You are not logged in. Login or Signup
Home » Question of the Week | Search

There are 6 open questions:

Homemade Booze (89 stories) - "I once had an idea that I brewed at home, it was for this to be this months question of the week And then I thought...shit Fly how stupid do you have…" - says SpanishFly
Top Tips (6739 stories) - "Baby please don't go. " - says Just a vagabond
Bugs and feature requests (1677 stories) - "We're going to need a bigger board " - says mr horrible
Image Challenge suggestions (5570 stories) - "If maths was cool. What movies about maths would there be? What pop songs etc?" - says monkeon
Question of the Week suggestions (7257 stories) - "Why isn't Yewtree looking at Russell Brand yet " - says baying cyber-mob
Off Topic (lots of topics) - "Are you a QOTWer? Do you want to start a thread that isn't a direct answer to the current QOTW? Then this place, gentle poster, is your friend."

Previous 549 questions:

More Terrible Hotels (92 stories) - "More terrifying than terrible. This is an absolutely true story. Half a lifetime ago I stayed with my wife at a family run hotel at Olivet near Orlean…" - says notoolsovernight
More nice things (42 stories) - "San Francisco Ten years ago, I was pretty much at rock bottom. My attempts at going for it by ditching my 9 to 5 job in IT and becoming an internat…" - says djlumpyrulesok
Weddings Part II (150 stories) - "Just remembered The only time I've been moved to tears by a bridal procession. I attended a wedding where all the bridesmaids were wearing backless dr…" - says browser
Control Freaks (59 stories) - "I went on a date with a guy and quite enjoyed it, plus he really fancied me and wanted to see me again, so I sent two short, friendly texts the follow…" - says Second Best Porcupine
Silly Achievements (121 stories) - "HP sauce In t'olden days when I wor a lad, the label on HP sauce bottles had a description of the contents written both in English and French. The Fr…" - says mallyjoe
Nepotism (62 stories) - "It's that vanilla, strawberry and chocolate ice cream in one tub right? " - says Pig Bodine.
Real Life Slapstick II (87 stories) - "I've never reposted so hard in my life I was walking home from shop when I saw my mate cycle past. I shouted and he looked round to see who it was. Ho…" - says sandettie light vessel automatic
Celebrations, anniversaries and milestones (101 stories) - "I turned 30 on my honeymoon with my wife in Lillehammer in Norway Why it had to be lillehammer is complex and doesn't really add to the story, so I'll…" - says cumquat may
Fears and Phobias (198 stories) - "Polish men's urine. Worked in a factory. With a Polish guy. Got invited to go to [insert name]ski's place for Friday drinks and then the pub. Warned o…" - says spl00sh!
Dates Gone Wrong (101 stories) - "Everything that could go wrong DID go wrong Let me take you back through the mists of time to 1992. I was still living in Essex, as someone had to do,…" - says kasterborous
Misheard and Misunderstood (112 stories) - "Party time I was horribly shy as a young teenager, particularly around girls. I must have been about 14 or 15 when I was in the hairdresser's, having …" - says Smale
Hitchhiking and fare dodging (81 stories) - "Guy I worked with used to keep falling asleep on the train home after too many shandies and waking up in Hastings, needing to get a taxi home. Nex…" - says SnowyTheWereRabbit
Shit Holidays (104 stories) - "It was all going so well. Venice. Girlfriend. Balmy weather. Delicious food in outdoor cafes. Romantic walks. The canals. Gondola. Girlfriend lying ba…" - says fred zeppelin
What Makes You Cry? (187 stories) - "My first encounter with chillies Ma0sm's Gaylord curry house story reminded me of my very first encounter with chillies. This took place in the strang…" - says moon monkey
Against Your Will (64 stories) - "Not long out of uni and off with my boyfriend on out first holiday together.. We were more culturally inclined than sunworshippers, and poor with it, …" - says Ms Shenanigans
Bad Ideas (114 stories) - "WHAT?! When I was a teen, there was a small newsagents that all us kids used to frequent, for sweets, football stickers and daring each other to shopl…" - says jrd
Public Nudity (84 stories) - "I had a vasectomy a couple of months ago. They gave me something called a "modesty blanket", as there was obviously the doctor but also a couple of nu…" - says browser
