NEWSLETTER: "DAVID BECKHAM HAS FRY ON HIS SHOULDER OVER OLYMPIC OMISSION"
"DAVID BECKHAM HAS FRY ON HIS SHOULDER OVER OLYMPIC OMISSION"
"FUCK OFF OLYMPICS, WE'RE GOING TO PLAY CATCH INSTEAD"
"IS IT TOO LATE TO GIVE IT TO PARIS?"
This Week:
* VIDEO - Keith The Magic Homeless
* AUCTION - Jim'll Fix It chair for sale
* DRUGS - Two songs about Cocaine
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |"We're saving our toenails
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | to make a toenail page
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| on Geocities"
B3ta email 537 - 13th July 2012
Print this issue out on a ZX81 thermal printer:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue537
Kisses : [email protected]
Pisses : [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Sonic Screwdriver Remote Control
Who doesn't want to turn off their TV with
Doctor Who's very own wand shouting
"Exterminus!" Also works with iPod docks and
will utterly not make you look like a twat.
http://bit.ly/NHmiAh
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
>> Keith The Magic Homeless <<
"He's a magic tramp with a swirly portal in his
gut that sometimes kills people," sings Paint
my Album, to the theme tune of 'Keith the Magic
Homeless'.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Keith_The_Magic_Homeless
>> What is the Higgs Boson? <<
"In case you heard the rumblings from the LHC
last week, and the subsequent rush to explain
what on Earth it means..." begins
TheAlmightyBeev, "We thought we would put
together a little video to explain what a Higgs
Boson really is." Simple and effective.
Relatively simple, at least.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/What_is_the_HIggs_Boson
>> Sherlock Holmes: King of deduction <<
"Here's a Sherlock sketch from our pilot,"
explains Ted Riley. "Because all this started a
few years ago when you people were so nice
about our clips on here, and...and... blub...
and... blub-blub... we just bloody love you all
so much...BLUBBBBBBBB."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/A_Sherlock_sketch
>> Greybloke on same sex marriage <<
If you think same sex marriage should be
legal, you may be misinformed. Such is the
argument of monochrome shut-in somegreybloke.
http://bit.ly/MlYPY7
>> Skyfall opening credits <<
"I for one am getting very excited," sings
thecrapgatsby. "Although rhymes for 'skyfall'
turned out to be quite tricky..."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/First_look_at_Skyfall_op...
>> Man in a Cat <<
A heartwarming comedy about a tiny man that
lives inside a cat. "It stars Kevin Eldon,
Josie Long, and Isabel Fay. Written by myself
and director Louis Hudson," explains Ravonski,
who, like all b3ta's contributors, is now
reaping the benefits of BIG-TIME MEDIA SUCCESS.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/All_Consuming_Love_Man_i...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Cunning Plans
Last week we asked if you had any cunning plans
that were absolutely fool-proof and 100%
guaranteed not to go wrong. How, we asked,
did they go wrong, or are you still waiting
for that fatal flaw to manifest itself?
http://b3ta.com/questions/cunningplans/
* FUNNY MONEY - When I was a child I found a
lot of money lying around the house in a box at
home. There was so much money that I thought
nobody would miss one of the crisp twenties, so
I took one and ran out of the house. This was
1982; £20 seemed like a fortune in those days,
especially as a six year old. My cunning plan
was to go to the shops at the top of the road
and spend it all on sweets. In reality, this
was a terrible idea but I didn’t let logic get
in the way of this genius plan. So I put on my
boots and hat, grabbed my pet dog and made the
short journey to the nearest shop. On entering,
I was greeted by the shopkeeper, who looked a
bit taken aback at how young I was, but asked
how he could help. I asked for twenty quid's
worth of cough candy and other different
assortments of sugary goodness. He looked a
little concerned that one so young had twenty
pounds in the first place and enquired whether
I had the money to pay for all this stuff.
Quick as a flash, I proudly whipped out the
crisp twenty and placed it on the counter.
Rather than accept the note, he slowly walked
up to the phone and said: "Is that Mr. Arrow?
Great, because your son has raided your
monopoly set again." (Broken Arrow)
* DISHING THE DIRT - A cunning plan to minimise
washing up and related chores: 1) Have 2
dishwashers installed into your kitchen. 2) Own
exactly enough crockery and cutlery to fill one
of them, and no more. 3) Keep them all in one
dishwasher. As you use them, place them back in
the other one. 4) When that's full, simply run
the cycle, then begin moving things in the
other direction. Hey presto: no need to ever
empty the dishwasher and put stuff away. (Moon
Monkey)
* SERIOUS BACKFIRE - I once had a cunning plan
to seduce a bloke I rather fancied. During a
party time at my parents' house, I nabbed an
empty lemonade bottle and poured in bits of
alcohol from various bottles, then topped it up
with cola. Cunningly, knowing he was a smoker,
I hid his fags and volunteered to go with him
to the nearest garage to buy some more, taking
my bottle of 'cocktail mix' with me. I made
sure I took him to a garage a mile away, giving
us plenty of time to drink my little potion. We
walked, we talked, we bought fags, we sat in a
field on the way back for a smoke and to drink
more. Sitting in the moonlight, my head
suddenly started to spin. I looked over at
blokey and he smiled at me. I smiled back, he
leaned in for a kiss, and I puked on his shirt.
