NEWSLETTER: "IF A PIG LOSES ITS VOICE, IS IT DISGRUNTLED?"
This Week:
* EVIL - Snurl for cunts
* SPASTIC SOCIETY - 1970s Xmas stickers
* QUESTION - Your age-gap sex stories (eeep!)
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're getting Christmas
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | Cards from Jonathan King
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| ... together"
B3ta email 357 - 5 Dec 2008
Official Ginger Fuhrer Birthday web edition:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue357/
Tits: [email protected]
Anti-tits: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
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We viral advertising whores have convinced a
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making exactly what the internet wants would be
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suggestions to:
[email protected].
We'll pay £500 for any idea used and you get to
see it made. Ta.
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Lots of bollocks you to wobble
>> Snurl for cunts <<
This nasty little tool allows you to replace
harmless words and phrases with horrid, twisted
drips of poison on the destination page of any
website. Props to irberry for creating the
potential to cause endless mischief.
http://redo.me.uk/
And here's one we made earlier:
http://redo.me.uk/GordonRamseyBook
>> Repellent pig's head cookery <<
Sharcore writes: "On Saturday we cooked and ate
the head of a pig. It was very tasty, but a
touch glutinous, particularly the snout. It's a
fine meal in these testing economic times, if
you can stomach it - the whole head cost
£3.80" It looks disgusting but the photos are
kind of interesting.
http://bakedchefs.com/
>> Xmas Spackattack <<
Lucky dngdng found these rather fantastic Xmas
stickers while rooting through his parent's
lofts. Treasure from a more innocent age.
http://snurl.com/scopers
>> The truth about secret Santa <<
Everyone knows secret Santa is shit. Bangbang's
parody of Boots annoying Christmas ad is so on
the money.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Boot_secret_santa_parody
>> Amazon FTW <<
A bit geeky but a fun bit of one-upmanship that
will make recession-hit web developers rofl
themselves silly.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Play_com_Amazon_is_bette...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Cringe!
Cringe-worthy antics from b3tards? No, surely
you jest? Whatever. Clicky for comedy gold:
http://b3ta.com/questions/cringe/
* LICKY LICKY - "About 10 years ago, at the
dentist's, I was laying in the chair staring
at the ceiling whilst he was using his
instruments of torture in my mouth. After a
while I noticed that there was something in
my mouth between my bottom teeth and my lip.
Thinking it was an absorbent swab thingy, I
prodded it for a minute or two with my tongue.
It seemed too smooth for a swab, so I explored
it thoroughly with my tongue. Then it dawned
on me.. It was his latex glove-covered thumb.
I'd been laying there apparently trying to
pleasure his finger for the last couple of
minutes..." (mugwump)
* SHAVING - "So I'm sixteen years old. The
girlfriend has come around to my place for the
day, the folks and the sister are out and the
afternoon is ripe for lovin' -- or at least,
kissin' and some awkward groping. But something
is wrong. From the moment the ladyfriend walked
in the door, she seemed a little nervous, a
little... distracted. After I realised something
was up, I asked her what was the matter. She
refused to tell me. We played that game for a
while - What'swrongnothingreallyyesyousureyesoh,
but I eventually manage to get it out of her.
In a quiet, delicate voice, quite unlike
anything I've ever heard before, she comes out
with: "I've... you know... *shaved*." For some
reason, my mind doesn't quite catch on, so I
respond with, "Wow... Well, I have to say, it
looks a lot better. I didn't want to mention
anything, but I'd definitely noticed a little
bit of fuzz there." All the while, I'm gesturing
to her top lip. The lip that, in fact, was not
one of those she was referring to. There was to
be no more fumbling that day; it took three hours
to get her to even speak to me." (Ellinikos)
* PUT THEM AWAY - "PhD, year two. Went to the lab
wearing fetching black shirt with popper
fastenings down the front. To protect said shirt,
slipped on lab coat, with popper fastenings down
the front. The eagle-eyed amongst you may be able
to spot where this is going. Tea break rolls
around and, being the attention seeking little
sausage I am, I ran to the door of the lab, faced
my lab mates and pretended to rip off my lab coat,
a la Clark Kent ripping off his shirt to reveal
underneath the fabled "S". What I actually did
was grab both sets of poppers by mistake, rip them
open and reveal my tits in a grubby, greying bra
with the underwiring poking out. I think if you
look up the word "fuckwit" in the dictionary,
there may be a little picture of me next to it."
