we love the web
email us

next issue »
« previous issue

This Week:
* EXPLORE - Inside Netto
* ROBOTS - for charity
* UNDERGROUND - Secret postman railway

________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "We're hiding from    
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |    the glorious
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     sunshine... together"

B3ta email 475 - 22 Apr 2011

Ask for this issue to be cancelled on e-Bay:

        Subs:  [email protected]
 Unsuboteurs:  [email protected]

 Get Kunt to no 1 for Royal Wedding! Buy now!

 "Seems to be gathering a bit of momentum this
 week," writes the indefatigable Kunt. "We're
 currently sitting at 68 in the midweeks and
 around 1000 downloads off of top 40! We're
 ahead of Xmas and I feel like we're almost
 brushing our stool against the cloth of the top

 "It's download day Monday - there are seven new
 versions which will come in under a fiver."
 Seven new versions?? He's not slacking!

 Anyway, it's half-term this week and if you
 need to keep the kids occupied, this child-safe
 remix might help:

 Buy the MP3 here. You owe it to B3ta, Kunt and
 your country.

 >> Sponsor B3ta <<
 Want this space? Then talk to us.


 Netto, Q&A, Fucksticks, Robots, Spock and Apocalypse

 >> "Scandinavian for value" <<
 "Last newsletter, you asked for someone to
 explain crazy foreign brands," reasons
 Sandettie Light Vessel Automatic. In the spirit
 of the great Victorian adventurers, he's bravely
 ventured into Netto - so you don't have to.

 >> Funny, odd, stupid and bizarre questions <<
 "I am a fan of Q&A sites and the occasional
 incisive questions that are asked," explains
 cnamhspairne. "However, the more I piss away
 time on Quora, Yahoo Answers and other sites,
 the more I realise that the inane, bizarre and
 off the wall questions that people ask there
 are the best part."

 >> I have been making a robot! <<
 "This is DON-8r," bleeps
 Timmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. "It's a fundraising
 robot, which I designed as my final year
 project for Uni. It's raising money for a local
 science centre (which is a registered charity)
 so all the money getting put into it is going
 to a good cause." We love this - an inspired
 combination of cute + a bit pathetic.

 >> What's in Spock's scanner - Part 2 <<
 "I said you guys would be the first to know
 when part two was ready," rasps Black Moon.
 "I've literally just uploaded it to YT." An
 ambitious, sprawling sequel, this is a literal
 bonanza for the Trekkies. Okay, not a literal
 bonanza, that would be a western.

 >> End of the World Notification Service <<
 "I've spent the day high on painkillers and sat
 before my computer researching when the end of
 the world will happen," writes stevierar. "I've
 collated my findings and made this helpful
 service. Some of the links are amazing; people
 are scary." Note that the world is due to end
 before midnight tonight, dear reader, so
 flattered you're spending these last few
 precious hours with us.



 Last week we asked for what makes the hairs go
 up on the back of your neck. :

 * THE DOOR - "Back when I was a baby my folks
 moved in to their first home. A decorating
 frenzy ensues and late one night my Dad (19)
 and my dad's brother (16) were scraping
 wallpaper only to find a door with no handle,
 just a keyhole. Obviously my old man thought,
 "I've got another room/cupboard, let's get it
 open." Grabbing a coathanger he sets about the
 lock and with a loud snick he and my Uncle pry
 it open. It came ajar with a massive ripping
 noise followed by a blood curdling scream.
 Needless to say my Dad and Uncle shat
 themselves and nearly killed each other getting
 out of room. Turns out the entire row of
 terraced houses used to be a dormitory for
 trainee priests and all the now separate houses
 are still connected by doors. The silly twats
 had ripped a door-shaped hole in the
 neighbours' wallpaper." (studdley ruffrod)
 * THE KEY - "I had been going out with the to
 be Mrs Ring of Fire for a little while, and
 earlier in the day had given her a copy of my
 front door key. How did the love of my life
 react to me moving our relationship to the next
 level? The very first night of key ownership
 she waited until 2am, let herself in, snuck
 into my bedroom, knelt down putting her mouth
 about an inch from my ear and from the back of
 her throat gurgled, "I'VE COME FOR YOUR SOUL"
 (Ring Of Fire)
 * THE SKULL - "Walking along the street, I come
 to a large lorry parked leaving just enough
 room to squeeze past between it and the fence.
 As I past, suddenly something lolls out of a
 gap in the wooden slats, mere inches from my
 face. It's pink and fleshy, with clumps of hair
 sprouting from it. It's scarred and caked in
 filth, but in a flash I recognise it as a
 deformed, shrivelled human head. Worse, where
 the eye should be there is just a gaping, empty
 socket, caked in blood. I let out a yell that
 caused cyclists to swerve and a flock of birds
 to wheel frantically into the air, and lurched
 back against the fence, cowering as far away
 from this ghastly apparition as I can. From
 where I can see that it is, in fact, a cow's
 nose. The eye socket is its nostril. Bastard.
 (moon monkey)



