NEWSLETTER: "MIGHT AS WELL READ IT, YOU'RE GONNA GET FIRED ANYWAY"
This Week:
* BLACK PUDDING - Or is it art?
* VEITCH - On a subject close to his heart
* VASECTOMY - You don't want to see this
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 351 - 23 Oct 2008
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue351/
Sub: [email protected]
Das Boot: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
: SPONSORED LINKY
"Text adventure for grown-ups"
Ever wanted to ride a naked 70-year-old man
into a foetid, glistening midget brothel while
swinging a home-made set of Chainsaw-Chuks
around your head? Don't do it in real life,
weirdo. Improbable Island is a text-adventure
game for grown-ups, and it's absolutely fucking
mental
http://improbableisland.com/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Pudding, Blubber and Balls
>> Blubber <<
Joel sings the praises of the blubbery
walrus-beast of northern climes. Ravetastic!
http://rathergood.com/blubber/
>> Pudding effigies <<
"I've had a go at the classic Wonder and
McCartney hit 'Ebony and Ivory'" blurts an
excited Sickpuppy. "I made them out of black
and white pudding. Beat racism with artery
blocking goodness!" Then he ate them.
http://www.fatuous.co.uk/2008/10/04/together-in-pe...
>> Lord Manley's vasectomy <<
In case you're morbidly curious about what it's
like to have 'the snip', Lord Manley has photos
and videos of his vasectomy for you to enjoy.
Not safe for work, if your work frowns on
pictures of angry scrotums.
http://havingapoo.blogspot.com/2008/10/vasectomy.h...
-------------------------------------------------
: B3TA BOOK OF THE MONTH
Venn That Tune
"I'm B3tan salvadorevincent and have had a few
front pages over the years (Internet in
cassette form, Evel Knievel's hearse, Top Trump
Deities)"
"I've just written a book and I'm very excited
and proud of it. It's called 'Venn That Tune'
and is over 100 classic song titles in the form
of Venn diagrams and graphs."
And you know what? He's sent us a copy and it's
great. Works extremely well as a quiz.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/034095567...
-------------------------------------------------
: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Common as muck
Last week we wanted to know what you saw as
common. This generated a huge flame war of
snobbery, one-upmanship and hate. Excellent:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/common/
* COMMON MUMS - I used to work in an opticians
in Essex. I think the most common thing I ever
was the woman who, when booking her children in
for eye tests, checked her tattoos for their
dates of birth. (Mrs Liveinabin)
* COMMON GRANS - when I lived in Newcastle there
was a banner hanging outside of a house that
read "HAPPY 30th GRANDMA". (cowjam)
>> This Week's Question: Meanness <<
Know any grumpy skinflints? Tell us tales of
pointless tightwaddery:
http://b3ta.com/questions/tightwads/
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Blender Defender <<
Strobe light and blender in one cat-scaring
package. Stops them getting into things they
shouldn't while simultaneously creating
h-h-h-hilarious YouTubeable footage of their
startled little faces.
http://www.plasma2002.com/blenderdefender/
>> Food sculptures <<
Arty, inventive models made of fruit and bread.
Hope they ate them all up afterwards. There are
people starving, you know.
http://www.wambie.com/foto_br-272.html
>> Sickie woo!<<
Bloke takes a sickie because he's hungover. He
makes one fatal error in his plan to get away
with it. (From the pages of The Reg)
http://www.theregister.co.uk/2008/10/23/sickie_woo...
