NEWSLETTER: "I FOR ONE WELCOME OUR NEW BUMBLING IDIOT OVERLORD"
This Week:
* NOSTALGIA - Beach Boys v Finger of Fudge
* DANGER - Recreate Tron on your bike
* CUTE - Lovely kitten sitting in a bowl
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "B3ta - Official ITV
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | Comedy Website Award
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| winner 2005"
B3ta email 327 - 09 May 2008
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue327/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
: SPONSORED LINK
Work in viral advertising
You know those viral ads you occasionally
watch? The ones where you think to yourself
“what kind of overpaid twat wrote that - my
gran could do better”? Well if you fancy having
a crack and you fancy earning some extra money
now and then doing some freelance viral ad
writing, send us an email, along with anything
you’ve done that you think is relevant. By the
way, if you have never written a TV ad in your
life, then you’re better qualified than most of
the people in big agencies.
email ed AT theviralfactory.com
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Fudge, Buggery and the M6
>> Finger of Fudge v Beach Boys <<
We're not normally big followers of teh mashup,
but CCC's collision of 60s pop and 80s classic
advertising made us smile. Didn't make us want
to eat a Finger of Fudge though. Possibly
because that was our dad's slang name for child
shit.
http://b3ta.com/links/Wouldnt_It_Be_Nice_To_Have_A...
>> Paedophile's musical self-justification <<
Famed DJ and convicted child molester Jonathan
King is an intermittent visitor to the b3ta
forums and has posted his song 'There's Nothing
Wrong With Buggering Boys'. It's a bizarre way
to behave, really, courting the public's hatred.
Song is quite amusing, and the b3ta regulars
(unsurprisingly) rip him a new one.
http://snipurl.com/omg-no [b3ta_com]
>> M6 sit-com <<
230 Miles of Love is a sketch show about the
M6. It's also available to listen to while
driving the M6, via the magic of sat nav.
Ajshanahan, who made it, claims it's funnier
than the Fast Show etc etc. We're just
impressed with the idea of
geographically-specific broadcasts like that.
http://www.230milesoflove.com
-------------------------------------------------
: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Pet Peeves
Last week we asked for your pet peeves so that
we could laugh at your impotent rage:
http://b3ta.com/questions/peeves/
* DEATH - "I find it pissing annoying that I'll
have to die, and what's even worse is it will
be after only about 80 years! What the fuck is
going to take place that's remotely exciting
in the 60 or so years I might have left? Nothing.
Are we going to terra-form Mars in that time?
No fucking way. Are we going to have world
peace and an end to prejudice so I don't have
to walk down a street without hearing some cock
going on about 'bloody Poles/Pakis/Chinks'? No.
Are we going to have widespread adoption of
teleportation ending the hegemony of oil? No.
Am I going to get any good at pool in that
time? No. Are we going to make contact with
an alien race, let alone for long enough to
deduce their inevitably bizarre language enough
that we can have meaningful conversations about
esoteric topics such as 'if you go back in time
2000 years and bring back brand new vase, is it
2000 years old or just one day?' No. Will there
be anything decent on Channel 5 in that time?
No. Are we going to end world hunger, disease
and overpopulation? No. Are we going to convert
the Moon into a nuclear power-plant? No. Are we
going to harness the power of the Sun so we can
cure global warming by turning it down to gas
mark 5? No. All those things might happen when
I'm dead though. I feel like I've not so much
missed the boat, as arrived at the seaport
dying from a stab wound." (Cuthbert Annihilator)
* CREDIT WHERE IT IS DUE - "It really grinds my
gears when for example someone gets in a car
wreck, they are completely fucked up, head hanging
off, blood pissing everywhere. The fire brigade
spend an hour cutting them out while stood in a
pool of petrol that could go up any second, and
an ambulance crew keep this person alive by
whatever magic they perform, again in the same
environment. At the hospital a team of dedicated
and overworked heroes put all their energy into
saving this one life. After hours of groundbreaking
surgery and months of painstaking therapy the
patient once again has a semblance of a normal
life. Who do they thank for this? They thank God
and/or Jesus. Throw them back in the fucking flames."
(Buttock helmet)
* 'BABY ON BOARD' STICKERS - "Yes, very good, we
all now know you're fertile. Jolly well done to
you. However: Do you remove the sticker when the
baby's not on board? Did you really think I was
going to crash into your car but had a change of
heart when I saw that your darling sproglet was
in there with you? Do you honestly believe that
a car can be so badly mangled in an accident that
the emergency services can't find a baby (in a
massive car seat), and yet either the baby or the
sticker will survive? And people who have
'Princess on board', 'Babe on board' and other
such variations ought to have their eyes poked
out with rusty skewers." (le brian)
And finally, some handy IT advice from Axeman Jim:
"Here's the only tech advice I am prepared to
give out for free:
1) try rebooting it.
