we love the web
email us
NEWSLETTER: "A GOOD DAY TO BURY BAD NEWS"

next issue »
« previous issue

This Week:
* HEADLINES - Something about kittens! Lol!
* MORE STUFF - Probably a question thing
* EVEN MORE - Maybe comedy rude vegetable. Rofl.

-------------------------------------------------
________  ____ __  ___  "We stayed up all night     
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  watching the election
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  and forgot to write the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|  newsletter... together"

B3ta e-fax 427 - 7 May 2010

The same newsletter again in a new window:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue427/

          Subs:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Toasted panini:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
  Itís Going to be a Smoking Summer Of Music
 
  Fancy going to a festival this summer? Fancy a
  yearís supply of rolling papers? Well you might
  get both if you enter the Smoking Papers Mega
  Free Prize Draw. You could win tickets for
  Great Escape, Global Gathering, NASS and
  Boardmasters and a year's supply of your
  favourite Smoking Papers.
http://bit.ly/akXUvb

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Other than pressing ctrl R and typing sol.exe
  
  >> Just had a wank? <<
  "Record your strokes here!", writes Punked, "As
  taken from one of the Newsletter ideas some
  while ago (sorry if it's bindun)."
http://www.justwanked.co.uk/


  >> Election debate rap battle <<
  Dan Bull writes, "In a bid to appeal to the
  younger electorate, the leaders of the three
  main parties have agreed to a fourth televised
  debate, in the form of a rap battle.Ē (To be
  honest now the election is over this is a bit
  out of date but we enjoyed the item so in it
  goes.)
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Election_debate_rap_battle


  >> Vote Your Own Adventure <<
  How does a Choose Your Own Adventure book play
  out if each decision is voted on by everyone who
  has ever played it? Only Monkeon knows the
  answer - and you if you click.
http://www.monkeon.co.uk/voteyourown/


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Arch-nemesis

  Last week we asked if you had someone who just
  wouldn't go away and leave you alone. And how
  you dealt with the situation. Luckily, none of
  you have done a Danny Dyer and we won't have to
  write a lame press release about "production
  errors":
http://b3ta.com/questions/nemesis/

  * DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION - "I used to have a
   fairly hellish hour-and-a-half commute to work.
   On public transport accompanied by the symphony
   of white noise squirted forth from the mobile
   phones of various little oiks. If I had my
   headphones and charged my iPod, it was fine,
   but there were many days when my life was near
   ruined for a good half-hour stretch. It became
   clear to me that I was going to have to strike
   back at the heart of the problem. Not by getting
   angry, oh no, but by a much stealthier method.
   I pretended to enjoy the music one of them was
   playing. I looked over, giving little appreciative
   nods if he caught my eye. He looked away quickly,
   but the fear was clearly setting in, I was
   beginning to turn the tide, and claim back my
   train. His mild homophobia alone wasn't switching
   the music off, so the nuclear option was called
   for: I stood up, crossed the carriage, and began
   what can only be described as a 'dance', to his
   music. Now, I am on the wobbly side of portly,
   and my dancing skill is (to put it politely) not
   too high, but where I was lacking in these areas,
   I made up for in brute enthusiasm and pelvic
   thrusting. I launched my ample frame around that
   carriage like I was trying to dislodge a troublesome
   ferret from inside my trousers. These moves were
   accompanied by that 'special' facial gesture. Eyes
   scrunched closed, head back, a delicate bite of
   the lower lip - nothing but sheer, orgasmic,
   animal pleasure. Oddly, he seemed to decide fairly
   soon after that he didn't really want to listen
   to music any more. Check. Mate."
   (Serotonicity)
     
  * SUPER POTATO - "There's a guy at work, Dan,
   who was trying to lose weight, but still 
   wanted to have a jacket potato a few times 
   a week. Instead of cheese and beans, he'd 
   just have beans, but the guy who works in 
   the sandwich shop kept getting this wrong,
   giving him both cheese and beans. So Dan 
   decided to be extra clear about it. 'Look,
   mate, you keep giving me cheese AND beans 
   and I just want beans. Just beans. Alright?'
   'Yeah, yeah, no problem mate. Just beans...' 
   Back at the office, and sure enough, there's 
   a nice big pile of grated cheese on top of 
   the beans. Next day, and he checks it in the 
   shop, "Well this has cheese in it..." Another 
   potato is served up. Again, he checks it. 
   Again, there's a great big pile of cheese.
   I'm not quite sure how I'd deal with the 
   situation, and I can understand that it was 
   extremely frustrating, but throwing the potato 
   at the guy and then dragging him over the 
   counter whilst screaming 'NO CHEESE MOTHERFUCKER!
   NO CHEESE!' didn't go down too well, and Dan 
   now does his own jacket potato and beans in
   the office microwave." (SnowyTheRabbit)
     
  * FINISH HIM! - "For two years at school, before
   he got expelled a bigger, older kid called Mark
   bullied me relentlessly. Culminating in one 
   dinner break where he and his mates trapped 
   me at the bottom of a staircase (they locked 
   the doors) and stood on the floor above hawking
   green phlegm at me and kicking the crap out of
   me if I tried to get past them and escape. This
   went on for the best part of an hour. Some years
   later, after he'd been kicked out for being a
   thickie thug, he was in the local paper having
   jumped out of a window after being interrupted
   during a burglary. He'd landed on wrought iron
   railings, perforating his bowel because one of
   the spikes went up his arse. I couldn't have
   imagined a better comeuppance if I'd tried."
   (shinyscalp)