 Last week we asked what you'd done to get
 *more* money, pie, sex, alcohol, kittens,
 whatever? Go read how just simple, loveable old
 toast spelt anal ruin for one small boy:

 * "As a skint student, left with the choice
 between beer and food one Friday night, I did
 the obvious thing and chose beer. It was a good
 choice until I got home, starving, having not
 been able to afford my favoured Abdul's Kebab.
 In the fridge, however, next to my Kwik Save
 sausage roll and empty ketchup bottle that I
 was still rinsing with vinegar to get the last
 few drops from, was a huge, golden, succulent
 roast chicken, with what looked like just two
 or three slices already eaten. I reasoned that
 whichever of my flatmates had cooked it
 wouldn't miss one more slice and it was just
 too tempting for hungry, salivating me to pass
 up. I grabbed a knife and set about cutting
 myself one thin, tasty slice. Only I hacked at
 it a bit and it was too obvious, so it needed
 tidying up, and anyway, I could just eat the
 extra bits. Which I did, but it did was spark
 my hunger. "So to hell with it," I thought, "I
 can always just deny all knowledge, and anyway,
 he won't mind if I just nick a leg, surely?"
 only, it wasn't just a leg in the end; by the
 time I was done there was just a slimy, picked
 clean plate of chicken-skin and bone. Which, for
 some reason, I put back in the fridge. I
 toddled off to bed, satisfied and sleepy. Faced
 with my flat mate the next morning, I denied
 everything, saying that we'd all been out
 separately the night before and it could have
 been anyone. And I may have gotten away with
 it, but as I went to unlock the door, I
 couldn't find my keys. Only to hear a jingling
 sound and turn round to my flatmate hanging
 them by his fingers and saying, "Looking for
 these? They were on the plate in the fridge."
 I'm a criminal mastermind, me." (scarpe)
 * "One of my friends once defrosted a
 cheesecake before he and his girlfriend ate a
 slice each. Later she went to bed, leaving him
 in the lounge. After a while, he fancied some
 more cheesecake... then a bit more. Finally, he
 realised too much was gone for him not to look
 like a fat, greedy bastard when she woke up.
 What to do? Racking his brains, he came upon a
 cunning plan. He ate the rest of the
 cheesecake, got another one out of the freezer,
 carefully cut a couple of slices ate those
 frozen and went to bed. Where presumably he lay
 awake all night sweating like a rapist and
 praying for his indigestion to end." (Professor
 Kenny Martin)
 * "A Chinese 'all you can eat' restaurant that
 I used to frequent liked to play the Carpenters
 back to back all day every day... I always
 hoped they'd done this on purpose to make
 people feel subliminally guilty about eating
 too much." (bROKEN aRROW)

 >> This Week's Question: eccentricity <<
 Tell us about random, completely hatstand stuff
 and people you've seen. We love eccentricity:


 Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

 >> World's biggest Pacman <<
 Thousands of user generated levels. Looks a bit
 mental, maybe someone could do the same idea
 with Manic Miner?

 >> Steve Buscemi Eyes vs. Tom Hanks <<
 Your tumblr toss of the week is mostly about
 American movie stars. Where's the British
 answer to this? Oh, it's probably B3ta isn't it?

 >> Mail Rail cracked by urban explorers <<
 The Tube isn't the only underground train in
 London, the other is a train for transporting
 mail. Or was; sadly it was closed down, but
 well done to these brave urban explorers for
 getting a few photos for us to have a look. Now
 can someone get into the sinister SIS building
 on the Thames? Cheers.

 >> Corporate Skull <<
 Comic about a guy who gets his face ripped off
 in a photocopier accident. Still in early days
 yet, but we like it.

 >> Dead man art <<
 Floating images of light, constructed from
 1,871 slices of an executed murderer's cadaver.
 These speak for themselves and are thoroughly

 >> What Makes Mainstream Media Mainstream? <<
 We've been interested in Noam Chomsky recently,
 largely off the back of recent cuts protests.
 We noticed a bit of related graffiti saying
 "read Chomsky" and thought, if someone's
 prepared to be arrested to get that message out
 then maybe it's worth a look. The crux of this
 essay is media self-censorship: a journalist is
 free to write about what he wants, but anybody
 who was going to write anything iffy is
 unlikely to have got the job in the first place.


 Moving pictures on your CGA monitor

 >> Vader & I <<
 Withnail & I dialogue dubbed mostly over C3PO.
 Wonderfully funny and makes us want to watch
 Withnail & I again. For probably the 30th time,
 then obsessively google Vivian MacKerrell, the
 chappy Withnail was based upon.

 And if you fancy reading about Vivian, start

 >> Lego Great Ball Contraption <<
 Nearly 8 minutes of joy. This is like a
 brilliant OK Go video without the bland &
 instantly forgettable music:

 >> Arcade punching machine fail <<
 Everything there is to know about comedy can be
 learned from closely analysing this clip.

