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NEWSLETTER: HELLO SPAM FOLDERS EVERYWHERE

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This Week:
* CAGE - Infinite Nic Cage
* GOOGLE+ - simulator
* THEFT - Your stories

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "Trust     
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |     No
__/____/____/|__/_/ |_|      One"

B3ta email 607  - 15 Nov 2013

Read this in a slightly different font: 
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue607

   Ups :  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  Downs : b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
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: SPONSORED LINK
  Kenyan Prime Minister latex head mask

  This solemn-looking mask doesn't bear a great
  resemblance to incumbent Kenyan Prime Minister
  Amolo Odinga, whereas it seems well-suited for
  some sort of racist hi-jinks. What. The. Fuck.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00F36VNI4/b3ta-21 


  >> Sponsor B3ta <<
  Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
  Cage, Porn, Xmas, Bears and Human Resources

  >> Infinite Instagram selfies with added Nicolas Cage <<
  Imagine a human face with Nicolas Cage stamped
  on it. Forever. "I made this over the weekend,"
  writes intyra. "It's a bit shit but fuck it, it
  adds character."
http://feelingcagey.com/


  >> Shepherds of Xhamster <<
  For the uninitiated, Xhamster is a porn site.
  Here are some lovely pictures of shepherds,
  superimposed with the eye-watering names of
  porn videos.
http://shepherdsofxhamster.blogspot.co.uk/


  >> Ant n Dec, Xmas is coming - NSFW <<
  "'Tis the season..." writes hobnobgoblin. Mucky
  but funny.  
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ant_n_Dec_Xmas_is_coming_NSFW


  >> John Lewis Christmas advert 2013 - bit bleaker <<
  'Tis definitely the season for mocking the
  blockbuster Christmas commercials. Dark but,
  you know, topical stuff from HappyToast.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1094294


  >> The Ladies Of H.R. <<
  "Hello chaps and chapesses," writes This
  Glorious Monster. "Here's our latest dark,
  little sketch."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1097372/


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: USVSTH3M
  Another site we do, that you might like

  * Realistic Google Plus Simulator - we've made a
  super-accurate Realistic Google Plus Simulator -
  have fun in the wilderness!
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/google-plus-simulator/


  * 11 terrifying kids from vintage adverts who
    will freeze the very marrow in your bones
http://usvsth3m.com/post/66372953934/


  * 18 things only Northerners living down south
  will understand.
http://usvsth3m.com/post/65623530326/


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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
   Theft
 
  Last week we asked if you'd ever stolen
  anything. The evidence for the prosecution is as
  follows:
http://b3ta.com/questions/theft/

 
  * CUSTOMS & EXCISE - Bored on an October
  weekend, I got a last minute return ticket for
  the Channel Tunnel and went for a drive around
  Normandy. I didn't do much - found a few pretty
  seaside towns and stopped for a meal, had a
  passing look at some war damage, picked up a
  few cheap packs of tobacco and headed back. 

  "My mistake was only being in France for about
  four hours. This made the (British) customs
  officers at Coquelles suspicious, and after
  questioning me they proceeded to strip and
  search my car. After two hours of them looking
  inside door panels, inside the air filter and
  pollen filter, they finally admitted I had done
  nothing wrong and could continue on my journey
  home. 

  "The roller-shutter on their inspection
  building slid up, I chucked my coat onto the
  passenger seat, jumped in, and rolled out
  toward the train home. As I drove out, I heard
  one of the customs guys ask: 'Where did you put
  the toolbox?' It was under my coat on the
  passenger seat. Still got it." (CarpeCyprinidae)
 

  * IKEA - I once ordered a lemonade at a cafe in
  an Ikea. They gave me the cup at the check-out,
  and I had to fill it up myself from the
  dispenser. I put some ice from the ice machine
  in the bottom, then filled my plastic cup with
  soft drink mix. Unfortunately, I had filled it
  too close to the brim for easy transportation,
  so I took a couple of sips to lower the level
  in the cup. 

  "At this point I could have just walked away.
  But I didn't walk away. A horrible plan formed
  in my mind, driven by an all-consuming greed.
  Trying to look casual while my heart was
  pounding, I returned to the drinks dispenser.
  As nonchalantly as I could, I TOPPED UP MY
  DRINK AGAIN WITH MORE LEMONADE THAN I HAD PAID
  FOR. Suddenly fearing the hand of a store
  detective on my shoulder, I walked a little too
  quickly to the exit, and my drink spilled a
  little, probably losing more than I had gained
  by illegal means.