Anything For Money (67 stories) - "Meditation CDs I went through a phase of trying money-making schemes, and the least successful was my meditation/relaxation CDs. I found some whale no…" - says browser
Corruption (65 stories) - "Pointless "Fairholme" post. There's this website, right? And this website has a thread that is solely dedicated to people going there to tell their st…" - says snigglywiggly
False Economies (125 stories) - "We have two horses and recently paid the GDP of a small country to have one of them covered (shagged, in other words) by a certified stallion. Clearly…" - says mong tiger
Heckles II (146 stories) - "Show us your pianist Rather like the Chubby Brown tale from earlier... In the late 70s, while at college, I worked part-time as a drinks waiter in …" - says zebideedoodah
Fantasists (140 stories) - "Even cyborgs have off days I had a friend at school who was obsessed with Terminator 2. Or any military-based fantastical hero – he’d adopt the qualit…" - says Wet-chinned bag shanker
Sacked II (102 stories) - "Worked as a temp for a law firm. It was in some converted loft in Lahndan and had its own fitted kitchen with coffee machine and American-style giant …" - says Ghettoblaster Yeti
Not having sex (81 stories) - "One way to guarantee not having any sex... is to take your intended to a cheap hotel miles away in the middle of Germany. I won't bore you with the de…" - says browser
Near Death Experiences II (88 stories) - "From the last time this question was asked... Motorway Madness September 1995... Bombing it up the M1 back to uni in Leeds. Junctions 1 to 46 - …" - says Albert Marshmallow
My job: Expectation vs Reality (81 stories) - "I work in insurance. I expect it to be dull. It is dull. When I'm not regretting my career choices, I sing in a covers band. I'm classing it as a job …" - says Wicca'd Witch
UFOs and close encounters (96 stories) - "Whoop My memories of this episode are pretty patchy as I can’t have been more than four or five when it happened, but as a generous surprise to my par…" - says Ghettoblaster Yeti
Brits Abroad (117 stories) - "Crete Some idiotic friend of mine thought three of us would have fun if we spent a week in Malia. Naturally we didn’t – a good omen of what to come wa…" - says Wet-chinned bag shanker
Hidden talents (84 stories) - "I can cum over my own head as my mum found out when she brought me a cup of tea while I was in bed. I finished shooting yoghurt, shouted at her to fuc…" - says SlantedScience
Drunk Shopping (133 stories) - "The evils of gastropubs At the end of the road on which I used to live there was a traditional pub. It wasn’t the most earth-shatteringly amazing pub …" - says Ghettoblaster Yeti
Biggest opportunity I've blown (92 stories) - "I have a nasty habit of accidentally passing up opportunities. By that I mean I regularly look back on things and think "Oooohhhhhh... crap. That's wh…" - says Ant Marching
Petty Officials (117 stories) - ""Hey! You!" I was a fair distance away from Tesco when I heard the call from somewhere behind me. I looked over my shoulder, and could see that it w…" - says Enzyme
Class (88 stories) - "An acquaintance worked for Inland Revenue and in times gone by he would not have met this particular chap because he would have become a CofE cleric,…" - says d.r._and_quinch
One Night Stands (100 stories) - "I wish it hadn’t happened but it did We met online, got chatting, seemed to get on. She liked my news links & details of my terrific lifestyle in Milt…" - says Battered
Trapped! (196 stories) - "Escape was physically easy; socially impossible Our family got together at my parents' house for Easter. In the afternoon we played a game of hide and…" - says teedyay
Black sheep of the family II (133 stories) - "Cotton Picking Story. Not about sheep but agricultural non the less. My ancestors were split in the early 19th century when around half of them emigr…" - says edjogs
Acting out your fantasies (109 stories) - "I've always dreamt of having a cock as long as a 2 litre bottle of fizzy orange, and just as wide. Fanta sized, actually." - says localboy
Dodgy boozers (132 stories) - "Middlesbrough. I was a white van man. Worse, I was a white van man’s assistant. We trawled the charity shops of the north east buying up their ‘discon…" - says Wet-chinned bag shanker