Needless to say, he was a bit miffed and I
never got a snog. (Smash Monkey)
>> This week - Burn in Hell <<
"Repent ye sinners!" demands your Ginger
Fuhrer. Tell us about a dreadful thing you've
done that means you'll burn in Hell. If you're
an atheist and don't believe in Hell, give
yourself a pat on the back, and tell us tales
of evil you've done that can be taken entirely
out of context by nutbags.
http://b3ta.com/questions/burninhell/
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: NEWSLETTER TIEBREAKER COMPO
Sqweel 2 winners announced
The best answers to the tiebreaker to win a
very curious sex toy with 10 tongues were:
"I'd like to use a Sqweel 2 to save me the
bother of having to lick my wife's fanny."
(mictoboy)
"I'd like to use a Sqweel 2 to pitch to Apple
as an innovative CPU cooling fan. Not only does
it fit in with the aesthetic styling of their
products, it also carries on their company
ethos of bringing pleasure to cunts."
(Draconacticus)
"I would use this device to give little legless
ducks the power to swim again." (prodigy69)
Complete answers here:
http://b3ta.com/board/10801901
Or read about the Sqweel 2 on the Lovehoney site.
(Page it links to is sort of safe for work, if
rubber tongues are safe for work - there's no
nudey stuff anyway.)
http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm
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: AMAZON TAT
Innovations catalogue 2.0
Jubtastic1, "Found one of those Amazon products
with helpful reviews pages that give you the
stiffies, it's for a book containing a million
random numbers."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/083303047...
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Jim'll Fix It chair for sale <<
If the dream you always wanted to come true is
to actually own Jimmy Savile's amazing TV
chair then you can 'fix it' for yourself at the
low, low price of £12k.
http://bit.ly/MpN4ud
>> Hansi, the girl who loved the Swastika <<
Amazing children's book, from post-War America.
She was going to be the best Nazi in her
school, but then...
http://scr.bi/MlZ7hv
>> "Metropolis" (1927) U.K. Premiere Programme. <<
Fritz Lang's social dystopia is as relevant now
as it ever was, but the extraordinary detail
shoved into the programme isn't something we'd
imagine seeing today, as cinema is now 99%
selling sugary drinks and telling kids they are
terrorists for downloading an MP3.
http://www.peterharrington.co.uk/blog/2012/07/metr...
>> Kittens take over the BBC <<
There's something quite lovely about every news
story being represented by a happy kitten,
rather than a miserable human being.
Meowbify.com lets you do this to any site, in
case you think the internet doesn't have enough
cats. Stick it in your browser, meowser.
http://cat.www.bbc.co.uk.meowbify.com/news/
>> Classic films in Ottoman style <<
Movies, represented as exquisite ancient
Middle-Eastern paintings including Clockwork
Orange, which we recently re-watched and you
should too.
http://on.be.net/Nv48hO
>> Babies that look like Mark E Smith <<
The Fall's raddled front-man reincarnated in
baby form, like a hard-living Dalai Lama.
http://bit.ly/Nv4aGu
>> Bad questions for Yahoo Answers <<
Page after page of questions no normal, adult
person could even conceive of. Basically, kids
checking up on stuff they heard in the
playground.
http://badquestionsforyahooanswers.blogspot.co.uk/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like TV but smaller and trickier to censor
>> Cocaine song #1 <<
A cheery cokehead sings about his wonderful
life. Are the Lonely Island guys really that
young? *googles* Aha, all born in 77/78, it's
the magic of Hollywood then.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Drugs_is_bad_mkay
>> Cocaine song #2 <<
Annoyingly lovely close harmonies on another
druggie melody - a little bit like the song
Something Stupid meets the movie Traffic.
http://bit.ly/NgcXRG
>> Boy films himself coming out to his mom <<
Things to tell your your mum on camera:
1. You've got AIDS
2. You're joining scientology
3. You're going to look for your real mum.
This is number 4:
http://bit.ly/Mpo9bO
>> The Dark Knight and 60's Robin <<
Christian Bale's caped crusader and Burt Ward's
boy wonder collide. Violently. (There's
probably also humour to be had in taking audio
from campy versions of superhero movies and
sticking it on modern dark ones.)
