Famous people I hate (480 stories) - "I hate Wayne Bridge... ...because he is shit and plays for Citeh." - says DrTugnut2
Top Tips (2531 stories) - "Trying to pull girls Whenever trying to pull, never say, "You look just like my sister."
Just Don't. Trust me." - says Godwin's Lawyer
Bugs and feature requests (1026 stories) - "editing messages doesn't take you back to the message board when you press save as it used to." - says Holly Would
Image Challenge suggestions (3529 stories) - "How would you like to vote In his conference speech, Mr Brown said Labour would hold a referendum "early" in the next Parliament on proposals for an a..." - says Jamnog
Question of the Week suggestions (4711 stories) - "Are you feeling the love? If so why? Lots of anger on this (4th Feb 2010) week's QOTW so maybe its time for some nice stuff. So what's the nicest thin..." - says willydoc
Off Topic (lots of topics) - "Are you a QOTWer? Do you want to start a thread that isn't a direct answer to the current QOTW? Then this place, gentle poster, is your friend."
Previous 303 questions:
The Soundtrack of your Life (408 stories) - "As I work in the film industry... I have a friend, John, who does animatronics. You know, the radio-controlled mechanical puppets they used to use for..." - says pixel_fucker
Real-life slapstick (372 stories) - "Time for a pearoast
Sheffield gets a lot of bad press regarding its public transport system. To be fair as if you don't live on the tramline you'r..." - says kickstandrich
Anonymous (224 stories) - "As an antithesis to Bad Advice's funeral cuntiness below, When we go to the cemetery where Mrs SLVA's parents are buried, I see several children’s gra..." - says sandettie light vessel automatic
Vomit Pt2 (433 stories) - "Shit and stuff So my son shat himself. Not that strange, considering he is only two years old, although pushing three. We were playing outside, and I ..." - says ThorTheBear
Sexism (466 stories) - "Concise Click if you think tits are ace." - says sandettie light vessel automatic
Schadenfreude (339 stories) - "I have never, never laughed so hard I was walking home from shop when I saw my mate cycle past. I shouted and he looked round to see who it was. How..." - says sandettie light vessel automatic
Asking people out (338 stories) - "Oh God, this digs up bad memories Some of the most excruciating times of my life have centred around asking girls out.
People who know me now might..." - says ousgg
Failed Projects (193 stories) - "Grandad.. Mat J's post has just tickled a memory bone.. www.b3ta.com/questions/worldoffail/post584511#answers-post-584571
My grandad was one of tho..." - says danniekavanagh
Presents (276 stories) - "supposedly my best gift ever or so my mum says. it's not exactly your average gift, but she still talks about it.
one year, when i was about 11 yea..." - says Smash Monkey
PE Lessons (443 stories) - "Physical Education GCSE Paper 1 - Multiple Choice Question 1
It’s Monday morning and first period is Rugby. During morning tutor period the class ar..." - says Colonel Dracula
Family Feuds (235 stories) - "Accidental Personality change My memories of my dad before I was10 are quite good. He wasn't the most demonstrative of parents but he was funny, a bi..." - says sittingduck
Teenage Crushes - Part Two (430 stories) - "Are people misunderstanding what a crush is? Are crush and hormone-driven gratuitous sexual fantasy the same thing? IMO no it isn't. I think a crush ..." - says sandettie light vessel automatic
Rubbish Towns (569 stories) - "Kappa-Slappa Jailbait You couldn't even have a wank in this town without having some teenage girl battering down your front door, punch you in the fac..." - says SpankyHanky
Sexual fetishes (421 stories) - "This is going to make you vom into your own outstretched hands…
Kink, quirk, fetish, perversion – call it what you will. I have a weakness…a de..." - says Mr Twisty Cheeky
I don't understand the attraction (901 stories) - "What’s the deal…?
What’s the deal with Harry Potter?
I bet he likes it up the jotter
Dan Brown’s shit sells by the tonne
& Obama’s peace p..." - says Mr Twisty Cheeky
Celebrities part II (480 stories) - "Oh, just remembered My mate Carl used to be in a band that supported The Hollies on a tour some years ago. They'd finish and then go back to their pi..." - says sandettie light vessel automatic
Neighbours (312 stories) - "Blue Rinse Dragons Part II This will make more sense if you can be bothered with this Blue Rinse Dragons Part I
The wispy apparition of the Lingeri..." - says spimf
IT Support (408 stories) - "Testing! Testing! A few years back, we used to have an IT filter on our PCs at work. You'd try and look at anything inappropriate and get blocked.
..." - says SnowyTheRabbit
The most childish thing you've done as an adult (653 stories) - "Severely pissed off fighting through the hoards of tourists and shoplifters in Primarks on Oxford Street, my girlfriend asks the shop assistant:
"E..." - says SpankyHanky
Helicopter Parents (236 stories) - "New Girlfriend When I was 19, I started dating a girl named Rachel who I met down my local. We’d been seeing each other for about 3 weeks when I sense..." - says Monkey the Chicken
Call Centres (526 stories) - "Sometimes, it pays to listen. First of all, everything written below is true and is virtually word-for-word a transcript of the conversation. I have c..." - says Undercovercarrot
Conspiracy theory nutters (261 stories) - "Not many people know this... This post has been removed by a moderator" - says notmyrealname
DIY Techno-hacks (272 stories) - "Wank alarm When I was 11, I was into electronics. My best ever project was to install Maplin type pressure pads around the house under the carpet, and..." - says I have run out of coke
School Projects (263 stories) - "Whoooooosh! At school, I was never particularly good at maths or science but I excelled at English (oh, those were the days).
When I was young and in..." - says MademoiselleDave
Food sex (261 stories) - "Twix of Doom My first girlfriend and I were together for about two and a half years. A few weeks before we split up we went on a short break to Cartme..." - says nasalhair
Mobile phone disasters (354 stories) - "A happy tale My last few efforts on QOTW seem to be all fluffy and nice and unfortunately (perhaps) this is no exception.
There we were, blokes dr..." - says SpikeyPickle
The Dark (280 stories) - "We had only a couple of hours in which to see Dylan at the funeral home before the coffin had to be closed. Everyone who could be there looked at his ..." - says Juan Quar
Banks (404 stories) - "Long story of stubborn coppery hell Years of collecting coppers in a big jar until it finally reached the top. Conscientious as I am, I separate all t..." - says NickTervous
Gyms (250 stories) - "The Breaking of Farting Strings. When I was in my mega fit phase a few years ago (sadly I am now a bit of a fatty) I would try to push my body quite f..." - says powervator
Tramps (343 stories) - "Manchester Hobo - a tale of homelessness and happiness. He was a lovely chap and I'll call him Fred.
I first met Fred when he was sleeping on the ..." - says SpikeyPickle
Buses (378 stories) - "Revenge is a dish best served......eaten? Living in Non-UK European country and not having a driving license I get to travel the Pov wagon fairly ofte..." - says Bababoon
The Boss (313 stories) - "Crazy Steve There were 3 managers in a fast food place that I worked, two that loved their jobs and the other, Crazy Steve, who clearly didn't give a ..." - says Regger
That's me on TV! (334 stories) - "Da-duh, da-duh, da-duh-la-da..... BONG! I haven't previously mentioned this on here (which is surprising - for some reason, I end up telling most pe..." - says TheMagicDwarf
Festivals (378 stories) - "in which Phill Jupitus nearly steals my toy bee. So, due to a combination of intense poverty, surprising lameness of friends ["what do you MEAN you 'd..." - says Seventh
Unexpected Nudity (420 stories) - "Why I can never go back to Sweden
I'm married to a Swede. The blond type, not the root vegetable kind (although tubers possible have a better sense ..." - says voodo_kinky
Impulse buys (347 stories) - "Fearing my relationship was souring a little I bought a fuckton of sexy underwear to tempt him next time I saw him. He broke up with me before I got ..." - says beckyjsbx
Bullies (385 stories) - "I've been waiting to tell this story When I as at School, long ago.
