NEWSLETTER: "NOT THAT YOU'LL READ IT UNTIL TUESDAY, YOU SKIVING TWATS"
This Week:
* GHOST TOWN - Street View Fukushima
* ONE DIRECTION - dubbed in sinister foreign
* TEETH - Actresses without them
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Click like on Facebook
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | for stuff you don't like
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| to confuse marketeers"
B3ta email 574 - 29 March 2013
Read this issue wearing a small hat:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue574
Thumbs up : [email protected]
Thumb's brown : [email protected]
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: KNIGHTHOOD & DECOY (SPONSORED LINK)
Caped and incapable!
Every city needs its superheroes. Unfortunately
for London, it has KnightHood & Decoy. Not to be
confused with Batman and Robin, who are awesome
but less sweary. Watch them fight crime right
now.
http://is.gd/KnighthoodAndDecoy
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
>> New Cassetteboy <<
The underage C90 male hominid writes, "Making
famous people talk about penises again, you know
the formula by now."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/New_Cassetteboy
>> A few new mutant hybrids I made for Conan <<
Smearballs proving once again that bloke on
stage + short clips is a brilliant format for
comedy - he's got himself a great gig with Conan
and he's producing career defining work.
http://bit.ly/11UXMFG
>> Magical Piss <<
"I have only gone and completed a new
animation!" yells koit. "I mean, what's wrong
with me !?" One man's unbridled joy at
discovering his disgusting superpower. Brace
yourself.
http://www.highasakoit.co.uk/magicalpiss.php
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Brain Fade
Last week we asked for the stupid things you'd
done on auto-pilot, leaving your brain gently
snoring:
http://b3ta.com/questions/brainfade/
* HAMBURG - "After a day shopping in Hamburg,
I'd amassed four carrier bags of stuff, plus one
fuckoff-sized bag containing a new suit, and
then... 'Where the fuck is my train ticket?' I
searched and searched. Yes, I had definitely
lost it. Crap. Off to the ticket machines I
went, and lightened the wallet. [2 hours of
public transport rage omitted] When I came home,
there was no car in the driveway. 'GermanGal
must be grocery shopping', I say to myself.
Luckily, I had only lost the ticket and not my
keys. Opening the door, I was greeted by
GermanGal and the two GermanDaughters. 'Where's
the car?' ask I. Then it clicked. I'd only gone
and forgotten the fucking CAR in a city 180km
away. Went to the parking garage I usually use
the next day, got back GermanRide, paid for
another train ticket and overnight parking.
Total cost to bank account: 143 Euros. Total
profits for future Alzheimer's doc: probably
millions. Total cost to dignity: infinite."
(GermanGuy)
* FISH - "I went on holiday once and the taxi
driver commented on the strong smell of fish in
the back of his cab. 'I was too polite to
mention it!' I replied brightly. 'Well it
doesn't normally smell of fish in here.' 'I'm
pretty sure its not me! I have many faults, but
being a fish is absolutely not one of them and
neither is my wife.' 'You've got a carrier bag
of fish bones next to you.' I had. I'd taken a
bag of fish bones into the taxi and popped my
wife's hand luggage into the wheelie bin as we
left. She roared with laughter. 'Never a dull
moment with you!' she smiled, eyes shining as
she ruffled my hair, 'I'm so glad I married
you.' This last bit isn't true." (browser)
* MELON - "One of my ex-colleagues used to
suffer brain-fade on a regular basis, such as
reaching into her handbag for her mobile and
pulling out her home phone, or, on one occasion,
her TV remote. My favourite though was the melon
episode. She used to bring lunch every day.
Nothing fancy, just a couple of sandwiches,
maybe some crisps, and a slice of melon. One
Monday, she complained that the melon she'd
bought wasn't very nice; it was hard, a bit dry
and not very tasty. Reasoning that it probably
wasn't ripe, she soldiered on and said she'd put
it somewhere warm to ripen up overnight. This
happened again on Tuesday. And Wednesday. On
Thursday she came into the office and announced
that she'd found out why her melon wasn't very
nice: It was a pumpkin." (Professor Kenny Martin)
>> This Week - WINGING IT <<
Ever had to improvise to get by? Did it work or
just get you deeper into the shit? Tell us your
tales of MacGyver-type genius and desperate hole
digging:
http://b3ta.com/questions/wingingit/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Actresses without teeth <<
Classic male fear - women without teeth - to be
snogged by an ancient, toothless maw: grannies
from hell. Next week? Vaginas with teeth dot
tumblr la la la.
http://actresseswithoutteeth.tumblr.com
>> Ghost town Google Street View <<
Incredible. Use Google Street View to explore
Fukushima nuclear ghost towns. Reminds us of
reading On the Beach by Nevil Shute - where
people in anti-radiation suits explored
radioactive towns looking for life. Make sure
you full-screen and rap along, "the Apocalypse
will be Instagrammed."
http://goo.gl/maps/oTnwQ
>> US Postal Service hates Atheists <<
Footwear company Atheist Shoes has discovered
that if they brand deliveries with their name,
they're 10x more likely to go missing. Awful,
but then Atheists are not allowed to hold
public office in six US states, including
Texas.
http://www.atheistberlin.com/study
>> Change your password now <<
Apparently, the trick for a secure but memorable
password is to take three disconnected words and
jam them together - we now realise that Dog Man
Star wasn't just a Brit Pop meets Prog 90s mess
but Brett Anderson's attempt at creating a
secure Hotmail password.
http://bit.ly/rXsQlB
>> Thug kitchen <<
If you like your recipe ideas very sweary and
apparently pitched at the illiterate and
educationally-subnormal then you're in luck.
http://thugkitchen.com/
>> Nic Cage's Face On All 151 Pokemon <<
Internet God Nicolas Cage appears to have
obtained his status by gurning and overacting.
