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This Week:
* QUESTION - Have you witnessed a crime?
* WEEBL - Alien rapist in cupboard
* VIDEO - DIY Star Wars

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |      
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |      "Free Th3tan 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|       for every reader"

B3ta email 315 - 15th Feb 2008

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  There will be blood...

  Guts, gore and violence; see them all and more
  on The Discovery Channel's Fight Quest. Click
  here for the grizzly footage...

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Estate Agent, Star Wars, Women and Religion

  >> Estate Agent <<
  Here's Weebl with what we can only presume is
  the first in a series of day-in-the-life
  blog-style animations. At least, this is what
  we imagine his everyday life is like, with the
  music and, er, brightly-coloured things.

  >> Star Wars with boxes <<
  Low-fi sci-fi. Ah, we're so pleased with
  ourselves for writing that we almost can't be
  bothered to praise this cardboardy version of
  the Lucasfilm epic. But that would be wrong -
  nice work from Parrott and the cave monsters.

  >> Grey bloke on women <<
  Madriot's deadpan hero gives us the benefit of
  his insights into feminine psychology. As
  longtime fans will be aware, graybloke is
  currently very single and spends every waking
  hour in a chair in front of the internet.

  >> Religious leaflet says you're a murderer <<
  Not so much a 'made' as 'found on the doormat
  and scanned in', but a good spot by Furness.
  Its method for encouraging you into church
  is... a tad confrontational.


  Mix Tapes

  Last week we asked for stories revolving around
  mix tapes you'd made for people, despite loads
  of our younger readers not knowing what the
  hell we were talking about. So read 'itunes
  playlist' if you like new rave.

  Usually we'd list three short, funny stories to
  cheer up your Friday afternoon. This week we
  want you to go and make a cup of tea, take the
  phone off the hook and settle down to A Bean
  Countin' Man's life story. You'll need some

  And here's one funny story to lighten the mood
  a little:
  * ROCKY GOES FOR A JOG - "I put a collection of
  uplifting, motivational music on my ipod, for
  jogging around a local park in the evenings.
  Mostly completely shocking things like The
  Final Countdown, the new Batman theme and some
  crap euro football song called Campione. Which
  resulted in me fighting off a mugger to "Eye of
  the Tiger". It was the single, greatest moment
  of my life. Lost my wallet though." (The Holy

  >> This Week's Question <<
  Have you witnessed a crime and done nothing
  about it? Or are you the have-a-go-hero type
  beloved of the tabloids? Talk to us here:


  Stuff we like made by people we hate

  >> Crayons Reviewed <<
  There's a school of thought that all this
  photoshop nonsense is really a step backwards
  from using pencils, scissors and glue.
  Reactionary thought maybe, but that's our
  opinion after reading this humorous review of
  crayons from the conceit of computer users not
  knowing what a pencil is even for.

  >> Obligatory comedy Amazon item of the week <<
  What kind of idiot would want an adjustable
  book holder fitted to a car steering wheel? A
  big stupid idiot that's what. BTW: whilst we're
  mentioning crappy Amazon lols, we recently had
  to buy some rope to fix a washing line, and a
  quick look online to find some prices, and was
  amused to note the 'customers have also bought'
  list consisted of about 5 books and DVDs on

  >> Catholic fancy dress costumes <<
  The problem with modern fancy dress costumes,
  according to these Christians at least, is that
  it's tantamount to dressing kids as child
  whores, so why not dress up your kids as the
  pope or your favourite saint. As the site
  points out, "Little boys just seem to be drawn
  to the dramatic. For older children portraying
  St. Francis, add blood for his stigmata."
  Frankly, if the prices were a bit cheaper and
  it didn't cost so much to import from the
  states, the Ginger Fuhrer's first born would now
  be dressed as a small pope.

  >> French Underarm Hair Blog <<
  Zut alors! Le Frenchies femmes are le stinky
  avec under arm cheveu! Ok, we all know this,
  and real men don't mind the odd pit of pit tash
  anyway, but what kind of pervert blogs every
  instance of hairy marys in film? The type of
  pervert we like to feature in the b3ta
  newsletter, that's what. BTW: True connoisseurs
  of this type of filth are directed to Siouxsie
  & The Banshees performance of Dear Prudence.
  Just saying like.

  >> Worst Guardian columnist ever? <<
  "Either this is a spoof, or the Guardian has
  fucked up enormously", barks Grey Kid, "But the
  stream of vitriol comments already being aimed
  at 19-year-old backpacker-blogger (and very
  possibly son of a Guardian travel writer, it
  transpires), 'Max', is promising to make this
  one of the funniest blogs on the Internet. He
  hasn't even set off yet, and people are falling
  over themselves to destroy him. 430+ comments!
  hahah, there were like 30 when I first saw it."

  >> How to fuck dogs <<
  A link included simply because it pleased your
  Fuhrer's wife - not that she has sex with dogs,
  not in our living memory anyway.


  The dance-off. It’s on like Donkey Kong.

  We all reckon we can cut some serious shapes on
  the dance-floor, but this lot are really worth
  checking out.  Our money’s on Caroline, a
  housewife from Pott Shrigley who spins 80’s
  robotics like she’s baking biscuits. Priceless. 


  B3tamax lols

  >> Luminous drummer <<
  Bloke covering himself in glow-in-the-dark
  paint to become a sort of musical stickman.
  Interesting effect, also nice drumming.