There was a boy who I shouldn't name called Paul Bentley
He was bullied lots..." - says \/\/0R/\/\\/L\/S
Gambling (296 stories) - "How I Met Monty Stupid bets, you say? I've made a few of 'em. Most of these come about drunkenly between me and my friends, when my decision-making pr..." - says TheMagicDwarf
Turning into your parents (394 stories) - "I chanced upon this QOTW when I was feeling a bit down. I've just been to the local Mobility shop to browse their (admittedly fine, and extensive) ran..." - says Derek Acorah's Spirit Guide Sam
Public Sex (406 stories) - "Sin at the cinema Regular readers of my posts may remember my university XXX-ex, who was always up for a gunky fumble. It took me a few months to brin..." - says cunt cat
I'm your biggest Fan (364 stories) - "University Challenge Ok, this QOTW was made for me, and if this doesn't make the top of the front page I will CRY.
Way back in...2003 I think it w..." - says grandmasterfluffles
Nightclubs (404 stories) - "Quim! There! I was once in one of Newcastle's classier* late night drinking establishments, of which there are many. It was a Wednesady night, which w..." - says Undercovercarrot
Unemployed (261 stories) - "DIRTY LAUNDRY Sometimes I manage to disgust myself. Was I really going to sink so low and put my plan in action?
Too fucking right I was.
And i..." - says SpankyHanky
Nativity Plays (331 stories) - "B3ta Nativity play, Act 1 Scene: classroom, B3ta Grant Maintained Primary School. Pasta and glitter glue CDCs adorn the walls. The teacher, Mr chthoni..." - says crackhouseceilidhband
God (554 stories) - "Let's get it out of the way A message to the believers:
No, ID does not have sound arguments, and its claims are bogus. In no sense are they compara..." - says Enzyme
The thing I've been most ashamed of doing with a penis (403 stories) - "Dirty dirty... Back at some point in 2006, I visited a gay club. I'm not gay - but my friend of many, many years had recently come out and was constan..." - says Albert Marshmallow
Puns (782 stories) - "This QOTW reminds me of my schooldays Back when I was doing my GCSEs I really struggled to figure out how and when to get my studying done. Luckily t..." - says GarbageFan
Housemates (409 stories) - "The Colour Purple…
Disclaimer: Please get comfy…and you might want to get a cup of coffee / can of Redbull / gram of speed to keep you going thro..." - says Pooflake
Hypocrisy (451 stories) - "Dare I say…
Asking for QotW suggestions, then ignoring them all and putting your own forward?
" - says Pooflake
Darwin Awards (418 stories) - "Flaming balls of shit! I have a mate. He's a bad influence. When he and I get together, we're positively chaotic. This episode tells of a time shor..." - says lustfish
Pubs (518 stories) - "I've probably told this one before but it's my favourite bar story Me and my friends (a bunch of crusty grebos to a man) decided that for a bit of fun..." - says emvee
School Days (747 stories) - "The Headmaster I'll get it off my chest nice and early. You know the kid in class who always turned up early to lessons, handed homework in on time an..." - says FoxyBadger
The Credit Crunch (366 stories) - "That's gotta hurt I recently realised that I can't really afford to spend the money I used to spend on going to see Southend play football, as I now l..." - says scarpe
Things we do to fit in (262 stories) - "The day I became A MAN !!!
Twenty - odd years later this is still excruciatingly embarrassing to recall.
And I still haven't, and probably never..." - says SpankyHanky
Workplace Boredom (408 stories) - "sad this is what me and the bloke beside me made to mark the border between his desk space and mine:
edit: I've realised that this photo doesn'..." - says yes yes yes man
Siblings (356 stories) - "My youngest brother .xls at school. The oldest one's already a .doc. But the other one's a pdf file." - says apeloverage
Addicted (417 stories) - "I'm addicted to brake fluid, but do feel that I could stop at any time." - says oneinthepink
I'm going to Hell... (651 stories) - "Bloody Morphine I greeted my girlfriend's parents in the sterile lobby area at University Collage Hospital London. They looked tired. I looked tired..." - says SpankyHanky
Cougars and Sugar Daddies (405 stories) - "Getting a Marshmallow into a Piggybank. She was 46. I was 21. She had Bowie-esque angled features and a body not ruined by giving birth to her son, my..." - says trumplefahrt
Cringe! (784 stories) - "Licky licky About 10 years ago, I was at the dentists. I was laying there in the chair staring at the ceiling whilst he was using his instruments of t..." - says mugwump
Family codes and rituals (483 stories) - "Some family rituals are better cunted in the fuck Not a funny one.
Throughout my childhood, the only male member of my father's side of the family ..." - says Tourette's ( . )( . )
Procrastination (439 stories) - "I spent Sunday at home, in my pants, doing nothing ...well, up until around 11pm. My phone rang, which is weird since nobody EVER calls me. It came ..." - says GONEism
Stuff I've found (683 stories) - "we found a troll. A group of friends decide to spend a day on acid, one of them doesn't want to partake and says he'll pop round and see them later wh..." - says drshipman
Eccentrics (420 stories) - "Was it him or was it me? I'm still not quite sure who was the nuttier person in this situation, you decide.
Wiggly lines to simulate going back in..." - says Woofie
Tightwads (517 stories) - "My Bloody (Cheap) Valentine It was February 2006. I had been with my girlfriend for nearly four years. She was from Archangel in Northern Russia. She ..." - says Boss Keloid
Common (909 stories) - "With apologies to Julie Andrews Big hoopy earrings and slag tags on mothers
Corsas with alloys and lily-assed brovvaz
annoying ring tones, played on..." - says PJM
Spoilt Brats (431 stories) - "Some years ago I had about 10 months of unemployment, back in the days of REAL recession, not this namby-pamby bankers-running out-of-cash-because-the..." - says Captain Placid
The nicest thing someone's ever done for me (493 stories) - "Sheer coincidence My brother died at the age of 39 from inoperable stomach and bowel cancer. He was a lot older than me, and had moved out and joined..." - says Leo Sasquatch
My sex misconceptions (470 stories) - "Three's a crowd My sex misconception was that having my first threesome would be a good idea.
It didn’t happen by accident. One of my best mates, l..." - says cunt cat
Food sabotage (493 stories) - "Booze (or not) Working in a pub you meet lots of nice people, unfortunately you also have to suffer more than your fair share of cockends.
Now, I h..." - says monkeyboyalpha
Social Networking Gaffes (341 stories) - "Trannybo I am more of the email generation and wasn’t really down with the Facebook and Bebo thing until my mates pestered me to join Bebo.
So I j..." - says powervator
Customers from Hell (721 stories) - "Not a customer from hell... ...but I worked for a greedy company from hell. An insurance/pensions company I won't name.
Due to stock market shittin..." - says The Helpful Bear
Will you go out with me? (416 stories) - "My Childhood Sweetheart She had large brown eyes and long wavy hair worn in plaits tied with navy blue ribbons.