>> Atheist bus banners <<
There's been a lot of evangelical groups
advertising on public transport lately. The
atheists have decided to get in on the act -
here's their appeal to raise money for the
ads.
http://www.justgiving.com/atheistbus
>> Jazzy dogshit <<
Repelled by the mounds of dogdirt defacing New
York's fair streets, these guys tackle the
problem by decorating it and taking pictures.
http://sprinklebrigade.com/
>> US racism politilols <<
One of Howard Stern's 'reporters' does a vox
pop on the presidential race. His misleading
questions uncover massive ignorance and a
slightly uncomfortable degree of racism.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch
>> The diabetes healing tone <<
Peculiar quackery popping up on various
filesharing sites, claiming to be a sonic cure
for Type I and Type II diabetes. The
accompanying text is so lunatic as to set our
hoax alarms a-tingling. But it's the internet -
who can tell? Maybe it's just mental illness?
http://snurl.com/quackslikeaduck [thepiratebay_org]
>> Skip conversions <<
Skips - irritating obstacle when you're trying
to park in your road... or an extra, swimming
pool or living room? You can probably guess
what this bunch reckon.
http://www.oliverbishopyoung.co.uk/conversions.htm...
>> Awesome high-definition screengrabs <<
Genuinely enjoyed perusing these side-by-side
comparisons of James Bond on various disc
formats. Amazing how much detail you can get on
your modern Blu-Ray thingy. Shame it's the
laserdisc de nos jours.
http://www.dvdbeaver.com/film/DVDReviews25/thunder...
-------------------------------------------------
: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Weak lols for the simple minded
>> Claymation chess <<
So simple and good that we really wish we'd
done it. Animated chess pieces take each other
out in a match of escalating violence and
visual inventiveness.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Clay_Stop_Motion_Chess
>> Monkey Segway Action
You even need a write up for this? It's a
monkey. Riding a Segway. Click the link!
http://in.youtube.com/watch
>> Mind control brain fungus <<
Another 'isn't Nature horrid' moment -
Cordyceps takes control of an ant's brain,
forces it to climb upwards, then sprouts out of
its head like an evil tentacle. Lucky there
isn't a variety that preys on humans... or is
there? Brr.
http://b3ta.com/links/Get_out_of_my_head_GET_OUT_O...
>> Talking starling <<
We had no idea the birds could speak before we
watched this vid. Frankly, we're not sure after
watching it either. It's an eerie, husky sound
that quite put the wind up us.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Starling_speaking_in_ton...
>> Anti-priest spray <<
Spray away your clergyman woes, claims this
spoof ad. Quite funny, but we liked their logo
sting at the end more than anything. National
Banana may take over from Moooonpig on the
never-ending jingle loop that haunts our brains.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Priest_Off
>> DJ broadcasts through the flames <<
Radio presenter gamely keeps his programme on
air, seemingly unfazed by the fact that a
console behind him is belching fire and smoke.
http://www.koreus.com/video/grece-radio-feu.html
>> Credit crunch report sabotage <<
Brokers stitch each other up in the background
of a TV stock market report.
http://snurl.com/crunchy_credit [www_b3ta_com]
>> Toytown photography <<
We're just suckers for that tilt-shift
photography stuff. Here's a lovely one, with
yachts and a wedding and ting.
http://www.vimeo.com/1953467
-------------------------------------------------
: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Ten bonus points if you scrolled to here first
* CUNT - "This is the way the light goes
through my window at just the right time of
day," says Mike. "At least I finally know what
God thinks of me."
http://snurl.com/stainedcrass [img4012_photobox_co_uk]
* BRADLEY DICK - when you're stuck with a
funny-sounding name don't hide it; run with it.
Check out the personal logo of this equine
photographer - has to be deliberate. Has to be.
http://img208.imageshack.us/img208/8623/dicklogoxq...
* MILKY BAR COCK - It's a strange feeling when
you're munching down a chocolate bar and
suddenly realise it's decorated with spunky
cocks. Thanks fizzyorguk for sharing that...
31640378@N04/2961855746/" target="_blank">http://www.flickr.com/photos/31640378@N04/29618557...
31640378@N04/2961855862/" target="_blank">http://www.flickr.com/photos/31640378@N04/29618558...
-------------------------------------------------
: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Real Art Challenge
Last week we wanted you to recreate famous
works of art using real life objects.