  "Even when I got to my car I knew I wouldn't be
  in the clear until I was at least a few miles
  away. The drinks holder in my car was too small
  for the cup, so I drank the whole thing quickly
  and didn't really enjoy it. It's a crime I've
  had to live with for the rest of my days.
  (cumquat may) (And nobody spoil it by
  mentioning that Ikea now do free refills. Oh.)


  * POLICE - A guy I know was the manager of a
  petrol station. Early one Christmas morning, he
  was called out of bed by the police on the
  phone, telling him that someone had smashed the
  window of the station shop, and he needed to
  come down to tell them what had been stolen.
  
  "Staggering blearily back to work, he surveyed
  the shelves. 'Looks like three bottles of
  whiskey have been taken, and maybe four large
  boxes of cigarettes.' 

  "'OK,' said the police officer, reaching for a
  couple of the remaining whiskey bottles, 'So
  that was five bottles of whiskey, wasn't it
  sir, and I believe you said six boxes of
  cigarettes?'" (moon monkey)
 

  >> This week – ATTENTION WHORE <<
  Because it's all about me, me, me – tell us
  what ridiculous things have you or others done
  to grab the limelight.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/attentionwhore/


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  >> Make reaction GIFs with your face <<
  Create your own iconic reaction GIFs using your
  own face. Or someone else's - that's the
  flexibility of the internet age.
http://gifyourself.in/
 

  >> Real Life Instagram <<
  Stupid colours, weird cropping, Real Life
  Instagram is just perfect.
http://reallifeinstagram.com/


  >> The most self-centred Comment is Free post <<
  Richard Dawkins' weird honey terrorist rant is
  the most self-centred Comment is Free article
  in history, according to analysis of the number
  of times it mentions references “me”, “myself”
  and “I”.
http://commentismee.qwghlm.co.uk/115/


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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO

  >> Old men dance to acid house <<
  So pleasingly effortless we could watch it
  forever.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/All_day_long


  >> The Correspondents: Fear and Delight <<
  "A couple of friends started a sort of band a
  half dozen or so years ago," writes unclepills.
  "This is their first proper video." Love the
  music and the homage to the early days of
  animation.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1095126/


  >> That Jean Claude Van Damme ad <<
  The Muscles From Brussels does the splits in
  mid-air, between two articulated lorries,
  reversing, while listening to Enya.
  Heart-achingly beautiful.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1096617/


  >> Nicely detailed 'inside the birdhouse' ad <<
  We don't remember it from the time, but this
  birdhouse is packed with lovely, whimsical
  detail.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1094706/
 

  >> Brule's Rules on storing eggs <<
  Absolute gold!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1095776/


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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Results from the Mobile Phone Challenge

  Last week we wanted you to plant mobile phones
  at moments of great historical importance.

  Your favourites included:
 
  * FUHRER: Apple's auto-correct changes dictator
  legacy for worse (barryheadwound)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11027340

 
  * FORTUNATE: medieval selfie offers protection
  to battling King (1.618...)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11026947

  
  * FASCINATING: Dutch master of impossible
  constructions, in reverse (Dr.Dunno)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/11027043


  All these images, and the highest as voted by
  you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/mobile-history/


  >> New challenge: Pet Instructions <<
  This week's challenge is to loot the internet
  for source images and compile instruction
  manuals for pet owners, enabling them to get the
  best use out of their animals. Challenge
  suggested by strongp.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/pet-instructions/


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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE

  Make something cool and tell us about it. If
  you are in it then people will see your stuff.

  Things we'd really like to see include

  * A GOOD REASON TO USE GOOGLE+. No, seriously,
  are we missing something here? because nobody
  else seems to be using it either.
  
  * A NEW TYPE OF SANDWICH - for surely we have
  exhausted the ingenuity of Canary Wharf's
  greatest sandwich-wrights.
  
  * OUR HOMES AND LOVED ONES, because this is
  looking like a late one.

  Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/

  BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
  been featured then don't be put off - we look
  at everything you send us.


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    Smores:  b3ta-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
    Snores:  b3ta-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com

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  THANKS:
  This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
  David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by skeltonator,
  skaduskitai, Double2, lustreboy, loego.  
  Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
  Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
  

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  TOP TIP:
  Lose weight by living on the moon.


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