  >> Charlie Brooker is right about everything <<
  Loving paean to the evergreen Guardian
  columnist and TV pundit. We like the idea of
  him being horrified by the idea that he has
  acolytes. Great chorus on this btw.

  >> I Love Noodles << 
  Two guys competing to see who loves noodles the
  most. Beautiful and moving and can you see
  where this is going? 

  >> Krankees revival <<
  Well no, clearly this isn't but that does add a
  certain frisson to the WTF factor of this
  peculiar gimp and midget dance number.


  Ever since we bought our DS we've wanted to be
  able to play emulators on it (or even dare we
  say, the odd hooky download), but the solutions
  offered were really hacky. The great news is
  the R4 finally solves this - just copy your
  downloads to a mini-sd flash drive and plug
  into the DS cart sized adapter. No weird
  software, bridging devices or cables required.
  We're mentioning this as we've just bought one
  and it's reawakened our love for the DS.


  Results from the Animal Instruments 

  Last week we wanted you to genetically engineer
  animals into musical instruments, sadly we
  don't run a newsletter for rogue scientists, so
  you used photoshop instead.

  However we quite liked the following:
  * SEAL CLUBBING - Bass! Polar can you go! Nice
  work from Butters here (we like him, he drew
  the shitting thing last week.)

  * GORILLA PLAYS COLLINS - probably what
  Cadbury's actually had in mind when they
  commissioned their last round of advertising.

  * MORE COWBELL - call us catchphrase cunts, but
  we can't hear Don't Fear The Reaper without
  playing air cowbell. Yep, we are losers.

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Scientology <<
  Poor old Scientology, mocked by almost
  everyone, only B3ta can save it now. And with
  friends like us, it doesn't need enemies. So
  praise be to Theta and here's to the new regime
  of Sciento'lol'ogy.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * DUST - Apparently we were guilty of spreading
  false information the other week in claiming
  that dust is mostly human skin. "Household dust
  is in fact almost entirely comprised of insect
  waste, pollen, sand, fine-particled food such
  as flour and dirt and the dander of animals
  whose skin sheds at a faster and greater rate
  than humans," informs Jimbotfu. "The
  "bacon/meaty" odour of heaters is in fact
  primarily a mix of the smell of the heating
  coils themselves and spider shit

  * UNREAD POST - Postman Yamon writes to tell us
  that a blog showing other people's undelivered
  mail would be legally dicey. "It's naughty in
  the extreme," he warns. "Until the missive is
  delivered to its official recipient it is
  classified as property of HRH Liz mk2 and
  tampering with her property is tantamount to
  treason, the last known hangable offence under
  UK law.

  "What I am legally bound by the terms of my
  contract of employment to tell you about what
  we refer to in the Office as, "Dead Letters",
  is thus:-

   'If you receive a letter that is for a
   previous occupant or for someone that is
   unknown to you, please write, "Addressee Gone
   Away" or, "Addressee Unknown", on the exterior
   of the letter, then at your own convenience,
   post it back into a post box where it will
   then be sent for reprocessing.'

  "Reprocessing means it'll end up back on your
  Posty's work frame, where he/she then has to
  put a red sticker onto it, date it, tick a box,
  sign it, then send it over to a bloke with a
  big piece of blue chalk who then validates it
  for return to whoever sent it in the first
  place. If that sounds like a bit of a pain in
  the arse then let me assure you that it is. So
  a good way to really piss your Postie off is to
  save up 6 months' worth of dead letters, then
  plop them back into a postbox all in one go
  with ,"Unknown", scribbled on them.

  "My own unofficial stance is one of, 'Fuck it.
  If it was important then they would have let
  the sender know that they have moved in the
  first place.'"
  * WE ARE STARS - Or so says Freakpower's Ash
  who has been riding the waves of internerd love
  after the newsletter plug for his gig the other
  week. "They've been telling me I'm A-list now,"
  he beams. "I hope I won't have to shag that
  Jordan." Woo!


  Hooray! and Boo! game

  'When me and my mates were kids, we used to
  play the "HOOORAY! and BOO!" game,' roars
  fazza99, 'The rules are pretty simple: Someone
  suggests something that makes everyone go
  "HOOORAY!" and someone else has to come up with
  a answer that makes people go "BOO!"  e.g. "My
  folks are going away for a week (HOORAY!) My
  baby-sitter's Gary Glitter (BOO!)"'

  Or if you fancy your Friday gaming treats to be
  new school, then we've been enjoying this. It's
  on the web and everything. Woo hoo!



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * KNIT YOURSELF A HAT - using the gunky hair in
  your shower plug hole.

  look a few trombone lessons, and there's a
  certain way to purse your lips to get a note
  out of the damn thing. We also found it worked
  quite well on our mums watering can. Maybe you
  could fill it with different levels of water to
  produce the notes of the scale. Or maybe not.

  * CRUFTS FOR WIFES - it's not just about looks,
  it's about obedience. And a few impressive

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Double 2,
  the_log_knows, MrGomez, intesvensk. Additional
  linkage and image challenge by Fraser 'Not Frasier'
  Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW some chick. Masthead
  quotey bit from gfreeman.

  "I have a top tip for your newsletter", chirps
  Lumpbucket, "If you put an After Eight on top
  of a chocolate digestive, it tastes exactly the
  same as a mint Viscount biscuit.


  What do you call an African who doesn't have
  AIDS? A virgin. 

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