When she smiled the room lit up an..." - says Stiff Richard
My most gullible moment (597 stories) - "I briefly felt a pang of guilt There was a young girl where I used to work who spent the day obviously upset about something, you know little tears an..." - says TriedItOnceAndDidn'tLikeIt
Thrown away: The stuff you loved and lost. (656 stories) - "Innocence Lost! If found, please call! You might think that alcohol is a wonderful thing. I used to too. However, I was forced to changed my opini..." - says Devil_In_Tights
Blood (490 stories) - "My balls came off! My friend, lets call him Mike, for that is blah blah. His girlfriend Jane tells this story quite nicely. I shall recall.
Mike li..." - says I have run out of coke
Get Rich Quick (320 stories) - "Easy money? There is a simple formula, which goes thus:
1) Convince yourself that it's your right to be famous, by doing absolutely fuck all to des..." - says Davros' Granddad
Pointless Experiments (668 stories) - "The Tena for Women Assesment Test - (TWAT for short) Whilst having a conversation with one of my friends whilst 'slightly' inebriated, we were interu..." - says Spangulum
Best Films Ever (741 stories) - "Dave & I It was just a simple drinking game to go with watching an old favourite: Withnail & I. Keep up with Withnail, in essence, the bare essentials..." - says sorry.
Faking it (350 stories) - "I am a robotics genius (or so the Japanese think) A few years ago as a fresh faced graduate I a got my first “proper” job in a secondary school. The s..." - says PhillieJoe
Tales of the Unexplained (611 stories) - "The landlord and his dog I once knew a chap called Jim. Jim was a landlord who ran a small village pub with his wife Betty. They were a wonderful coup..." - says cunt cat
My Biggest Disappointment (593 stories) - "I was 13 I was sitting in my bedroom overlooking the street. It was getting dark, but I was bored and listless and couldn't be arsed to get up to turn..." - says althegeordie
Advice from Old People (574 stories) - "I used to be a manager in a pub in South Yorks Everyday this old boy would come in and drink his Guinness and whiskey chasers. The female staff all h..." - says bennyhillslovechild
Accidental innuendo (1062 stories) - "Teacher gets owned by a 12 year old Unfortunately the teacher was me.
A couple of years back I was teaching in a rather deprived area to say the leas..." - says knackerz
What's the hardest you've tried to get dumped? (321 stories) - "Three years. Before the nutcase mentioned in a previous QOTW (http://www.b3ta.com/questions/stalked/post119130 for the fun and hilarity) there was... ..." - says Matoosh
Public Transport Trauma (494 stories) - "I am posting this for the Chav on the 163 Last year, during the Rugby world cup, I was on my local bus going to the pub to watch the England match. On..." - says KISS.ME.WHERE.I.POO
I Quit! (374 stories) - "Pretend suicide Now this turned out harsher than I expected, but seemed a cracking idea at the time.
I was young, hacked off, and as young and hack..." - says gibbleh
This book changed my life (678 stories) - "The big book of mischief The below happened when three or four months before my 16th Birthday.
It must of taken at least an hour to download the tx..." - says KISS.ME.WHERE.I.POO
My most treasured possession (508 stories) - "my trunk It's an old wooden trunk of the kind taken to sea by sailors of yore. I keep it at the foot of my bed and it's stashed with a lifetime of cur..." - says frankspencer
Pet Peeves (1300 stories) - "Here's some actual stuff There are several issues I would like to address but I don’t have strong enough views on them each to fill a post and make it..." - says MJPerry
When Animals Attack (771 stories) - "The Attack of the Unimaginative Repeating Twat-Sloth ....
Bastard thing has struck 4 times this year so far...
I never usually stoop to this..." - says Humpty Dumpty was Pushed
Kids (818 stories) - "I have little day to day contact with children but one instance that does stick in the mind happened a few months ago.
I was at my desk wading thr..." - says Leonard Hatred
Phobias (1082 stories) - "The smell of baby oil gives me the shivers And if you want the story why...
(It is a repost, but the QOTW ain't exactly thrilling my cotton socks o..." - says Pavlov's Frog
DIY disasters (356 stories) - "Expandy Foam, Part II After my exciting tale of foam-based trouble, www.b3ta.com/questions/diy/post137148 comes this story of woe.
A friend of mine..." - says Cawl
Shit Stories: Part Number Two (618 stories) - "Glycerol Explosions If there's ever a question that calls for TMI, this is it.
Normally, I'm a reasonably regular kind of guy. No problems down the..." - says calamarain
Your first cigarette (503 stories) - "Ending The Smoking Debate If, like me, you're a staunch non-smoker tired of hearing the (unprompted) rantings of smokers over their right to smoke, do..." - says Orin
Guilty Pleasures, part 2 (730 stories) - "running up the stairs using my hands as well as my feet
LOVE IT!!" - says zulu
How nerdy are you? (767 stories) - "Time To Grow Up And Get Married I could bore you all with thrilling tails of BBC Micro programming, mobile phone USSD commands, obscure Mornington Cre..." - says terryeden
Have you ever seen a dead body? (475 stories) - "official morbid question Chill-Out Tent Click 'I like this' if the question's done your head in, man, and you just want to look at pictures of kittens..." - says apeloverage
Karma (370 stories) - "greed One Christmas I was investigating the fridge when I discovered a huge bowl of brandy butter.
I was about to reap the rewards of my find, when..." - says browser
I witnessed a crime (514 stories) - "Not my story... ...but one of my favourites.
Many years ago, some of my friends used to do the rubber-sword live action RP - dressing up as orcs an..." - says davywavy
Mix Tapes (442 stories) - "No woman, no cry
/pop/un-lurks.
Hi there, I’ve been lurking almost a year now, trying to get up the bottle to post my one and only story worth te..." - says A Bean Countin' Man
Stalked (334 stories) - "My tale, and the guilt that follows My first ever b3ta post, after I registered specifically so I could tell this tale.
I was once a stalker and it..." - says TalkbackStuck
Bastard Colleagues (466 stories) - "Directors and Managers are by far the worst. This is simply a rant about directors and managers who think themselves higher than royalty, higher than ..." - says Miggyman
Hotel Splendido (382 stories) - "Scotland?! I've just remembered this Many moons ago I had to go to the Isle of Bute in the wintertime for a very boring acoustic survey of a cheese fa..." - says Captain Placid
Shoplifting (486 stories) - "Shoplift... Storeslift.. its all the same Sport. Worked in engineering stores of a West Sussex based airline, they go belly up owing me a months wages..." - says Eeeza bit Tidy
Cheap Tat (469 stories) - "My dutch bike I spent part of my university years at the Universiteit Leiden, in Holland. Now Holland is even bigger on bikes than Oxford or Cambridge..." - says Powerpuff Boy
Dumb things you've done (782 stories) - "Some people shouldn't be allowed to teach This was recalled by someone much earlier telling tales of scientists doing stupid things.
For my sins, I..." - says ousgg
Evil Pranks (566 stories) - "The Game About 5 years ago, I was entrusted with the task of looking after my sister's cats over the new year while she and her boyfriend spent a mont..." - says roidoid
Accidental animal cruelty (618 stories) - "Bimbo and the bowl. This story concerns two friends of my parents; Nick and Jill.
Nick is a good humoured guy of great patience. Jill is extremely ..." - says Generator
Pathological Liars (551 stories) - "Seats on the Tube First some background.
