisted of about 5 books and DVDs on
bondage.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000EX3N5C/...
>> Catholic fancy dress costumes <<
The problem with modern fancy dress costumes,
according to these Christians at least, is that
it's tantamount to dressing kids as child
whores, so why not dress up your kids as the
pope or your favourite saint. As the site
points out, "Little boys just seem to be drawn
to the dramatic. For older children portraying
St. Francis, add blood for his stigmata."
Frankly, if the prices were a bit cheaper and
it didn't cost so much to import from the
states, the Ginger Fuhrer's first born would now
be dressed as a small pope.
http://snipurl.com/minipopes
>> French Underarm Hair Blog <<
Zut alors! Le Frenchies femmes are le stinky
avec under arm cheveu! Ok, we all know this,
and real men don't mind the odd pit of pit tash
anyway, but what kind of pervert blogs every
instance of hairy marys in film? The type of
pervert we like to feature in the b3ta
newsletter, that's what. BTW: True connoisseurs
of this type of filth are directed to Siouxsie
& The Banshees performance of Dear Prudence.
Just saying like.
http://aisselles.canalblog.com/
>> Worst Guardian columnist ever? <<
"Either this is a spoof, or the Guardian has
fucked up enormously", barks Grey Kid, "But the
stream of vitriol comments already being aimed
at 19-year-old backpacker-blogger (and very
possibly son of a Guardian travel writer, it
transpires), 'Max', is promising to make this
one of the funniest blogs on the Internet. He
hasn't even set off yet, and people are falling
over themselves to destroy him. 430+ comments!
hahah, there were like 30 when I first saw it."
http://blogs.guardian.co.uk/travelog/2008/02/skins...
>> How to fuck dogs <<
A link included simply because it pleased your
Fuhrer's wife - not that she has sex with dogs,
not in our living memory anyway.
http://www.zoophile.net/howto-k9-sex-02.php
-------------------------------------------------
: SPONSORED LINKY DUEX
The dance-off. It’s on like Donkey Kong.
We all reckon we can cut some serious shapes on
the dance-floor, but this lot are really worth
checking out. Our money’s on Caroline, a
housewife from Pott Shrigley who spins 80’s
robotics like she’s baking biscuits. Priceless.
http://tinyurl.com/249h2p
-------------------------------------------------
: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
B3tamax lols
>> Luminous drummer <<
Bloke covering himself in glow-in-the-dark
paint to become a sort of musical stickman.
Interesting effect, also nice drumming.
http://b3ta.com/links/My_friend_is_pretty_good_at_...
>> Charlie Brooker is right about everything <<
Loving paean to the evergreen Guardian
columnist and TV pundit. We like the idea of
him being horrified by the idea that he has
acolytes. Great chorus on this btw.
http://snipurl.com/the-brooker-prize
>> I Love Noodles <<
Two guys competing to see who loves noodles the
most. Beautiful and moving and can you see
where this is going?
http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Movies/daveshort2....
>> Krankees revival <<
Well no, clearly this isn't but that does add a
certain frisson to the WTF factor of this
peculiar gimp and midget dance number.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/158859
-------------------------------------------------
: NINTENDO DS HOMEBREW
Ever since we bought our DS we've wanted to be
able to play emulators on it (or even dare we
say, the odd hooky download), but the solutions
offered were really hacky. The great news is
the R4 finally solves this - just copy your
downloads to a mini-sd flash drive and plug
into the DS cart sized adapter. No weird
software, bridging devices or cables required.
We're mentioning this as we've just bought one
and it's reawakened our love for the DS.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000ZLYGC...
-------------------------------------------------
: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Animal Instruments
Last week we wanted you to genetically engineer
animals into musical instruments, sadly we
don't run a newsletter for rogue scientists, so
you used photoshop instead.
However we quite liked the following:
* SEAL CLUBBING - Bass! Polar can you go! Nice
work from Butters here (we like him, he drew
the shitting thing last week.)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8042364
* GORILLA PLAYS COLLINS - probably what
Cadbury's actually had in mind when they
commissioned their last round of advertising.
(Tapeworm)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8044309
* MORE COWBELL - call us catchphrase cunts, but
we can't hear Don't Fear The Reaper without
playing air cowbell. Yep, we are losers.
