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NEWSLETTER: "PRINT OFF AND BURN WHEN YOU KNOW THE NEW POPE"

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This Week:
* R KELLY - and his musical twitching
* TRENT REZNOR - Call Me Maybe mashup
* YOKO ONO - lalalala uh uh uh uh eeeeow!

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "Fuck knows if the web
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  is worth saving but
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|  it is occasionally fun"

B3ta email 571  - 8 Mar 2013

Read this issue pretending to be a Dalek:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue571

   Pub   :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Unpub : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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: AMAZON TAT (sponsored link)
  Rotten products & dumb reviews

  * JOHN LESLIE GREETING CARDS - lots of shouting
  this week about a t-shirt with a rapey slogan
  on it - the joy of basically making products
  via algorithm and being too tight to vet for
  offensiveness. Not quite as extreme, this
  example - but tricky to see how to send without
  causing offense.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B007MXYWVG/b3ta-21

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Lyrics, R Kelly and ponies

  >> R Kelly Cut <<
  "Good morning," greets swedemason. "I butchered
  R Kelly's Jools Holland performance." An epic,
  slightly smug musical steam-train; if you only
  click one item out of the b3ta section, make it
  this 'un.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/R_Kelly_Cut


  >> A history of lyric videos <<
  "I did some fancy dynamic typography - and made
  a Brief History of Lyric Videos!" growls Tom
  Scott, tracking the graphics trend so beloved
  of today's hip and groovy record company
  executives.
http://youtu.be/3P0BKrOlBVM


  >> Moonwalking Shetland Pony: The Sequel <<
  "Fighting off raging hangovers made us a little
  bit sick of that dancing pony," explains
  Cope&Dalton. We'd like that particular ad a lot
  more if it had actually been for Scottish
  tourism, not trying so hard to shout "we make
  viral! lol!"
http://bit.ly/X3bpkD


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Where did it all go wrong?

  Last week we wanted to know the tipping point
  that pushed your life downhill:
http://b3ta.com/questions/allwentwrong/

  * DOG - "I sent a CV for a job last week. I
  re-read it again today and as a placeholder in
  the skills section I'd written 'I once fucked a
  puppy' until I could think of a final skill to
  round it out. Then had forgotten to replace it.
  I've not heard back from them yet. It's a nice
  job and would allow me to work in a country I
  want to live. Maybe this will be where it all
  went wrong." (cumquat may)

  * DAD - "When I spotted two young women in
   micro-skirts walking towards me one November
   evening the first thought that crashed across
   my mind was, 'I bet their legs are cold.'
   I was 39."
(Larry Death)

  * DUDS - "A young Emvee had been encouraged
   by his school to apply to Oxford and, with
   an interest in doing PPE at Jesus College, I
   attended an open day. I liked the university
   and understood that if the 'informal' chat
   with the Professor went well I'd be offered
   a place, so, along with about 20 others, I
   trooped into his study. He'd just got into
   his introduction when there was a knock at
   the door and this girl arrived late. She was
   a 10, no question, with beautiful brunette
   hair, lovely face and a stunning body - I
   was more or less smitten at first sight.
   Being late, there weren't any chairs left.
   The Professor rummaged around behind his
   desk and managed to find her a small stool
   to sit on directly opposite me. Even though
   she was wearing a long skirt, it had a split
   up the middle at the front. This and my 18
   year-old libido were to prove my downfall as
   it allowed me a perfect view of her knickers.
   There I was, musing happily to myself, "Mmm,
   they're white, they're lacy and I can just
   about see a little bit of bush behind them"
   when I realised the study had gone quiet
   and everyone seemed to be looking at me.
   I'd been asked a question about the European
   Union or some such shit. I had to confess
   that I had no idea what they was talking
   about. I never got an offer and I didn't go
   to Oxford, all for a brief glimpse of gusset."
(emvee)