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Dark_Knight_and_60s_...
>> Douglas Adams & Peter Cook <<
Total nerd-gasm - two legends on the same,
topical news-based TV show. We'd forgotten
HIGNFY had been going so long - Paul Merton
looks like someone from the Happy Mondays. The
one who was addicted to sausage rolls rather
than Es.
http://bit.ly/Ngd67J
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Funny like cancer is funny
Plssilver writes, "I laughed like a child when
I saw the PhD student's name."
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-18783069
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: FRIDAY GAME
Mario Crossover
Play classic Mario maps with Nintendo
characters including Link, Samus, Bill R, Simon
and Megaman. We like the one with a gun.
Someone should remake Tetris with a gun.
http://www.mariocrossover.com/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the BBC Challenge
Last week we wanted you to create something
using only the pictures found on BBC 'News Day
In Pictures.'
Your favourites included:
* ANDY MURRAY - he's worth about £24million -
most of his cash from sponsorship deals,
including changing his name to a popular brand
of mints. (E Dubya)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10803396
* SHOOTING THE QUEEN - this GIF is probably
treason. To the Tower with Ham O'Shanter.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10804867
* WATER FOUND ON MOON - quite exciting
actually. Water will help us lube when we fuck
a Clanger.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10801254
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/week-in-pictures/
>> New challenge: Self portrait <<
After about 10 years of us avoiding doing the
self portrait challenge somehow it slipped
through. We never wanted to run it as we always
figured it's something that's of more interest
to the person making the picture and not of
huge interest to the audience. But hey, fuck
it, we've been overruled.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/SelfPortrait/popular/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* FAT I - Mong The Merciless writes, "Follow up
on Leo losing weight. My ex-father in law could
easily beat that. He lost 6 stone in four
months with no dieting, exercise or any change
in routine at all. Took drugs every day as
well. Hardcore. But then he did have pancreatic
cancer."
* FAT II - jpkeates writes, "Re: CALORIES ON
BOOZE PACKAGING. Obviously, the drinks industry
doesn't want them as they're not good adverts.
More to the point though, they'd be misleading.
Your body normally has different ways to
process incoming food, make the incoming energy
available for use now or store it for later use
(mostly as fat). Which way it processes or in
what combination depends on how much food there
is, what it is, what you're doing, your normal
activity levels etc. Unless you're drinking
alcohol. While the liver is processing the
alcohol away (at a rate of one unit an hour)
the body just thinks 'fuck it' and converts
everything to fat. So calories in booze are
'worse' than other calories, because they're
basically going to be fat. Food eaten with
booze, also. *sob*" Note that we have no idea
if this is true - googling "fat and alcohol"
produces a lot of conflicting advice. And some
disturbing photos.
* FAT III - "How fat are you compared to
everyone else in the world?", asks Enzyme, "I
come in at "average for Eritrea". Go me. Also,
feel free to make your own jokes about /talk,
/QotW, or internet users in general."
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-18770328
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* 50 SHARDS OF GAY - fifty erotic fictions
where the Shard has full, penetrative, anal sex
with the custodians of the neolib dream, such
as David Miliband, Jeremy Hunt and Danny
Alexander. "The Shard's enormous point pressed
into the small of David's back. 'I want you
make you a woman, Miliband,' growled the
building formerly known as the London Bridge
Tower.
* FACEBOOK WIND-UPS - cowboyfromhell121 writes,
'Every time one of your friends posts a picture
of themselves, immediately post a status simply
stating the most noticeable garment that they
are wearing e.g.; "Volcom cap!", "Black Sabbath
t-shirt!".'
* iPODS THAT PLAY TWO MP3s AT ONCE, so you can
listen to audiobooks with a 130BPM beat - ideal
for exercise etc.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
-------------------------------------------------
Friends : [email protected]
Twats : [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by sPUNKer, mr_mekon,
Scaryduck, BrokenCoccyx, Amadeus, BadBadman,
Tab Hunter, tangledupinblue, Mex3, Stashie,
pissflaps. Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Alistair Coleman is
stand-in QOTW Bloke. Top tip 2 by Corbo. Find
watching paint dry boring? 5mg of LSD will
produce the most enthralling psychedelic
hallucinations. Subjlols via yanmania &
Barbarossa. Chubby Checker, Fats Domino and
Porky Pawn.
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TOP TIP:
Tabasco and Marmite make a great toast topping.
Salty and hot - delicious. Much like spunk.
TOP TIP 2: PIG IN THE CITY
Achieve modern digital photo effects by printing
your photo and leaving it in a frame for 30 years.
