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NEWSLETTER: "DAVID BECKHAM HAS FRY ON HIS SHOULDER OVER OLYMPIC OMISSION"

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"DAVID BECKHAM HAS FRY ON HIS SHOULDER OVER OLYMPIC OMISSION"
"FUCK OFF OLYMPICS, WE'RE GOING TO PLAY CATCH INSTEAD"
"IS IT TOO LATE TO GIVE IT TO PARIS?"
This Week:
* VIDEO - Keith The Magic Homeless
* AUCTION - Jim'll Fix It chair for sale
* DRUGS - Two songs about Cocaine

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |"We're saving our toenails     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  to make a toenail page
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|      on Geocities"

B3ta email 537  - 13th July 2012

Print this issue out on a ZX81 thermal printer:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue537 

   Kisses :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Pisses : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
  Sonic Screwdriver Remote Control

  Who doesn't want to turn off their TV with
  Doctor Who's very own wand shouting
  "Exterminus!" Also works with iPod docks and
  will utterly not make you look like a twat.
http://bit.ly/NHmiAh


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK

  >> Keith The Magic Homeless <<
  "He's a magic tramp with a swirly portal in his
  gut that sometimes kills people," sings Paint
  my Album, to the theme tune of 'Keith the Magic
  Homeless'.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Keith_The_Magic_Homeless


  >> What is the Higgs Boson? <<
  "In case you heard the rumblings from the LHC
  last week, and the subsequent rush to explain
  what on Earth it means..." begins
  TheAlmightyBeev, "We thought we would put
  together a little video to explain what a Higgs
  Boson really is." Simple and effective.
  Relatively simple, at least.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/What_is_the_HIggs_Boson


  >> Sherlock Holmes: King of deduction <<
  "Here's a Sherlock sketch from our pilot,"
  explains Ted Riley. "Because all this started a
  few years ago when you people were so nice
  about our clips on here, and...and... blub...
  and... blub-blub... we just bloody love you all
  so much...BLUBBBBBBBB."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/A_Sherlock_sketch


  >> Greybloke on same sex marriage <<
  If you think same sex marriage should be
  legal, you may be misinformed. Such is the
  argument of monochrome shut-in somegreybloke.
http://bit.ly/MlYPY7


  >> Skyfall opening credits <<
  "I for one am getting very excited," sings
  thecrapgatsby. "Although rhymes for 'skyfall'
  turned out to be quite tricky..."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/First_look_at_Skyfall_opening_credits


  >> Man in a Cat <<
  A heartwarming comedy about a tiny man that
  lives inside a cat. "It stars Kevin Eldon,
  Josie Long, and Isabel Fay. Written by myself
  and director Louis Hudson," explains Ravonski,
  who, like all b3ta's contributors, is now
  reaping the benefits of BIG-TIME MEDIA SUCCESS.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/All_Consuming_Love_Man_in_a_Cat


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Cunning Plans

  Last week we asked if you had any cunning plans
  that were absolutely fool-proof and 100%
  guaranteed not to go wrong. How, we asked,
  did they go wrong, or are you still waiting
  for that fatal flaw to manifest itself?
http://b3ta.com/questions/cunningplans/


  * FUNNY MONEY - When I was a child I found a
  lot of money lying around the house in a box at
  home. There was so much money that I thought
  nobody would miss one of the crisp twenties, so
  I took one and ran out of the house. This was
  1982; £20 seemed like a fortune in those days,
  especially as a six year old. My cunning plan
  was to go to the shops at the top of the road
  and spend it all on sweets. In reality, this
  was a terrible idea but I didnít let logic get
  in the way of this genius plan. So I put on my
  boots and hat, grabbed my pet dog and made the
  short journey to the nearest shop. On entering,
  I was greeted by the shopkeeper, who looked a
  bit taken aback at how young I was, but asked
  how he could help. I asked for twenty quid's
  worth of cough candy and other different
  assortments of sugary goodness. He looked a
  little concerned that one so young had twenty
  pounds in the first place and enquired whether
  I had the money to pay for all this stuff.
  Quick as a flash, I proudly whipped out the
  crisp twenty and placed it on the counter.
  Rather than accept the note, he slowly walked
  up to the phone and said: "Is that Mr. Arrow?
  Great, because your son has raided your
  monopoly set again." (Broken Arrow)

  * DISHING THE DIRT - A cunning plan to minimise
  washing up and related chores: 1) Have 2
  dishwashers installed into your kitchen. 2) Own
  exactly enough crockery and cutlery to fill one
  of them, and no more. 3) Keep them all in one
  dishwasher. As you use them, place them back in
  the other one. 4) When that's full, simply run
  the cycle, then begin moving things in the
  other direction. Hey presto: no need to ever
  empty the dishwasher and put stuff away. (Moon
  Monkey)

