NEWSLETTER: "WELLARD, YOU STEER AND I'LL PRESS THE PEDALS"
"WELLARD, YOU STEER AND I'LL PRESS THE PEDALS"
This Week:
* LANCE ARMSTRONG - is a creep
* JIMMY SAVILE - dances for your pleasure
* BILL GATES - can jump over a chair
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We are lucky cows, we
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | surf the web & browse"
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B3ta email 566 - 1 Feb 2013
Read this issue without moving your lips:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue566
Chums : [email protected]
Scum : [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Ok, it's Amazon Tat. Whatever.
>> Semen cooking <<
Available for sale on Lulu for a while but the
joy of this text reaching Amazon is of course
the reviews.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/148122704...
>> Drone toy <<
Military drone as child's toy. Some great
reviews, if you think flying death-bots as kids'
toys are funny.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B004JFMOGK/...
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
>> Official Cockerney™ Rhyming Slang Translator <<
"If you've ever been tempted by the venerable
tradition of talking like a 19th-century
costermonger, but don't have the right
vocabulary, then this site is for you," brags
Amish Information Systems. An invaluable guide
to blending in down Laaaahndon way.
http://moteprime.org/cockerney/
>> The Dragon Maker <<
"Did you know that if you take Duncan
Bannatyne's eyes & nose, mix them with Deborah
Meaden's mouth and Peter Jones' head, it looks
a little like Frank Skinner?" inquires
Q4nobody.co.uk. Create the venture capitalist
chimera of your choice with this surprisingly
pleasing feature-swap.
http://www.earlyshakespeare.com/dragonmaker.html
>> Simon Cowell stitches up Superpowerless <<
B3tan @superpowerless was recently approached to
be on Britain's Got Talent. Here is his formal
complaint.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Low-rez Twitter toy <<
Make some pixelly art for the tweeting. "Fans of
ludicrously low-res graphics might want to have
a play," write screator Matt Round. "@15by7 will
retweet the best efforts."
http://15by7.com
>> "How I seduced my wife" by Joel Veitch <<
"Hey blud i dun a new thing, with Butters,"
types the internet's Joel Veitch. This is almost
certainly how it went down.
http://b3ta.com/links/I_Love_You_So_Hard_Part_2
>> Jimmy Savile Remix <<
"I've waited my 30 days probation," explains
smearballs. "And finally I'm allowed to release
this." Grotesque performing paedophile, somehow
made even more disturbing with the patented
smearballs treatment.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Jimmy_Savile_Remix
>> Joe Pesci Grammar Correction <<
"Self explanatory," explains somegreybloke.
Funny, like a clown.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Joe_Pesci_Grammar_Correc...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Inflated Self Importance
We wanted your stories of stuck-up self
important arses you've had to deal with. Of
course, we were far too busy to read them
ourselves:
http://b3ta.com/questions/selfimportant/
* THE WATCH - "My dad is the mad old bloke who
runs the Neighbourhood Watch like it's a military
operation. His team invited the local policeman
to do a talk, who asked what they would like from
their local police force. "Fight crime!" they
said, but the policeman replied despondently
that there had been no real crime in that part
of Surrey for years. Racking her brain, one lady
complained that the local sixth formers drove
ever so carelessly and fast, and suggested a
speed trap. This he did, unannounced, the
following week. He caught one sixth former...
and the lady who had made the complaint."
(browser)
* CHIPS - "I wouldn't call the lady that runs
the cafe in the Ethiopian Airport at Dire Dawa
an official. But she has a uniform. "Can I have
some chips?" "Can't have chips, not on the menu"
"Whats that?" I point to a lady eating chips
"Egg sandwich" "I'll have an Egg Sandwich
please" "It is not on the menu... but I can make
it" "Yes please, two Egg Sandwiches, they come
with chips?" "Yes" "Thank you" (To be honest
this is nothing. In Ethiopia it is still 2005,
they have 13 months a year and time starts at
6am.)" (doktored)
* NOT FUNNY - "Browsing my local freecycle, I
read that one woman had, "just got a new dog -
he's quite small and cold. Does anyone have any
dog jackets?" Chuckling to myself, I made my own
ad: "Just got a Korean cookbook - does anyone
have any small dogs, preferably cold." And the
shit hit the fan. Self-righteous board moderator
banned me and another freecycler for daring to
laugh at my ad." (snee)
>> This Week - MORE PET STORIES <<
Scaryduck's dog died last week, and he's sick of
people sending him that stupid Rainbow Bridge
poem. Tell us about excellent (or rubbish) pets:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/morepetstories/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Glowing testimonial... <<
Insurance claimant gives a much too specific
testimonial statement. Check it out and get a
web designer fired today!