Stags and Hens (149 stories) - "I didn't have enough friends to do a stag So I drank half a bottle of domestic sherry and watched whatever crap was on television. Then I drew a face…" - says the other guy
Little Moments of Joy (169 stories) - "L'esprit de dix ans When I was ten the Lotus Elan was brand new. "It's front wheel drive," the car bores of the day said. "It's a disgrace." "It le…" - says pineapplecharm
Bad Smells (145 stories) - "you know that thing where you can stand the smell of your own guffs, but not other peoples'? So you can drop the most rancid guinness fart in the worl…" - says mictoboy
"Well, that escalated quickly" (78 stories) - "The story below reminds me of.... ...The time I was taken through the disciplinary process at an employer. Backstory. My manager was an unremitting t…" - says Captain Placid
I spied on someone... (81 stories) - "When my ex-girlfriend was 18, she went on a holiday to Majorca with her boyfriend at the time. The couple staying in the apartment next door to theirs…" - says cs1ca
Christmas Tales (81 stories) - "In which my dad bums some furniture (Repost from 'Dad Stories') Picture the scene... It's early Christmas evening. The presents have all been opene…" - says R. Jimlad
Bizarre leaps of logic (98 stories) - "paedophile camera Was stood on a street corner in Nottingham with a sound level meter on a tripod doing a noise survey. An interested passer by shoute…" - says BoyHoover
Celebrity Encounters III (297 stories) - "Attenborough When I was little I wrote a piece of fan mail to David Attenborough, saying how I wanted to be just like him and also providing a shit-qu…" - says dancebiscuits
Self-Inflicted injuries (156 stories) - "Mom had a twisted sense of humor My friend T and I spent a year living with my parents and working in a sheet metal shop to save up some money before …" - says Wahoo
Job Interview Disasters (125 stories) - "I went for this job right and the geezer asks me what is my biggest weakness? I said, "It's probably my honesty." He said, "I don't think honest…" - says edjogs
Attention whore (181 stories) - "My Downfall I sit here on a wet Monday afternoon, in my pants and bathrobe, having done precisely nothing all day. Why? Because I am an attention-seek…" - says Frank Snow
Theft (151 stories) - "Customs & Excise Bored on an october weekend, I got a last minute return ticket for the channel tunnel and went for a drive around Normandy. Didnt …" - says Seize the (Christmas) Carp
Fancy Dress Failures Pt 2 (142 stories) - "Years ago... My mate and I were on our way to a fancy dress party, both of us dressed as coppers. We decided it would be a laugh to see if we could ac…" - says Joy Division Oven Gloves
Lego (170 stories) - "My dad recently sold his house and before he handed the keys over he asked me to clear all of my junk out of the loft. There was a lot of it; dozens …" - says Paolo Nutini's Bikini
Bad Dates (131 stories) - "She'll do During a dry spell, my mate Malcy the Alcy (this was the 90's, way before anyone could even spell nominative determinism) rang me. He had re…" - says I have run out of coke
Irrational people (135 stories) - "oh yes of course - religion! Definitely irrational... A rambling story of my descent into and eventual escape from religious fundamentalism I used to …" - says dorje
Why I Love/Hate Britain (147 stories) - "Confessions of a Pathetic Anglophile. Here's the thing, I was born in South Africa. My ancestors are from all over north-western Europe, with a slight…" - says Ladyfingers
Pure Fury (151 stories) - "You never forget the first time I once had a girlfriend, a girl who has appeared in these annals under the monicker "Batshit Mentalist" on many occa…" - says moon monkey
Twat Friends (105 stories) - "I had a friend called Gordon. One morning he swaggered in looking like he'd just shagged one of the student nurses next door. 'I've just shagged one …" - says Dr. Shambolic
Break-up Stories (132 stories) - "Pride and Plastering I met a very nice girl once, well she seemed that way. She had a cute smile, a flippy fringe, nice legs and a charming ground-fl…" - says pineapplecharm
Lurid Work Stories (130 stories) - "When my dad was a young copper He was based in a fairly rural police station. On one of his first mornings there he took a call from a local man whose…" - says Wet-chinned bag shanker
