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This Week:
* NOSTALGIA - Beach Boys v Finger of Fudge
* DANGER - Recreate Tron on your bike
* CUTE - Lovely kitten sitting in a bowl

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "B3ta - Official ITV  
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   Comedy Website Award 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|      winner 2005"

B3ta email 327 - 09 May 2008

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  Work in viral advertising 

  You know those viral ads you occasionally
  watch? The ones where you think to yourself
  “what kind of overpaid twat wrote that - my
  gran could do better”? Well if you fancy having
  a crack and you fancy earning some extra money
  now and then doing some freelance viral ad
  writing, send us an email, along with anything
  you’ve done that you think is relevant. By the
  way, if you have never written a TV ad in your
  life, then you’re better qualified than most of
  the people in big agencies. 
  email ed AT theviralfactory.com

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.


  Fudge, Buggery and the M6
   >> Finger of Fudge v Beach Boys <<
  We're not normally big followers of teh mashup,
  but CCC's collision of 60s pop and 80s classic
  advertising made us smile. Didn't make us want
  to eat a Finger of Fudge though. Possibly
  because that was our dad's slang name for child

  >> Paedophile's musical self-justification <<
  Famed DJ and convicted child molester Jonathan
  King is an intermittent visitor to the b3ta
  forums and has posted his song 'There's Nothing
  Wrong With Buggering Boys'. It's a bizarre way
  to behave, really, courting the public's hatred.
  Song is quite amusing, and the b3ta regulars
  (unsurprisingly) rip him a new one.
http://snipurl.com/omg-no  [b3ta_com]   
  >> M6 sit-com <<
  230 Miles of Love is a sketch show about the
  M6. It's also available to listen to while
  driving the M6, via the magic of sat nav.
  Ajshanahan, who made it, claims it's funnier
  than the Fast Show etc etc. We're just
  impressed with the idea of
  geographically-specific broadcasts like that.


  Pet Peeves
  Last week we asked for your pet peeves so that
  we could laugh at your impotent rage:

  * DEATH - "I find it pissing annoying that I'll
    have to die, and what's even worse is it will
    be after only about 80 years! What the fuck is
    going to take place that's remotely exciting
    in the 60 or so years I might have left? Nothing.
    Are we going to terra-form Mars in that time?
    No fucking way. Are we going to have world
    peace and an end to prejudice so I don't have
    to walk down a street without hearing some cock
    going on about 'bloody Poles/Pakis/Chinks'? No.
    Are we going to have widespread adoption of
    teleportation ending the hegemony of oil? No.
    Am I going to get any good at pool in that
    time? No. Are we going to make contact with
    an alien race, let alone for long enough to
    deduce their inevitably bizarre language enough
    that we can have meaningful conversations about
    esoteric topics such as 'if you go back in time
    2000 years and bring back brand new vase, is it
    2000 years old or just one day?' No. Will there
    be anything decent on Channel 5 in that time?
    No. Are we going to end world hunger, disease
    and overpopulation? No. Are we going to convert
    the Moon into a nuclear power-plant? No. Are we
    going to harness the power of the Sun so we can
    cure global warming by turning it down to gas
    mark 5? No. All those things might happen when
    I'm dead though. I feel like I've not so much
    missed the boat, as arrived at the seaport
    dying from a stab wound." (Cuthbert Annihilator)
  * CREDIT WHERE IT IS DUE - "It really grinds my
    gears when for example someone gets in a car
    wreck, they are completely fucked up, head hanging
    off, blood pissing everywhere. The fire brigade
    spend an hour cutting them out while stood in a
    pool of petrol that could go up any second, and
    an ambulance crew keep this person alive by
    whatever magic they perform, again in the same
    environment. At the hospital a team of dedicated
    and overworked heroes put all their energy into
    saving this one life. After hours of groundbreaking
    surgery and months of painstaking therapy the
    patient once again has a semblance of a normal
    life. Who do they thank for this? They thank God
    and/or Jesus. Throw them back in the fucking flames."
    (Buttock helmet)
  * 'BABY ON BOARD' STICKERS - "Yes, very good, we
     all now know you're fertile. Jolly well done to
     you. However: Do you remove the sticker when the
     baby's not on board? Did you really think I was
     going to crash into your car but had a change of
     heart when I saw that your darling sproglet was
     in there with you? Do you honestly believe that
     a car can be so badly mangled in an accident that
     the emergency services can't find a baby (in a
     massive car seat), and yet either the baby or the
     sticker will survive? And people who have
     'Princess on board', 'Babe on board' and other
     such variations ought to have their eyes poked
     out with rusty skewers." (le brian)

