NEWSLETTER: "READ IT BEFORE THE TORIES BAN INTERNET WORDS"
"READ IT BEFORE THE TORIES BAN INTERNET WORDS"
This Week:
* JESUS IS A TORY -And we interviewed him
* HOW CRIMINAL IS YOUR NAME? - Very, we imagine
* IN PRIVATE EYE - For telling Murdoch to F. Off
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're typing
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | all of the web out
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| so we don't lose it"
B3ta email 673 - 19 May 2017
Read this issue via a internet bollock:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue673
Friend b3ta on Facebook - go on you bastards:
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan
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: HELLO AGAIN x3
Week three in the unlikely B3ta newsletter
relaunch and we've sold an ad (yes, really), and
been horribly overambitious again - interviewing
Jesus so we're late. Shit on a bollock. We want
to be early. Anyway - on with the content
people. It's CONTENT TIME , but first a word
from our sponsor:
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: KNIGHTMARE LIVE - 21st & 28th May
Sponsored link - yes really, a good one too
It is like the 1980s again: A tory landslide on
the horizon and kids with buckets on their heads
is entertainment. Get a shit hair cut and relive
your childhood this week with a re-imagining of
KNIGHTMARE TV show for the stage.
https://myticket.co.uk/artists/knightmare-live
Really - who would believe it? Back three weeks
and we've sold an ad. Actually one that's
relevant to B3ta readers. KNIGHTMARE LIVE FFS!
How good is that? Some some fucking tickets ok?
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: OFFICAL B3TA INTERVIEW WITH JESUS
OK, 'Tory' Jesus
Yep. Always bringing your exclusives we're got
an interview with Jesus. Yes, Jesus has risen
again and he's come back as a Tory, the fucking
Tory arsehole.
Make sure you read this - Tory Jesus is fucking
brilliant.
http://b3ta.com/blog/tory-jesus-twitter-account/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DOING RECENTLY
Amazing stuff - truly wonderful things
* THE NAKED GUN RANDOM INTRO SEQUENCE GENERATOR
- Monkeon has made a brilliant thing that plays
random gifs in the style of the Naked Gun intro.
Turn up the sound.
http://www.monkeon.co.uk/nakedgun/
* COMPUTER FUN - a great little visual gag from
drivelsieve. Utterly charming.
http://b3ta.com/links/Computer_fun
* HOW CRIMINAL IS YOUR NAME - actually a worky
project from Matt Round but we're bunging it in
coz it's very UsVsTh3m - the particular viral
mechanism of encouraging people to look up their
own name. We recommend looking up Donald.
https://www.gotocourt.com.au/how-criminal-is-your-...
* SAYING GOOD BYE TO DAD - Ornsack's dad sadly
passed away last year and he was best known for
making the well-loved kids' TV show Trapdoor.
Ornsack writes, "My dad passed away last March
whilst making an animated series in his spare
time. I've been desperately trying to finish it
for him alongside a few of his mates. We are
nearly done! Aiming for a March release on
trusty-ol' YouTube. In the mean time local BBC
News interviewed me about it over Christmas.
YEAH I SHOULD HAVE POSTED THIS EARLIER. Never
mind."
http://b3ta.com/links/Finishing_My_Dads_Work
* SHED OF THE YEAR 2007 - the project unclewilco
launched on B3ta back in 2007 is going great
guns and now is a TV show and subject og a huge
Guardian feature. Amazing work old chap.
https://goo.gl/4qapS7
* HELP BUILD A FURTIVE BEAR - b3tas are working
together to build a Furtive Bear using a
collaborative pixel app. Currently there's huge
cock on it. Yay.
http://pixelcanvas.io/@389,1748
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: GETTING INTO PRIVATE EYE BY TELLING RUPERT
MURDOCH TO "FUCK OFF"
Very pleased to get this press clipping from
Private Eye about this very newsletter's editor,
who was simply amusing himself one day on
Twitter and managed to get the message "Fuck off
Murdock" into The Sun online newspaper.
https://goo.gl/MlqG7w
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: SIX PEOPLE WHO DID DIE IN THE MIDDLE-AGES
@DeathMedieval is a superb Twitter bot that
posts "real deaths from medieval coroners' rolls"
Here's a handful of our absolute favs:
* A dead man, found in 1362 by John Atfield, who
had not been wounded, but "somewhat lacerated by
dogs."
* Bertram Polet, found dead in 1271, assumed to
have been slain by "evil-doers."
