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NEWSLETTER: "MORE GAGS THAN A MIDWEST BASEMENT"

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This Week:
* TIME - and your insignificant place in it
* UN-WORDS - to unforget
* CARELESS WHISPER - as Walking Dead theme

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're saving our pennies  
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   for... Rod Stewart"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   

B3ta email 580 - 10 May 2013

Read this issue as exhibit A in court:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue580 

Flirty fishing :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Throw it back : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: AMAZON TAT (Sponsored, nay affiliate link)
  Anniversary wank reviews

  Baldychops writes, "Not put off by those no
  sense of humour Amazon people who deleted my
  fisting with Vaseline review, I've continued my
  research.  It occurred to me the other day that
  2013 marks the 35th anniversary of my
  first-ever wank. So, thanks to Amazon, I
  revisited that first time and then wrote all
  about it."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B007K7JL0G/b3ta-21 


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Meals, MeFi, Unwords and Baking

  >> David's Meals For One <<
  "A delicious/depressing pilot I made for a new
  TV chef. Contains nuts," writes Alrightbymoe.
  Funny, although your kitchen looks too nice and
  clean to be genuinely owned by a bloke living
  on your own. We postulate you're fibbing, oh
  it's called acting is it? Who knew?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YdsshWtlHhc


  >> Meta Mitchell & Webb Filter <<
  No fool, Metafilter fan Matt Round: "For the
  longest time I have had the theory that for
  every FPP there is a somewhat relevant Mitchell
  & Webb sketch." And, dammit, looks like he's
  right.
http://mattround.com/metamitchellandwebbfilter/ 


  >> 63 Un-words <<
  "These words may save your life!" exclaims
  lexicographer Joel Veitch, inventor of 63
  brand-new words of almost startling situational
  uselessness. Good stuff, from the boy Veitch.
http://b3ta.com/links/63_Un_Words


  >> "A bag of flour and a bucket of water" <<
  "I was given the rushes for a Greggs
  documentary," writes cut-up swedemason. "I
  suffered hours and hours of folks banging on
  about sausage rolls. This guy was quality
  though." How many times can you hear the word
  "baking", before it stops making sense? That
  was amazing, give us another slice.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/996375


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Midlife Crisis
  
  Last week we wanted to know if the midlife
  crisis had hit you and with what:
http://b3ta.com/questions/midlifecrisis

  * COMPLIMENTS - "I was working in my lab the
  other day when one of the more attractive
  members of the department approached me. She's
  American and all curves and cleavage. "Tell me,
  sittingduck. Me and (another unattainable
  sexbomb) were chatting about you the other
  day." Oh yes? "Threesome here we come?!" said
  my mind. She went on... "and we decided that
  with your spiked hair and old band T-shirts you
  haven't changed how you dress since you went to
  University. Are we right?" Ouch." (sittingduck)

  * CONSIDERATION - "Not so much a crisis, more a
  shift in perspective. When considering buying a
  DVD box set, I find myself calculating how many
  times I might watch it before I die." 
  (moon monkey)
  
  * COCKS - "I bought a leather jacket, started
  listening to Kasabian and bought a Thai bride!
  Turned out she has a cock, but that's alright,
  I'm pretty open-minded." (DOZERTRON!)


  >> This Week - MY SAVIOUR <<
  Labour leader Ed Miliband recently dashed into
  the middle of a road to save a fallen cyclist.
  Who has come to your rescue? Have you ever been
  the rescuer?
http://b3ta.com/questions/mysaviour/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Trolling handymen <<
  Possibly not the most deserving group to troll,
  but amusing nonetheless, replying to small ads
  with fanciful nonsense.
http://textastrophe.com 


  >> Your eyes on a pet <<
  Say you're stuck for a new "trez hilaire" pic
  for Myspace or Friends Reunited, why not stick
  your eyes and mouth on a picture of a kitten?
  We tried using a photo of Angelina Jolie and,
  after a few experimental wanks, we've decided
  we prefer her without facial fur or a tail.
http://www.petswitch.com/


  >> Realistic LSD simulator <<
  TIP: Run out of Acid? Stare at these GIFs for
  30 seconds & then panic about what you'd say if
  your Dad phoned right now.
http://dvdp.tumblr.com 


  >> How to feel quite small <<
  Douglas Adams once claimed that showing your
  position in space would result in learning how
  insignificant you are - here's a similar
  concept, but with time.
http://hereistoday.com/ 


  >> Tony Blackburn's autobiography compressed <<
  Disc-jockey (remember that phrase?) Blackburn's
  autobiography is an insight-free whistlestop
  tour through modern history. His thoughts on
  JFK and the Miners' strike illustrate nothing
  but the shallowness of his mind. Wonderful
  stuff; better than the Alan Partridge book.
http://bit.ly/13ZqORG


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like real life but full of lies and smaller

