we love the web
email us
NEWSLETTER: I'VE GOT SMOOTHIE ALL DOWN MY CHIN *INNOCENT FACE*

next issue »
« previous issue

This Week:
* CRAZY DRUNK STUNTS - within reason
* STAR TREK - the middle school musical
* GOATSE AWARDS - More inappropriate logos

-------------------------------------------------
________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're saving our pennies     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   to build a rain machine"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   

B3ta email 582  - 24 May 2013

Read this issue pretending to be South African:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue582

   Huggers :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   Shruggers : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
  Amazon tat la la la - Ninja shit
  
  Deanr201 writes, "Just some amazon tat...some
  of the reviews are worth reading." Aha, mostly
  from people pretending to be ninjas.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000HKSSLQ/b3ta-20

  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Other than art from toenail clippings

  >> The Piss Artist <<
  Watch Pig Face Turnip drink lots of booze and
  perform stunts. We like this for three reasons:
  1. Funny 2. It's all set in the official B3ta
  patch of NW5 and 3. In the comments the creator
  and a member of the messageboard bump into each
  other on Hampstead Heath.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Piss_Artist


  >> Read 50 Shades of Grey challenge <<
  Becomingbatman has a challenge between him and
  his chum, reading the erotic slosh of 50 Shades
  of Grey whilst keeping a straight face.
  Unsurprisingly they can't do it, but the
  laughter is a joy to watch.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1005421


  >> Crap paps <<
  Anyone who's ever worked on a newspaper will
  know that most of the photos sent in by
  agencies are completely and utterly useless -
  unless you enjoy laughing at incompetence.
  Fortunately, we love doing that. Thanks
  @Roobatron.
http://crappapsblog.tumblr.com/ 
  

-------------------------------------------------

: BEN WHEATLEY FILM PLUG
  Trailer 

  Old-school b3tan Ben, who even co-wrote a
  couple of B3ta newsletters, is now a super
  successful film director in with the Hollywood
  illuminati. When he's not eating babies with
  Julia Roberts and David Geffen, he's making
  great movies. He writes, "Hey B3ta, here's a
  trailer for my new film. Set during the English
  Civil War. Shot in 12 days. Ultra low budget.
  Reece Shearsmith, Michael Smiley (from Kill
  List) and they take a lot of mushrooms. Sounds
  B3taish. Out July 5 in cinemas, vod, DVD,
  Blu-ray and for free on Film4."
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=cRRvzjkzu2U

  BTW: Ben's email sig is this: "Beamed at you
  from the mobile-handset of mr. wheatley" We
  also know Ben Goldacre's email sig is "Sent via
  my ZX81". What is it with Bens and their comedy
  sig stylings?


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
  Emergency Services

  Last week we asked for your tales of the
  police, ambulance workers, firefighters... you
  know, sexy people in uniforms:
http://b3ta.com/questions/emergencyservices/

  * CUT - "I went to get my scalp stitched. The
  doctor asked how I cut it. I had to tell him
  that I was walking round the sea-bathing pool
  wall, when I hit my head on the sign that says
  "Don't walk on the pool wall"."
(A Blair)

  * DRIED - "Oh the shame. I called the police
  once because someone was hanging out of the
  window of a 12th-floor flat in the local
  high-rise. They called back half an hour later
  to tell me they'd successfully rescued a pair
  of damp jeans."
(Smash Monkey)

  * CURED - "In common with every second cove one
  meets now-a-days, I have a peanut allergy. A
  single nut could kill me. By following
  scientifically-proven homeopathic principles,
  I've discovered that a second peanut provides a
  perfect antidote to the first. I keep track by
  shouting POISON and CURE as each nut is
  ingested. Over the years I've saved the NHS
  millions by using this simple technique, though
  I have been banned from every cinema in the
  county."
(Brigadier)


  >> This Week - KIDS SAY... <<
  ...the shittiest things. Like Take a Break's
  letters page, only with more swearing:
http://b3ta.com/questions/thingskidssay/


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Goatse Awards 2013 <<
  All your favourite things that look a bit like
  Goatse. Hmmm, looks like something we might
  have put together.
http://bit.ly/10ReE9U


  >> Gomez button <<
  Although we could look up who this guy is, and
  we did, it's funnier not knowing.
http://gomezbutton.de/ 

