we love the web
email us
NEWSLETTER: "ALERT: ONLY 117 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS!"

next issue »
« previous issue

This Week:
* SUPER MARIO - meets parkour
* BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH - name generator
* DAMASCUS - Do you actually know where it is?

-------------------------------------------------
________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We can only save the web     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   if the web is prepared
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     to save itself"

B3ta email 596 - 30 Aug 2013

Read this issue wearing a stupid hat:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue596 

   Yes :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
   No : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
-------------------------------------------------

: SPONSORED LINK
  Most expensive magnet ever

  $131,299,998.69 to you. Best review? "I have
  been looking at this magnet for a while, but
  could no longer pass it up after the 17%
  discount.:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B001UKRDVS/b3ta-20

  
  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Lifeboats, Fracking, Football, Diana and Cloud Arse

  >> Punk rock lifeboatman <<
  The lead singer of Crass is now a volunteer
  Lifeboatman. Fred zeppelin writes, "I started
  making this a year ago as a fund-raiser for the
  lifeboat, but the BBC got wind of it and wanted
  a short version, so it's a BBC link to a video
  about Steve Ignorant, Punk Rock Lifeboatman."
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-23851982


  >> Sir Ian Bowler's Fracking Holiday <<
  "Here's a new bit of fat-headed nonsense from
  Ian Bowler, and possibly my favourite one
  ever…" writes Natt. Sir Ian Bowler is back from
  recess and he is a man IN LOVE.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1057389


  >> Havewesignedanyonetoday.co.uk <<
  Choose your team and this single-purpose
  website will tell you if they've signed anybody
  today. "I've worked up from my original idea
  and now the twittersphere is loving it!" boasts
  bigrbuk.
http://www.havewesignedanyonetoday.co.uk/


  >> Daily Express front page bingo <<
  "Weather, Diana, miracle dogs, Diana - it's all
  in Daily Express Bingo," claims Clifford.
  Genuinely surprised by how much stuff is
  *still* about poor, old Diana.
http://expressbingo.org.uk/


  >> Cloud to Arse Plus <<
  "Some puerile genius wrote a chrome extension
  that replaces any occurrences of 'the cloud'
  with 'my butt' on web pages you visit,"
  explains veg. "Despite the many lulz it
  generated, my fellow Brits and I felt it was
  too culturally biased…"
http://bit.ly/17rC0rP

  Try it out on a cloud-heavy site such as:
http://bit.ly/1fojmnk


-------------------------------------------------

: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Lead balloon

Last week we asked if you had ever you tried to
be funny and failed horribly. You replied with
your pain, and loads of it.

  * STROKE - "Last year my mother had a couple of
  strokes, and I was sitting with her a few days
  after she got out of hospital when two stroke
  nurses came round to check on her progress. 'Well
  here's your care pack,' said one, pointing to a
  load of booklets from the NHS; while the second
  asked me, 'And have you taken the time to read
  the  leaflet on caring for someone with a
  stroke?' 

  "Me: 'Yeah, it's an interesting read... But all
  the text slopes off on the right hand side'.
  SILENCE (Apart from my mother who was
  uncontrollably laughing.) I've seen them twice
  since and still get evil stares.' 
(tim1701)


  * BAD AIDS - "Back in my student days, I went
  to a very leftie polytechnic – Nelson Mandela
  Bar, the whole nine yards. At that time I had a
  wide circle of friends, and we sat in the
  Student Union drinking McEwan's, discussing
  ideas we could submit to Viz Comic. 

  "So I dropped this into the mix: 'Hey, what
  about a strip about someone suffering from
  AIDS? It could be called "Adrian Ayds – He's
  Got Aids", and the strapline could be "It's Fun
  To Be HIV."'

  "A silence as total as death slammed down. The
  grin froze on my face. Hepzibah, a blue-haired
  gothette Humanities student, burst into tears
  and buried her face in her hands. Her friend
  Sarah shouted, 'Her brother's got AIDS, you
  insensitive bastard!' Max simply rose
  gracefully from his seat, walked over to me,
  and spat in my face. He then walked out and
  never spoke to me again.

  "I was ostracised for three months. I had death
  threats slid under the door of my room in
  College Hall, and my room was regularly broken
  into and trashed, my kettle pissed in, turds
  left steaming on my pillow, and I was only let
  back in after I had published a full and frank
  apology in the student mag and read the apology
  out on stage in the Union in front of all my
  fellow students. Miserable, humourless cunts
  the lot of them."
(Dr Skagra)


  * BEADLE - Alone at a BBQ a mutual friend
  introduced me to very beautiful girl. We got on
  brilliantly, everything looked positive.
  Personally, I believe I was very sexy and
  hilarious: a font of high class jokes and
  cerebral humour. 

  "That is until the drink and nerves kicked
  in... I picked up one of those large 660ml
  bottles of beer in one hand, and a small bottle
  of beer in the other. Instantly I reverted to
  type and announced loudly to the girl and the
  wider group 'Look I'm Jeremy Beadle!' 