(Rakky)
>> This Week's Question <<
Cougars and Sugar Daddies. When there's a huge age
gap and you're shagging, things are never simple:
http://b3ta.com/questions/cougars/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> "Me and Iron Man" <<
The unlikely story of a bloke who wound up
getting his Flickr pic into the recent Iron Man
film. We're actually a little bit jealous.
http://adactio.com/journal/1530/
>> Pushpin Mario <<
Excellent mosaic of the dashing plumber - made
entirely by sticking pins in a wall.
http://snurl.com/pinitdown
>> Wikipedia wtf lists <<
Wouldn't Wikipedia make a smashing
Christmas tie-in book? Here's a couple of the
kind of pages that would make it a great
stocking filler. BTW: Who would have guessed
that Napoleon was, in fact, taller than average?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_unusual_death...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_misconception...
>> Emergency call transcripts <<
Calling 999 is always a dramatic treat. Sadly,
when you have to do it yourself you're too
preoccupied to really appreciate it. Here are
some transcripts of actual emergency calls.
http://snurl.com/smoothoperator
>> Emily Strange vs Nate the Great <<
Goth merchandising phenomenon Emily Strange
owes a great deal to past-time children's
favourite Nate the Great. Check out the
side-by-side comparison. Hard not to see a
similarity.
http://youthoughtwewouldntnotice.com/blog3/
>> Nice t-shirt designs <<
Some clever and pretty t-shirt designs. We were
particularly struck by the scowling Thomas the
Tank Engine transformer.
http://www.behance.net/Gallery/Glennz-Tee-Store-De...
>> Belly love <<
Musician's fans express solidarity with their
pot-bellied icon by sending in pictures of
their own proud tummies. Stick it to the man!
http://snurl.com/tummywar
>> 45 vintage visions of the future <<
Cover art from old editions of Popular
Mechanics, showing how they thought the future
was going to be - from 1951 onwards. We are
eagerly awaiting the delivery of our robotic
Christmas tree decorators.
http://snurl.com/thefutureisshit
>> Hideous gourmet foods <<
People really do eat the most hideous things
and the worse it is the more they insist it's a
'delicacy'. A large proportion of these are
French. But then we suspect a similar list done
in France would stick in stuff like Scotch Eggs
and Pepperami.
http://snurl.com/foodystuff
>> Ladykeyboard <<
It's a pink computer keyboard with the
'useless' keys being given a 'fun makeover'.
"There is nothing else like this currently on
the market," proudly boast the manufacturers.
Probably quite usable - those keys really are
useless.
https://www.keyboardforblondes.com/
>> The End <<
A large collection of "The End" movie title
cards. Interesting how there are so many
different ways of saying the same thing. Made
us want to go off and watch a load of vintage
films.
http://snurl.com/endyendend
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
>> Chilly kitty <<
Newborn kitten enjoys a light dusting of snow.
News channels take note - you should always
present the weather forecast via a tiny
animal's reaction to it.
http://snurl.com/kittenwoos
>> 'Hotdog' lol <<
It's his trusting obliviousness that makes this
little dachshund-in-a-bun so adorable.
http://snurl.com/woofs
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Stuff to spam your mum with
>> Animals sing Merry Christmas <<
B3ta-friendly animals singing Jona Lewie's Stop
the Cavalry? What are the BBC up to?
http://uk.youtube.com/watch
>> Kittens on a slide <<
"Similar to kittens on a treadmill," writes
witty_ditty, "these kittens, much like salmon,
attempt to brave the vertical."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Kittens_on_a_slide
>> Tilt shift monster trucks <<
Every few weeks a technique sweeps the internet
and everyone who's anyone has a go - currently
it's using weird lenses (or a bit of blurring and
ramping up the saturation) to make real world
footage look like toys.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Tilt_shift_Monster_Truck...
>> Macy's Day Rickrolled by Rick <<
"I swear life is getting too surreal," writes
J-Rod, and he's right you know.
http://snurl.com/metathedevilyouknow
>> Sex Pistols sung by UK Politicos <<
"If you're desperate for the newsletter,"
informs Brian Millar, "there's a new
Gordo/Camero mashup online." Heh, underselling
is the new selling.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
We'd rather get AIDS than run this crap
* IT WOULD BE UNCHARITABLE to laugh at Horn
Relief...
http://www.hornrelief.org/
* WANKKING HAMSTER - racetraitor spluffs, "So
you want phallic roller coasters? Get a load of
this one I found at Okpo Land in South Korea."
http://www.daehanmindecline.com/archive/20080405ok...
* PEOPLE CALLED PORNTIP - it's a real name you
know.
http://images.google.co.uk/images
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Xmas Card Compo
Last week we wanted you to make us some Xmas
cards we could send to our dead grandparents .