Not-stalgia (179 stories) - "Never Go Back Revisiting old TV programs, computer games and other pastimes of our youth can be a fun but frivolous waste of adult time. With the adve…" - says Albert Marshmallow
Lead Balloon (113 stories) - "Perverted Pantsdown. Not me. A bloke I went to uni with called Chris. 2nd Year, so most of us in the course knew each other well enough to have had…" - says s0ckpuppet
Things I've gone off (130 stories) - "“This is Samantha Fox” So declared my mate, sweating heavily next to a tree with a knife in his hand, and gesturing proudly at the long low branch he’…" - says Wet-chinned bag shanker
Exposed! (90 stories) - "Showing Kate Bush my bush A few years ago, my mother dropped the bombshell that Kate Bush was moving in next door. Obviously I thought it was a cruel …" - says aerialmeg
MTFU (114 stories) - "From Bad to Worse. I said goodbye and put down the phone. There was nothing they could do, she said. He was still alive when they got to the vet but …" - says Frank Snow
Bad gigs (238 stories) - "Told this one before... When I was young, keen and 17, I had a running joke with a not-very-famous band whereby I'd take my bra off during their gig a…" - says and now for someone completely different
Unreasonable Cruelty (109 stories) - "I may have mentioned before that I do occassional security work. This is generally quite tedious, until summer arrives, at which point in time it bec…" - says Christmunst tree
Body Horror (108 stories) - "Kippers Vindaloo After a round of watching Red Dwarf while drunk, a mate and I decided to try all the joke recipes mentioned. The Triple-Decker Fried …" - says moon monkey
Lucky Escapes (132 stories) - "Suburban spelunky As the eldest and best child, I had the attic room at my parents' place. It had big velux windows that offered a splendid view over …" - says SimianKid
Yum! (252 stories) - "i made a cake and was rightly proud of it too" - says kaptinkurtz
Social Media Meltdowns (80 stories) - "Your Typical Internet Showdown So a few years back I got into it with some jerk on Facebook. Puffed up little hard-man type, thought he was a player …" - says Frank Snow
School Assemblies (128 stories) - "The overhead projector The overhead projector played a key role in school assemblies. Nothing to do with retail accounting, the overhead projector, or…" - says browser
Spoilers (191 stories) - "On the subject of my work Probably the best spoiler I ever witness was for the benefit of a young 12yr old Ian (not real name). A young messer commit…" - says dazbrilliantwhites
Ask B3ta (453 stories) - " How come this keeps happening? ;)" - says sittingduck
Kids say the shittiest things (160 stories) - "They MUST know what they’re doing… My young kids love animals, so a few months ago the present Mrs PF and I finally caved in to their pleas and b…" - says Pooflake
The Emergency Services (141 stories) - "My dad was a healthcare professional for over thirty years. He had saved numerous lives, and would always answer the call of duty no matter what time…" - says Christmunst tree
My Saviour (215 stories) - "This was about ten years ago now I had gone down to the Reading festival - it was generally a fantastic time, and I don't want to do the event a disse…" - says Lightguy
Midlife Crisis (156 stories) - "I've got a theory... ... that my generation (early forties) and younger won't have mid life crises like they used to be. Here's why: In the olden d…" - says SonofRojBlake
Controversial Beliefs (221 stories) - "Only asylum seekers should get benefit money People born in the UK have won life's lottery. Just being mediocre, getting up in the morning and going t…" - says Brigadier
Travel (128 stories) - "Watch who you cross the border with In 2002 I found myself living in a backpacker hostel in the tiny kingdom of Swaziland with a mad rasta. Let's cal…" - says pineapplecharm
Funerals II (127 stories) - "Only Sleeping My grandfather died. The funeral was a solemn affair, as these things usually are. My grandmother, naturally, was distraught. They'd …" - says terryeden
Surprise! (116 stories) - "Unconscious surprise I have a mate (honest) who, despite being in his 40s, loves to scare the bejesus out of people by jumping out of hiding places wh…" - says Bappage
Winging It (73 stories) - "Winging it on the wing Several years ago my wife, 2 kids, some friends and their two kids were happily sat on a Boeing 747 about to depart for some su…" - says mrb36