2) if that doesn't work, shove it up your arse."
>> This Week's Question <<
We'd like to know your most treasured possession.
So we know what to nick when we come a-robbing.
Talk to us here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/treasuredpossessions/
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Oyster card wand <<
This rather eccentric chap has decided he wants
wave himself through the Tube turnstile with a
flourish of a magic wand. So he's dissolved his
Oyster card in nail varnish remover and aims to
stuff the chip and antenna into a home-made
wand. Undergroundio, as Harry Potter might say.
http://snipurl.com/lolturnips
>> BNP Mad Art <<
Anyone who volunteers to be "Culture Secretary"
of the BNP is bound to be a bit of a rum type.
But nothing could prepare us for the sheer
insanity of Jonathan Bowden's art work. The
frenetic biro scribbles in blindingly acid
tones suggest the men in white coats cannot be
far away. BTW: Google Louis Wain if you're
intrigued by the art of the mentally ill.
http://www.jonathanbowden.co.uk/gallery/album/inde...
>> Retro computing gay art <<
Geeks of a certain age will have nothing but
warm feelings for illustrator Oli Frey, whose
fantasy art livened up 80s computer mags Zapp,
Crash and Amtix. It seems that Oli had another
interest that would have alarmed some of his
teenage fans. His gay graphic novels have
sinister overtones and feature tales of young
boys being coerced into bumming. One for
Jonathan King, we reckon.
http://koti.mbnet.fi/area51/FREY/TENDER%20BAIT/TEN...
>> Boobpedia <<
Imagine a soft porn site created by civil
servants, where everything is painstakingly
categorised by genre. It might look something
like this. NSFW.
http://www.boobpedia.com/boobs/Main_Page
>> Phone-lead sheep <<
There's nothing more irritating than a phone
flex you just can't uncoil.So why fight it.
Just make some weird art instead. As Maureen
Lipman might say in one of those old BT ads:
'It's for ewe-ooh!'
http://www.cualquiera.com.ar/notas/arte.html
>> A gift for Dickie <<
Youngsters will know him as the old bloke in
Jurassic Park, while mature readers will know
him as one of the great talents of British
cinema. And a terrible old luvvie. Dickie is
now an octogenarian and chances are slim that he
will have either the time or money to make his
pet project, a film about American
revolutionary Tom Paine. But help is at hand
with this site designed to make Dickie's dream
come true. Currently on £700, the plan is to
raise £40 million. We're happy to help the
Dickmeister, but we think he'd have more luck
with a blockbuster like 'Daleks v Dinosaurs
(with hot chicks)' in the Hollywood of today.
http://www.agiftfordickie.com
-------------------------------------------------
: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Pigs Vs Kittens
>> Bowl kitten <<
Extremely solemn baby cat, stoically cavorting
to sate your cuteness cravings. Looks
particularly good sat in tiny bowls, boxes etc.
http://www.aardschok.net/dwergpoesje_nature
>> Raising baby pigs <<
Cute little sausages frolicking together,
taking a nap, drinking coffee. It really is a
shame pigs taste so good.
http://bestpicsaround.com/pic-1290-Raising-Baby-Pi...
-------------------------------------------------
: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Yadda yadda, online vids for da kids
>> Pump up the Volume (air biscuit mix) <<
Yet more evidence that Jackass has a lot to
answer for, with this video of a young lad
pumping air up his jacksy with a bicycle pump
to literally create farts on tap. We'd be
interested to hear from any medics out there
about the long-term effects of giving yourself
an air enema.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Rick re-enactment <<
We love this loving recreation of the dance
moves and facial expressions of Rick Astley's
'Never Gonna Give You Up'. And we love his
light denim blouse, not seen modelled by anyone
under 40 since 1986.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Real life Tron <<
We worried this might be a crap tribute, but
it's genius! Playing Tron on push-bikes with
bits of string trailing behind you. Both easy
to recreate and horribly dangerous.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Real_Life_Tron
>> Foxy Bingo blog blow-up <<
A recent UK advert for online gambling services
has provoked much comment for being, well, shit.