  "Bemused faces. I desperately felt the need to
  elucidate. 'Jeremy Beadle. He's got a small
  hand' (Waves big bottle of beer) 'Well he's
  dead now, but he had a very small hand'
  (Jiggles large bottle beside small bottle) 'You
  mean you haven't heard that joke? You know...
  Jeremy Beadle's got a big penis. But on the
  other hand it's quite small' (Half-heartedly
  jiggles large bottle of beer in a masturbatory
  motion).

  "EVERYONE turned their back on me and started
  new conversations. Jeremy Beadle's hand is
  cursed." (Parmenu)


  >> This week – NOT-STALGIA <<
  Tell us why the past was a bit shit.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/Thepastwasrubbish/


-------------------------------------------------

: USVSTH3M
The other website that has some of the
same people on it

  * Where’s Damascus? (Don’t Ask Us) - The US and
  UK are probably about to bomb it. Do you know
  where it is?
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/damascus/


  * You Can’t Do Geography Under Pressure -
  flags, countries, capitals you know the score.
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/geography/


  * Pollocks or Bollocks - Are these squiggles
  the work of Abstract Expressionist genius
  Jackson Pollock, or the worthless daubings of
  other, random people?
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/pollocksorbollocks/


-------------------------------------------------

: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Benedict Cumberbatch name generator <<
  The genius of Mr and Mrs Cumberbatch was in
  giving their child a name that could be
  signified by any six syllables. We love that
  Rinkydink Snugglesnatch, watch everything
  he's in.
http://benedictcumberbatchgenerator.tumblr.com/


  >> Selfies at serious places <<
  Inexplicable choices of occasion/location to
  take a selfie. See also the dozens of guys on
  Grindr who like to use Berlin's Holocaust
  Memorial as a cool selfie backdrop.
http://selfiesatseriousplaces.tumblr.com/


  >> "Unnecessary" quotes <<
  A "classic" blog that points out how misuse of
  quotation marks can really "change" the slant
  of your message. Work "safe".
http://www.unnecessaryquotes.com/


  >> Summer to Winter in a single step <<
  Wonderful location on Google Street View, where
  taking a single step turns the season half a
  year ahead.
http://bit.ly/Zhdci1


  >> Miley Cyrus’ Infinite Tongue <<
  Serious, academic attempt to map the entire
  extent of Ms Cyrus' extraordinarily long
  tongue. How far can you scroll before getting
  bored?
http://www.mileycyrustongue.com/


  >> Your Kickstarter Sucks <<
  Snarky blogs demolishes the worst, the absolute
  worst Kickstarter ideas. Some of which have
  raised a ton of money, so let's hope we never
  reach that level of success. Woo!
http://yourkickstartersucks.tumblr.com/


-------------------------------------------------

: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Watch at 16 x 16 resolution for retro-thrills

  >> Super Mario parkour <<
  This is both physically impressive and
  nostalgia-inducing. And if anyone had died
  during the shoot, they'd have had to start all
  over again from the beginning.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=67qqEcGDC0s


  >> All hail the King of Kebabs <<
  This guy is a shawarma master (the Arabic
  equivalent of doner kebabs) and he has got some
  smooth moves.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9tDLiiQWfDg


  >> Breaking Bad actor cracks, reveals spoilers <<
  Dean Norris, who plays Hank in Breaking Bad,
  spills the beans about how the series is
  scheduled to end. According to a script that
  *he* wrote, at least.
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/636264ec55/


  >> Animals on trampolines <<
  Do animals love trampolines? Yes. Do humans
  love watching animals love trampolines? Please
  participate in our research, in the form of
  watching this video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=v=gSjHCbS_u0Y


-------------------------------------------------

: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Fridge Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to celebrate the
  humble refrigerator.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * SOLO: captured Rebel Alliance freighter 
  pilot encased in carbonite cooler 
  (Q4nobody)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10999551
 
  * RESULTS: jumping girl exam delight 
  cliche enhanced by triumphant Hotpoint
  (Arclayton)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10999159
  
  * WRESTLE: moustachioed sex-tape grappler 
  runs amok at Currys sale
  (Fresh Water Mole) 
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10999115
  
  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/fridge/


  >> New challenge: Creepy Stuff <<
  Boo! This week's challenge is to come up 
  with creepy stuff — images that scare, 
  startle, disturb, and interrupt one's 
  sleep patterns. Suggested by sandettie 
  light vessel automatic
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/creepystuff/


-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include:

  * AN OFF BUTTON FOR ALL THE STUFF THAT WON'T
  STOP - the internet, yapping and the eternal
  crushing pain of our heavy soul.

  * STEADICAM FOR YOUTUBE - Seriously, home-video
  enthusiasts, you make it very hard to produce
  looping GIFs of your cat doing tricks.
  
  * PENS THAT FLY TO OUR HAND WHEN SUMMONED -
  like Thor's hammer Mjolnir. Come on, this is
  2013. We must have magnets or something that
  can make that happen.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


-------------------------------------------------

    Wine:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    Beer:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

-------------------------------------------------

  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Tesco's
  Finest, Sainsbury's Taste the Difference,
  Asda Extra Special and Kwiksave No Frills.
  Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.

  
-------------------------------------------------

  TOP TIP:
  Ensure a Happy Ending at the massage parlour by
  paying the masseuse to read you Cinderella.

next issue »
« previous issue