  And finally, some handy IT advice from Axeman Jim:
     "Here's the only tech advice I am prepared to
     give out for free:
       1) try rebooting it.
       2) if that doesn't work, shove it up your arse."

  >> This Week's Question <<

  We'd like to know your most treasured possession.
  So we know what to nick when we come a-robbing.
  Talk to us here:


  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Oyster card wand <<
  This rather eccentric chap has decided he wants
  wave himself through the Tube turnstile with a
  flourish of a magic wand. So he's dissolved his
  Oyster card in nail varnish remover and aims to
  stuff the chip and antenna into a home-made
  wand. Undergroundio, as Harry Potter might say.

  >> BNP Mad Art <<
  Anyone who volunteers to be "Culture Secretary"
  of the BNP is bound to be a bit of a rum type.
  But nothing could prepare us for the sheer
  insanity of Jonathan Bowden's art work. The
  frenetic biro scribbles in blindingly acid
  tones suggest the men in white coats cannot be
  far away. BTW: Google Louis Wain if you're
  intrigued by the art of the mentally ill.  

  >> Retro computing gay art <<
  Geeks of a certain age will have nothing but
  warm feelings for illustrator Oli Frey, whose
  fantasy art livened up 80s computer mags Zapp,
  Crash and Amtix. It seems that Oli had another
  interest that would have alarmed some of his
  teenage fans. His gay graphic novels have
  sinister overtones and feature tales of young
  boys being coerced into bumming. One for
  Jonathan King, we reckon.

  >> Boobpedia <<
  Imagine a soft porn site created by civil
  servants, where everything is painstakingly
  categorised by genre. It might look something
  like this. NSFW.

  >> Phone-lead sheep <<
  There's nothing more irritating than a phone
  flex you just can't uncoil.So why fight it.
  Just make some weird art instead. As Maureen
  Lipman might say in one of those old BT ads:
  'It's for ewe-ooh!'

  >> A gift for Dickie <<
  Youngsters will know him as the old bloke in
  Jurassic Park, while mature readers will know
  him as one of the great talents of British
  cinema. And a terrible old luvvie. Dickie is
  now an octogenarian and chances are slim that he
  will have either the time or money to make his
  pet project, a film about American
  revolutionary Tom Paine. But help is at hand
  with this site designed to make Dickie's dream
  come true. Currently on £700, the plan is to
  raise £40 million. We're happy to help the
  Dickmeister, but we think he'd have more luck
  with a blockbuster like 'Daleks v Dinosaurs
  (with hot chicks)' in the Hollywood of today.


  Pigs Vs Kittens
  >> Bowl kitten <<
  Extremely solemn baby cat, stoically cavorting
  to sate your cuteness cravings. Looks
  particularly good sat in tiny bowls, boxes etc.

  >> Raising baby pigs <<
  Cute little sausages frolicking together,
  taking a nap, drinking coffee. It really is a
  shame pigs taste so good.


  Yadda yadda, online vids for da kids

  >> Pump up the Volume (air biscuit mix) <<
  Yet more evidence that Jackass has a lot to
  answer for, with this video of a young lad
  pumping air up his jacksy with a bicycle pump
  to literally create farts on tap. We'd be
  interested to hear from any medics out there
  about the long-term effects of giving yourself
  an air enema.

  >> Rick re-enactment <<
  We love this loving recreation of the dance
  moves and facial expressions of Rick Astley's
  'Never Gonna Give You Up'. And we love his
  light denim blouse, not seen modelled by anyone
  under 40 since 1986.

  >> Real life Tron <<
  We worried this might be a crap tribute, but
  it's genius! Playing Tron on push-bikes with
  bits of string trailing behind you. Both easy
  to recreate and horribly dangerous. 