A few years ago, I came off my motorbike and ripped a chunk out of my knee. All superficial damage, but ..." - says Kaer
Political Correctness Gone Mad (643 stories) - "My Son's Dog. A couple of years ago I got my son, who was six at the time, a dog. I’d read something about children who get brought up with pets being..." - says spangledonkey
Desperate Times (367 stories) - "I'm just a two bit whore... Regular QOTWeekers will notice a common theme in many of my postings. That being that I am monumentally, catastrophically ..." - says Rakky (forgot her password)
Abusing freebies (387 stories) - "Wet Snacks Long time listener, first time caller.
I was DJing at a wedding a number of years back in a very small town in Scotland, about 2 miles f..." - says Cheeses of Nazareth
Stupid Dares (326 stories) - "This one's from a while ago. I was on the pool team. We were fairly rubbish, but had bonded well, and spent a fair few hours in the pub together. Wh..." - says Occulus
Expensive Mistakes (338 stories) - "I.T. is a minefield for expensive mistakes There's so many different ways to screw up. The best you can hope for in a support role is to be invisible...." - says cunt cat
Conned (469 stories) - "Did I win or not? Picture the scene…
Bristol Temple Meads station, wino-smack head approaches and says, 'Mate, I'm short of my train fare home, can..." - says Mullered
Voyeurism (395 stories) - "Recently I saw a fat, hairy, odd-looking man wanking whilst watching me when I was naked in the bathroom.
.
.
.
Oh, it was a mirror." - says sir_spicious2000
Insults (1474 stories) - "The B3ta Guide to sweary Insults 101 Right then children, are we sitting comfortably? Good, then I’ll begin. The general tried and trusted insult ty..." - says Pooflake
The Dirty Secrets of Your Trade (688 stories) - "I murdered a director I used to work for a company that was run by academics. Marketing types would ring speculatively and, being academics, they hate..." - says Jugular
Being told off as an adult (453 stories) - "Act of God! We live on a cul-de-sac on a typical 60's housing estate, it's a great place to live, the dozen or so kids are not glue sniffing ASBO's, a..." - says turtles head is touching cloth
Personal Ads (786 stories) - "Match.com I wanted to use the Kasey Chambers song title (yes, I know!) "If I were you, I would notice me" as my headline.
It cut me off, so hotties..." - says setimret
Too much information (439 stories) - "Ahh, festival bogs T'was the summer of 1999, and my first ever Leeds Festival was in full swing. It was ace lazing around, watching bands, getting sh..." - says Droog
Guilty Secrets (538 stories) - "I ruined a kids day trip As an experienced traveller of buses, I feel that I have gained a invaluable insight into the problems of public transport. T..." - says Furness
Sleepwalking (848 stories) - "Got a great one I woke up to hear some stranger noises coming from downstairs at an old girlfriend's place.
I went halfway down the stairs to find..." - says Donkey Punch
Terrible Parenting (602 stories) - "Dont fuck with lawyers My dad is a partner in a smallish law firm. He loves nothing better than annoying people and suppliers who piss him off, nothin..." - says I have run out of coke
Why should you be fired from your job? (357 stories) - "Repost (so don't bother clicking "I like this"), but it did well last time so enjoy... I should have been fired (or at least disciplined).
5 years ..." - says Colonel Dracula
Family Holidays (280 stories) - "Dad's cock We were early teens when my folks took me and my brother to Las Vegas on holiday. Obviously being too young for cocktails and bankruptcy at..." - says R. Jimlad
Council Cunts (451 stories) - "Have you been trapped in the relentless petty minded bureaucracy of your local council? No, but these council workers will soon realise they have been..." - says turtles head is touching cloth
I Drank Meths (pointless teenage things you did to shock) (354 stories) - ""I bet you won't" "Really? I bet I will!"
*****************************
Two friends and I were in the woods, as usual shooting bunnies for the l..." - says Humpty Dumpty was Pushed
* PFFT * (549 stories) - "Gurning out a rectal-puff in a supermarket is not big, nor clever, yet quite amusing. I was strolling through Tescos with my trolly and suddenly I fel..." - says Captn Hood-Butter
Crazy Relatives (487 stories) - "the adorable sweetness of my granddad's brainwrongness My granddad used to leave pudding out in the garden.
Slightly mental in itself, of course. ..." - says Confused, would we?
Why I was late (438 stories) - "Oktoberfest From: $Manager
Sent: Donnerstag, 28. September 2006 12:29
To: REC
Subject: Re: Where are you?!
REC, its already noon and you have no..." - says ReallyEvilCanine
What's the most horrific thing you've seen? (609 stories) - "Oh dear lord, dear lord above This is a story from my dad, and it is so gruesome it gives me an instant headache and the cold shivers whenever I think..." - says Derek Acorah's Spirit Guide Sam
The worst sex I ever had (530 stories) - "Fishy Mimsy.. and absoloutly NOT for the reason you'd expect... Despite having slept with terrible shags, potato-sack stylee lovers, people who raked ..." - says Humpty Dumpty was Pushed
Pet Stories (548 stories) - "My cat Leonard He's got to be in with a shout of being the best cat ever.
Shortly after moving into our house in 2000, Ex-Mrs PJM and I decided t..." - says PJM
Mistaken Identity (594 stories) - "Mistaken Identity I was once at a foam party at a club in Leeds. As the foam got thicker I wondered drukardly further into the depths to see if I coul..." - says Furness
And that's the thanks I got (230 stories) - "I should have put the phone down... I am sorry to all those saddled with mad bosses, and rubbish jobs. Mine is great. I'm on the radio. No I really am..." - says rockers74
Terrible food (599 stories) - "Badger badger badger, mushroom mushroom! This is one of the most horrible stories I have ever heard. It features, as you can guess, Students and Badge..." - says 71 hour Ahmed
Work Experience (369 stories) - "Seven days make one weak... From the bowels of Lincolnshire, I was the only person in my school year to get work experience down in London. Everyone w..." - says jangle
Best Graffiti Ever (1374 stories) - "Street signs! Recontextualising such a common fixture as a street sign has a huge effect. It is simultaneously inconspicuous and memorable.
I w..." - says Random Ferret
Well, that taught 'em (401 stories) - "Every week... ...I read QOTW and find pages of bloody awful puns by apeloverage.
So I clicked "Ignore"
That certainly taught him!
