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NEWSLETTER: "B3TA BAILOUT TO TAKE 10% OF YOUR LOLS"

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This Week:
* STREETVIEW - Nightmarishly unleashed
* ADSENSE - Comically misunderstood
* THE IMPERIAL DEATH STAR - an inside job?

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're dicking around
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   and hoping that no one 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     will make us stop"

B3ta email 573  - 22 March 2013

Read this issue whilst hoping you win lottery:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue573

   Sub :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Sob : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: BEEF HOUSE (SPONSORED LINK)
  A brand new series from Mr Weebl!

  Accused of selling 3% meat sausages by a
  shadowy cabal of vegans, four of the world's
  greatest meatmongers have gone underground as
  butchers of fortune. They intend to clear
  their names and right meat-based wrongs
  wherever they find them. It's time to take a
  trip to... the Beef House.
http://is.gd/BeefHouse


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Gearshifts, Pope, StreetView, Steamers & Horse

  >> 2 Fast 2 Many Gearshifts <<
  "Help! I'm going a bit random," cries Black
  Moon, as he fixates on the most important
  elements of the 2 Fast 2 Furious action
  franchise.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/2_Fast_2_Many_Gearshifts


  >> Pope Francis in 47 seconds <<
  "Everything you wanted to know about the
  happy-go-lucky Jesuit," promises Glen Do, of
  Pithy News.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Pope_Francis_in_47_seconds


  >> The New View You <<
  "A short film about Google Street View,"
  informs Sheep! Which is underselling what is
  basically the Inception of Street View.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_New_View_You


  >> Unboxing the Russell Hobbs 9l 3-Tier Food Steamer <<
  "God I love steaming," confesses
  misterbrilliant, lovingly caressing the
  pristine cardboard of his culinary powerhouse
  (£29.99).
http://bit.ly/WJ4qdL


  >> Professor Elemental - This is my horse <<
  Thought it was about time for a new Professor
  Elemental video," writes director Moog. "It's
  rather fun, and we only missed a splendid news
  related tie-in by a couple of weeks. But you
  can pretend can't you? You're imaginative
  folks." Please make the next one about the
  Pope.
http://bit.ly/WJ4wCc


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Fight!
  
  Last week we asked for a war to end all wars,
  a fight to end all fights, a pathetic slanging
  match to... you get the idea:
http://b3ta.com/questions/fightclub/

  * Lick boxing - "I've done various martial
  arts since the age of four and was as chuffed
  as nuts to get my black belt in Chinese kick
  boxing. At one of our classes I was fighting
  Big Tom. So named because he is called Tom and
  big. Half-way into the class, Tom executes a
  push kick. These are more of a push than a
  kick, normally done at chest or stomach height
  to push your opponent back & give you some
  room. It's a straight kick, but involves you
  thrusting your hip into it at the end to
  generate the force to push them back. Tom
  managed to plant his push kick right in my
  face. The hip thrust tends to drag the foot
  down, so the sole of his foot slid down my
  face, dragging my lower lip and running it the
  full length of his foot. We'd been training
  for half an hour in bare feet on a carpet with
  15 years of sweat, vomit and child piss soaked
  into it. There are some things mints just
  can't take away." (Draconacticus)
  
  * Chips - "It was about 01:00 on a Saturday
  morning in Belfast. A friend of mine was
  talking to a woman when a spide (N. Irish
  chav) sped past him on his moped, almost
  sending the girl flying. It was just outside a
  Chinese restaurant in a particularly crazy
  part of the city, Shaftesbury Sq. All the bars
  in the area get let out at once and it is
  bedlam. The spide stopped a short distance up
  the street where his mates were laughing like
  a pack of hyenas. My friend shouted, "Try that
  again you wee wanker and see what happens." He
  sped towards them again, but my friend calmly
  side-stepped, grabbed his collar and lifted
  him off the moped as it continued down the
  footpath. The spide landed on his back. My
  friend lifted his visor, dumped his skelping
  hot gravy chip into his face, and closed it
  again. I wept." (hmsmajesty)
  
  * Noob - "In the local, two arseholes started
  having a go at each other. Harmless banter got
  more and more heated. This developed to the,
  'outside... NOW' threat. Outside they went,
  along with a few of us to watch the scrap.
  After a few minutes of blows it was quite
  obvious that one of them had the upper hand.
  As his opponent's nose got bloodier, he asked
  'Have you fuckin' 'ad enough yet?' 'Don't
  know,' came the reply, 'I've never been in a
  fight before.'" (Ninj)


  >> This Week - BRAIN FADE <<
  Tried to open your door with your Oyster card?
  Revel in the stupid here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/brainfade/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> MP doesn't understand AdSense <<
  Tory MP calls out Labour for a 'date Arab
  girls' ad above their press release. They
  gently break the news that the ad depends on
  your own web browsing preferences. To be fair,
  you should see the ads we get served. And the
  Amazon recommendations. Mind-bending.
http://bit.ly/WJ4ACa


  >> A cabinet made to look like a paused VHS tape <<
  Italian designer makes furniture that looks
  like a corrupted video image. For younger
  readers: a VHS tape is video technology you
  may have watched with your Dad, when you were
  a baby, when you were visiting your Granny's
  house. Hooray for hipster glitch-art eh?
http://bit.ly/16578xb