Your favourites included:
* CREDIT CRUNCH CHRISTMAS - alliteration and
swearing. A double win for mofaha.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8977733
* JESUS CRADLES BOOZE - yep, pretty much how we
feel in the holidays. And work days too. Thanks
Joe Scaramanga.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8976983
* SANTA VS PYLON - well, Santa isn't going to
win is he? (The Twisted Omentum)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/8981983
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/xmascards/
>> New challenge: Anagram Photoshops <<
Funeral? Real fun. Robert DeNiro? Nerdier
Robot. Kylie Minogue? I Like Em Young. Take a
phrase or celebrity name, work out a really
good anagram, and then photoshop the result.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/anagrams/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* GRIPEY TWATS - Sea Tramp moans, "Pedantry,
I'm afraid. But I've held my piece for more
than two years now, and just can't hold it any
longer. My hand's seizing up. A stock phrase on
the newsletter template that hasn't changed
since I signed up: 'All these images, and the
highest as voted by you can be found here:'
Please, please correct it. Highest image? Uh?
Best? Most popular? Favourite? Least utterly
gash? Are we voting for a 'high' image? No.
It'd take very little effort to change this,
and - you never know - it might just save one
man from a needless nervous breakdown." Heh -
now we know it's annoying we're never going to
change it. We're petty - that's how we roll.
* RANDOM LIBEL - boyo81 gets us into legal
trouble with, "I can't tell you how disturbing
it was to see the 'miming album covers' link in
the latest newsletter. Not because of the link
itself but rather the guy doing the mimes. He
is called Matt and he used to stalk my sister
for several years, even going as far as
submitting a story to the publishing house she
works for based on his life so far with her as
a prominent love interest. Maybe this is a very
odd way of continuing the stalking, as he knows
she is a long time b3tan, But I hope to God
it's just a horrible coincidence... He is a
very strange fellow."
* MORE TOAST BOLLOCKS - pgm28 mimbles, "I
didn't write in last week about cooking things
in the toaster because I thought that thousands
of people would write in with the same answer,
but apparently I was wrong. You can buy neat
little things called Toastabags
(www.toastabags.com) which allow you to cook
quite literally anything in a toaster -
burgers, chicken nuggets, eggs, bacon, you name
it... I once used one to heat up a can of soup
- great stuff! Every student should be issued
one by the government."
* TAKING THE PISS - nick-brown gushes, " Saw
your question in the newsletter but one but
quite frankly was too fucking lazy to write in.
Anyway as the topic was progressing, I thought
I'd provide you with the definitive insight. A
teacher at school once told me that he and has
mates at university had pondered this very
question (I reckon this was back in the '70's
so it would appear you've been asking one of
life's eternal questions) and decided to answer
it, being scientific types. Consequently the 4
of them considerately spent an extended evening
in the pub, drinking as much as possible and
every trip to the bog included carrying a
number of pint glasses with them. Apparently
from the extensive data gleaned they were able
to state that (unsurprisingly, given that beer
is a diuretic) for every pint you drink, you
piss 1 and a quarter pints. This has informed
my drinking/water management levels ever since
and I pass this knowledge on in the hope that
it will likewise help many of your readers."
* WE LOVE DURAN DURAN - brixton bruxelles
lovingly types, "In this week's newsletter, you
asked for a Duran Duran song parody, so I'm
sending you this abomination I created called
'Goats on Film'" Actually this is rather long
so here's a remix with just the lines that made
us giggle:
"See them trotting hoof to hoof
across the bridge at midnight
Goats on Film (trotting together)
Goats on Film (you want to mate her)"
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: FRIDAY GAME
I made this. You play this. We are enemies.
In a title weirdly reminiscent of the Manic
Street Preachers, "This is my truth, tell me
yours" comes a game that makes less sense than
your Ginger Fuhrer after a night on the
heroins. And much like opiates, it is good, oh
so good.
http://www.secrettechnology.com/madethis/enemy6.ht...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* INTERNET VOLUME MIXER - we're eternally
frustrated by having to turn iTunes on and off
as internet videos demand our attention. Can
someone write a hack that mixes the music down
and back up automatically?
* CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR NEW HOUSE - a short
video to send new home owners featuring a house
that starts dancing and shouting "h-h-h-h
house!" in a Paul Hardcastle stutter stylee.
* A BIG INTERNET GUN TO SHOOT TROLLS WITH -
just a personal request.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by The G, funkenstein,
tubaman, Leo Panthera, ZombieSheep, cszbinden,
harry kumquat, carly291287 and heliopod. Top
Tippery by Brandy Bolland Additional linkage
and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike
Trinder is QOTW bloke.
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TOP TIP:
Keep a Gameboy handy in the bathroom for
leisurely shits.
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SICKIPEDIA:
A little bit of Monica on the floor...
A little bit of Jessica on the steps....
Mumbai No 5.
http://www.sickipedia.org/
