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This Week:
* WORDS - Auto-completing iPhone headlines 
* MAPS - Surnames mapped to locations
* GALLERY - Tony Hart style B3ta fun

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "We're saving plastic     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  bags in a big cupboard 
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   for no good reason"
 
B3ta email 579  - 3 May 2013

Read issue holding nose like a train announcer:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue579 

 On-time :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
 Delayed : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: THE K-TEAM (SPONSORED LINK)
  They gonna git you, sucka.

  In 2005, a crack commando unit was imprisoned
  by inflexible accounting software filled with
  complicated jargon. These men promptly escaped
  from accounting hell to the London
  underground. If you hate doing your accounts,
  and want to get your books done in record
  time, maybe you should get in touch with...
  The K-Team.
http://kf.cm/K-TEAM

  
  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Other than meth to pay for health treatment

  >> Auto-completing iPhone headlines <<
  "The Guardian's iPhone app truncates its
  headlines," claims @mikethegoat. "I've been
  imagining what the full versions would be in a
  world more interesting than this one."
http://completedheadlines.tumblr.com/


  >> Map of Britain's most popular surnames <<
  "We analysed 2007 Electoral Roll data to come
  up with the common surnames in each of the
  8,920 wards across Great Britain," informs
  techedit. "For the twitter surnames, we
  analysed the 'user names' of 32 million
  geo-tagged tweets downloaded during September,
  2012 to April, 2013 across Britain." Blimey.
  Comprehensive stuff and an interesting look at
  how diverse (or not) Britain really is.
http://www.uncertaintyofidentity.com/GB_Names/Mapping.aspx


  >> The B3ta Gallery <<
  It's a new way to view the best front-page
  images, paying homage to Tony Hart's
  now-legendary Take Hart Gallery from old kids'
  telly. "I had the idea ages ago," says Matt
  Round. "Commissioning the music finally nudged
  me into coding it!" 
http://b3ta.com/gall3ry/


  >> What Toothbrush? <<
  "If you're about to buy a new toothbrush,
  check out my toothbrush review," writes Pig
  Face Turnip. Meticulous.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/What_Toothbrush


  >> Chris Blanden - Bit of Mozart <<
  "Here is some non-guitar playing that I did
  with video editing," writes Chris Blanden.
  Admittedly, he could have simply learned to
  play the tune normally. "But it wouldn't have
  been fast enough and then I'd have forgotten
  how to play it eventually. I think I prefer
  doing music like this!" he explains.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Chris_Blanden_Bit_of_Mozart


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: AMAZON TAT
  "Comedy" mug

  When this old lady agreed to pose for some
  stock photos we doubt she considered quite how
  they might be used.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B007C0RP9A/b3ta-21


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Controversial Beliefs

  Last week we held our breath and asked for you
  most radical, controversial thinking. It proved
  interesting. Even the awful puns.
http://b3ta.com/questions/controversialbeliefs/


  * BENEFITS - "Only asylum seekers should get
  benefit money. People born in the UK have won
  life's lottery. Just being mediocre, getting
  up in the morning and going through the
  motions will win you riches beyond the dreams
  of most of the people in the world. Asylum
  seekers aren't so lucky. They've been born
  into hardship and may well have risked their
  lives to get here. They the lifeblood of the
  UK, the least we can do is give them a leg
  up." (Brigadier)

  * SEXY MOVES - "Sex education classes: you may
  well remember the boys and girls are
  separated. The boys would sit, somewhat
  uncomfortable, whilst the teachers would
  discuss various issues in a lads-only forum.
  During this period, I strongly believe that
  the girls were learning the Macarena, the
  moves to Whigfield's Saturday Night and other
  pop tunes of the era. This is the only logical
  explanation for why every female over the age
  of thirteen knows the moves to every fucking
  one of these songs." (Munsta)


   >> This Week - MIDLIFE CRISIS <<
   Young Scaryduck has hit his forties, and
   found himself suddenly interested in old band
   T-shirts and a desire to go on camper van
   holidays. How has it hit you, or - if you are
   even more of a youngling - your elders?
http://b3ta.com/questions/midlifecrisis/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Back from a year with no internet <<
  Journalist Paul Miller deliberately unplugged
  himself from the net in April 2012. Now he's
  back, with what he learned. More thoughtful
  and with fewer easy platitudes than you might
  be expecting. 
http://bit.ly/ZEAVeU


