NEWSLETTER: "KATE MIDDLETON'S ULTRASOUND PICTURES SOUVENIR EDITION."
This Week:
* EXPLORE - Inside Netto
* ROBOTS - for charity
* UNDERGROUND - Secret postman railway
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're hiding from
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | the glorious
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| sunshine... together"
B3ta email 475 - 22 Apr 2011
Ask for this issue to be cancelled on e-Bay:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue475/
Subs: [email protected]
Unsuboteurs: [email protected]
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: (UN)SPONSORED LINK
Get Kunt to no 1 for Royal Wedding! Buy now!
"Seems to be gathering a bit of momentum this
week," writes the indefatigable Kunt. "We're
currently sitting at 68 in the midweeks and
around 1000 downloads off of top 40! We're
ahead of Xmas and I feel like we're almost
brushing our stool against the cloth of the top
40.
"It's download day Monday - there are seven new
versions which will come in under a fiver."
Seven new versions?? He's not slacking!
Anyway, it's half-term this week and if you
need to keep the kids occupied, this child-safe
remix might help:
http://www.youtube.com/watch
Buy the MP3 here. You owe it to B3ta, Kunt and
your country.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B004UC8S1...
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Netto, Q&A, Fucksticks, Robots, Spock and Apocalypse
>> "Scandinavian for value" <<
"Last newsletter, you asked for someone to
explain crazy foreign brands," reasons
Sandettie Light Vessel Automatic. In the spirit
of the great Victorian adventurers, he's bravely
ventured into Netto - so you don't have to.
http://scandinavianforvalue.wordpress.com/
>> Funny, odd, stupid and bizarre questions <<
"I am a fan of Q&A sites and the occasional
incisive questions that are asked," explains
cnamhspairne. "However, the more I piss away
time on Quora, Yahoo Answers and other sites,
the more I realise that the inane, bizarre and
off the wall questions that people ask there
are the best part."
http://randomqs.tumblr.com/
>> I have been making a robot! <<
"This is DON-8r," bleeps
Timmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. "It's a fundraising
robot, which I designed as my final year
project for Uni. It's raising money for a local
science centre (which is a registered charity)
so all the money getting put into it is going
to a good cause." We love this - an inspired
combination of cute + a bit pathetic.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/I_have_been_making_a_rob...
>> What's in Spock's scanner - Part 2 <<
"I said you guys would be the first to know
when part two was ready," rasps Black Moon.
"I've literally just uploaded it to YT." An
ambitious, sprawling sequel, this is a literal
bonanza for the Trekkies. Okay, not a literal
bonanza, that would be a western.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Whats_in_Spocks_scanner_...
>> End of the World Notification Service <<
"I've spent the day high on painkillers and sat
before my computer researching when the end of
the world will happen," writes stevierar. "I've
collated my findings and made this helpful
service. Some of the links are amazing; people
are scary." Note that the world is due to end
before midnight tonight, dear reader, so
flattered you're spending these last few
precious hours with us.
http://www.rowdydow.co.uk/eotw/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Creepy
Last week we asked for what makes the hairs go
up on the back of your neck. :
http://b3ta.com/questions/creepy/
* THE DOOR - "Back when I was a baby my folks
moved in to their first home. A decorating
frenzy ensues and late one night my Dad (19)
and my dad's brother (16) were scraping
wallpaper only to find a door with no handle,
just a keyhole. Obviously my old man thought,
"I've got another room/cupboard, let's get it
open." Grabbing a coathanger he sets about the
lock and with a loud snick he and my Uncle pry
it open. It came ajar with a massive ripping
noise followed by a blood curdling scream.