Your favourites included:
* LEGO NIGHTHAWKS - Edward Hopper's American
classic recast in knobbly plastic (hazymemory)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8837602
* STAR WARS LAST SUPPER - A long time ago in a
galaxy far, far away, dinner was served (hYpe)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8850710
* ESCHER REPTILES - the original 2D classic
performed in actual 3D. Our heads literally
hurt just thinking about it (unstableOvine)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8860007
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/realart/
>> New challenge: Extreme Horses <<
We love horses, and we're sure you do too. But
imagine how much better it would be if they
were adrenaline junkies, with their own horsey
X-Games and everything! Challenge suggested by
SkUG
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/extremehorses/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* CYPRESS HILL FURTIVE - "If anyone happens to
be going to Freesports On 4 Freeze at Battersea
Power Station this Saturday (October 25), I
managed to sneak a rather prominent Furtive
Bear into the visuals for Cypress Hill's 'Weed
Medley'." brags Intesvensk. "B3ta represent."
Yay! This makes us happy.
* AWESOME PEELER - the bombastic kitchen
utensil ad featured last week is genuine,
confirms oldschool b3tard Tony Blews. "I would
buy one," he continues, "but Smash doesn't need
peeling."
http://snurl.com/the_peel_thing [www_kitchenaria_com]
* DIGERIDOO CURES SLEEP APNEA? Bollocks does
it, says Lord Turkey Boy. "I have sleep apnea
and I have played the didgeridoo for 12 years.
It has made sod all difference to me. In fact
if anything I have got worse." So there you go,
ignore the doctor if she prescribes you a
didgeridoo.
* DE-NOTED (from last week's newsletter) IS
made by "our mates". B3tard acid_kewpie reminds
us that he started the site last year and we
featured it in the newsletter back then too.
Doh. This is why we are now insisting that
every site we mention is required to bear a
banner saying "As Featured On B3ta.com". You
hear us, Google? It's MANDATORY!
* MISO HORNSEY does not exist. Sorry to all the
disappointed and bewildered noodle-lovers who
wrote in. The closest you'll get is 123 Stroud
Green Road. On the other hand, if you were
thinking of starting a restaurant in the area
you'd have a jingle ready-made by Joel.
* TA MUCHLY for the plug, says b3tarded film
editor extraordinaire Swedemason. "Im gonna use
this exposure to try and get some painting and
decorating work through my YouTube profile."
You go, girlfriend - dreams can come true!
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* BESTIALITY VS ANIMAL SIZE - 4dam ponders, "If
I fucked a ladybird, hell if I even squashed it
with my erect penis after intercourse, and went
into the police station and confessed to my
crime, I don't think they would do anything.
What is the largest animal I could fuck without
fear of recourse? Would it be illegal to fuck
an egg, fresh from a chicken's minge?"
* GPS vs THE KNOWLEDGE - race a friendly local
cabby between two random points in London. Who
wins?
* RETRO SNACKS - what's the oldest
packet of crisps you can buy? And what does 20
year old Monster Munch actually taste like?
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
-------------------------------------------------
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by mookay, dsrjarman,
diamondflamer, Tsnafu, U2031, chickenlady,
goldenlad, chinnyhill10, luvtub, neal_lorna,
Mac Johnson, NJtoTX, sarahhauk, hcr. Additional
linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Word up to b4ta.
Subjlols via Mrs Trellis. Q1 Answer: a human.
-------------------------------------------------
TOP TIP:
* TESCO VALUE SPECS - "Forgotten or lost your
glasses? Get a piece of card and put a hole
though it with a pin. Hold it close to your eye
and you will find that you can see though this
just as well as you can through your glasses.",
claims Mrs Liveinabin. And you know what? We've
just tried it and it really does sharpen up our
vision.
* SHITTY PILLOWS - If you fill a whoopee
cushion with brown sauce, it will make it look
like the person who sat on it has followed
through. (samgasm)
-------------------------------------------------
SICKIPEDIA:
My girlfriend likes it doggy style. It's great,
because she fetches my paper and slippers
afterwards.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