http://www.accidentclaims.org/
>> Why Unicorn Drinks <<
Rather dark spoof kids' book about the sadnesses
of Mister Unicorn's life.
http://bit.ly/RKKlme
>> Kate Bush Spectrum Art <<
If we could be arsed, we'd do similar for the
track Spectrum by Florence and the Machine Code.
http://i.am.cool.oleg.lt/kt/
>> Annoying things clients say to designers <<
Although it's missing our favourite, "you're
fired and we're not paying you."
http://sharpsuits.net/Home
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like TV but on the web! Woo hoo!
>> Lance Armstrong is a creep <<
When you give a two-hour interview with Oprah,
you have to expect that people will match your
words to a Radiohead song. Shame Lance wasn't
sampled earlier in his career - we might have
known about the blood doping earlier.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Hes_a_Creep
>> Bill Gates jumping over a chair <<
Damn, look at him soaring like an eagle. Steve
Jobs couldn't match these moves even when he
was alive.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Mooncup vs Tampon rap battle <<
This is almost certainly a faithful depiction of
what goes on behind the closed doors of the
ladies' toilets. For our money, Tampon Crew have
the best insults. But it's not our money.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Lion King 3D <<
Classic Disney vastly improved with the CGI
treatment. One of the most amazing things you'll
see this year.
http://bit.ly/Xpgi2n
>> Hellish song rewrite <<
Anyone who's had a boss can relate to this
extraordinary tale of a song being rewritten 19
times to please the people who are paying for it.
http://bit.ly/WagCDI
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the sausages challenge
Last week we wanted you to celebrate beards
Your favourites included:
* JAMIE OLIVER MAKING SAUSAGES - yes, it's as
rude as it sounds. (herman:D)
http://b3ta.com/board/10918623
* GRANGE HILL TERROR SAUSAGE - ooh, a little bit
of satire here. (monkeon)
http://b3ta.com/board/10915568
* HOW SAUSAGES ARE MADE - manufacture is full of
surprises. (happytoast)
http://b3ta.com/board/10917403
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/son-of-sausages/
>> New challenge: Don't Visit Britain <<
The Government are thinking of launching a
poster campaign to discourage people from coming
to Britain - basically because they think
pandering to racists will distract the public
from their total fucking over the economy. Sad
thing is, they're probably right.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/britain-is-rubbish/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* PENIS PROVERBS - Happosai writes, "As
requested in the 'things we'd like to see'
section of this week's newsletter. It's a
quick'n'dirty reworking of something, which I
wrote a few years ago for the same reason."
http://www.tabbron.com/proverb/penis.html
* MISSING NEWSLETTER Enzyme writes, "Also,
whatever happened to newsletter 564?" We're very
superstitious about the number 564. It's
extremely sinister. OK, we got mixed up.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* ADDRESS LINE TWITTER GAMES - Matt Round writes
- after "data:text/html,<script></script>"
you’re left with 108 chars - is it possible to
get a game into a tweet..?
* BORED OF BACON / KITTENS / GIFS - what next
for the hive-mind that can't concentrate?
* SOCIAL NETWORK / CLOUD THAT DOESN'T GRANT
ACCESS TO RANDOM AUTHORITIES - we remember
privacy. Used to be nice.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Lovers: [email protected]
Shovers: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Leemondus,
PintOfGuinness, the_ref, Linbox, Art101,
@maryepworth, Coubs, PhosphorBurnedEyes,
The Great Architect.
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols via Smallbrainfield.
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TOP TIP:
Finding it tricky to locate something online?
Simply tweet, "X is ungoogleable" & some sap
will spend hours hunting it down to prove you
wrong.