Needless to say my Dad and Uncle shat
themselves and nearly killed each other getting
out of room. Turns out the entire row of
terraced houses used to be a dormitory for
trainee priests and all the now separate houses
are still connected by doors. The silly twats
had ripped a door-shaped hole in the
neighbours' wallpaper." (studdley ruffrod)
* THE KEY - "I had been going out with the to
be Mrs Ring of Fire for a little while, and
earlier in the day had given her a copy of my
front door key. How did the love of my life
react to me moving our relationship to the next
level? The very first night of key ownership
she waited until 2am, let herself in, snuck
into my bedroom, knelt down putting her mouth
about an inch from my ear and from the back of
her throat gurgled, "I'VE COME FOR YOUR SOUL"
(Ring Of Fire)
* THE SKULL - "Walking along the street, I come
to a large lorry parked leaving just enough
room to squeeze past between it and the fence.
As I past, suddenly something lolls out of a
gap in the wooden slats, mere inches from my
face. It's pink and fleshy, with clumps of hair
sprouting from it. It's scarred and caked in
filth, but in a flash I recognise it as a
deformed, shrivelled human head. Worse, where
the eye should be there is just a gaping, empty
socket, caked in blood. I let out a yell that
caused cyclists to swerve and a flock of birds
to wheel frantically into the air, and lurched
back against the fence, cowering as far away
from this ghastly apparition as I can. From
where I can see that it is, in fact, a cow's
nose. The eye socket is its nostril. Bastard.
(moon monkey)
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK 2
Greed
Last week we asked what you'd done to get
*more* money, pie, sex, alcohol, kittens,
whatever? Go read how just simple, loveable old
toast spelt anal ruin for one small boy:
http://b3ta.com/questions/greed/
* "As a skint student, left with the choice
between beer and food one Friday night, I did
the obvious thing and chose beer. It was a good
choice until I got home, starving, having not
been able to afford my favoured Abdul's Kebab.
In the fridge, however, next to my Kwik Save
sausage roll and empty ketchup bottle that I
was still rinsing with vinegar to get the last
few drops from, was a huge, golden, succulent
roast chicken, with what looked like just two
or three slices already eaten. I reasoned that
whichever of my flatmates had cooked it
wouldn't miss one more slice and it was just
too tempting for hungry, salivating me to pass
up. I grabbed a knife and set about cutting
myself one thin, tasty slice. Only I hacked at
it a bit and it was too obvious, so it needed
tidying up, and anyway, I could just eat the
extra bits. Which I did, but it did was spark
my hunger. "So to hell with it," I thought, "I
can always just deny all knowledge, and anyway,
he won't mind if I just nick a leg, surely?"
only, it wasn't just a leg in the end; by the
time I was done there was just a slimy, picked
clean plate of chicken-skin and bone. Which, for
some reason, I put back in the fridge. I
toddled off to bed, satisfied and sleepy. Faced
with my flat mate the next morning, I denied
everything, saying that we'd all been out
separately the night before and it could have
been anyone. And I may have gotten away with
it, but as I went to unlock the door, I
couldn't find my keys. Only to hear a jingling
sound and turn round to my flatmate hanging
them by his fingers and saying, "Looking for
these? They were on the plate in the fridge."
I'm a criminal mastermind, me." (scarpe)
* "One of my friends once defrosted a
cheesecake before he and his girlfriend ate a
slice each. Later she went to bed, leaving him
in the lounge. After a while, he fancied some
more cheesecake... then a bit more. Finally, he
realised too much was gone for him not to look
like a fat, greedy bastard when she woke up.
What to do? Racking his brains, he came upon a
cunning plan. He ate the rest of the
cheesecake, got another one out of the freezer,
carefully cut a couple of slices ate those
frozen and went to bed. Where presumably he lay
awake all night sweating like a rapist and
praying for his indigestion to end." (Professor
Kenny Martin)
* "A Chinese 'all you can eat' restaurant that
I used to frequent liked to play the Carpenters
back to back all day every day... I always
hoped they'd done this on purpose to make
people feel subliminally guilty about eating
too much." (bROKEN aRROW)
>> This Week's Question: eccentricity <<
Tell us about random, completely hatstand stuff
and people you've seen. We love eccentricity:
http://b3ta.com/questions/randomstuff/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> World's biggest Pacman <<
Thousands of user generated levels. Looks a bit
mental, maybe someone could do the same idea
with Manic Miner?