  >> Self-portrait in the style of 100 cartoonists <<
  Cartoonist Kevin McShane draws himself in the
  idiomatic style of 100 famous artists.
  Impressive work - how many can you guess?
http://cartoonkevin.com/


  >> Average image of everything <<
  Infomerge takes the first 5-20 pages of Google
  Image search results and merges them into one
  hazy, arty looking image.
http://imgur.com/a/LJkW8


  >> Amazing Louis CK <<
  "Thanks to whoever recommended I listen to the
  two-part Louis CK episode of the WTF podcast,"
  writes Rob Manuel. "Compelling stuff. Sadly, I
  was a bit drunk and forgot who told me."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Gw125AZtDU


  >> Cosmarxpolitan <<
  Amazing how much the venerable mag has changed
  over its storied 163-year lifespan.
http://cosmarxpolitan.tumblr.com/ 


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like real life viewed through a small window

  >> Daft Punk vs Alan Partridge <<
  Not quite sure why Get Lucky is such a
  cultural event. It's a perfectly OK bit of pop
  with a nostalgic production, but it seems that
  A) you have to have an opinion on it and B)
  endless web bollocks. 
http://www.partridgegetslucky.com/

  
  >> Mum watches Matrix & explains plot to son <<
  Nice format for videos. Now get a child to
  explain the origins of World War I.
https://www.youtube.com/embed/OMf9GlLXouA


  >> 90 year old woman does a double back flip :O <<
  Old people doing surprising things is always
  good value. Reminds us of when our grandmother
  helped us write a poem for English class and
  helpfully rhymed our line, "Walking through
  the field, thinking of these words" with, "And
  then I stepped in a turd."
http://bit.ly/11GZ4zy


  >> How to play chess properly <<
  Great little comedy clip that reminded us of
  Series 1 of Look Around You.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_to_play_chess_properly


  >> Teddy bear goes to Teddy Hospital <<
  If you have young children play this to them
  now. Again, a bit Look Around You-ish.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Poor_Teddy


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Funerals Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to enliven funerals

  Your favourites included:
 
  * MAGIC: Houdini's watery tomb, forever
  rotating and gurgling (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10957169
 
  * HOMER: Springfield's most famous son,
  forever remembered in concrete (Ham o' Shatner)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10958819
  
  * GOLDFISH: Ooh! I haven't been here before!
  Ooh! I haven't been here before! Etc (Fresh
  Water mole) 
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10957416  
  
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/funerals/


  >> New challenge: Whales! <<
  Oh, the whale! You magnificent leviathan, you
  creator of legends, you imperious monster of
  the deep! You're also this week's one-word
  image challenge, by the way. Whales!
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/whales


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * SHED OF THE YEAR CLOSING DATE - Today is the
  day, b3tans. The day when you can feast your
  eyes on the finalists for 2013's coveted Shed
  of the Year competition. Winner to be
  announced in Shed Week, 1st July.
http://bit.ly/ZEBghG


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  * CHARITY IDEA - make an app that uses your
  spare GPU cycles to mine for bitcoins. Pooled
  money of millions of users is given to save
  the donkeys whatever.

  * KICKSTOPPER - Can we use a Kickstarter
  variant to crowdfund our favourite artists to
  NOT bother recording new work, as they haven't
  done anything good in 30 years?

  * SUPERMARKET GPRS - make an app so we can
  type in "carrots" and it'll make a map guiding
  us to the fucking carrots. 


  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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 Wanky cuddles:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
 Hugs of death: b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Coin
  Operated Boy, WeirdWeb, @hepvintage,
  @GeorgiaMills2, nickzarb, t.latchem,
  HappyToast, Chilli Heatwave, LOGIK Image
  challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
  QOTW bloke.   Top tip via horrific.
  Subjlols via Halibut.

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  TOP TIP:
  Be sure to use the cold tap when pissing in
  the sink, as hot water encourages the urea in
  your piss to become a foul-smelling vapour.

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