Actually, we like the ad as it memorably
sells the URL of the service, making it loads
better than most advertising you see. However,
interesting to catch this bitch-fight on an
industry blog where the client and the creatives
all pile in to argue about where it went wrong.
http://tvs-worst-adverts.co.uk/foxy-bingo/#comments
>> Fat bloke sings the torrent blues <<
Speaking as nerds who like to sing, we can't
help but enjoy this ode to bit torrenting.
It's the grimy room in the background that
really sells it for us.
http://youtube.com/watch
-------------------------------------------------
: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Now featuring 'goatse of the week'
Littlefish writes - "I'm a scientist, and have
to read lots of research papers. Imagine my
surprise when I found what might be the world's
smallest goatse on the cover of The Journal of
Computational and Theoretical Nanoscience."
Heh. It's nano goatse FTW.
http://www.aspbs.com/ctn.html
-------------------------------------------------
: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Uxbridge English Challenge
Last week we wanted you to celebrate the genius
of Humphrey Lyttelton.
Your favourites included:
* RETARD - adj. Something very difficult in
Yorkshire (The Great Architect)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8336295
* SPECIMEN - noun. An astronaut of Italian
descent (Mr.T)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8337557
* AMSTERDAM - noun. To block a large water
course with a rodent (The Great Architect)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8335768
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/uxbridge/
>> New challenge: Supergroups <<
Chris Rea + Dire Straits = Diarrhea. Deep
Purple + Whitesnake = Purple Snake. Dick Cheney
+ Radiohead = Dickhead. You get the idea.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/supergroups/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* TALLER OR SMALLER? We asked for a quiz on
relative celebrity heights, and Mr Bojangles
has delivered. "I bring you 'Play Your Height
Right' with that cunt Forsyth," he beams. "It
was my first ever attempt at flash from about 4
years ago." It actually starts well but you do
sense his enthusiasm waning as it goes on.
Making it last for 64 pages was possibly the
fatal mistake. Still, it's pretty entertaining.
http://www.auue47.dsl.pipex.com/pyhr/pyhr.html
* CORY DOCTOROW MENTIONS B3TA - We got tipped
off that the cult web novelist had given b3ta a
"good mention" in his latest book, 'Little
Brother'. Inspired by some sort of star-struck
frenzy we searched the entire body of text and
came up with:
"I also bought a NEVER TRUST t-shirt that had a
photoshop of Grover and Elmo kicking the
grownups Gordon and Susan off Sesame Street. It
made me laugh. I later found out that there had
already been about six photoshop contests for
the slogan online in places like Fark and
Worth1000 and B3ta and there were hundreds of
ready-made pics floating around to go on
whatever merch someone churned out."
Oh well. Literary immortality achieved, we
guess.
-------------------------------------------------
: FRIDAY GAME
Dinorun
Cute, retro-style running game - keep your tiny
dinosaur ahead of the pyroclastic wall of
death, else you'll go extinct! Extremely quick
and gets very tense when you're just one step
ahead of fiery doom.
http://pixeljam.com/dinorun/
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* SPEED CAMERA PROTEST - can you fool a speed
camera into taking a photo of you by running
very fast? Or wearing rollerskates and holding
a large paper cutout of a car? Could make an
amusing video maybe? As beaverwastemanagement
suggests, "I suspect an entirely non-criminal
act would be more time-consuming and annoying
for the authorities than kicking the fuckers
down."
* AT WHAT TEMPERATURE DOES SPUNK FREEZE? - a
simple question posed by Agent Muu.
* TWO CUPS ONE BAG - a site to promote the FACT
that you can make two cups of tea from one bag.
Yes you can, it's not pikey.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
-------------------------------------------------
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Tu9,
valerie_hitler, pj_renwick, rwillmsen,
flannery, boldswede, nirmeth, Becky Armstrong,
magicspoon, Churba. Top Tippery by jonoton.
Additional linkage and image challenge by
Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Ys
and Ts to b4ta. (oYo) Subjlol via
the_rhyme_minister, mastheadlol via riverghost.
-------------------------------------------------
TOP TIP:
Keyboard prankery
Not so much a tip, as something you can do to
really annoy a co-worker. Take the gubbins out
of a musical Christmas/birthday card and stick
them inside a keyboard. They don't need much
power and they can be run by connecting them
across the LED for, say, Caps Lock. We all know
that key is a crime against humanity so for
repeat offenders try it with one of the sweary
cards you can get.
-------------------------------------------------
SICKIPEDIA:
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and
saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said,
"morning." He replied, "No, just having a
shit."
http://www.sickipedia.org/
