NEWSLETTER: "ALERT: ONLY 117 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS!"
This Week:
* SUPER MARIO - meets parkour
* BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH - name generator
* DAMASCUS - Do you actually know where it is?
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We can only save the web
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | if the web is prepared
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| to save itself"
B3ta email 596 - 30 Aug 2013
Read this issue wearing a stupid hat:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue596
Yes : [email protected]
No : [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
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$131,299,998.69 to you. Best review? "I have
been looking at this magnet for a while, but
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>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Lifeboats, Fracking, Football, Diana and Cloud Arse
>> Punk rock lifeboatman <<
The lead singer of Crass is now a volunteer
Lifeboatman. Fred zeppelin writes, "I started
making this a year ago as a fund-raiser for the
lifeboat, but the BBC got wind of it and wanted
a short version, so it's a BBC link to a video
about Steve Ignorant, Punk Rock Lifeboatman."
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-23851982
>> Sir Ian Bowler's Fracking Holiday <<
"Here's a new bit of fat-headed nonsense from
Ian Bowler, and possibly my favourite one
ever…" writes Natt. Sir Ian Bowler is back from
recess and he is a man IN LOVE.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1057389
>> Havewesignedanyonetoday.co.uk <<
Choose your team and this single-purpose
website will tell you if they've signed anybody
today. "I've worked up from my original idea
and now the twittersphere is loving it!" boasts
bigrbuk.
http://www.havewesignedanyonetoday.co.uk/
>> Daily Express front page bingo <<
"Weather, Diana, miracle dogs, Diana - it's all
in Daily Express Bingo," claims Clifford.
Genuinely surprised by how much stuff is
*still* about poor, old Diana.
http://expressbingo.org.uk/
>> Cloud to Arse Plus <<
"Some puerile genius wrote a chrome extension
that replaces any occurrences of 'the cloud'
with 'my butt' on web pages you visit,"
explains veg. "Despite the many lulz it
generated, my fellow Brits and I felt it was
too culturally biased…"
http://bit.ly/17rC0rP
Try it out on a cloud-heavy site such as:
http://bit.ly/1fojmnk
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Lead balloon
Last week we asked if you had ever you tried to
be funny and failed horribly. You replied with
your pain, and loads of it.
* STROKE - "Last year my mother had a couple of
strokes, and I was sitting with her a few days
after she got out of hospital when two stroke
nurses came round to check on her progress. 'Well
here's your care pack,' said one, pointing to a
load of booklets from the NHS; while the second
asked me, 'And have you taken the time to read
the leaflet on caring for someone with a
stroke?'
"Me: 'Yeah, it's an interesting read... But all
the text slopes off on the right hand side'.
SILENCE (Apart from my mother who was
uncontrollably laughing.) I've seen them twice
since and still get evil stares.'
(tim1701)
* BAD AIDS - "Back in my student days, I went
to a very leftie polytechnic – Nelson Mandela
Bar, the whole nine yards. At that time I had a
wide circle of friends, and we sat in the
Student Union drinking McEwan's, discussing
ideas we could submit to Viz Comic.
"So I dropped this into the mix: 'Hey, what
about a strip about someone suffering from
AIDS? It could be called "Adrian Ayds – He's
Got Aids", and the strapline could be "It's Fun
To Be HIV."'
"A silence as total as death slammed down. The
grin froze on my face. Hepzibah, a blue-haired
gothette Humanities student, burst into tears
and buried her face in her hands. Her friend
Sarah shouted, 'Her brother's got AIDS, you
insensitive bastard!' Max simply rose
gracefully from his seat, walked over to me,
and spat in my face. He then walked out and
never spoke to me again.
"I was ostracised for three months. I had death
threats slid under the door of my room in
College Hall, and my room was regularly broken
into and trashed, my kettle pissed in, turds
left steaming on my pillow, and I was only let
back in after I had published a full and frank
apology in the student mag and read the apology
out on stage in the Union in front of all my
fellow students. Miserable, humourless cunts
the lot of them."
(Dr Skagra)
* BEADLE - Alone at a BBQ a mutual friend
introduced me to very beautiful girl. We got on
brilliantly, everything looked positive.
Personally, I believe I was very sexy and
hilarious: a font of high class jokes and
cerebral humour.
"That is until the drink and nerves kicked
in... I picked up one of those large 660ml
bottles of beer in one hand, and a small bottle
of beer in the other. Instantly I reverted to
type and announced loudly to the girl and the
wider group 'Look I'm Jeremy Beadle!'