(dbroon)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8042026
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/animalinstruments/
>> New challenge: Scientology <<
Poor old Scientology, mocked by almost
everyone, only B3ta can save it now. And with
friends like us, it doesn't need enemies. So
praise be to Theta and here's to the new regime
of Sciento'lol'ogy.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/scientology/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* DUST - Apparently we were guilty of spreading
false information the other week in claiming
that dust is mostly human skin. "Household dust
is in fact almost entirely comprised of insect
waste, pollen, sand, fine-particled food such
as flour and dirt and the dander of animals
whose skin sheds at a faster and greater rate
than humans," informs Jimbotfu. "The
"bacon/meaty" odour of heaters is in fact
primarily a mix of the smell of the heating
coils themselves and spider shit
http://www.livescience.com/mysteries/070208_dust_s...
* UNREAD POST - Postman Yamon writes to tell us
that a blog showing other people's undelivered
mail would be legally dicey. "It's naughty in
the extreme," he warns. "Until the missive is
delivered to its official recipient it is
classified as property of HRH Liz mk2 and
tampering with her property is tantamount to
treason, the last known hangable offence under
UK law.
"What I am legally bound by the terms of my
contract of employment to tell you about what
we refer to in the Office as, "Dead Letters",
is thus:-
'If you receive a letter that is for a
previous occupant or for someone that is
unknown to you, please write, "Addressee Gone
Away" or, "Addressee Unknown", on the exterior
of the letter, then at your own convenience,
post it back into a post box where it will
then be sent for reprocessing.'
"Reprocessing means it'll end up back on your
Posty's work frame, where he/she then has to
put a red sticker onto it, date it, tick a box,
sign it, then send it over to a bloke with a
big piece of blue chalk who then validates it
for return to whoever sent it in the first
place. If that sounds like a bit of a pain in
the arse then let me assure you that it is. So
a good way to really piss your Postie off is to
save up 6 months' worth of dead letters, then
plop them back into a postbox all in one go
with ,"Unknown", scribbled on them.
"My own unofficial stance is one of, 'Fuck it.
If it was important then they would have let
the sender know that they have moved in the
first place.'"
* WE ARE STARS - Or so says Freakpower's Ash
who has been riding the waves of internerd love
after the newsletter plug for his gig the other
week. "They've been telling me I'm A-list now,"
he beams. "I hope I won't have to shag that
Jordan." Woo!
-------------------------------------------------
: FRIDAY GAME
Hooray! and Boo! game
'When me and my mates were kids, we used to
play the "HOOORAY! and BOO!" game,' roars
fazza99, 'The rules are pretty simple: Someone
suggests something that makes everyone go
"HOOORAY!" and someone else has to come up with
a answer that makes people go "BOO!" e.g. "My
folks are going away for a week (HOORAY!) My
baby-sitter's Gary Glitter (BOO!)"'
Or if you fancy your Friday gaming treats to be
new school, then we've been enjoying this. It's
on the web and everything. Woo hoo!
http://www.flashninjaclan.com/zzz883.php
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* KNIT YOURSELF A HAT - using the gunky hair in
your shower plug hole.
* WATERING CAN TRUMPET ORCHESTRA- as a kid we
look a few trombone lessons, and there's a
certain way to purse your lips to get a note
out of the damn thing. We also found it worked
quite well on our mums watering can. Maybe you
could fill it with different levels of water to
produce the notes of the scale. Or maybe not.
* CRUFTS FOR WIFES - it's not just about looks,
it's about obedience. And a few impressive
'tricks'.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
-------------------------------------------------
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Double 2,
the_log_knows, MrGomez, intesvensk. Additional
linkage and image challenge by Fraser 'Not Frasier'
Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW some chick. Masthead
quotey bit from gfreeman.
-------------------------------------------------
TOP TIP:
"I have a top tip for your newsletter", chirps
Lumpbucket, "If you put an After Eight on top
of a chocolate digestive, it tastes exactly the
same as a mint Viscount biscuit.
-------------------------------------------------
SICKIPEDIA:
What do you call an African who doesn't have
AIDS? A virgin.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