*cough* I ..." - says Scaryduck
We have to talk (351 stories) - "They fuck me up, his mum and dad... I'd been going out with my then boyfriend for nearly a year. Two days after both going out to Israel to start our..." - says Hampster Squared
Mad Stuff You've Done To Get Someone To Sleep With You (415 stories) - "I'll let you into a little secret. You know that fit bird on the dancefloor you’d die to knob? She's spent hours slimming, toning, waxing, plucking, b..." - says no way hose
Housemates from hell (374 stories) - ":( Caught wanking by sexy female flatmate over a picture of herself (Procuring it is another story indeed, let it be said it involved copius consumpti..." - says Alexxx
Childhood Ambitions (416 stories) - "Comedy Gold I had all the usual ambitions as a child; footballer, astronaut, milkshake tester, professional strip poker player, being Mr. T, sex pest,..." - says Gleeballs
Personal Hygiene (573 stories) - "Me tits hurt I have one for you all. A mate of mine is a real, honest-to-dog doctor. At the beginning of his career, he acted as a locum doctor in G..." - says lustfish
Cross Dressing (329 stories) - "The things kids say... I was obliged to escort a young cousin about town one day. The little lad was from the countryside and had led a very sheltere..." - says frankspencer
Strict Parents (476 stories) - "Jesus, where do I start? My parents were horrid, truly horrid. One example is when I had left school at 16 and before I started college in September ..." - says different_maybe
Picky Eaters (843 stories) - "Mince I used to work with a guy. Lenny. I’m not saying he was tight but . . . duck’s posterior doesn’t do him justice. Single, never married, as rich..." - says SalRossi
When were you last really scared? (477 stories) - "the shame At uni we did this:
Grabbed a mate from behind and put a sack over his head, and tied him up. He had no idea who we were. We were very ag..." - says I have run out of coke
Ripped Off (496 stories) - "Divorce Lawyers..... I'm sure I can't be the only one with a story like this:
I'm in the midst of getting divorced. It's all amicable, we've agreed..." - says Sammyhaswoefullyneglectedyou
Spoooky Coincidence (515 stories) - "Car-incidence Friend of my mum's, called Cassie (so not me, but it's such a freakishly coincidental coincidence it quite frankly terrifies me)
Long..." - says Derek Acorah's Spirit Guide Sam
Other people's diaries (310 stories) - "My Brother Myself and my brother never got on. Hate each other with a passion, and still do.
So that's why I came up with this little bit of cruel..." - says Kaer
My first experience of porn (454 stories) - "Operation: Buy Porn Buying porn mags from newsagents was one of the scariest things a young man had to go through. You internet-generation kids will n..." - says SqueakyG
The Weird Kid In Class (526 stories) - "From my mate Alex
I'd like to tell you about a childhood friend of mine, who upon reflection was very strange, but at the time was the best friend a..." - says Donkey Punch
My Collection (439 stories) - "Hmmmmmmm... Nescafe
As a kid, my brother once tried collecting his farts. He approached the whole business quite scientifically; for a maladjusted..." - says geegee
Failed (388 stories) - "failed commando Story from the old man.
Apparently aged 14 and out with his school on a camping trip. The man in charge is their ex-army PE instruc..." - says Darth Vegas
Where is the strangest place you have slept? (526 stories) - "On a very large pile of lego there's nothing quite like waking up, half drunk, half hungover, looking in the mirror and seeing the word ogel imprinted..." - says Monkeysex
Secret Santa (246 stories) - "OK. One more time ... There's a girl in my office who's been flirting with me for weeks. It started with smiles, then progressed to tight blouses, t..." - says frankspencer
School Trips (457 stories) - "Please, Miss! You're on my cock! It was a geography trip to a local forest to show us how deciduous trees grow, or some such shite. The only good th..." - says frankspencer
Body Mods (303 stories) - "I used to be into Black Metal My name back then was "Doom Master" (changed by deed poll) and I was completely committed to Darkness. That's why I did..." - says frankspencer
Debt pron (393 stories) - "free money This post is quite apt for this qotw.
All these banks who charge £30 for going £5 over your limit are not allowed to do it. Ask for it b..." - says daveshane
Beautiful but Bonkers (344 stories) - "Where do you start?! We’ll call her Beautiful Bob, The relationship started off really well, I was doing 2 jobs 1 being the local IT guy for all the y..." - says Kip
Going Too Far (449 stories) - "i'm going to hell. have just stagered gome af sast as i can from party
still very drunk
it's 1:16 am here.
have just shagged my mate's girlfriend o..." - says Humpty Dumpty was Pushed
Dentists (382 stories) - "A Riposte
I am a dentist and I feel that a response to some of your tales (some of which sound rather overly elaborated) is required;
1) Many o..." - says Calfderno
Not Losing Your Virginity (300 stories) - "My first love Lucy and I were inseparable. We used to go for long walks together and I'd spend hours stroking her back, which she loved. She was absol..." - says Beve The Spaniard
Useless advice (591 stories) - "....mmmm creamy On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - "WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?"" - says Darth Vegas
Road Rage (490 stories) - "JUST got off the phone to my Dad He was in Jewsons (the builders' merchant) when some spastic in a massive pickup (a new Mitsubishi Warrior, in immac..." - says Grrrmachine
My Greatest Regrets (427 stories) - "I thought it was a fart. It wasn't." - says Monkey the Chicken
Inappropriate crushes (568 stories) - "Ahem.. Speaking from my very own mouth, I can tell you that I’m quite the heterosexual man. I love women. I love their bodies. I love kissing women on..." - says The Horizontal Monster Mash
Oldies vs Computers (341 stories) - "we aren't all computer geeks and this is the geekiest most pointless urban legend producing geekfest ever (God alone knows what fucking Legless The Ma..." - says disasterprone
Unexpected Good Fortune (324 stories) - "Well, I was surprised, anyhow I went on an date with someone I'd been chatting to on an internet dating thing - and found Mrs. God. We're still happi..." - says purplegod
The Worst Journey in the World (382 stories) - "Virgin Sorry folks. Long story coming………
A while back I used to live in Manchester but work in London so it meant a weekly commute down to the smok..." - says Legless
Barred (313 stories) - "Free CD bonanza A bit of a geeky one this… I'm still (6 years on) barred from buying anything from Amazon.co.uk, when I enter my address it mysterious..." - says Son of Sam-i-am
DIY fashion (275 stories) - "not so much a fashion disaster As something really cool, but only to people who are themselves fashion disasters.
" - says apeloverage
Apparently I'm a sex offender (303 stories) - "This still makes me cringe I was drunk on a train from Waterloo, and there were a couple of women opposite me that were clearly partners. One was a lo..." - says browser
Running away (197 stories) - "I don't want the navy treatment My dad was in the navy and was quite strict with me and my brothers (mainly because we were a bunch of hyperactive sod..." - says Squirter
Encounters with Royalty (328 stories) - "Prince William stole my job I had just finished a Masters course & was desperate to get work experience on a research project called Shoals of Caprico..." - says daytripper
Intense Friendships (150 stories) - "Tokyo
Just remembered this one. It's too funny not to share.
I've had a fair few "best mates" over the years but one of the greatest was "Millage..." - says Legless
Restaurants, Kitchens and Bars... Oh my! (279 stories) - "I used to work at McDonalds And if customers pissed me off, I'd give them the items on the menu that they'd ordered." - says apeloverage
I hurt my rude bits (452 stories) - "Y-front Kerplunk... Years back when my kid bro was 3 or 4, he had the great idea of seeing just how many marbles he could fit in his pants. Dunno wha..." - says tinpixel
Lies I told on my CV (189 stories) - "CVs! I occasionally have to do the technical interviews for people who want to come and work with whatever company I'm at so I see a lot of CVs.
Sa..." - says Legless
Rock and Roll Stories (360 stories) - "You either love him or hate him... Yes, I have been in a band but never really had any truly “Rock and Roll” experiences (apart from a Derek Smalls in..." - says Mr Evian
The most cash I've ever carried (297 stories) - "Last week... ...I went out with a big wad of Euros to buy eleven French impressionist paintings that I'd wanted for a long time. Afterwards, I notice..." - says Olembe
Mugged (360 stories) - "don't mug yourself I work in Hackney. This place is where good muggers go when they die. Too many stories.
The best was when I was waiting for a bu..." - says sadler
Awesome Sickies (302 stories) - "Reverse Sickies Last time I wanted a sickie, I was actually SICK...! Start of a bad headache and I tells wifey - "Shit, don't feel good. Head is pound..." - says Sir Jester
Missing body parts (340 stories) - "My frontal lobe No not that one you filthy minded cretins, the rather important part of your brain.