Brain Fade (179 stories) - "One day in Hamburg So there I was, spending a day shopping in Hamburg. At the end I had amassed 4 carrier bags of stuff, plus one fuckoff-sized bag co…" - says GermanGuy
FIGHT! (152 stories) - "When talent-nighting, have talent. The place: Sukhumvit Soi 11, where all strata of Bangkok society shake the drips of Nana sleaze from their clothing…" - says Ghettoblaster Yeti
I Hurt My Rude Bits, Again (136 stories) - "As a young man I was always a bit kinky, and almost inevitably, as I got older and experimented a bit with my sexuality, I drifted a bit towards the o…" - says SnowyTheWereRabbit
Where Did It All Go Wrong? (132 stories) - "I sent a cv for a job last week. I re-read it again today and as a placeholder in the skills section I'd written "I once fucked a puppy" until I coul…" - says cumquat may
LOL Bigots (182 stories) - "My eldest son Dan is a shy lad... ...very smart and studious and might be considered by some to be "a nerd". But he's a nice boy - friendly and wouldn…" - says Clonk
Utterly Drunk (171 stories) - "This is the story of my last drunk But first a little backgound: 10 years ago I had a good job, people respected me, I earned loads of money, attra…" - says buffet_the_appetite_slayer
The Naughty Step (104 stories) - "The naughty step indeed I was visiting my old mate Des one Saturday afternoon when all hell broke loose at a house diagonally opposite. Des said …" - says Redemption
More Pet Stories (181 stories) - "Not all cats are cunts My mum grew up in a small cottage in the middle of a wood because my grandparents didn't have a pot to piss in. They kept pigs…" - says Draconacticus
Inflated Self-Importance (207 stories) - "Airport Security Mouthbreathing Drone. Slightly bizzare incident recently; The Oath family was returning home from a fantastic Xmas holiday a few w…" - says Ken Oath
Sorry (167 stories) - "While working for a while as the sales manager of (probably) the last CDR manufacturer in the UK (yes, this was a looong time ago), we were having a b…" - says blyerkit
Saying the Unsayable (99 stories) - "Beer soaked accidental trauma I've been a loyal wingman to Woody ever since the days of Sixth Form. At the time of this tale, Woody had been working …" - says Bicycle Repairman
Dumped (123 stories) - "What was I thinking. I was 13 years old. It was New Years Day. My folks always went to my Uncles for a party that evening. I loved these occasions, I …" - says spimf
Relief (138 stories) - "I recently got farmed out from my cosy den in the intensive care unit at the Local Hospital Where I Work to one of the medical wards as we were overst…" - says Amorous Badger
Overcoming adversity (117 stories) - " Goodbye arsehole. I have had crohn's disease for nigh on 7 years now and admittedly it hasn't killed me, but it fucked my life up that much that it m…" - says bumless
Made me laugh (176 stories) - "Who says the French aren't funny? When I was about 11 or 12, I went on holiday to France with my family. We were sitting outside a bistro, having our …" - says browser
No Self-Awareness (173 stories) - "This is well timed As my story only happened two months ago. My cash had completely dried up, so six months prior I was forced to take a menial dat…" - says Frank Snow
Crazy People off the Internet (97 stories) - "First This is one of my favourite nutters I was reminiscing about just the other day. I develop a slight man crush on Enzyme each time I re-read it." - says Pig Bodine.
Ignored Advice (102 stories) - "Not listening in school I was told to study. Advised to study. Forced to study, but I had no interest. School was a minor inconvenience that got in…" - says Bamboo Steamer
Destruction, Demolition and Deconstruction (95 stories) - "I destroyed the World Trade Centre. I think I should win the compo" - says Hulk Hogan
Water, boats and all that floats (97 stories) - "FUCKING SHARK! I think pilots call it a ‘black hole illusion.’ A suitably ominous term for the feeling of disorientation caused by approaching a fixed…" - says Wet-chinned bag shanker
Dressing Up (100 stories) - "The hallucinogenic qualities of boredom.... 12 years ago I shared a house with two old school friends. As I have described elsewhere in various QOTWs,…" - says DVDAFever