 
  >> Cooking doesn't get any tougher than this! <<
  Overly-complicated (to the point where Heston
  Blumenthal would struggle), with results that
  splits critics into lovers/haters; you rather
  wonder what it's doing on the BBC Good Food
  website. Even the reviews are in awe of it.
http://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/1505633/


  >> Towards a post-food society <<
  With the population on the rise and global
  warming making land that once fed us infertile
  what's the solution? Rob Rhinehart believes the
  answer is a type of bachelor chow he cunningly
  calls Soylent. The name made us think it's a
  sci-fi gag, but he looks quite serious about
  it. Your grandkids are going to love living in
  a rented pod and eating powder, whilst the
  government builds a Beowulf cluster of their
  brains to make Bitcoins.
http://bit.ly/10MHOwB


  >> Artist Statement (ie. bollocks) generator <<
  "My work explores the relationship between
  multiculturalism and skateboard ethics. With
  influences as diverse as Rousseau and Miles
  Davis, new insights are distilled from both
  orderly and random dialogues..."
http://www.artybollocks.com/#abg_full


  >> Stonehenge / Easter Island connection <<
  There's only two conspiracy theories that we
  believe. 1. Jimmy Savile supplied children for
  Satanic ceremonies with the lizard elite and 2.
  This.
http://bit.ly/10phQxV


-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
  Like a Game Gear TV attachment with no aerial 
 
  >> Star Trek: the School Musical << 
  Boldly going where no school has gone before,
  we only wish our teachers had this much vision.
  Best we got was someone playing bagpipes then
  explaining that U2's Pride in the Name of love
  is all about Jesus (spoilers: it's not). 
http://bit.ly/162E7G0

 
  >> Coming out of water makes you look hot? <<
  Neat little sketch that made us question our
  heterosexuality. 
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1004004


  >> 50 wrong quotes <<
  Interesting - and the pace of it is
  overwhelming for our tired, old brains. Is
  Antiques Roadshow on yet?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gNi2qkLZp7c


-------------------------------------------------

: FUNNY NAME CORNER 
  Funny like cancer is funny
  
  * HE LOOKS SO HAPPY ABOUT IT - SimianKid
  writes, "Fairly standard entry for funny name
  corner but it's the accompanying picture that
  really makes it."
http://www.austriancenter.com/fmrs2013/speakers/

  * A RIVAL TO 'BEATS BY DRE' - that's probably
  not going to be sold as a knock-off in Camden
  for £10.
http://www.fannywang.com/ 

  * OUR NEW FAVOURITE POLITICIAN - other than the
  Tory MP who died with a satsuma in his mouth.
https://twitter.com/jonnot/status/337657573706711040


-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the UK Star Wars Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to imagine a 
  Brit version of Star Wars

  Your favourites included:
 
  * WHOOPS: classic Caine as explosive
    device creates chaos (1.618...)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10964848
 
  * PREVIN: Xmas sketch reinterpreted via 
    Jedi Council Grand Master (Beau Bo d'Or)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10965044
  
  * WARNING: poolside poster updated to
    suit Galactic Empire (Captain Howdy)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10964693
  
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/UK-StarWars/


  >> New challenge: Flowers! <<
  The nation's posh people have gathered in 
  Chelsea for their annual gardening 
  festival, so it's time for another b3ta 
  one word challenge: Flowers!
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/flowers/


-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * SHAVING THAT KEPT OUR FACE FUZZ-FREE FOR
  MONTHS - shaving is such a bore. Also, we know
  beards are fashionable at the moment but that
  only works for the young. At our age it makes
  one look like a paedophile geography teacher.

  * TOOTHPASTE THAT REMOVES HANGOVERS - can you
  imagine the fame and fortune to the genius who
  invents this?
  
  * JEANS THAT DON"T LOOK LIKE WE'VE SPUNKED ON
  THEM IF WE ACCIDENTALLY GET TOOTHPASTE ON THEM
  WHILST HUNGOVER - that's our excuse and we're
  sticking to it.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


-------------------------------------------------

    Friends:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    Twats:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
  Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @rattigarb,
  UltimateMonkey,  tubaman, @TheFles,
  slartifartfast, @robertjohnsonau, @mikenco,
  WhyAyeMrs, @WhyAyeMrs3h. Image challenge by
  Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  Newsletter written on the Northern Line /
  Jubilee line beating a battery at 13%. It's 5%
  now, pretty adrenaline-raising shit man.
  Subjlols via username failed moderation.
  
-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:
  Help slugs by glueing old seashells to them,
  thus turning them into snails.

next issue »
« previous issue