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This Week:
* BOOK (sort of) - I Spot Internet Humour
* VIDEO - 2 Pumpkins 1 Veitch
* SONG - Let's Talk About Sachs Baby

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B3ta twitter update 353 - 07 Nov 2008

Rub this issue on your cock (or tits):
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue353/

         Subs:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
      Quiznos:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Sexy Tape

  The most recent celebrity sex tape features,
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  God Bless Rhode island:
http://tinyurl.com/5gtv99


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Advertising is healthy and tastes yummy.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Lots and lots of brilliant things. Promise

  >> I Spot Internet Humour <<
  Your newsletter team of Rob and Dave have been
  hard at work writing crap jokes and drawing the
  fifty best web memes according, well, to us. As
  is the nature of lists, undoubtedly you'll
  disagree and ask, "Where's Tub Girl?" And our
  answer? "We haven't seen your mum since she last
  gave us a biscuit."  
http://www.e4.com/wtf/internet-humour/index.html


  >> 2 pumpkins 1 cup <<
  With a sense of timing like Helen Keller
  playing the drums, Joel Veitch brings you your
  chance to celebrate Halloween nearly a year
  early. We wouldn't have run this but it's
  actually quite disgusting and rather funny.
  Much like Joel's micro-penis. 
http://rathergood.com/2pumpkins1cup/


  >> Andrew Sachs song <<
  "Dear b3ta," trills Giant_Squid, "I think it
  would be tantamount to criminal if this song,
  by b3ta member 'housed' about Andrew Sachs and
  the obscene phone calls concerning his
  granddaughter, did not make next week's
  newsletter. I've just listened to it three
  times in succession - bottled genius, I tell
  you."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Sachs_Revenge


  >> Channel Five documentary generator <<
  Our favourite C5 title? "Was Hitler Gay?" - the
  show itself, 45 minutes of people going,
  "Probably not, there's not much evidence for
  it" lacked somewhat. Quin Parker is on a
  similar tip here, and gosh those C5
  commissioning guys are going to feel so bloody
  satirised that they'll blink nervously and
  start playing with the calendar on their
  iPhones. Or not.
http://quinparker.com/channel-five/


  >> Ewan McGregor's rubbish mate <<
  Famous people often have a crap side-kick.
  They're there because they can't sort out their
  own lives and the celeb needs the company /
  someone to carry their bags. B3tard BIG FACE
  has been on the case with that guy who was in
  the Sky show with Ewan and a motorbike. 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ewan_and_Thingy_Pulling_Out


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Eccentrics
  
  Last week we asked you to tell us about the
  nutty behaviour of the people you know:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/eccentrics/

  * WHO'S THE NUTTIEST? In a story that twists
  like the Douglas Adam's anecdote with the
  biscuits at the service station comes Woofie
  and his 'sunglasses on the train' spot.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/eccentrics/post291278     


  * ELECTRIC GRANDAD - "He went to a charity
  shop, purchased some electric blankets...and
  has sewn an outfit from them. Trousers and
  jacket! He simply wanders about his house and
  garden, plugged into the mains by means of a
  large extension cord. Often in the garden, he's
  on his mini tractor, still plugged in."
  (Completely Underwhelmed)  
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/eccentrics/post294208


  *  MY FRIENDS MUM HAS ALZHEIMERS - "We always
  took carrots, because she liked to give them to
  horses in the field next door. They'd come over
  and she would stand, gobsmacked as the horses
  literally took the carrots from the palm of her
  hand. 

  "One day whilst this was happening, a van
  pulled up, and the driver asked me for some
  directions. As I was explaining, my friend's
  mum came over and stood next to me staring at
  the driver. She watched him intently, then
  reached in her little bag and held out her
  palm, with a carrot resting on top, right under
  the van drivers nose. He looked confused. He
  looked at me and raised his eyebrows.

  "My friend's mum got annoyed and shoved the
  carrot forcefully right into his mouth.