Getting other people into trouble (70 stories) - "It was my birthday and two friends took my girlfriend and me out to dinner at a fairly posh restaurant. It looked to be a very pleasant evening, with …" - says The Resident Loon
The best thing I've built (93 stories) - "These are the best things I've built I built these two Daleks between 2005 and 2007. The black Dalek is all made of wood (various thicknesses of p…" - says drdavej
Driven to Madness (304 stories) - "people who discuss x-factor like it has any kind of value at all on any level whatsoever. it's a bunch of mongs mong stood on stage pleading with t…" - says tjn
Rogues, Villains and Eccentrics (131 stories) - "My grandfather Villan? No. Rogue? Depends on who you ask. Eccentric? Probably. Married to my grandmother, he begat my mother (yes, begat) 10 years …" - says groover j lazerus
Shit Claims to Fame II (675 stories) - "OMD? OMG! The ‘Um Bongo’ Incident... Too many short answers! Please allow me to balance it out with some longwinded wank. I used to work fo…" - says Pooflake
B3TA Most Haunted (195 stories) - "Jim There was once this bloke in my local, used to come in three or four times a week, and sit by himself drinking. He was quite tall and thin with a …" - says Dr Skagra
Worst Person for the Job (160 stories) - "Mallow I used to work in a confectionary factory – to earn a bit of cash out of Uni. This place made lots of things, doughnuts, cake toppings Fudge (…" - says Dan dan dan
Ignorance (246 stories) - "Anybody that knows me knows that I have a thing about American tourists.... ....I have never, I repeat, NEVER, met an American tourist that I have lik…" - says INGSOC
The Wank Bank (114 stories) - "Such vivid memories 1. This one time I got bored of the Just Fucking White colour of my bedroom walls, so I fed my girlfriend nothing but beetroot for…" - says Ghettoblaster Yeti
Foot in Mouth Syndrome II (148 stories) - "What not to say for a quiet life.... So, about 6 or 7 years ago now, I found myself working for a logistics company in their shiny new head office. It…" - says Ryushin
Home Science (125 stories) - "Putting the 'Ooooh' in 'Tenuous' It was a dark winter's evening a few years ago. Mrs Costas and I had just battled through the usual hour-long struggl…" - says costas
Screwed over by The Man (84 stories) - "I went out for a couple of quiet drinks with my friends and when I woke up the next morning I found that my complete shit of a husband had put spunk i…" - says FUCKLIFT FUCKLIFT FUCKLIFT FUCKLIFT FUCKLIFT FUCKLIFT FUCKLIFT FUCKLIFT FUCKLIFT FUCKLIFT FUCKLIFT FUCKLIFT FUCKLIFT FUCKLIFT FUCKLIFT FUCKLIFT FUCKLIFT FUCKLIFT FUCKLIFT FUCKLIFT FUCKLIFT FUCKLIFT FUCKLIFT FUCKLIFT FUCKLIFT FUCKLIFT FUCKLIFT FUCKLIFT
Tantrums (119 stories) - "Not quite a tantrum... ...on the weekend my wife went out with her old school friends for a "get together". "we'll just have a few, I'm not a sad …" - says Ken Oath
Why will you burn in hell? (155 stories) - "Well.... this wot I wrote a while ago, drunkenly, as a response to Rory Lyon's odd and unrelenting focus upon a B3ta stalwart's mother, and never post…" - says Happy Phantom
Cunning Plans (113 stories) - "When I was a child I found a lot of money lying around the house in a box at home. There was so much money there that I thought nobody would miss one …" - says bROKEN aRROW
The B3ta Cookbook (265 stories) - "FIRE IN THE HOLE! I rather foolishly once allowed my old housemate to cook for me one night, after having discussed my steak chorizo and lime chilli …" - says UppityDamnPrimate
Clubs, gangs, and societies (208 stories) - "My Beer Club. I run a Beer Club at my work (The Hop Hounds). Each payday 50 of us deposit a small percent of our pay into a central account. We let…" - says Ken Oath
The Apocalypse (165 stories) - "Bushfire It’s long one....but worth telling. My family lived in the bush, on a few cleared acres at the base of a mountain, surrounded by dense Eu…" - says Ken Oath
Getting Old (357 stories) - "Getting Old...I appreciate it. As the saying goes. 'Old age and treachery beats youth and enthusiam everytime.' I'm better in my 40's at cooking, ma…" - says Gru
War (98 stories) - "Street violence & the world's worst have-a-go hero One night I was strolling home with a friend after a night out. Up ahead there was a couple having …" - says moon monkey