  >> FPS style music video <<
  We didn't want to enjoy this celebration of
  uber violence but sadly we did. Pray for our
  souls.
http://vimeo.com/62092214 


  >> Black neighbour is auto-tuned <<
  As Slate points out, although we can't help but
  laugh, the frequency of this meme is starting
  to look racist.
http://slate.me/18UqDbi

  
  >> How do YOU sit? <<
  If you don't sit like Star Trek's Riker,
  lifting a leg astride the chair, then you are
  not a real man (or lady). Also what a tight,
  bottom-hugging costume Wesley Crusher had to
  wear. Blimey. 
http://slate.me/11jCvWD


  >> Daft Punk vs Flute <<
  'Finally, Daft Punk's "Get Lucky" gets the
  infusion of flute it so desperately needed.'
  Well, it says "flute" but that looks like a big
  recorder to us. Wonderfully deadpan. BTW: We
  have a theory that nobody actually likes this
  song and Daft Punk have employed 500,000 call
  centre operatives to turn out memes. 
http://bit.ly/17ChvJt


  >> Careless Whisper as theme song <<
  Wonderful, simply gag: replace the theme tune
  on shows that take themselves seriously with
  the parping cheese-sax of Wham's classic lament.
http://carelesswhisperthemesongs.tumblr.com/


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: FRIDAY GAME
  Where's That StreetView?
  
  Look at a Google StreetView location. Guess
  where it is. Lesson? A fair bit of the
  ex-Soviet Union looks like Spain. Oh, and you
  can cheat if you get the chance to read shop
  signs.
http://geoguessr.com/


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: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Cancelled due to lack of funny
  
  Maybe there's someone out there called Dick,
  but we can't be bothered to look. Why not
  google for Dick?


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Whale Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to celebrate the 
  majesty of whales. Your favourites included:
 
  * FOOTWEAR: startlingly realistic, cgi- 
    free reproduction of a killer (monkeon)  
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10960238
 
  * LIFE: Douglas Adams tribute suddenly
    called into existence (prodigy69)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10960175

  * GASTROPOD: freakish, Mengele-style
    manipulation of nature, for your 
    pleasure (Fresh Water Mole) 
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10960135
  
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/whales/


  >> New challenge: Invent A Vehicle <<
  This week's challenge is to design the 
  most amazing vehicle ever, and to picture 
  it doing what it's designed for. It'll be 
  like Top Gear, but with fewer twats in 
  the audience
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/new-vehicles/


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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories.

  * FURTIVE WEDDING RING UPDATE - iain writes,
  "Oh my, I missed the second peak of traffic for
  the Furtive Wedding Ring article - didn't
  realise I made the newsletter. So, erm, thanks.
  I used to spend a ludicrous amount of my
  working day send gazzes and F5-ing QOTW. I've
  stopped posting on b3ta now (proper job etc.)
  and so has my wife but Offtopic was where we
  met. Thanks again. Your site rules."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/981228

  * SAD NEWS - skeltonator writes, "Hi guys,
  sorry to pass on the sad news, our very own
  PCmechanic passed away on Friday, after a long
  battle with disease. I have started a tribute
  thread on /links which we will pass on to his
  family. Just wondering if you can put something
  on the FP or in the newsletter."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Hello_all:3


  * R.I.P. RAY HARRYHAUSEN - if someone beloved
  by the public has died, chances are a tribute
  was made by a B3tan back in the day. This week,
  we're digging out Matt Round's classic work
  from the days when stills from video were used
  to save bandwidth.
http://www.malevole.com/mv/misc/tribute/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include:

  * CYBER-CRIMES BILL - sounds like a new
  character in Viz. "Grr! I wanted to troll a
  Facebook group about some dead kids but I've
  been forced to pick up litter instead!"
 
  * BUBBLE-WRAP FILLED WITH KY JELLY - to
  simulate the joy of squeezing spots.
  
  * BOOZE THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU FAT AND TIRED -
  come on science, you can solve this.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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   Workers  :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Shirkers :  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson, partially on the Northern Line and
  DLR. Reminds us of some early issues of B3ta
  which were similarly written on public
  transport using, would you believe it, a Palm
  Pilot. Bananas! 
  Stuff sent in by @maxxburton, @matt_round,
  @etienneshrdlu48s,  @thesaharadesert,
  @eamonncarey, @UPROXX, @somegreybloke,
  @b0rk3d_GB and @iratesheep.
  Image challenge by Fraser Lewry. 
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Top tips via robneymcplum. 
  Subjlols via claptonista.

  Also, Douglas Adams in Highgate Cemetery:
http://pic.twitter.com/iVkrUzVs4R

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  TOP TIP:
  Bus companies: Have an illuminated route number
  sign on the back of your bus, to alert you as it
  cheerfully drives away that you've missed the
  fucker. In the rain. 

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