Back when I still lived with my mum, I was sitt..." - says Bellamy's Enemy
Never Meet Your Heroes (511 stories) - "I had tea with that Brian Blessed once…. About 15 years ago my mate Bruce and I had a mutual friend who knew Brian Blessed’s daughter (Rosalind) and f..." - says Diddster
Worst Nicknames Ever (954 stories) - "Sticks and stones (and coathangers) It was pointed out by a "friend" a couple of years back that I look like a foetus (small features, big forehead.) ..." - says jennymnemonic
Putting the Fun in Funeral (357 stories) - "Dad had died... his coffin was brought back to the house... ... so people could pay their last respects.
During the last weeks as he was sedated b..." - says Error 404 - Username Unknown
Ignoring Instructions (389 stories) - "Do not click 'I like this!' " - says Frightguy
Crap meals out (402 stories) - "Every sodding family meal since the age of six... ...my Dad feels the compelling need to trot out his array of "hilarious" restaurant jokes.
Someon..." - says R. Jimlad
Messing with the Dark Side (326 stories) - "Adramelech! When I was about 11, I borrowed a book from the local library called 'The Devils of D-Day' - a book on how the allies called upon supernat..." - says squirrels emit silent screams
Teenage Parties (404 stories) - "not too exciting had a party, people found the dress up box (you heard), it was awesome.
on the downside, friends drunk my dads beer and opened £20 b..." - says woo who?
Heckles (582 stories) - "Not mine. A friend of mine went to a Comedy club in Birmingham somewhere. A drunk bloke at the front kept interrupting the stand-up turn who was appar..." - says Rotating Wobbly Hat
School Sports Day (292 stories) - "third leg Remember the three-legged race?
Aged about 15 I got tied to the best looking girl in the year for an inter-school sports day. She gave me..." - says Boss Killer
In the Army Now - The joy of the Armed Forces (276 stories) - "Please remind yourselves that i was 14 and it was cadets. Drill Instructor - Get up the rope!
Me. - Sir, i cannot get up the rope, Sir!
Drill In..." - says I'm a schmuck, i did a schmucky thing.
I met a weirdo on the interweb (248 stories) - "Looking to find other musicians I used to have a few songs up on MP3.com - way back in 1999.
A couple of years later I was still getting emails thr..." - says Seebeedee
School fights (421 stories) - "Full Beanbag Jacket
Picture the scene:
A quiet little borough of South London, and an equally quiet junior school, whose crowning achievement was..." - says Danage
Airport Stories (353 stories) - "I was traumatised for life Last year In an act of desperation I took a contract job in Saudi Arabia. After hearing all sorts of rumours I was pretty w..." - says Mong The Merciless
Sacked (306 stories) - "i was sacked for being a shit, but a proud one I used to work for a chain of pubs, Yates, and basically was a pump jockey for a couple of weeks until ..." - says lunus
Child Labour (271 stories) - "We wish you a merry pissmas A few of us tykes used to go carol singing round our council estate each December. Lots of very nice people gave us sweets..." - says Soapy Norris
My computer gave away my secrets (280 stories) - "Apologies to my 12-year-old nephew On google autocomplete whilst on his computer:
billy and mandy rude pics
bitch
boner
boobs
breists
cock
co..." - says Naive Amoeba
Accidentally Erotic (416 stories) - "Preliminary Oral Exams for my PhD VERY stressful! I studied for months. I was to go before six full professors who would decide if I was good enough..." - says setimret
Join us... come join the cult (207 stories) - "What a question... Yes I've been part of a cult. I may as well tell you the story from the top.
Cast your minds back to a time when you were 18, j..." - says jim_bob
Have you ever paid for sex? (263 stories) - "Well, I Suppose Yes... A few years ago a bunch of Mancs and me, the token Geordie went over to Amsterdam for a mates Stag Night. We had a cracking wee..." - says Legless
Fancy Dress (303 stories) - "This year I dressed as ...
Or here if that image is blocked." - says chobb
Urban Legends (523 stories) - "I Didn't Have The Foggiest! I have relatives who live in Blackpool and so have visited the lovely (charvery) place many, many times throughout my life..." - says Gleeballs
Panic Buying (153 stories) - "Two years ago, my dad called to say he and my mum were 'popping round' as she really wated to see me on her birthday and I "hadn't bothered" to call i..." - says grey kid
It's not me, it's the drugs talking (529 stories) - "At Leeds festival a couple of years ago we were standing towards the back of the crowd, watching The Strokes. I say 'watching'; I couldn't really see ..." - says grey kid
Birthdays (223 stories) - "19th birthday Had my 19th birthday while I was at Keele University and, by a happy coincidence, the same day there was a bash on at the student union ..." - says calibrax
On the stage (245 stories) - "Aged 15, a 600-strong audience of peers, and a trombone Solo. Put yourself in my position. Here's a moment from my past.
Imagine for one moment tha..." - says Humpty Dumpty was Pushed
Shame (460 stories) - "Paying The Bill My most shameful moment, without a shadow of a doubt, occurred roughly ten years ago. To cut a massive story slightly shorter, growing..." - says Gleeballs
Cheating cheaty cheats (268 stories) - "Once, on a long train journey ... my brother and I were playing Travel Guess Who. During a particuarly competitive round I felt a tap-tap-tapping on m..." - says Newton Crosby
Your Weirdest Teacher (604 stories) - "wales v england it's not wierd, but it deserves an honourable mention...
Two English teachers, one specialising in Language, the other Literature. ..." - says niceandwarmandhot
Fire! (453 stories) - "flaming bosoms never try and ignite a dodgy hob whilst wearing a dressing gown.
fancying a breakfast fry-up, I turned on the gas, pushed the ignit..." - says biscuitbiscuit
Essential Items (441 stories) - "Lucky Silver Dollar I was given an American Silver dollar by my dad when i was young. I carry it with me everywhere. When i was in Baghdad a couple of..." - says Thursday Sugar Bowl
My first love (305 stories) - "It's another true love story (well it's TRUE at least) OK, so most people put this at the end, but Apologies for length - here goes:
She was just a..." - says Amos E Wolfe
The passive-aggressive guilt trip (165 stories) - "Don't trouble yourselves clicking 'I Like This!' I've decided I don't want to win this week's question so don't bother voting for me. Sure it would be..." - says Gleeballs
Misunderstood (331 stories) - "I apologise and assure you I will no longer submit long, nonsensical answers In the light of last week's QOTW, in which several b3tans took the opport..." - says stusut79
Pretentious bollocks (411 stories) - "pix anything in a photographic gallery with a couple of hundred words of bollocks underneath, inevitably including the word "semiotics" ... woo, 3rd
..." - says writerblock
The Police (348 stories) - "the price of death i was merrily cycling my way to my first job, in the pitch dark at 4 in the morning.
whilst darting off the pavement i cut up jam ..." - says furey
Posh (410 stories) - "I carry pictures of the queen in my pocket every day, and get this, some of the pictures are on metal.
I often also tend to hand these out to youn..." - says Chance1234
Take my Mother-in-law... (219 stories) - "I wish she was mine!!! I'm not allowed to have a mother-in-law on account of me being 'an horrific bender(tm)' so instead I can only tell you about my..." - says Gleeballs
Toilets (558 stories) - "Barium Shits. Years ago I was diagnosed with a stomach ulcer and had to go for hospital for tests, the main one being a Barium Meal.
