NEWSLETTER: "YOUR INBOX IS A JERSEY CARE HOME AND WE'RE THE POLICE"
This Week:
* FOOD - Eggnog pancakes
* QUIZ - Guess my crime
* LOLS - Things white people like
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "The font used by Durex
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | on most of their
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| marketing is 'FF Cocon'"
B3ta email 317 - 29 Feb 2008
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue317/
Harry: [email protected]
William: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
: SPONSORED LINK
GPS ART
Do you want to be an artist, but don't have the
balls? Meet Stavros, he's got enough for both
of you.
http://tinyurl.com/2n9olo
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Eggnog, Cake, Shopping and Tea
>> Eggnog pancakes <<
"I wasted a recent Sunday afternoon making
myself sick", proudly boasts Mr M, "I wondered
if it's possible to fry eggnog, so I decided to
put it to the test." And the result? "The
eggnog pancakes were almost tasty, but a bit
sickly." Points awarded for the comment "it
tastes like burnt" and appetising photos that
could grace the Observer Food Monthly - give
this man his own cooking show.
http://snipurl.com/dont-egg-him-on
>> Joel's internet fatty video <<
Mr Veitch is serving a musical meal to B3tards,
progressing from singing about Hover Bacon, to
a lyrical dessert entitled "I like cake."
Having actually dined with Joel on many
occasions, we know this is a lie, as he usually
chooses a meat dessert. Really. We've seen him
eat a main course of ham followed by more ham
for afters. And when people ask for coffee,
Joel asks the waiter for extra ham.
http://icanhaz.com/cakey
>> Jonti vs Mike Skinner <<
For reasons best known to himself, Picking has
morphed into a northern version of The Streets.
If you enjoyed his first Late Night Shopping
trip then give this a go.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Late+Night+Shopp...
>> 2 Boys 1 Cup <<
A very British answer to that most famous of
internet movies, 2 Girls 1 Cup. The overacting
amuses us so props to RichJohnston for that.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/2_Boys_1_Cup_and_SFW
-------------------------------------------------
: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Instant Karma
Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes
and complete horse shit into one handy place on
the interweb.
Last week we asked you you explain your
thoughts about the Hindu concept of Karma. Next
week we're doing The Mysterious Pastimes of
Mohini-murti.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/karma/
* COLD TURKEY - 'One Christmas I was
investigating the fridge when I discovered a
huge bowl of brandy butter. I was about to reap
the rewards of my find, when my sister walked
into the kitchen. "You shouldn't eat that", she
said flatly. "Oh really!?" I asked, "and why
not exactly, will you tell?" I then performed a
dance around the kitchen table clutching the
bowl, while I sang "will you tell, will you
tell, WILL YOU TELL????" At the climax of this
performance I scooped an enormous handful of
the stuff into my mouth, which turned out to be
translucent wobbly chicken fat.' (browser)
* GIMME SOME TRUTH - "I work with a man who is
utterly abhorrent. He's an arrogant American
chap who, at Christmas, rammed his version of
festivity down the entire office's neck. This
included lots of tinsel, a singing nativity set
and an advent calendar that he guarded WITH HIS
LIFE. So, one of the guys ate the largest
chocolate (designated for Christmas Eve) and
left a note (link below) in its place. I'm not
sure it's strictly karma, but it was fucking
awesome." (Fictional Emma)
http://img89.imageshack.us/img89/5083/spa0148ys0.j...
* GIVE PEACE A CHANCE - "I'm a firm beliver in
Karma. So much so that when bad or unfair
things happen to me for no reason, I go out and
kick a child in the face, just to balance
things out." (FerretTrout)
>> Have you ever seen a dead body? <<
This week we're asking about cadavers, corpses
and stiffs, so it should be super-lols all
round.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/deadbodies/
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Guess my crime <<
Entertaining name-and-shame-based website. You
get the mugshots - how good are you at judging
people's inner criminal? The weird thing about
this is how unrelentingly cheerful they all are.