Odd, considering how brilliant he was in Leaving
Las Vegas.
http://pokemonxniccage.tumblr.com/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Imagine if your Gameboy Camera played video
>> Movie references to Mainframe Computers <<
Computers are used in Hollywood like magic was
used in Grimm's fairy tales - to cover any random
plot hole with some pixie dust. They can be a
Macguffin, a Deus ex Machina and probably many
other pages from TVTropes simultaneously.
http://bit.ly/ZndwNm
>> One Direction badly dubbed into foreign <<
Possibly the funniest thing you'll see this week
- One Direction's over-emoting faces perfectly
match your vaguely racist ideas of what goes on
in serious European arthouse flicks. Watch with
subtitles.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Status Quo Action Movie <<
In what many are speculating can only exist as a
tax dodge, Status Quo are making an action
movie. It's a bit like watching your dad and his
drongo mate living out their James Bond
fantasies before putting on their slippers and
voting UKIP.
http://bit.ly/102wvgt
>> Pope rap <<
We've been watching quite a few Whitest Kids
U'Know vids this week - mixed bag, some
excellent some unwatchable but their Pope rap is
on the money. Also worth looking up are Hippo in
the City and their JFK assassination one.
http://youtu.be/6TxjrHPHypA
>> Why you don't need to see Les Mis <<
This 'Honest Trailer' for Les Misérables has
never made us want to see a movie less.
http://youtu.be/IBYfA3zTxFE
>> Woody Allen supercut <<
40-odd minutes of Woody Allen umming and ahhing
- reminds us of all the great films he made
before he shagged his stepdaughter - we
particularly recommend Play It Again, Sam for the
line, "We went to Mexico for our honeymoon. I
spent the entire two weeks in bed... I had
dysentery."
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: FOLLOW FRIDAY - Accidental Alan Partridge
A vaguely amusing twitter twat to follow
@edwardrussia writes, "Accidental Alan Partridge
tweets are v funny." Yep, pointing out Jeremy
Clarkson is a bit Partridgey is obvious but
delicious.
https://twitter.com/AccidentalP
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: AMAZON TAT
Crap and bollocks in e-commerce hell
* MICROWAVE COOKING FOR ONE - If you've ever
heard the Harry Nilsson song 'One is the
loneliest number that you'll ever do' then here
it is, served in a tragic single serving for
a dinner that goes ping.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/156554666...
* FISTING - Baldychops confesses, "I've been
reviewing Vaseline on Amazon."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B0042280CM...
* SELF-HELP BOOK ABOUT WANKING - We suspect
'Beat Your Way to the Top: Masturbation as a
Technique for Business Success' only exists so
that people, like us, link to it.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/147829612...
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the sea life challenge
Scientists have discovered life 11km under the
sea. To celebrate, they've asked us to set a
challenge: show us this new underwater world and
other fishy pics, using Photoshop.
Our favourites included:
* PAEDOFISH - quite why this abomination was
tolerated in our seas for so long is anyone's
guess - maybe he was mates with Neptune or
something. (orbojunglist)
http://b3ta.com/board/10943611
* JEREMY THE ANNOYING SEAHORSE - charming work
from Fresh Water Mole.
http://b3ta.com/board/10943129
* BIRO ART FISH - when NobbyNobody isn't making
UndeadTeds he's still biromashing.
http://b3ta.com/board/10942955
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/sea-life/popular
>> New challenge: Irrational Science <<
If irrational nonsense was scientific fact, what
would the side effects be?
http://b3ta.com/challenge/irrational-science/
BTW: Ben Goldacre has got in touch noticing
we've used his photo. You should def buy his
book - it's ace.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/000735074...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* PSYCHIC LIGHT BULBS - tuned to human
consciousness so, as sleep takes hold, the
light fades, preventing 2am waking & ARGH!
THE BRIGHTNESS!
* EASY MANGOS - The banana is perfect, it has
its own biodegradable packaging. When will
genetic engineers make a mango that works the
same? Or a pork chop?
* SILENT DRUM KITS - would love a proper drum
kit but our neighbours wouldn't. We realise the
mark of the truly bourgeois is having the space
to pursue antisocial hobbies without alienating
people.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Fuck us: [email protected]
Fuck off: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by matt round,
@tomfoot1, @masakepic, @tsmith9641,
@TheMichaelMoran18s, @edmorrish, Rich Annexia,
@olivia_solon2m Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols via Pedantichrist.
If you watch your life backwards all your shitty
MP3s get replaced with cool vinyl but your penis
shrinks.
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TOP TIP:
Make a decent cup of tea in about 20 seconds.
After you've filled the cup with boiling water
and squidged the bag about a bit, microwave it
for 10 seconds (no more), squidge bag, out,
milk, done. As a bonus, it's not just proper "5
min brew" strong, but proper hot, too. (MrOli)
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/post1902906
