The other way around, but...
I had a phone call from an Indian guy called 'Steve'. He works for a market surveying company and would spend his day in an office full of other Indians with English names asking anybody that didn't hang up questions about their lifestyle and spending habits. Anyway, I hate cold callers and especially those that keep pushing so they get their commission after I've agreed to take the survey.

Steve : Hello, mynameissteve. howareyoutoday? [that's how he sounded - all the words in one long drawl]
Downhill : Bit busy. Got kids to see to.
Steve : Thatisverynice. Now I ask you some questions. Do you own your home?
Downhill : Sorry, what's this about??

[bloke starts to talk about marketing offers, discounts and prize draw.]

Downhill: Go on then.
Steve : Do you own your own home?
Downhill : Yes
Steve : Are you considering replacing any windows in the near future?
Downhill : No point. I'm blind
Steve : What?
Downhill : I've had them all bricked up as I can't see through them anyway. Keeps the house warmer, too.
Steve : Oh, sorry to hear that. Are there any cars in the household?

[what?]

Downhill : I'm not allowed to drive.
Steve : Sorry to hear that sir.
Downhill : because I'm blind. I'd crash.
Steve : Sorry to hear that sir.
Downhill : I have a motorbike
Steve : And is the insurance due for renewal in the next few months?
DOwnhill : I can't ride it - I'm blind.
Steve : Sorry to hear that sir.

[awkward pause as Steve skips through that chapter of his text]

Steve : do you read any of the following publications - Daily Mail, The Sun, The....
Downhill : I would love to be able to read all off them, but I can't
Steve : Oh, sorry to...
Downhill : ...because I'm blind
Steve : Oh, sorry to hear that sir

[pause]

Steve : Do you have a television in the house?
Downhill : Yes. Somewhere.
Steve : Hmm?
Downhill : I can't find it. I'm blind.
Steve : SO you don't watch it?
Downhill : Of course, not. I'm blind.
Steve : Do you know where your tv is?
Downhill : Yes. It;s in the lounge
Steve : Ok....Do you have any pets?
Downhill : ... I have a dog.
Steve : [relieved that he found something I have in the house] what food does the dog normally have?
Downhill : He doesn't have a regular thing to eat. It varies every day.
Steve : Oh. Is that a medical reason?
Downhill : No. I'm blind and can't read the labels. He's had baked beans 3 times this week.
Steve : Sorry to hear that sir.

[pause as Steve looks for the next section of questions]

Downhill : Is this going to take long?
Steve : Er. no just one more section. What sports do you play?
Downhill : Downhill cycle racing
Steve : And do you do this once a day, once a week or once a month, for example
Downhill : Only done it once.
Steve : You've only started recently?
Downhill : No - but the only time i tried it I hit a tree because I'm blind

[pause]

Steve : You're not really blind are you?
Downhill : And you're not really called Steve are you?
[click!]



Honestly, the conversation went on a lot longer than you took to read it AND I've spared you some of the sections. Honestly, when they have a script to read and they get paid to read it, they pull out all the stops to get it done!

I never apologise for length. I'm lucky to have any.
(downhill without brakes . It was the worst day of my life, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 17:41, 11 replies)

That's completely brilliant, and he didn't break the script once, well, not till he ran off the end of it. I may have to give up my regular habit of blowing my trumpet or playing the sound effect of pigs being slaughtered I have stored on my phone for that exact purpose.
(Benzyl, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 18:10, closed)

*clicks*
That is bloody hilarious m'good man.
( daikoku has been on a ragga tip since, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 20:27, closed)

You are my hero.
(Pope Jamiroquai III, Thu 3 Sep 2009, 20:33, closed)

*click*
First involuntary officelol of the QOTW
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Fri 4 Sep 2009, 9:27, closed)

Excellent
I'll have to give this a go myself!
(richardm, Fri 4 Sep 2009, 11:14, closed)

lol
Cause I'm blind..
*click*
(danniekavanagh did nothing constructive on, Fri 4 Sep 2009, 11:27, closed)

*click*
I have tears in my eyes, my shoulders are shaking - and I'm about to run out of the office so I can laugh out loud.

Absolutely superb! (and I'm using it next time I get a call too)
( snee held his breath since, Fri 4 Sep 2009, 11:43, closed)

This is really funny but...
I have to warn you about making blind jokes. Back when Blunkett was home secretary and trying to introduce his evil ID card scheme I made a comment that his obsessive need to monitor the public was rooted in his blindness. Mean spirited perhaps, but he was a pretty awful guy at the time despite looking like a saint compared to the current lot.

A month later I was diagnosed with keratoconus, a progressive, incurable disease of the corneas that blurs vision in very strange ways. As it gets worse it will be like seeing the world through that crazy glass that people used to have on front doors in the '80s. I can't drive at night now, TV is difficult to watch and operating a computer can be hard (I work in IT). The only way round it is horribly uncomfortable RGP contacts.

Anyway, I'm just saying. Blind people have insanely good hearing (because they're blind) and they WILL find a way of fucking up your shit to punish you for your mockery. Be careful.
( Scrumper, Fri 4 Sep 2009, 15:12, closed)

who said that?
come on... i can hear you.... where are you little scrote??
(BHMM, Sat 5 Sep 2009, 2:23, closed)

*CLICK*
First belly laugh of the week.
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Fri 4 Sep 2009, 15:50, closed)

That...
...made me laugh out loud.
And I'm a miserable bastard at the best of times.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Fri 4 Sep 2009, 16:06, closed)