  >> This Week - I HURT MY BITS AGAIN <<
  It's been a while since we winced at your
  damaged genitalia so, go on, roll them out
  for us all to see:
http://b3ta.com/questions/ihurtmyrudebits2/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Call Me A Hole <<
  Industrial rock meets jaunty pop, in one of
  those rare mash-ups that manages to seem,
  somehow, inevitable: Nine Inch Nails 'Head Like
  A Hole' vs. Carly Rae Jepsen's 'Call Me Maybe'.
http://bit.ly/ZaEzJ8


  >> Pet-shaming <<
  Hangdog animals, pictured with hand-drawn signs
  that describe their embarrassing
  transgressions. eg. "I like to eat the crotches
  out of ladies' jeans."
http://bit.ly/PI2GNn


  >> Roy Lichtenstein crap at comics shock <<
  Tying in with the current Lichtenstein
  retrospective at the Tate, here are all the
  original comic panels copied by the fabulously
  successful pop artist. He did not make the best
  job of it.
http://bit.ly/vd9lo


  >> Every Fucking Website <<
  Embittered web designer creates the most
  stereotypical site in the world.
http://everyfuckingwebsite.com/


  >> 1970s council website <<
  The northern UK borough of Scarfolk has never
  progressed 1979. Quaint news, scares and
  graphic design of that long-ago period.
http://scarfolk.blogspot.co.uk/


  >> Behind the scenes Bond pics <<
  From back when Bond was in its prime - yep,
  these are 60s pics, campy, full of weird energy
  and strange, sexy people. Who are now pensioners.
http://bit.ly/Wal59P


  >> Thumbs & ammo <<
  Movie tough guys don't really need guns - just
  a cheery thumbs-up.
http://www.thumbsandammo.blogspot.co.uk/


  >> The Express front page bingo <<
  The Express is a very special paper - like the
  Daily Mail's less gifted brother - and it likes
  to stick with what it knows. Interesting,
  bingo-themed article tracking their 12 most
  well-worn subjects.
http://bit.ly/ZXYptl


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO

  >> Yoko Ono's Good Life theme <<
  Crowd-pleasing Ono belts out a spectacular
  rendition of the iconic 70s sitcom melody.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IU8Ku8A03VA


  >> The Runner <<
  One of the runners on Call the Midwife shot
  this on his lunchbreaks - nice little slice of
  life on showbusiness's bottom rung.
http://buff.ly/YEjZUF


  >> Anti-retouch Photoshop action <<
  Inventive campaign from Dove, ambushing art
  directors who retouch the pictures used in ads.
  Slightly mis-targeted, of course, since art
  directors generally don't make the call on
  these things, so it just makes them feel bad
  about their job.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m0JF4QxPpvM


  >> Mila Kunis interview off-script <<
  A PR junket-fatigued Mila Kunis turns the
  tables on her Radio 1 interviewer and
  disarmingly engages him in a meandering
  conversation that eventually leads to her
  agreeing to a night out with him and his mates
  at a Nandos in Watford.
http://ind.pn/ZbRRbI


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
  Not funny but you don't read comedy
  newsletters for laughs do you?

  * Nominative determinism at The Times -
  Considering the seriousness of this crime
  it's in pretty poor taste to get this guy to
  report on it. They could at least used a
  pseudonym like Ivanna Fukkids.
http://pic.twitter.com/EgnZkL7Kse


  * REGULATION LOLS - possibly the least funny
  thing you'll ever see. Promise you won't smile.
http://bit.ly/W8c1m4


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: LONG THINGS TO READ ON YOUR AMAZON SWINDLE
  Should you be on a bus or something

  Our reading habit at the moment is to scoot
  around Twitter for 5 mins, hoovering up long,
  interesting articles. We then copy them to the
  Kindle using a Chrome plug-in that simply Alt +
  K magically fires them to your choice of
  reading device. Then we go back to bed. Stuff
  we've read (and enjoyed) this week includes:

  * LONG, MOVING, TRAGIC ACCOUNT OF THE AARON
  SWARTZ INVESTIGATION - Quite what the
  difference is between America and the darkest
  days of the Soviet Union is anyone's guess.
http://bit.ly/ZTSaqi