* Henry Costentin, died 1267 after his feet
slipped and fell upon a pole of his wheat cart,
which did penetrate into his fundament
(buttocks)
* Henry, son of Nicholas le Clerk, died at age
14 in 1432, dragged to death by a horse which
had been startled by a bird
* Johanna, daughter of Bernard de Irlaunde, died
in 1322, being mortally bitten by a sow while
lying in her cradle. The sow valued at 13 1/2 d
* John Clerk, stabbed in 1366 by by Adam Case
with knife thirteen inches long after
"opprobrious words" were exchanged in a field.
Seriously. Shit the bed. You need to follow the
fuck out of this.
https://twitter.com/DeathMedieval
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TWEET OF THE WEEK 1/5 - @sehnaoui
"People next to me are loud and rude. They just
found the perfect name for their new business. I
just bought the domain name."
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: SWEAR CLOCK UPDATE
Last week we launched Swear Clock and we've
noticed that simple direct swears often get the
most engagement. But the baroque ones are my
favs. So here's just five from what people are
calling "that clock thing that swears"
* Shit Jesus's Bed And Wank On A Bible It's
10:30AM
* Spunk On A Cottage Pie It's 10:30AM
* Fuck An Owl And Blame Alan Shearer It's 11:30AM
* Touch Rob Brydon's Anus With A Porcelain Dog
Collection It's 11:30AM
* Spunk On A Blankety Blank Chequebook And Pen
It's 11:30PM
We're also pleased to see an article in The
Metro.
https://goo.gl/yMxBky
Also got a lovely mention from from Nick Doody
on BBC Radio 4's "That Was the Tweet That Was"
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b08q60r5
Getting media attention is a surprise as
although we obviously want our projects to be
popular and get talked about, Swear Clock really
is fucking rude. Not just fucks and cunts, but
random and surreal abuse of celebrity's genitals
with mundane objects. On half past the hour -
every hour. Fuck yeah.
http://twitter.com/swearclock
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TWEET OF THE WEEK 2/5 - @PetFran48
"It is a truth, universally acknowledged, that a
Tory in possession of a fortune must be in need of
some more"
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: THREE BEST IMAGES THIS WEEK
All the good stuff from /board
* A STAR TREK NOSTALGIC CLASSIC - (Mofaha)
http://b3ta.com/board/11226508
* KEEP 'EM CORBYN - (MrDoucheBags)
http://b3ta.com/board/11226082
* TORY MALWARE - (Artist: HSDriver)
http://b3ta.com/board/11226131
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like TV but even shittier
* THIS "STRONG AND STABLE" DAFT PUNK REMIX IS
FUCKING MARVELLOUS
http://b3ta.com/links/1439250
* THIS DOCUMENTARY ON ELECTRONIC MUSIC PIONEER
DELIA DERBYSHIRE IS ALSO FUCKING MARVELLOUS
http://b3ta.com/links/1439405
* NEWSREADERS IN THE PUB IS A PRETTY GOOD SKETCH
http://b3ta.com/links/1440187
Right. That's enough video. If you want loads
of video go to the popular bit of /links. Loads
of fucking video there sunshine.
http://b3ta.com/links/popular/
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TWEET OF THE WEEK 3/3 - @somecleverthing
"Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect - A Guide to
Dying Alone"
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: BUY MUSHYBEES T-SHIRTS
We ballsed up the link to Mushybees t-shirt last
week shop - so here's the correct one.
We recommend classics like "don't vote Tory" and
"Piers Morgan is a bell end"
https://www.etsy.com/uk/shop/mushybeestees
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: THINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE THIS WEEK
Yes, you can star in this newsletter
* COOKING WITH SPECTRUMS - There's a niche but
potentially funny YouTube video idea in this.
Set up your ZX in kitchen and try and cook along
https://twitter.com/PulpLibrarian/status/864904222...
* KICKSTOPPER - donate to prevent tedious
journalists posting their terrible takes
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TWEET OF THE WEEK 4/5 - @dotmund
"Iggy Pop was 70 this year. I know this because of
the song 1969, in which he states that he was 21
the previous year"
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: SLOGANS MANGLED BY MAY
In the week where Theresa May actually said
"what it is says on the tin is what they will
get" we were amusing to see people making their own
#slogansmangledbymay
* "In order to return the freshness, we must not
only do the vacuuming, but also shake." -
* "Iron Brew, Made in The North from Bollards" -
* "My friend Marmite" -
* "They're tasty, and tasty *means* tasty." -
* "Go to work after eating an egg" -
* "Enjoy a rest with your Kit Kat" -
Suggestions from @petetavna, @Okeating,
@DanielMudford, @mrwriterman79,
@GeeItSomeLaldy, @JoeScaramanga.