  "We've never laughed so hard in our lives.
  Terrible really." (I have run out of coke )
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/eccentrics/post291381


  >> This Week's Question <<
  After four months of nagging we had a moment of
  weakness and allowed ScaryDuck to do his "stuff
  I've found" question.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/found/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by people
         who occasionally email us

  >> Rescue cats! <<
  Another week, another way of using Google to
  find photos of cats. This week it's cats being
  rescued by firemen. Next week? Cats rubbing
  their kitty-nipples until they spunk milk.
http://funpresident.com/?p=1736


  >> C-C-C-C-Combo breaker! <<
  Phrase used on messageboards to 'break' a
  spate of duplicate or themed posts. eg.
  poster 1: Where's that askjeeves site?
  p2: google it
  p3: google it
  p4: google it
  p5: C-C-C-C-Combo breaker! 
  And where do you think this might be used this week?
http://snurl.com/clickitandfindout  [i205_photobucket_com] 


  >> Single man scribbles on his walls <<
  Men! Save money on decorating your bachelor pad
  simply by drawing on your walls with a
  felt-tip. We'd be trying this now except when
  our missus got home she'd immediately phone a
  local decorator and present us with the bill.
http://snurl.com/penisfun  [www_heraldleaderphoto_com] 


  >> Argos Catalogue USSR <<
  Three facts about Russia:
  1. The USSR disbanded in 1991, the same year
  Color Me Badd had a number 1 hit with "I Wanna
  Sex You Up" 
  2. "Russians Love Their Children Too" is known
  in paedophile circles as 'The Sting Defence'
  3. The Soviet Argos fucking well rocked:
http://englishrussia.com/?p=2104#more-2104


  >> AC/DC Excel Video viral marketing bollocks <<
  We knew if we waited long enough that ASCII
  videos would become fashionable again. Wonder
  if Guns'n'Roses want our ideas for launching
  their new album with some exciting Word clip
  art?
http://www.acdcrocks.com/excel/


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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  Unusual animal friendships

  There are many pairings in life that are simply wrong:
  * Mayonnaise and butter on a sandwich - you
    don't need two types of fat, you fatty.
  * Socks and sandals - although new rave kids
    probably do this now. Whilst wearing glasses
    last seen on Timmy Mallet. FFS.
  * Kittens and budgies - look, see:
http://www.secondose.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/lovestory.jpg


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like that shitty bit on Sky News that's all fuzzy

  * LOOK AT THIS AND GO TO JAIL - we're seriously
  wondering if this counts as kiddy porn.
  Whatever it is, you really don't want to see
  this. Absolutely not. NSFW. 
http://www.totallycrap.com/videos/videos_worst_job_in_the_world/

  
  * FAN SINGS JOHN WILLIAMS - Everyone knows this
  man's tunes, but only film nerds bother
  remembering his name. John Williams is not
  Serena and Venus's dad, but the bloke who wrote
  the themes for Star Wars, Indiana Jones and
  Superman. 
http://b3ta.com/links/Star_Wars_to_the_tunes_of_John_Williams


  * HEART OF COGS - art and engineering meet in
  this eloquent metaphor for a man's soul: my
  heart is complex, geeky and quite beautiful but
  a bugger to fix if you break it.  
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Geared_Heart


  * CAT IN A BOTTLE - the trick of getting a ship
  into a bottle is putting it in a bit at a time
  with long tweezers and being very, very
  patient. Which is almost exactly unlike this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xXR5GmNyh7c


  * GEORGE FORMBY GRILL - props to the team at
  Popmash who are still turning out amusing and
  nicely drawn work.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/George_Forby_Grill


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Please, somebody, send us some lithium  

  * BEST EMAIL COCK-UP EVER - Council sends road
  sign for translation and... well, we won't
  spoil the joke.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wales/7702913.stm


  * KIDS LOVE BLOWING COCKS - we assume they use
  the soap to wash away the sin.
http://snurl.com/satans_children  [www_spilsbury_com] 


  * MAPLE SYRUP OMG - to get sap out of a tree
  you bleed it with a tap, but in this logo it
  doesn't half look like a dripping cock.
http://snurl.com/quibblemydribble  [failblog_files_wordpress_com] 