  >> Dog in every photo of flat on craigslist ad <<
  Charming series of photos where, presumably,
  the dog has followed the owner round the flat,
  hopeful for some fun times.
http://chicago.craigslist.org/chc/apa/3685181812.html


  >> Why do people draw knobs in video games? <<
  Why do people draw knobs full stop? To get a
  cheap laugh.
http://bit.ly/WRDdHg 


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Some scenes filmed for entertainment purposes

  >> The Death Star was an inside job <<
  'Wake up, sheeple' time, as this
  surprisingly convincing documentary
  reconstructs the unlikely events of the
  terrorist attacks on the heavily-fortified
  Death Star. What really happened that day?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/What_really_happened_that_day


  >> Extraordinary vocal range <<
  Elderly man demonstrates his lifelong mastery
  of the singing arts. You simply will not
  believe your ears.
http://t.co/EbC2swyG4b 


  >> Beach Boys don't sound so good <<
  We're absolute suckers for this genre of music
  video redub - making excellent songs sound
  like total shit. In this case, it's 'I Get
  Around' with added clapping.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-0CS-T1HUQ


  >> Eloquent pro-legalisation guy <<
  Retired police captain lays out the
  anti-prohibition drug legislation case, to
  bemused daytime TV hosts. Genuinely good
  points, interviewers seem out of their depth.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Eloquent_knowledge_guy


  >> Impossible space in The Shining <<
  Did director Stanley Kubrick deliberately make
  the Overlook Hotel physically impossible, to
  mess with viewers' heads? Almost certainly
  yes. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0sUIxXCCFWw


  >> Jamie Oliver double entendre <<
  The Naked Chef cut to pieces and reassembled
  as 2 ½ minutes of sniggering innuendo.
  Innuendo? InYOURendo.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Oh_no_he_didnt


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Vegetable Head Challenge

  Last week we asked you to replace the heads of
  the rich and famous with vegetables. Your
  favourites included:
 
  * SPROUT: Admiral Ackbar is particularly nice
  with bacon at Christmas (Ninj)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10940295
 
  * GREEN: another splendid hair-cut for the
  potty-mouthed, broccoli-follicled actor Samuel
  L. Jackson (Ninj)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10940714
  
  * MEEP: more suffering for Beaker, as his
  noggin is usurped by a Parsnip (barnesy)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10940646
  
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/vegetable-heads/


  >> New challenge: Sea Life <<
  Scientists have discovered life 11km under the
  sea. To celebrate, they've asked us to set a
  challenge: show us this new, underwater world
  and other fishy pics, using Photoshop.
  Challenge suggested by ferret.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/sea-life/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * DAVID CAMERON LIFESIZE CARDBOARD CUTOUT GOES
  VIRAL WITH LOADS OF STUPID REVIEWS - we linked
  this when it only had a couple of comments and
  now it's taken off properly. "I was looking
  for something to scare away the spiders that
  will now be coming out of hibernation, this
  should do the trick."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B003JLT1HA/b3ta-21


  * DICK HYMAN - Ashley.kennerley writes,
  "...mentioned on the Funny Name Corner has a
  lot more to him than just a funny name. For
  starters have a listen to him shredding James
  Brown's 'Give It Up Or Turn It Loose' on
  Moogs."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VyW_VkOTo2k Mind melting.

  Ashley continues, "If you want a musician with
  a sexy name, what about Willie Colon?" Sounds
  like a song to us, "Willie Colon plays the
  trombone. Willie Colon plays the trombone.
  Willie Colon plays the trombone. This is
  absolutely true."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Willie_Col%C3%B3n


  * DRAW SOME DONG STILL GOING STRONG - Tomos
  Bell writes, "Still not expecting anything in
  the newsletter, but you might like to know
  that the drawsomedong blog is still going and
  there are a LOT more CDCs on there now."
http://drawsomedong.tumblr.com/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include -

  * SERIOUS PLANS TO REFORM THE DAILY MAIL -
  hint: shouting on Twitter does little;
  complaining to companies who advertise with
  them would make the DM very nervous indeed.
  
  * AN OFF BUTTON FOR SOCIAL MEDIA AND PORN -
  productivity would rise about a billion
  percent.
  
  * CABLES THAT TELESCOPE TO ANY OLD LENGTH -
  solve this and you'd be rich - we're just
  looking at all the messy, wrong-length cables
  knocking around our desk and going YUCK.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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    Kiss:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    Piss:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  THANKS:

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @christ,
  @DickMandrake, simbosan, goatsmilkuk,Ken Putin,
  &#8207;@iainthomson, buffet_the_appetite_slayer,
  mr.dogshit, skeltonator, sinisterduck, krang,
  Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Top tip via
  NoStrings. Subjlols via David "Dave" Stevenson.

  The Shipping Forecast: Fans still rooting for
  Angel & Buffy, sizeable minority for Spike &
  Buffy, mentals for Giles & Faith.

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  TOP TIP:
  Make your own Heston Blumenthal by drawing
  glasses on a potato. 

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