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TWEET OF THE WEEK 5/5 - @ZoeTomalin
"Getting BBC news alerts at the moment is like
being in a Whatsapp group with Satan"
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Make Corbyn Electable
Here's the best images from last week:
* "HE'S JEREMY, JEREMY, JEREMY RIMMER, WITHOUT
HIM LIFE WOULD BE MUCH GRIMMER....." ETC. -
(Barbarossa)
http://b3ta.com/board/11225810
* KEEP 'EM CORBYN - (MrDoucheBags)
http://b3ta.com/board/11226082
* "I'M FREE!" - (Q4nobody)
http://b3ta.com/board/11225770
* See all the other images from the 'Make Corbyn
Electable' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/corbynelectable
>> This week: After TV <<
What jobs do fictional tv characters do after
their shows have finished? Show us with the
power of computational image manipulation what
line of work Yogi bear went in to, how Captain
Picard funds his continuing space trips and how
The Fonz pays his leather jacket and RSI thumb
surgery bills.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/aftertv
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* FINALLY A GOOD USE FOR FACEAPP - This guy
going around a museum and using FaceApp to add
smiles to classical art is such a good idea.
Would be lovely to try this in a UK gallery too.
https://goo.gl/LruamB
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: REJECTED (BUT GOOD NEWSLETTER TITLES)
Fuck it, it's good content brad
* ENTERING YOUR INBOX LIKE A SEX-STARVED JULIAN
ASSANGE (TRIBS)
* FUCK ME OVER A BARREL IT'S HALF PAST
NEWSLETTER O'CLOCK (BARBAROSSA)
* JULIAN ASSANGE SHOULD BE ARRESTED FOR THE
CRIME OF DRESSING A CAT IN A SHIRT AND TIE
(SMALLBRAINFIELD)
* WE'RE STILL BACK AND TORIES ARE STILL CUNTS
(MANIC)
* NO NEWSLETTER IN HISTORY HAS BEEN TREATED
WORSE THAN THIS (ARNIIE)
* ANOTHER B3TA NEWSLETTER. WE'RE GOING TO KEEP
MAKING THESE UNTIL YOU SEND US ENOUGH BITCOINS
(ENCELADUS)
* THE OFFICIAL 2017 PROCRASTINATION MANIFESTO
(@TWEETSBYJT)
http://b3ta.com/board/11226621
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: EVERY SINGLE THING MARK E SMITH HATES
According a wonderful 1987 magazine feature
* Brown bread with bits in it
* All Sunday papers
* Mature guys with ponytails
* Scotch pop groups featuring pseudo intellectuals
* The Cure's one record
* All Welsh groups
* All new American groups
* All Dutch groups
* Anything connected with New Model Army
* Chablis wine V
* Vietnam War
* Iran/Iraq War
* Mexican food
* Berlin
* Leeds
* American football
* Mike Smith
* Nescafe
* All fruit juice
* Boddie and Waddle
* Embassy No 1
* Marlboro 100's
* Royal Air Force
* Eddie Murphy
* British science fiction
* Stephen King
* All new American and British cartoons
* British Electricity
* France (permanent)
* Martin Amis
* Pop stars in new silver cars
* Rock on television
* Plastic grebos in Doctor Martens boots. (You'd
never get a real biker to wear them.)
https://twitter.com/20thcenturymarc/status/8637706...
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: KNIGHTMARE LIVE - 21st & 28th May
Sponsored link - yes really, a good one too
It is like the 1980s again: A tory landslide on
the horizon and kids with buckets on their heads
is entertainment. Get a shit hair cut and relive
your childhood this week with a re-imagining of
KNIGHTMARE TV show for the stage.
https://myticket.co.uk/artists/knightmare-live
Yes we've repeated the ad at the bottom. It's
called trying to play nice with the people who
waved money at us. It's a good idea.
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: CREDIT
Edited by Rob Manuel & David Stevenson.
Newsletter title by Mighty Nibus.
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Follow b3ta on Twitter:
https://www.twitter.com/b3ta
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TOP TIP: SAVE TIME! - The next time somebody
asks you what the time is just walk past them.
I've calculated that If I had done this since
the age of 20 I would have saved myself a whole
5 days. Also works for directions and requests
for assistance. I'm a shit policeman I really
am. (Woolworth)
Add your own 'top tip' at:
http://b3ta.com/questions/toptips