Now this is a ..." - says Legless
Scary Neighbours (400 stories) - "Student Neighbours
A long, long time ago in a galaxy, far, far away.
I was living in Manchester and having an absolute whale of a time. It was du..." - says Legless
Injured Siblings (425 stories) - "I confess... When I was seven years of age, I used to beg my mother for a little brother or sister. My main reason, at the time, was that I desperatel..." - says stusut79
Teenage Poetry (407 stories) - "Not My Pancreas Why, oh why, oh why
Do the girls not talk to me?
Is it my ears? They droop. The lobes are prominent
Like bulbous, fleshy eardogs...." - says stusut79
Crappy Prizes (393 stories) - "Grab A Grot Me and my sidekick, Denty, used to often go out on the pull in Manchester. When I say often I mean every night except Thursdays and Sunday..." - says Legless
Weird Traditions (542 stories) - "Weird tradition of mine Every time I see a herd of cows I always say to whoever is with me "look a flock of cows" and await the response of "herd of c..." - says creeper
That's when I knew it was over... (390 stories) - "that's when it SHOULD have been over... ... if i had any sense.
those of you who bother to read the drivel i post on here will know that i am on-ag..." - says rachelswipe
Weddings (299 stories) - "This image is still burned onto my retinas....
Mate of mine was marrying his lovely Italian girlfriend in her home country. Her folks were very devo..." - says scunny delight
Stupid Tourists (804 stories) - "Overheard in dublin: Two lost overweight North Americans wandering O'Connell Street looking for somewhere on the southside, looking confused.
Wife..." - says WhoElse
Hidden Treasure (395 stories) - "Found in my attic a very nice aluminium baseball bat which has been waved at the local chavs to keep them in line from time to time.
I left some tr..." - says boltneck
I'm an expert (548 stories) - "i quite good at typing the letter T,
for example:
TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
TTTT..." - says tyler198125
Now, there was no need for that... (317 stories) - "Bloody animals... I had just split up with my boyfriend of 4 years. Even though it was the right thing to do, it was quite traumatic. Having had 'th..." - says clapper
I was drunk when I bought this (376 stories) - "*sigh* I bought a swede for 3p from my local tesco express on my way home from an afternoon session. Then I drew a face on it. Then I wrote "steve the..." - says TopUpTheTea
When animals attack... (609 stories) - "I used to come home from work most nights and find my flatmate playing Quake 2 on the PC in my bedroom. As these were generally clan matches I would n..." - says Jay
The Onosecond (385 stories) - "Spoofing SMS Not a lot of people know how to do this so I'll share.
A couple of years ago I was involved in a start-up company (alright, I owned th..." - says Legless
When I met the parents (379 stories) - "1st time I met my girlfriend's parents there was a barrage of intense questioning within seconds of arriving
"Have you slept with Julie yet?"
"Do ..." - says Zak McFlimby
Jobsworths (430 stories) - "Reading Rock In the early 80's I used to attend the Reading Rock Festival every year. It used to be the highlight of my year, a week of stoned pissed ..." - says Legless
Petty Sabotage (608 stories) - "Not me, but a school friend of my dad's.... Back in the 50's during my dad's school days there was no such thing as borstal and ASBO's and japery was ..." - says TooMuch2AM
How I Skive Off Work (389 stories) - "i like to.. click my own 'i like this' button all day
when i appear on the final 'top' page, i like to think its cos i'm witty and have friends
..." - says 5lab
It was a great holiday, but... (318 stories) - "Dad's cock We were early teens when my folks took me and my brother to Las Vegas on holiday. Obviously being too young for cocktails and bankruptcy at..." - says R. Jimlad
The last thing that made me cry (602 stories) - "Dyslecsia I have a lot of problems due to my dyslexia, such as reading things. But I was close to tears when I found out Popeye had died last week. Lu..." - says RandomTwat
Guilty Pleasures (737 stories) - "Utterly Childish and Pointless I take great joy in bumping into people who wear camouflage gear - t-shirts, caps, trousers etc, and then apologising t..." - says Strangey
I just don't get it (883 stories) - "Toast My mother was useless in the kitchen.
When I was about 10, I honestly thought you made toast by putting it under the grill until it turns bla..." - says Legless
Walkman Flashbacks (414 stories) - "Relax by Frankie Goes To Hollywood always makes me cringe I used to have very long hair, half way down my back. On my 35th birthday, my missus said sh..." - says peewee13
Useless Information (1217 stories) - "Wearing out the b3ta website Clicking the "I like this" link below ten times in a row makes the b3ta website show a secret message about wear and tear..." - says Fr_Jerry_McGwier
Beautiful Moments (449 stories) - "It was a beautiful, crisp morning in a camp-site near Rothbury, Northumberland. I awoke to the sound of birds singing and the invigorating feeling of ..." - says Zak McFlimby
Losing Your Virginity (402 stories) - "First time, brown wings and firearms My old University mate Doug lost his cherry to a girl he had met in his local while his parents were on holiday.
..." - says Catchag
Claims to Fame (830 stories) - "The Bill Until recently and for my sins I used to watch the Bill on ITV with my wife every week.
In 2003 they introduced this a new WPC into the seri..." - says Catchag
Little things that turn you on (633 stories) - "I find it really nice when people click my "I Like This!" button.
Prr." - says Malchickles
Look! It's me in the Local Paper (262 stories) - "I suppose this should go in really!
:o)" - says The Boy T
Scars with history (530 stories) - "Wanking Nightmare. I posted this months ago... I now re-post with more scar detail.
I never realised that the 'cock rings' that I regularly saw in ..." - says Humpty Dumpty was Pushed
Singing the wrong words (667 stories) - "Clarkie's Gay Beatles Songs My mate Clarkie has devoted many childishly wonderful hours to altering the titles of Beatles songs so that they're, well,..." - says BobbyParadise
Job Interviews (313 stories) - "Hemipenis! Twas applying for a desk job once, and the interviewer was a good sort, nice sense of humour.
Interviewer: What animal would you like to..." - says DarkLite
Black Sheep (162 stories) - "black sheep It should really be my sister since it came out last year that she had starred in some amateur hardcore videos..