http://worldsbiggestpacman.com/
>> Steve Buscemi Eyes vs. Tom Hanks <<
Your tumblr toss of the week is mostly about
American movie stars. Where's the British
answer to this? Oh, it's probably B3ta isn't it?
http://chickswithstevebuscemeyes.tumblr.com/
http://tomhanksimals.tumblr.com/
>> Mail Rail cracked by urban explorers <<
The Tube isn't the only underground train in
London, the other is a train for transporting
mail. Or was; sadly it was closed down, but
well done to these brave urban explorers for
getting a few photos for us to have a look. Now
can someone get into the sinister SIS building
on the Thames? Cheers.
http://post.ly/1vQnN
>> Corporate Skull <<
Comic about a guy who gets his face ripped off
in a photocopier accident. Still in early days
yet, but we like it.
http://www.corporateskull.com/comic/skull1-2/
>> Dead man art <<
Floating images of light, constructed from
1,871 slices of an executed murderer's cadaver.
These speak for themselves and are thoroughly
beautiful.
http://www.triangulationblog.com/2011/03/1231.html
>> What Makes Mainstream Media Mainstream? <<
We've been interested in Noam Chomsky recently,
largely off the back of recent cuts protests.
We noticed a bit of related graffiti saying
"read Chomsky" and thought, if someone's
prepared to be arrested to get that message out
then maybe it's worth a look. The crux of this
essay is media self-censorship: a journalist is
free to write about what he wants, but anybody
who was going to write anything iffy is
unlikely to have got the job in the first place.
http://www.chomsky.info/articles/199710--.htm
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Moving pictures on your CGA monitor
>> Vader & I <<
Withnail & I dialogue dubbed mostly over C3PO.
Wonderfully funny and makes us want to watch
Withnail & I again. For probably the 30th time,
then obsessively google Vivian MacKerrell, the
chappy Withnail was based upon.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
And if you fancy reading about Vivian, start
here:
http://goo.gl/DN60s
>> Lego Great Ball Contraption <<
Nearly 8 minutes of joy. This is like a
brilliant OK Go video without the bland &
instantly forgettable music:
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Lego_Great_Ball_Contrapt...
>> Arcade punching machine fail <<
Everything there is to know about comedy can be
learned from closely analysing this clip.
Everything.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Arcade_punching_machine_...
>> Jeremy Kyle mash up <<
We've just looked up Kyle on Wikipedia and the
best line? 'Kyle also suffers from Obsessive
Compulsive Disorder and has stated that he
"licks his mobile phone to make sure it's
clean", as stated in his book "I'm Only Being
Honest".'
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Jeremy_Kyle_whats_it_all...
>> How to trick a child. <<
We've tried this trick on our own kids and it
absolutely doesn't work.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_to_trick_a_child
>> Nose blow reaction baby returns <<
Babies. Our advice to you is to wear 2 condoms.
Not on your cock, but your face so you look so
awful that nobody will breed with you.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Nose_blow_reaction_baby_...
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Eye test
The Vomiting Hitchhiker writes, "Maybe I've
been reading b3ta too long. Is it just me that
needs a second glance at this?"