Down on the Farm (170 stories) - "Apaches is probably true. The fatality rate on farms is something like 8 deaths per 100,000 people per year - sounds low, but that's about one a week.…" - says gordonjcp
Sex Toys (142 stories) - "Manchester Twas in the late 1990’s, I worked on Merseyside and my boss lived in Manchester but commuted daily. A top bloke – who played hard a…" - says Pat mustard
Shops and Supermarkets (238 stories) - "In the back I've delivered to many supermarkets and the back door staff usually contain the same two guys, Brian and Darren. They don't work the floor…" - says all my scars face forward
Hoarding (140 stories) - "Stuff in the dark Like any right-thinking human, I fucking hate lofts. Our loft is a terrible place. The house has been in my partner’s family for al…" - says Wet-chinned bag shanker
Morning After Souvenirs (163 stories) - "A friend of mine (honest) Woke up in the morning after a heavy night. Felt a bit sticky 'downstairs'. He thought 'Oh my God, I've shat myself'. Wit…" - says SnowyTheWereRabbit
Sporting Woe (211 stories) - "Sporting accidents and life lessons Regular readers will know that over the years I've charted the progress of my twin sons on here with stories of th…" - says chickenlady
Twattery (208 stories) - "To the rude and angry man at the M&S Cafe We had almost finished our luncheon, and were packing up, when you arrived, being angry and rude. Eschewi…" - says Pope Shax XIII
Terrified! (157 stories) - "I was once walking home at night behind a woman She started walking faster in that "trying not to look like you're walking fast" way. I picked up my …" - says Ghoti Fingers
The Great Outdoors (139 stories) - "Bit of a pearoast, but people enjoyed it before... Back when I was much much younger and still in School, trying desperately to get my funk on with ju…" - says Kushan
My First Experience of the Internet (176 stories) - "Snakes on a Plane... The story of my first actual introduction to the internet is for another time. I will however, mention when I first had it …" - says Pooflake
Training courses, seminars and conferences (159 stories) - "Was on a course last week we were in an auditorium, about 90 of us. The place was packed. we had been in the session (about fire drills) for about 2…" - says Dan dan dan
Lies that went on too long (183 stories) - "The twenty year lie Five of us shared a house in the last year of university, all blokes trying to find jobs. Bob had a particularly good opportunity …" - says Smale
First World Problems (438 stories) - "Complaints about the NHS I have (until recently) gained useful employment as a manager within this island's great Health Service. I have recently left…" - says Undercovercarrot
Corporate Idiocy (262 stories) - "Mum's gone to Iceland Iceland. Row upon row of microwaveable despair. If your mum has gone there, kill her and yourself. It's the only way to be sure.…" - says Wet-chinned bag shanker
Random Acts of Evil (212 stories) - "supermarket takedown / parenting by proxy picture the scene. you're in a morrisons. you're hung to the over. you're halfheartedly scouring the shelves…" - says UppityDamnPrimate
Random Acts of Kindness (239 stories) - "Friendly London I think I might have posted this one before, but I'm not sure. Many years ago I lived and worked in London. One sunny day, I was…" - says ScousersPet
Filth! (240 stories) - "I am the scud fairy. My Mum's an Occupational Therapist. Simply put, she goes into disabled peoples' houses and reccomends adaptations that will make…" - says universalpsykopath
I should have been arrested (144 stories) - "My left foot… I must have posted about this before…but I’m afraid I can’t be bothered to properly check. Either way, it applies for this week, s…" - says Pooflake
What nonsense did you believe in as a kid? (363 stories) - "I convinced Baby Shambles that my nose made a beeping noise when pressed. This backfired when I was having a nap and she thought it wasn't working and…" - says Dr. Shambolic
Messing with people's heads (277 stories) - "Many years ago my friend bought a Nokia N-gage. One of those poncey (yet crappy) gaming phones. He wouldn't shut up about it for the week beforehand. …" - says Paolo Nutini's Bikini
Books (431 stories) - "Not a recommendation of any book or author but from 1999 – 2001 I worked for Amazon. Each week we would have a meeting to review transcripts of custo…" - says Bollocks.