However, it turns out ..." - says Aleister Crowleys Badger
Pure Ignorance (1043 stories) - "Chat up lines My flatmate's bosses son came to stay with us in Bermondsey, South London - he was an 18 year old from Los Angeles. He was unbelievably ..." - says browser
My Christmas Nightmare (127 stories) - "True but tasteless paramedic humor... Was near the end of a ten-hour shift last Christmas Day and was all ready to head home to unwrap pressies with t..." - says emadex
Office Christmas Parties (240 stories) - "Humbug I use to write porn for a 24 hour text message service. I'm a man, but I'd pretend very convincingly to be a woman as I replied to men paying p..." - says pb4ugo2bed
Childhood bad taste (387 stories) - "LEGO: Rantus Maximus. The bastards... Everywhere I go I see lego sets with "special shapes" and Specificly shaped parts.... model "technic lego" cars ..." - says Humpty Dumpty was Pushed
Lost... (297 stories) - "Doh... I once found a £20 quid note on the floor of a bar next to my feet...in my glee i treated everyone to a round of lovely cocktails. Only when i..." - says Smartie
Near Death Experiences (353 stories) - "Grenade! My mate Jez went to Spain on his holidays. Instead of bringing back a fluffy donkey in a sombrero, he brought back a Civil War surplus German..." - says Scaryduck
Premonitions (318 stories) - "My good how odd Well i had this dream where I was typing on my keyboard for this amusing forum and my house blew up and then I fo" - says stefd
You're a moviestar baby (406 stories) - "gay, but not in a happy way. Last week, those two gay Scottish interior designers were filming in the house across the road from my flat. They were fi..." - says Jeeves
Obscure Memorabilia (422 stories) - "You know you're getting old when you're too slow to post your reply to the latest question of the week" - says born sleepy
Evidence that you're getting old (627 stories) - "/unlurks 1. 6:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
2. Having sex in a single bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in th..." - says Grey Triggerfish
My Worst Date (270 stories) - "Argh, the memories!! =( I remember in my first year of college, I got my first proper boyfriend. On the start of the second week I was brought to meet..." - says owain2002
Out of my depth (235 stories) - "More Military Humiliation To "boost" morale for the troops stationed in the middle of the desert with a ratio of 6,000 men to 1 woman, the Commanding ..." - says Igneous
Things you've done when you've had no money. (225 stories) - "It's a good thing none of you know who I am No money? A girl? (Or not so finicky boy?) Simple! Blow jobs. They're fast, easy, no mess if you dodge ..." - says TDub
Strange things you've been paid to do (248 stories) - "rats! ooh and my animal loving flatmate was most excited to be given the job of looking after the university rats at kcl.
she came home in tears t..." - says rachelswipe
Shoddy Presents (333 stories) - "Sent, not received My family lived in France for 4 years before returning to Scotland, so we would keep in touch with our french friends through the o..." - says Flurble
Local Nutters (568 stories) - "The Cowboy I went to uni at Wolverhampton, and there was a bloke who wandered around in a full cowboy outfit (big hat, leather chaps, waistcoat, guns,..." - says Zak McFlimby
World's Sickest Joke (2375 stories) - "I offended someone with this: I was in a pub and told the following joke:
What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?
Throw your cloth..." - says <>Dog
Embarrassing Injuries (442 stories) - "Arse Rip I was a first year university student at Derby university, England, when this happened. Me and three mates were enjoying a bright sunny afte..." - says bobba
People with Stupid Names (825 stories) - "I once met a guy whose name sounded very much like a rather rude part of the human body, but I can't for the life of me remember what it was. Rest ass..." - says TV's Nosemonkey
My Worst Vomit (502 stories) - "Nobody vomits like a kid vomits..... About five years ago, our eldest daughter - who was about two at the time - came toddling into the living room lo..." - says Desolation Angel
World's Most Hated Food (678 stories) - "I live in Sweden..... ... and it pains me to tell you this, but I have eaten "SurStrömming".
Sprouts are like cadbury's chocolate... and Smoked Eel (..." - says Humpty Dumpty was Pushed
Have you ever been dumped in a spectacular way? (213 stories) - "woof My friend had been shagging a girl for a couple of weeks on and off & naturally we were all keen to meet/assess her (see how many teeth she had m..." - says AJ_23
Stuff You've Overheard (361 stories) - "Some More Bus Fun... It was two years ago on the 'park and ride' bus coming back from college in the evening. I had wisely decided to sit at the back,..." - says damndirtyape
My Wanking Disasters (334 stories) - "Working in Tesco's a few years back, there was a particularly 'special' trolley boy named Sean. He was 34 and had been working as trolley boy for abou..." - says AJ_23
Mini Cabs From Hell (168 stories) - "Small blue tablets and a red Ferrari: Where the hell was I?
Somewhere in the north I think. OK, imagine the cabbie is a northerner:
Cabbie: "Do ..." - says Your Mum
Your Greatest Dilemmas (107 stories) - "Dear Tania, I think my friend Rob is on crack. He's asked b3tans to write questions to you and *not* take the piss. What signs should I look for, and ..." - says SpunkyBackpack
Your Revenge Stories (242 stories) - ". A few years ago my girlfriend dumped me via the phone.
I went to my room and cried and cried like a little girl.
That showed her." - says AJ_23
Shit Stories (500 stories) - "My cat once ate a 6 foot-long piece of red and green string, which it couldn't completely crap out. There i was, sitting in my living room, and my cat..." - says cheesemaster
Best Comebacks (398 stories) - "Below the belt! A friend of mine had an argument with his Dad.He called him an "old bastard".His Dad replied with"I would have sexually abused you as ..." - says chuffster
Foot in Mouth Syndrome (363 stories) - "Once on a medical work experience thing my group was being shown about autopsy procedure, Our cadaver for the day was a young lad in an orange anorak ..." - says The Doctor
Have you ever been rude to a celebrity? (288 stories) - "Stephen Hawking Not all that rude, not me, but still funny.
A few years ago at Oxford Uni, my housemate was given the task of looking after Stephen..." - says Goat Meat Syndicate
Inventions You're Too Lazy To Make (213 stories) - "Nuclear Wombles Womble eggs are injected with special radioactive waste and then left in prime locations (such as Iraq, Libya or France)
The Wombli..." - says ccc
Impromptu Games You Play (455 stories) - "Yes, but is it art? Got rather bored at an Art Deco exhibition my Mum took me along to at the V&A museum.
Started to play 'Yes, But Is It Art?'
..." - says microsaulxp
Booze Related Disasters (166 stories) - "have recalled a time while in final year of university - a friend and i decided that a first and last night out in the union was a good idea.
havin..." - says Anger...Pain...Fear...Aggression...Watercolours?
Old People Talk Bollocks (198 stories) - "My Grandma loudly & proudly sang... ... a full rendition of 'Ching Chong Chinaman' in a Thai restaurant once.
What made it more jaw-droppingly hor..." - says microsaulxp
Have you ever started a fire? (361 stories) - "Oh, dear god. When I was a student, I was at a party coming down from something or other when I muttered "what this place needs is a bit of mindless t..." - says sp3ccylad
Pet Names (381 stories) - "Hitler, Wiggy, and LazyPigBoy were the names of my 3 mutant Harvest Mice.
They were sisters, and each had only one eye (rejects from a zoo-based bree..." - says Station
Slang Survey (692 stories) - "hmmm I heard somebody call an all girls school a "virgin megastore". made me larff. " - says MrGomez
Irrational Fears (572 stories) - "Firey nuclear destruction, as it happens I grew up in the 70s and 80s, living in fear of the four minute warning, literally a few miles from the UK’s ..." - says Scaryduck
Lies Your Parents Told You (707 stories) - "Speaking as a parent myself, and therefore lying through my teeth... My seven year old son pointed to the condom machine in the pub toilets and asked ..." - says Scaryduck
Breakin' The Law (231 stories) - "If you ever get the chance, do this: Myself and two mates were pulled over in car by local five O... nothing on us but we were a bit pissed off cos it..." - says No6
Clients Are Stupid (319 stories) - "Parents are stupid First post...blah blah blah
Last year my parents finally took the plunge and bought a computer to get on this t'internet that ev..." - says R. Jimlad
Dad Jokes (432 stories) - "whenever I annoy him he dances about, pointing at me and singing "I shagged your mum, I shagged your mum"." - says Zak McFlimby
Worst Record Ever (392 stories) - "Definately DJ Otzi "Hey Baby" mostly because I live in Newcastle next to the "party centre" that is the infamous Bigg Market, drunken idiots walk past..." - says fassit