  * SERIOUS BACKFIRE - I once had a cunning plan
  to seduce a bloke I rather fancied. During a
  party time at my parents' house, I nabbed an
  empty lemonade bottle and poured in bits of
  alcohol from various bottles, then topped it up
  with cola. Cunningly, knowing he was a smoker,
  I hid his fags and volunteered to go with him
  to the nearest garage to buy some more, taking
  my bottle of 'cocktail mix' with me. I made
  sure I took him to a garage a mile away, giving
  us plenty of time to drink my little potion. We
  walked, we talked, we bought fags, we sat in a
  field on the way back for a smoke and to drink
  more. Sitting in the moonlight, my head
  suddenly started to spin. I looked over at
  blokey and he smiled at me. I smiled back, he
  leaned in for a kiss, and I puked on his shirt.
  Needless to say, he was a bit miffed and I
  never got a snog. (Smash Monkey)


  >> This week - Burn in Hell << 
  "Repent ye sinners!" demands your Ginger
  Fuhrer. Tell us about a dreadful thing you've
  done that means you'll burn in Hell. If you're
  an atheist and don't believe in Hell, give
  yourself a pat on the back, and tell us tales
  of evil you've done that can be taken entirely
  out of context by nutbags.
http://b3ta.com/questions/burninhell/


-------------------------------------------------

: NEWSLETTER TIEBREAKER COMPO
  Sqweel 2 winners announced

  The best answers to the tiebreaker to win a
  very curious sex toy with 10 tongues were:

  "I'd like to use a Sqweel 2 to save me the
  bother of having to lick my wife's fanny."
  (mictoboy)

  "I'd like to use a Sqweel 2 to pitch to Apple
  as an innovative CPU cooling fan. Not only does
  it fit in with the aesthetic styling of their
  products, it also carries on their company
  ethos of bringing pleasure to cunts."
  (Draconacticus)

  "I would use this device to give little legless
  ducks the power to swim again." (prodigy69)

  Complete answers here:
http://b3ta.com/board/10801901

  Or read about the Sqweel 2 on the Lovehoney site.
  (Page it links to is sort of safe for work, if
  rubber tongues are safe for work - there's no
  nudey stuff anyway.)
http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=24042


-------------------------------------------------

: AMAZON TAT
  Innovations catalogue 2.0

  Jubtastic1, "Found one of those Amazon products
  with helpful reviews pages that give you the
  stiffies, it's for a book containing a million
  random numbers."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0833030477/b3ta-21


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Jim'll Fix It chair for sale <<
  If the dream you always wanted to come true is
  to actually own Jimmy Savile's amazing TV
  chair then you can 'fix it' for yourself at the
  low, low price of £12k.
http://bit.ly/MpN4ud


  >> Hansi, the girl who loved the Swastika <<
  Amazing children's book, from post-War America.
  She was going to be the best Nazi in her
  school, but then...
http://scr.bi/MlZ7hv


  >> "Metropolis" (1927) U.K. Premiere Programme. <<
  Fritz Lang's social dystopia is as relevant now
  as it ever was, but the extraordinary detail
  shoved into the programme isn't something we'd
  imagine seeing today, as cinema is now 99%
  selling sugary drinks and telling kids they are
  terrorists for downloading an MP3.
http://www.peterharrington.co.uk/blog/2012/07/metropolis/


  >> Kittens take over the BBC <<
  There's something quite lovely about every news
  story being represented by a happy kitten,
  rather than a miserable human being.
  Meowbify.com lets you do this to any site, in
  case you think the internet doesn't have enough
  cats. Stick it in your browser, meowser.
http://cat.www.bbc.co.uk.meowbify.com/news/


  >> Classic films in Ottoman style <<
  Movies, represented as exquisite ancient
  Middle-Eastern paintings including Clockwork
  Orange, which we recently re-watched and you
  should too.
http://on.be.net/Nv48hO


  >> Babies that look like Mark E Smith <<
  The Fall's raddled front-man reincarnated in
  baby form, like a hard-living Dalai Lama.
http://bit.ly/Nv4aGu


  >> Bad questions for Yahoo Answers <<
  Page after page of questions no normal, adult
  person could even conceive of. Basically, kids
  checking up on stuff they heard in the
  playground.
http://badquestionsforyahooanswers.blogspot.co.uk/


-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like TV but smaller and trickier to censor

  >> Cocaine song #1 <<
  A cheery cokehead sings about his wonderful
  life. Are the Lonely Island guys really that
  young? *googles* Aha, all born in 77/78, it's
  the magic of Hollywood then.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Drugs_is_bad_mkay


  >> Cocaine song #2 <<
  Annoyingly lovely close harmonies on another
  druggie melody - a little bit like the song
  Something Stupid meets the movie Traffic.
http://bit.ly/NgcXRG


  >> Boy films himself coming out to his mom <<
  Things to tell your your mum on camera:
  1. You've got AIDS
  2. You're joining scientology
  3. You're going to look for your real mum.
  This is number 4:
http://bit.ly/Mpo9bO