"Bemused faces. I desperately felt the need to
elucidate. 'Jeremy Beadle. He's got a small
hand' (Waves big bottle of beer) 'Well he's
dead now, but he had a very small hand'
(Jiggles large bottle beside small bottle) 'You
mean you haven't heard that joke? You know...
Jeremy Beadle's got a big penis. But on the
other hand it's quite small' (Half-heartedly
jiggles large bottle of beer in a masturbatory
motion).
"EVERYONE turned their back on me and started
new conversations. Jeremy Beadle's hand is
cursed." (Parmenu)
>> This week – NOT-STALGIA <<
Tell us why the past was a bit shit.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/Thepastwasrubbish/
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: USVSTH3M
The other website that has some of the
same people on it
* Where’s Damascus? (Don’t Ask Us) - The US and
UK are probably about to bomb it. Do you know
where it is?
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/damascus/
* You Can’t Do Geography Under Pressure -
flags, countries, capitals you know the score.
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/geography/
* Pollocks or Bollocks - Are these squiggles
the work of Abstract Expressionist genius
Jackson Pollock, or the worthless daubings of
other, random people?
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/pollocksorbollocks/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Benedict Cumberbatch name generator <<
The genius of Mr and Mrs Cumberbatch was in
giving their child a name that could be
signified by any six syllables. We love that
Rinkydink Snugglesnatch, watch everything
he's in.
http://benedictcumberbatchgenerator.tumblr.com/
>> Selfies at serious places <<
Inexplicable choices of occasion/location to
take a selfie. See also the dozens of guys on
Grindr who like to use Berlin's Holocaust
Memorial as a cool selfie backdrop.
http://selfiesatseriousplaces.tumblr.com/
>> "Unnecessary" quotes <<
A "classic" blog that points out how misuse of
quotation marks can really "change" the slant
of your message. Work "safe".
http://www.unnecessaryquotes.com/
>> Summer to Winter in a single step <<
Wonderful location on Google Street View, where
taking a single step turns the season half a
year ahead.
http://bit.ly/Zhdci1
>> Miley Cyrus’ Infinite Tongue <<
Serious, academic attempt to map the entire
extent of Ms Cyrus' extraordinarily long
tongue. How far can you scroll before getting
bored?
http://www.mileycyrustongue.com/
>> Your Kickstarter Sucks <<
Snarky blogs demolishes the worst, the absolute
worst Kickstarter ideas. Some of which have
raised a ton of money, so let's hope we never
reach that level of success. Woo!
http://yourkickstartersucks.tumblr.com/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Watch at 16 x 16 resolution for retro-thrills
>> Super Mario parkour <<
This is both physically impressive and
nostalgia-inducing. And if anyone had died
during the shoot, they'd have had to start all
over again from the beginning.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
>> All hail the King of Kebabs <<
This guy is a shawarma master (the Arabic
equivalent of doner kebabs) and he has got some
smooth moves.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Breaking Bad actor cracks, reveals spoilers <<
Dean Norris, who plays Hank in Breaking Bad,
spills the beans about how the series is
scheduled to end. According to a script that
*he* wrote, at least.
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/636264ec55/
>> Animals on trampolines <<
Do animals love trampolines? Yes. Do humans
love watching animals love trampolines? Please
participate in our research, in the form of
watching this video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Fridge Challenge
Last week we wanted you to celebrate the
humble refrigerator.
Your favourites included:
* SOLO: captured Rebel Alliance freighter
pilot encased in carbonite cooler
(Q4nobody)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10999551
* RESULTS: jumping girl exam delight
cliche enhanced by triumphant Hotpoint
(Arclayton)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10999159
* WRESTLE: moustachioed sex-tape grappler
runs amok at Currys sale
(Fresh Water Mole)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10999115
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/fridge/
>> New challenge: Creepy Stuff <<
Boo! This week's challenge is to come up
with creepy stuff — images that scare,
startle, disturb, and interrupt one's
sleep patterns. Suggested by sandettie
light vessel automatic
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/creepystuff/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include:
* AN OFF BUTTON FOR ALL THE STUFF THAT WON'T
STOP - the internet, yapping and the eternal
crushing pain of our heavy soul.
* STEADICAM FOR YOUTUBE - Seriously, home-video
enthusiasts, you make it very hard to produce
looping GIFs of your cat doing tricks.
* PENS THAT FLY TO OUR HAND WHEN SUMMONED -
like Thor's hammer Mjolnir. Come on, this is
2013. We must have magnets or something that
can make that happen.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Wine: [email protected]
Beer: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Tesco's
Finest, Sainsbury's Taste the Difference,
Asda Extra Special and Kwiksave No Frills.
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
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TOP TIP:
Ensure a Happy Ending at the massage parlour by
paying the masseuse to read you Cinderella.