  * HISTORY OF US ASSASSINATION - published on
  the rather good NSFWCorp site run by Paul Carr,
  who some of you maybe remember for running B3ta
  newsletter rival The Friday Project. Good to
  see Paul doing so well and investing in
  journalism. We also liked the
  perspective-turning statement that described
  post-Watergate as a "brief period of American
  Glasnost."
https://www.nsfwcorp.com/dispatch/assassinations/


  * MUSING ON ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE - what
  happens if/when we create an intelligence
  greater than our own? Reminds us a little of
  the 1970 movie Colossus: The Forbin Project.
http://bit.ly/YQQU6h


  * WOMAN HAS 25 DATES IN ONE NIGHT - pretty sure
  we've featured @C_T_S's blog at some point -
  she's been on a 52-date mission and how can you
  top that? By doing similar in a night.
  Definitely one to read on a Kindle as the font
  choice is mind bending.
http://bit.ly/13EM2XK


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: APP OF THE WEEK
  Citymapper

  A London travel app that has literally changed
  our lives - we're finally not lost in London.
  Even South London. You simply type where you
  want to go and it tells you which bus, train,
  etc to get. It's basically like a version of
  TFL Journey Planner that actually works.
http://citymapper.com/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Patriarchy Challenge

  Last week we demanded you smash the
  patriarchy. And you smashed its face.

  Your favourites included:

  * CHAT: where someone will always listen,
    albeit via premium rate phone line (The
    Silent Channel)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10934865

  * BOTTOM: classic Athena poster given
    the kind of makeover you cannot un-see
    (The Twisted Omentum)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10934895

  * SHOES: a small step for man, a dainty
    skip for womankind (prodigy69)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10934413

  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/smash-the-patriarchy/


  >> New challenge: Sheep! <<
  Sheep are amazing. They're bundles of
  fluffy white joy, yet they're utterly
  stupid. This makes them perfect subjects
  for this week's image challenge. Which is
  what they are
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/sheep/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * KUNT EDINBURGH SHOW - watch it in full here -
  called 'Kunt's On Daytime TV Edinburgh' and,
  despite being long and just Kunt rambling away
  on stage, it's extremely watchable.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nij3mJAYCIo


  * UNDEADTEDS CONQUER AMERICA - NobbyNobody
  remembers to big us up by saying, "Thanks to
  the exposure UndeadTeds received through the
  B3ta Newsletter it's all gone a bit mad. One of
  my horrible, little bears appeared with Toni
  Braxton and Anderson Cooper on CNN's national
  syndicated talk show 'Anderson Live'"
http://www.b3ta.com/links/UndeadTeds_conquers_America


  * SUPERPOWERLESS KEEPS ON WITH DRAWING
  MASTERCLASS - apparently he's earned more
  selling £5 drawings of people's profile pics
  than he's done doing music in the last few
  months.
http://bit.ly/15Cfaxp


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * MONEY FOR OLD ROPE - first we need to collect
    some old rope.

  * BACON THAT DOESN'T KILL YOU - rather depressed
    about all this stuff about processed meat giving
    you cancer.

  * WASHING MACHINES THAT TAKE 10 MINS TO WASH
    CLOTHES - for fucks sake technology - why does
    this shit take so long?

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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    Engaged:    b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    Separation: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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I like my women like I like my coffee.
Thoughtful, funny and defiant against the
patriarchy. Sorry, I'm shit at ordering coffee.

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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by mozza,
  &#8207;@thesaharadesert, @lespence, UltimateMonkey,
  &#8207;@SetecAstronomy, &#8207;@mrmarkreed,
  &#8207;@lizziegolucky, @chthonicionic,
  @welsh_gas_doc and SpookySpoon.
  Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Top tips via (username failed moderation)
  Subjlols via The Twisted Omentum

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  TOP TIP:
 Vegetarians! Make people think you're not a
 vegetarian by eating a Big Mac.

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