http://www.cutncover.co.uk/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the AV or Not Challenge
Last week we wanted you to convince us
to vote your way
Your favourites included:
* CELEBRITY - amidst all the lobbying and
campaigning, here's the great truth about the
Great British Vote (emvee)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10390308
* DOGSHIT - the most impressive plea on behalf
of AV we've yet seen. Take note (Newington)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10391777
* ODD - meanwhile, we've got absolutely no idea
what this one is about at all (etroroberto)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10390951
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/yesornotoav/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE #2
Results from the Mythical Creatures Challenge
Two weeks ago we wanted you to get busy
with dragons and unicorns, etc
Your favourites included:
* HULK - terrifying early footage of a
Manhattan monster (maiden)
http://b3ta.com/board/10386950
* GEEK - role-playing + war-gaming + model
railways = epic nerd win (emvee)
http://b3ta.com/board/write.php
* PONY - revealing to origins of a nightmare
(Fresh Water Mole)
http://b3ta.com/board/10387861
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/mythicalcreatures/
>> New challenge: Fatties <<
The British are the fattest people in Europe,
costing the NHS billion of pounds annually.
Let's find some worthwhile uses for these tubs
of lard, so that they may earn a place in
society. Challenge suggested by bunglist.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/usefulfatties/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* VEITCH DOES ANOTHER CRUSHA AD - this time
riffing off the Beyoncé song cynically crafted
to get spinsters rushing onto the dance-floor:
"Single Ladies".
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Beyonce_Crusha_Kittens
He's also been busily beavering away for the
Beeb. Here's his take on the Royal wedding
plans.
http://www.rathergood.com/will_and_kate
* HIDDEN QUO EASTER EGG - donald.fgt writes,
"Was having a look around the Tower Bridge HDR
photo linked on the latest newsletter, and
spotted some unusual guests at the Guoman
hotel. Have a look at the top of ramp leading
down to the boat, just to the right of the
bridge ... Quo!!" And if you can't be arsed to
dig it out and look, chris.oneill has supplied
a screengrab:
http://df0.myzen.co.uk/now_do_you_see_it.jpg
* "SINCE WHEN THE FUCK HAVE THE HAIRY BIKERS
BEEN BRUMMIE?" asks parkyone and many, many
others, as we misidentified them in a recent
newsletter. Truth be told our ignorance
represents a lack of interest their career.
Although a friend on facebook fancies them and
recently changed her Facebook status too, "I'd
love to be be the bacon in a Hairy Biker
sandwich, PHWOAR!"
* LOL O CLOCK - At the beginning of this month,
we asked for a Twitter account that, every
morning at 7:07, sends you the most popular
b3ta link of the previous 24 hours. Thanks Matt
Hickford for making that dream come true!
http://twitter.com/lol_o_clock
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: FRIDAY GAME
Pingy Penis Pencil Woo Woo Time
Push a blunt end of a pencil into your
clothing-covered groin and see how far you can
ping it. We can manage just over a foot.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* METH ME UP - Stuartian Macpherson says, "Meth
mugshot generator. Upload a picture of self,
and it will produce a series of mugshots of the
person's features, descending gradually into
meth-addicted disarray and dishevelment."
* WHO THE FUCK IS FLYING THAT COPTER? - Anthony
Sennett writes, "Helicopters randomly hovering
over a city on a sunny weekend are fucking
shit. They are rarely police helicopters
(though I question those too). Is there any way
we can have a website called which will give
one the phone numbers of all the
helicopter-owning people in a certain city so
one can find out just what the hell they think
they are doing?"
* ANGRY LETTERS - Matthew Furey-King demands,
"the 'Thing I would like to see' is a site
where people can upload their angry letters.
I'm always disappointed that my eloquent
outbursts of middle class rage are wasted on
dullard customer service operatives and don't
get to see the light of day."
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Subscribe: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by codepo8 Christian
Heilmann, mothdust charlotte, bengoldacre,
chuff monkey, Pedantichrist, Shiodome,
DMandrake, vandal, theledgendpete, pissflaps,
Fishcat. Top Tippery by The Archduke of South
London. Additional linkage and image challenge
by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlos by the legendary @BeauBodOr.
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TOP TIP:
Can't afford to go to Switzerland to euthanise
your gran? Dress her up as a dog and have her
put down at the local vets instead.
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Remember! Buy the KUNT MP3:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B004UC8S1...