  >> This Week's Question <<

  Breasts. Like our ill-fated "Penis" question,
  but there's two of them. Oh dear:
http://b3ta.com/questions/breasts/


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Flickr trannies <<
  PJ writes, "Flickr Explore lets you browse a
  map of the world and see the best that the
  world's photographers have to offer. Why is it
  that when you look at the map of the UK, so
  many pictures of really really bad trannies
  show up?"
http://www.flickr.com/map?&fLat=50.8614&fLon=-1.8457&zl=11


  >> Rent the Spaced flat <<
  Three bedroom flat - approx £600 per month per
  person and comedy geeks outside taking photos
  and giggling every weekend.
http://snurl.com/spacked


  >> Gives me hope ...<<
  "Have you ever featured givesmehope?", asks
  Mike Fishcake, "It's the exact opposite of fuck
  my life and is absolutely lovely to read if
  you're a big soft sentimental sap. Like me."
  And if you're very mean and nasty like us, you
  can say "fuck my life" at the end of each story
  and it becomes quite a different site
  altogether.
http://www.givesmehope.com


  >> Apple dating site <<
  So you're an Apple fanboy and the only woman
  you'd like to meet also shares your geek
  obsession for Steve Job's finest bits of future
  landfill? Then hop on board because this dating
  site is for you. Actually not a bad idea as
  Apple stuff is rather expensive so it's a
  subtle way of saying to women, "the blokes are
  geeks but at least they're not deadbeat geeks."
http://cupidtino.com/


  >> Meowmania <<
  Click the cat and it meows. Compelling in a
  slightly frightening way. We await the youtube
  video of using this to freak out a kitten.
http://meowmania.jqln.org/


  >> If Mario was designed now... <<
  Christ it would be full of bullshit.
http://snurl.com/marioyeah


-------------------------------------------------

: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
  How about a beatboxing dog? 
  
  Actually you might not go aah but those in the
  remix communities might have found a phat new
  beat for their wicked super mash ups. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hhz9Aa6tDwk 


-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Written with one liners coz fuck, we're late
  
  * SADDEST FILM EVER - Cat paws dead cat chum.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zaP7STV1aFs

  * DREADFULLY CLEVER AD - that took us a second
  watch to grasp it.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Mr_W:2

  * WEIRD CRYING MAN - also worth watching is the
  autotune version:
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Best_Cry_Ever

 * OVER HANDED GUITAR PLAYING WOMAN - like a
 slide guitar technique but without the slide bit.
http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=69e_1272915986


-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Funny as in shit
  
  This week's entry comes from someone calling
  himself SpunkyMcSpunkbubble, and as we say to
  the children, "those with kettles shouldn't
  throw stones at blacks", anyway, he says, "The
  festival organiser's maybe one for funny name
  corner." And you know what? He's correct.
http://snurl.com/bollockhead


-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the James Bond Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to film James
  Bond on the cheap

  Your favourites included:
 
  * SOCIAL - if no-one will finance a film, you
  can at least storyboard the plot via Facebook
  (Captain Howdy)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10025725

  * KILL - grim news for Bond as his license
  expires (yanmania...)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10028081

  * JAWS - 007's most fearsome foe crops up in
  classic meme (Seaman Gabber)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10025787

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/jamesbond/


  >> New challenge: Ross Kemp <<
  Former soap star Ross Kemp is probably 
  the UK's toughest man, whether he's 
  winning the war in Afghanistan or saving 
  the Amazon rainforest. Photoshop him, 
  and his lovely bald head:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/rosskemp/


  BONUS ELECTION BIT - drbroon writes, "I made a
  compilation of stuff made by b3tans for 
  the election compos. NSFW because of some 
  swears in the musics. Thanks and well 
  done to the image-makers, I had a lot of 
  chuckles making this."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/General_Election_2010_by_b3ta


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * RATHERGOOD ADVERTISING FOR MICROSOFT? - Jason
  Grayson saw this in the Metro and we did ask
  Joel about it and didn't get an email back and
  can't be arsed to chase it now. 
http://moby.to/2f3bdo  

  * B3TAN MP GETS 84 VOTES - let's hope next time
  we get Proportional Representation and we can
  bump that up to several thousand votes to get
  some true geeks represented in our shitty
  parliament. 
http://snurl.com/tomlooksgoodasapirate

  * CONGRATULATIONS TO DAVE AND SIAN - Dave
  co-writes the B3ta newsletter and recently
  married his now-wife Sian at London Zoo.
  You'll like the photos.
http://snurl.com/theotherdaveinthenews


-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME
  Hue shift

  Our colour vision is a bit dodgy in the old red
  / green area and that means we never try very
  hard on games that require careful observation
  of hue. Basically we're saying this game is
  racist and oppressing us. Thanks JamesG for
  making us feel bad.
http://www.kongregate.com/games/ddrei/hue-shift 
  

-------------------------------------------------

  Subscribe:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Unsubscribe:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by SetecAstronomy, Tom
  O'Bedlam, Michelle Obama's Stalker, Jemimah
  Knight, Mike Fishcake. Additional linkage and
  image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder
  is QOTW bloke. 


-------------------------------------------------

  My friend and her girlfriend just gave me a
  lovely TAG Heuer for my birthday. Guess they
  misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."
http://www.sickipedia.org/

next issue »
« previous issue