  >> The Dark Knight and 60's Robin <<
  Christian Bale's caped crusader and Burt Ward's
  boy wonder collide. Violently. (There's
  probably also humour to be had in taking audio
  from campy versions of superhero movies and
  sticking it on modern dark ones.)
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Dark_Knight_and_60s_Robin


  >> Douglas Adams & Peter Cook <<
  Total nerd-gasm - two legends on the same,
  topical news-based TV show. We'd forgotten
  HIGNFY had been going so long - Paul Merton
  looks like someone from the Happy Mondays. The
  one who was addicted to sausage rolls rather
  than Es.
http://bit.ly/Ngd67J


-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Funny like cancer is funny

  Plssilver writes, "I laughed like a child when
  I saw the PhD student's name." 
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-18783069


-------------------------------------------------

: FRIDAY GAME
  Mario Crossover

  Play classic Mario maps with Nintendo
  characters including Link, Samus, Bill R, Simon
  and Megaman. We like the one with a gun.
  Someone should remake Tetris with a gun.
http://www.mariocrossover.com/


-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the BBC Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to create something
  using only the pictures found on BBC 'News Day
  In Pictures.'

  Your favourites included:
 
  * ANDY MURRAY - he's worth about £24million -
  most of his cash from sponsorship deals,
  including changing his name to a popular brand
  of mints. (E Dubya)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10803396
 
  * SHOOTING THE QUEEN - this GIF is probably
  treason. To the Tower with Ham O'Shanter.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10804867
  
  * WATER FOUND ON MOON - quite exciting
  actually. Water will help us lube when we fuck
  a Clanger.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10801254

  
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/week-in-pictures/


  >> New challenge: Self portrait <<
  After about 10 years of us avoiding doing the
  self portrait challenge somehow it slipped
  through. We never wanted to run it as we always
  figured it's something that's of more interest
  to the person making the picture and not of
  huge interest to the audience. But hey, fuck
  it, we've been overruled.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/SelfPortrait/popular/
  

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * FAT I - Mong The Merciless writes, "Follow up
  on Leo losing weight. My ex-father in law could
  easily beat that. He lost 6 stone in four
  months with no dieting, exercise or any change
  in routine at all. Took drugs every day as
  well. Hardcore. But then he did have pancreatic
  cancer."
  
  * FAT II - jpkeates writes, "Re: CALORIES ON
  BOOZE PACKAGING. Obviously, the drinks industry
  doesn't want them as they're not good adverts.
  More to the point though, they'd be misleading.
  Your body normally has different ways to
  process incoming food, make the incoming energy
  available for use now or store it for later use
  (mostly as fat). Which way it processes or in
  what combination depends on how much food there
  is, what it is, what you're doing, your normal
  activity levels etc. Unless you're drinking
  alcohol. While the liver is processing the
  alcohol away (at a rate of one unit an hour)
  the body just thinks 'fuck it' and converts
  everything to fat. So calories in booze are
  'worse' than other calories, because they're
  basically going to be fat. Food eaten with
  booze, also. *sob*" Note that we have no idea
  if this is true - googling "fat and alcohol"
  produces a lot of conflicting advice. And some
  disturbing photos.

  * FAT III - "How fat are you compared to
  everyone else in the world?", asks Enzyme, "I
  come in at "average for Eritrea". Go me. Also,
  feel free to make your own jokes about /talk,
  /QotW, or internet users in general."
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-18770328


-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * 50 SHARDS OF GAY - fifty erotic fictions
  where the Shard has full, penetrative, anal sex
  with the custodians of the neolib dream, such
  as David Miliband, Jeremy Hunt and Danny
  Alexander. "The Shard's enormous point pressed
  into the small of David's back. 'I want you
  make you a woman, Miliband,' growled the
  building formerly known as the London Bridge
  Tower.
  
  * FACEBOOK WIND-UPS - cowboyfromhell121 writes,
  'Every time one of your friends posts a picture
  of themselves, immediately post a status simply
  stating the most noticeable garment that they
  are wearing e.g.; "Volcom cap!", "Black Sabbath
  t-shirt!".'

  * iPODS THAT PLAY TWO MP3s AT ONCE, so you can
  listen to audiobooks with a 130BPM beat - ideal
  for exercise etc. 

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


-------------------------------------------------

    Friends :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    Twats :  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by sPUNKer, mr_mekon,
  Scaryduck, BrokenCoccyx, Amadeus, BadBadman,
  Tab Hunter, tangledupinblue, Mex3, Stashie,
  pissflaps. Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Alistair Coleman is
  stand-in QOTW Bloke. Top tip 2 by Corbo. Find
  watching paint dry boring? 5mg of LSD will
  produce the most enthralling psychedelic
  hallucinations.  Subjlols via yanmania &
  Barbarossa. Chubby Checker, Fats Domino and
  Porky Pawn.
  
-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:
  Tabasco and Marmite make a great toast topping.
  Salty and hot - delicious. Much like spunk.

  TOP TIP 2: PIG IN THE CITY
  Achieve modern digital photo effects by printing
  your photo and leaving it in a frame for 30 years.

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