 >> Jeremy Kyle mash up <<
 We've just looked up Kyle on Wikipedia and the
 best line? 'Kyle also suffers from Obsessive
 Compulsive Disorder and has stated that he
 "licks his mobile phone to make sure it's
 clean", as stated in his book "I'm Only Being

 >> How to trick a child. <<
 We've tried this trick on our own kids and it
 absolutely doesn't work.

 >> Nose blow reaction baby returns <<
 Babies. Our advice to you is to wear 2 condoms.
 Not on your cock, but your face so you look so
 awful that nobody will breed with you.


 Eye test

 The Vomiting Hitchhiker writes, "Maybe I've
 been reading b3ta too long. Is it just me that
 needs a second glance at this?"


 Results from the AV or Not Challenge

 Last week we wanted you to convince us
 to vote your way

 Your favourites included:

 * CELEBRITY - amidst all the lobbying and
 campaigning, here's the great truth about the
 Great British Vote (emvee)

 * DOGSHIT - the most impressive plea on behalf
 of AV we've yet seen. Take note (Newington)

 * ODD - meanwhile, we've got absolutely no idea
 what this one is about at all (etroroberto)

 All these images, and the highest as voted by
 you can be found here:


 Results from the Mythical Creatures Challenge

 Two weeks ago we wanted you to get busy
 with dragons and unicorns, etc

 Your favourites included:

 * HULK - terrifying early footage of a
 Manhattan monster (maiden)

 * GEEK - role-playing + war-gaming + model
 railways = epic nerd win (emvee)

 * PONY - revealing to origins of a nightmare
 (Fresh Water Mole)

 All these images, and the highest as voted by
 you can be found here:

  >> New challenge: Fatties <<
 The British are the fattest people in Europe,
 costing the NHS billion of pounds annually.
 Let's find some worthwhile uses for these tubs
 of lard, so that they may earn a place in
 society. Challenge suggested by bunglist.


 Follow-ups on previous stories.

 riffing off the Beyoncé song cynically crafted
 to get spinsters rushing onto the dance-floor:
 "Single Ladies".

 He's also been busily beavering away for the
 Beeb. Here's his take on the Royal wedding

 * HIDDEN QUO EASTER EGG - donald.fgt writes,
 "Was having a look around the Tower Bridge HDR
 photo linked on the latest newsletter, and
 spotted some unusual guests at the Guoman
 hotel. Have a look at the top of ramp leading
 down to the boat, just to the right of the
 bridge ... Quo!!" And if you can't be arsed to
 dig it out and look, chris.oneill has supplied
 a screengrab:

 BEEN BRUMMIE?" asks parkyone and many, many
 others, as we misidentified them in a recent
 newsletter. Truth be told our ignorance
 represents a lack of interest their career.
 Although a friend on facebook fancies them and
 recently changed her Facebook status too, "I'd
 love to be be the bacon in a Hairy Biker
 sandwich, PHWOAR!"

 * LOL O CLOCK - At the beginning of this month,
 we asked for a Twitter account that, every
 morning at 7:07, sends you the most popular
 b3ta link of the previous 24 hours. Thanks Matt
 Hickford for making that dream come true!


 Pingy Penis Pencil Woo Woo Time
 Push a blunt end of a pencil into your
 clothing-covered groin and see how far you can
 ping it. We can manage just over a foot.



 Make something cool and tell us about it. If
 you are in it then people will see your stuff.

 Things we'd really like to see include

 * METH ME UP - Stuartian Macpherson says, "Meth
 mugshot generator. Upload a picture of self,
 and it will produce a series of mugshots of the
 person's features, descending gradually into
 meth-addicted disarray and dishevelment."

 Sennett writes, "Helicopters randomly hovering
 over a city on a sunny weekend are fucking
 shit. They are rarely police helicopters
 (though I question those too). Is there any way
 we can have a website called which will give
 one the phone numbers of all the
 helicopter-owning people in a certain city so
 one can find out just what the hell they think
 they are doing?"

 * ANGRY LETTERS - Matthew Furey-King demands,
 "the 'Thing I would like to see' is a site
 where people can upload their angry letters.
 I'm always disappointed that my eloquent
 outbursts of middle class rage are wasted on
 dullard customer service operatives and don't
 get to see the light of day."

 Send contributions via the mail form.

 BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
 been featured then don't be put off - we look
 at everything you send us.


 Subscribe:  [email protected]
 Unsubscribe:  [email protected]


 This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
 Stevenson. Stuff sent in by codepo8 Christian
 Heilmann, mothdust charlotte, bengoldacre,
 chuff monkey, Pedantichrist, Shiodome,
 DMandrake, vandal, theledgendpete, pissflaps,
 Fishcat. Top Tippery by The Archduke of South
 London. Additional linkage and image challenge
 by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
 Subjlos by the legendary @BeauBodOr.

 Can't afford to go to Switzerland to euthanise
 your gran? Dress her up as a dog and have her
 put down at the local vets instead.


 Remember! Buy the KUNT MP3:

next issue »
« previous issue