  >> Foxy Bingo blog blow-up <<
  A recent UK advert for online gambling services
  has provoked much comment for being, well, shit.
  Actually, we like the ad as it memorably
  sells the URL of the service, making it loads
  better than most advertising you see. However,
  interesting to catch this bitch-fight on an
  industry blog where the client and the creatives
  all pile in to argue about where it went wrong.

  >> Fat bloke sings the torrent blues <<
  Speaking as nerds who like to sing, we can't
  help but enjoy this ode to bit torrenting. 
  It's the grimy room in the background that
  really sells it for us.


  Now featuring 'goatse of the week'
  Littlefish writes - "I'm a scientist, and have
  to read lots of research papers. Imagine my
  surprise when I found what might be the world's
  smallest goatse on the cover of The Journal of
  Computational and Theoretical Nanoscience."
  Heh. It's nano goatse FTW.


  Results from the Uxbridge English Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to celebrate the genius
  of Humphrey Lyttelton.

  Your favourites included:
  * RETARD - adj. Something very difficult in
  Yorkshire (The Great Architect)

  * SPECIMEN - noun. An astronaut of Italian
  descent (Mr.T)

  * AMSTERDAM - noun. To block a large water
  course with a rodent (The Great Architect)

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Supergroups <<
  Chris Rea + Dire Straits = Diarrhea. Deep
  Purple + Whitesnake = Purple Snake. Dick Cheney
  + Radiohead = Dickhead. You get the idea.


  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * TALLER OR SMALLER? We asked for a quiz on
  relative celebrity heights, and Mr Bojangles
  has delivered. "I bring you 'Play Your Height
  Right' with that cunt Forsyth," he beams. "It
  was my first ever attempt at flash from about 4
  years ago." It actually starts well but you do
  sense his enthusiasm waning as it goes on.
  Making it last for 64 pages was possibly the
  fatal mistake. Still, it's pretty entertaining.

  off that the cult web novelist had given b3ta a
  "good mention" in his latest book, 'Little
  Brother'. Inspired by some sort of star-struck
  frenzy we searched the entire body of text and
  came up with:
  "I also bought a NEVER TRUST t-shirt that had a
  photoshop of Grover and Elmo kicking the
  grownups Gordon and Susan off Sesame Street. It
  made me laugh. I later found out that there had
  already been about six photoshop contests for
  the slogan online in places like Fark and
  Worth1000 and B3ta and there were hundreds of
  ready-made pics floating around to go on
  whatever merch someone churned out."
  Oh well. Literary immortality achieved, we


  Cute, retro-style running game - keep your tiny
  dinosaur ahead of the pyroclastic wall of
  death, else you'll go extinct! Extremely quick
  and gets very tense when you're just one step
  ahead of fiery doom.



  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * SPEED CAMERA PROTEST - can you fool a speed
  camera into taking a photo of you by running
  very fast? Or wearing rollerskates and holding
  a large paper cutout of a car? Could make an
  amusing video maybe? As beaverwastemanagement
  suggests, "I suspect an entirely non-criminal
  act would be more time-consuming and annoying
  for the authorities than kicking the fuckers

  simple question posed by Agent Muu. 

  * TWO CUPS ONE BAG - a site to promote the FACT
  that you can make two cups of tea from one bag.
  Yes you can, it's not pikey.

  Send contributions via the mail form.

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


  Subscribe:  [email protected]
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  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Tu9,
  valerie_hitler, pj_renwick, rwillmsen,
  flannery, boldswede, nirmeth, Becky Armstrong,
  magicspoon, Churba. Top Tippery by jonoton.
  Additional linkage and image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Ys
  and Ts to b4ta. (oYo) Subjlol via 
  the_rhyme_minister, mastheadlol via riverghost.

  Keyboard prankery

  Not so much a tip, as something you can do to
  really annoy a co-worker. Take the gubbins out
  of a musical Christmas/birthday card and stick
  them inside a keyboard. They don't need much
  power and they can be run by connecting them
  across the LED for, say, Caps Lock. We all know
  that key is a crime against humanity so for
  repeat offenders try it with one of the sweary
  cards you can get.


  I was walking in a cemetery this morning and
  saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said,
  "morning." He replied, "No, just having a

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