  * MATCHMAKER COOKIES - now with cool minty
  black cocks. An ideal aperitif for an election
  night celebration.
http://snurl.com/wevotedmccain  [i236_photobucket_com] 


  * BEAVER CLEANING - Darfbozo writes, "Spotted a
  van outside my house last week, was too dark to
  take a decent photo, but looked him up on the
  interweb. Take a look at his company name, then
  the review at the bottom from my
  hastily-conjured 'Mrs V Gina'." 
http://snurl.com/donotvandaliseok  [www_citylocal_co_uk] 


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the US Election Challenge

  Last week we wanted to mock the American
  Presidential race.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * MADNESS - John McCain out-nutties the nutty
  boys (TheCastrator)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8885400

  * SPIDERPALIN - Homer plays tribute to the
  psychotic hockey mum (badg3r)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8888100

  * IMPEACH - Bill Clinton ponders on the
  ejaculate-splashed unfairness of it all (Holly
  Would)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8885263

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/election/


  >> New challenge: Macho Products <<
  In tribute to X Factor star Sinitta still
  fitting into her So Macho outfit 23 years on,
  we want the manly products. Stuff that Andy
  McNabb and Chuck Norris would buy. 
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/macho/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * SHORT-TERM MEMORY ERRORS, Olembe (amongst
  others) wrote in to crow, "Hoorah: a chance to
  wave my PhD around!

  "The short-term memory game featured in the
  newsletter will generally allow you to remember
  more than 7 items* as it used pictures of real,
  concrete objects. Pictures of real objects are
  particularly easy to remember. Thanks to a chap
  called Al Paivio, we know when you try to
  remember a picture of, say, a black kitten, you
  create two memories: a memory of the picture
  you saw AND a memory of the words that popped
  into your head when you saw the picture ('Oh, a
  black kitten'). So because you've got a memory
  of the picture AND a memory of the words,
  you're more likely to remember a picture of a
  kitten than if you just heard the word 'kitten'.

  "Cool fact: Alan Paivio was a championship
  bodybuilder before becoming a psychologist.
  Look him up on Google images and you'll see him
  in action. How many other disciplines can boast
  a researcher who can come up with a top theory
  AND kick physicists' heads in?

  "* Actually the theory is 7 ± 2 items, rather
  than 7."


  * ALL 80s NUMBER 1s INTROS IN ONE MP3 - we
  challenged you, dear readers, to glue this
  together so that we could listen to it. Props
  to Fonz for giving it a go - and what a head
  trip it is. Other members tried a video
  version, but for our money having to guess the
  titles is much more fun. 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/80s_Number_1_intros


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Stock market game

  Best idea we've seen for a while - takes
  snapshots of real sharetrading prices from
  history and you click buy or sell. That we lost
  $70k in 5 minutes suggest that we're best
  staying well away from the real thing. Genius
  stuff.
http://www.inspectd.com/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * RETRO ARGOS CATALOGUES, we saw some Russian
    stuff earlier, but we'd love to see what Argos
    was flogging in the 70s or 80s. Are there any
    hoarders with an OCD attitude to scanning out
    there? 

  * WORLD'S LONGEST FIREMAN'S POLE - just
    wondering how long could you make one? Or would
    your rate of descent get too dangerous?

  * PUB-STYLE PEANUT BUTTER - Would a packet of
    KP into a blender make something you could
    spread on toast?

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob "air quotes"
  Manuel with David (brackets) Stevenson. Stuff
  sent in by Felchman, reject_jon & robneymcplum.
  Top Tippery by Digeridude. Additional linkage
  and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike
  Trinder is QOTW bloke. And so is his wife.
  Subjline from Captain Wow.
  
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  TOP TIP:
  Four out of five holes in your head are the
  exact same shape and size as your finger. This
  is not a coincidence.


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  SICKIPEDIA:
  A very common male fantasy is to have two women
  at the same time. One to cook, one to clean.
http://www.sickipedia.org/

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