http://guessmycrime.blogspot.com/
>> Celebrity money <<
Apparently this is a current craze in the UK -
folding over banknotes and matching them up to
people's pictures to create half-man,
half-Queen monstrosities. Actually, some of
these ones look quite convincing. Who would
have thought the Mr Bean look was so popular in
Indonesia?
http://snipurl.com/notable-people
>> Stuff White People Like <<
Tongue-in-cheek outsider's guide to dealing
with whites. We particularly like the bit about
recycling. "The best advice is that if you plan
to deal with white people on regular basis
either start recycling or purchase a large blue
bin so that they can believe they are
recycling."
http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com/
>> World's worst science fair projects <<
It's like a Fat Chicks in Party Hats where the
afflicted write their own mocking captions.
Poor kids. But: "Crystal Meth. Friend or Foe?"
Heh.
http://snipurl.com/sciencetwats
>> The Man Who Thought He Was Bill Murray <<
Peculiar, short, stick-figure animation about a
clearly deluded man. It does that robot-voice
thing that we hate so much. But just towards
the end something rather odd happens and we had
to watch it all over again.
http://whereisthemoon.com/words/15
>> Hitlers earn decent money <<
We were mildly tickled to see that this
employment website is clearly doing a little
recruitment work for a Fourth Reich. Hope the
medical plan is good.
http://www.indeed.com/salary
>> Bacon cups <<
Not getting enough mileage out of your bacon?
Looking for a special new way to drink
champagne? Bacon cups are the answer and you'll
find your instructions here:
http://www.notmartha.org/archives/2008/02/27/bacon...
-------------------------------------------------
: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
This week, lamenting the loss of Stage6
>> Paper Animation <<
Your newsletter team of Rob and Dave have spent
the last month cutting up bits of paper for a
new project called Mr Pitchy, we can't show you
yet, but we're dreadfully excited by it. Hence,
we're now mildly obsessed with paper-based
animation, including this marvellous technique
expressed here:
http://www.javanivey.com/my_paper_mind.html
>> "Hello Sophie, would you like some air?" <<
Bizarre film of someone pumping compressed air
into a dog's face. Ms Doggie can feel the force
but can't see a thing and literally attacks
thin air. 10 lols out of 10.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/162708
>> Argument to Beethoven's 5th <<
Lovely bit of old B&W film showing a married
couple arguing, every accusatory thrust of the
finger timed to a jab of an orchestra. An idea
so strong and well-executed it completely
transcends the stiff hair and clothes of period
detail.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Argument_to_Beethovens_5...
>> Hai Karate <<
It's all in the build up - our old English
teacher would have called it bathos, but we
call it OUCH!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Best_Karate_punch_EVAR
-------------------------------------------------
: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Nonce Paolini! FFS! Nonce!
Cynthiakennedy writes, "I give you the top
commercial broadcaster in France, TF1 CEO Nonce
Paolini. Can you imagine what it must be like
when he goes through passport control in the
UK?"
http://www.bouygues.fr/us/fiches/cv_noncepaolini.h...
-------------------------------------------------
: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Moustache Challenge
Last week we wanted you to celebrate the humble
lip fringe.
Your favourites included:
* ISLAND - a worthy winner for its cunning use
of landscape (mictoboy)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8080618
* YMCA - Lord Kitchener, updated for the disco
era (strontium190)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8081721
* MONEY - striking fiscal development of the
celebrated 'sleeveface' meme (Spunky McPunk)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8097541
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/moustache/
>> New challenge: New Logos For Old <<
These days when a company fucks up there's no
need to apologise, just get in some graphic
designers and re-brand. We at B3ta are generous
to a fault, and rather than see these companies
spend millions, we'd like you to come up with
new, better logos that sum up the companies you
love to hate.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/newlogos/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* BEER-BARREL R2 D2 - b3tard Amoebaboy has been
crafting a beautiful, antique-style droid. Now
he's thinking about getting rid of it, with
quite a few cash offers coming in. Or maybe a
raffle. Anyway, check it out - it's lovely:
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8080326
* STICKS AND BALLS - In our gleeful rush to
write up the golfing double-entendre film last
week we neglected to mention that it was an
entry for the Straight8 competition. It's a
method of making films without editing and the
annual competition can be found at:
http://www.straight8.net
* LOW-FI JURASSIC PARK - Another b3tard riffing
off the Be Kind Rewind meme. Ornsack's
'dinosaur' special effects are particularly
amusing.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Jurassic_Park_Sweded
* WANKOMETER - Last week we pondered the
results of attaching a pedometer to your wrist
when indulging in self-love. "My wrist
apparently travelled 1.4km during one session,
and I burnt a measly 56 calories," confesses
Humpty Dumpty was Pushed. "I was about 15 at
the time."
* SLEEPING RABBIT IS DEAD! - Our cute section
last week was subject to a cruel hoax, claims
b3tard The Troubleshooter. It was actually
footage of a rabbit having a heart attack,
reversed to give the illusion that it had
awoken from a deep sleep. He has take the
trouble to re-reverse the tape by means of
illustration. Hmm. Not sure which side of the
fence we should come down on that one. It's a
little disturbing, for sure.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
* MORE INTERESTING GUARDIAN BLOG - Rather than
giving the blog to that gap year guy that
everybody hated, "Why not try the bloke off the
news a few weeks back who was walking to India
with no money?" asks harry kumquat. True
enough, especially as the scheme seems fraught
with peril. No money? No money at all? Christ.
BREAKING NEWS: he's given up because, not
speaking a word of French, he was unable to
convince them he wasn't a vagrant. Oh dear.
http://www.justfortheloveofit.org/pilgrim.php#52
* MONEY TEA - "I really wouldn't recommend it.
Ever," warns nowhere elysium. "There's an
alarming tendency with old people to stuff
money into their mattress, as opposed to
putting it into a bank account.
"Imagine the scene: Doris has been putting
aside random tens and twenties for 'a rainy
day'. Of course, these go into/under the
mattress, because it's an incredibly safe
place, apparently.
"Now, Doris, being old, does the likely thing,
and dies in her sleep. Poor Doris. Of course,
being a bit of a shut-in, Doris isn't
discovered for some time. So, her bed has not
only become a death bed, it's had a dead person
on it for a few days/weeks/whatever. What do
dead people do when unsupervised (Mark
Dixie-alikes aside)? They rot. And seep. And
leak.
"All manner of horrible dead person juices seep
over the notes which they have cunningly
secreted in their bed.
"Note: I haven't made this up. I used to know
someone who had worked for the Bank of England,
and this is a depressingly common occurrence,
I'm told. That, plus the huge amount of drugs
that are snorted using notes, you can kind of
imagine that they get a bit minging after, ooh,
five seconds?"
That's us told.
-------------------------------------------------
: FRIDAY GAME
Ball thingie
In what is probably our favourite flash game
since Kebabtris, comes 'Filler' which defies
description but if it was available on our
mobile phone we'd never get off the bus.
http://www.freegamesnews.com/en/games/2008/Filler....
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something awesome and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* OUTOFBUSINESSCARDS.COM - an online art
exhibition of the business cards failed web
companies.
* PHONE RING/VIBRATE BATTERY TEST - Agent Muu
writes, "As I am drunk I wonder... what takes
more energy for a cell phone; to vibrate or to
ring? Surely the energy needed to rotate the
little thingy that makes it vibrate takes
more... torque, or something. I don't know.
Maybe someone does?"
* A CAMPAIGN AGAINST SERVIETTES - forget all
this stuff about too many plastic bags, why is
it whenever we buy a sandwich, about six
napkins are doled out with it?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
-------------------------------------------------
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by
thelivinggrahambond, Dr-Mx, a username,
collapsibletank, Veovis, We are the lemon and
Don_Elliot. Geeky font facts from gaijintendo_.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Subjectlinelols via mutster101.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
-------------------------------------------------
TOP TIP:
Athletes! Draw attention away from the fact
that you've taken steroids by running really
slowly.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/
-------------------------------------------------
SICKIPEDIA:
What's long and hard and makes women groan? An
ironing board.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