Heroes and villains of 2011 (144 stories) - "I’m afraid my hero of 2011 isn’t quite as noble as some of the ones I’ve read this week… My hero of 2011 was just a child. An innocent littl…" - says Pooflake
Killed to DEATH (195 stories) - "Pigeon Torture One day I was driving home early from work, and I get a phone call. It was my wife. She was absolutely distraught and was sobbing d…" - says Spaff_Quaffer
Weird Rituals (278 stories) - "I count out the rhythm of any sexual activity by resolving the dates of famous historical events into their prime factors. So the Battle of Hastings i…" - says Dr. Shambolic
Ask David Hasselhoff (329 stories) - "Have you watched the Pamela Anderson sex tapes? Did you feel guilty cracking one out over an ex colleague? Or does that make it better?" - says rob
Biggest Sexual Regret (192 stories) - "Twix of Doom (pearoast) Pearoast, but relevant. And I've still not eaten one since. My first girlfriend and I were together for about two and a ha…" - says nasalhair
Conspiracy Theories (328 stories) - "Badgers When I was wee, my family used to amuse ourselves in the interminable car journey down to Devon by counting the roadkill and guessing what it …" - says Queen of Cheesecake
Devastating Put-Downs (436 stories) - "Fucksakes! Where the FUCK did you get that haircut from? Those were the very words bawled across the print room floor by Ian Jackson* - a particularly…" - says claude balls
Amazing Projects (125 stories) - "Creation Of Significant Cultural Artefact A couple of years ago I got pissed and accidentally created a Facebook page entitled "Campaign to get Brain …" - says ruminator
Money-saving tips (417 stories) - "been doing stints as a volunteer advisor at the citizen's advice bureau on and off for a few months now. As part of the training in addition to dealin…" - says Clay
Tactless (281 stories) - "He just didn't have the stomach for it... I have advanced foot-in-mouth syndrome. I predict a few posts this week... DaddyRakky was diagnosed with …" - says Rakky (forgot her password)
Racist grandparents (311 stories) - "My Grandad's not racist. He's just from a different era. A very, very racist era. In all seriousness, I doubt he hates any member of another race. He…" - says universalpsykopath
Meeting people from the internet (223 stories) - "Things snowball – pun intended So I post on a couple of forums about winter sports in Bulgaria. The chat is usually about the three main resorts out t…" - says Cheeses of Nazareth
The B3TA Detective Agency (261 stories) - "We created a mystery which the people involved may never solve Driving my cousin home late one Friday night after he had done some some plastering wor…" - says craigix
Iffy crushes (441 stories) - "There seems to be a drought of actual stories this week It's time to rectify that - so sit down, get yourself comfy, and let me tell you the tale of..…" - says Godwin's Lawyer
Crap Gadgets (251 stories) - "In retrospect the Windows 7 Party was a bad idea. Do you remember those daft adverts? Trying to sell the idea that ordinary people would actually get …" - says Frank Snow
B3TA fixes the world (471 stories) - "make bendy buses... ...make a sound like an accordion every time they go round a corner." - says Ya What?
I didn't do it (198 stories) - "I AM A FUCKING HERO. Or I would be if this happened IT DIDN'T HAPPEN. A long time ago I was in the pub, meeting up with my ex-wife/supermodel's da…" - says mark morrisons prison shoes
Happy 10th Birthday B3ta (339 stories) - "Several drunken bashes, a 155 mile walk of shame, and getting knocked up by a midget. I've been a QOTW regular for over four years now. I remember the…" - says crackhouseceilidhband
School Naughtiness (205 stories) - "Cruel You think kids are cruel? Bullshit. Nobody takes the piss out of kids as ruthlessly and effectively as teachers. It's all behind closed doors of…" - says McChinaman
Churches, temples and holy places (201 stories) - "I went to a Catholic school But it was really one of those nominally Catholic schools that took on the RC prefix sometime in the 60s, probably as an a…" - says leviticus
Overheard secrets (156 stories) - "No-one gets away clean... Apologies the length of this story. In fact, apologies for the story full stop. It may not be, strictly speaking, an overhea…" - says Don Draper
Performance (161 stories) - "Attracting an Audience On a night out with a few work colleagues, I ended up a bit worse for wear quite early on in the evening. This resulted in me l…" - says Monkey the Chicken
First rude thing I ever saw (209 stories) - "Zebra willy I am five years old and on a lovely day out at Whipsnade Zoo. I clap my hands with glee at the monkeys throwing poo. I watch birds of prey…" - says Queen of Cheesecake
Annoying Partners (220 stories) - "Nearly entirely irrelevant poo story Apologies for near-offtopicness, but it's a good 'un and I thought I ought to share the lurid details before they…" - says ousgg
Conspicuous Consumption (221 stories) - "A lost world I've always been a massive aeroplane nut. I grew up in Somerset, not far from near HMS Heron, the headquarters of naval aviation. The ann…" - says Scrumper
Losing it (304 stories) - "I was organising some kids games and needed a blindfold for one of them. I found a particularly wide tie, which would do the job. But what do I look …" - says Zuowan
Road Trip (175 stories) - "buffalo buffalo BUFFALO **First post to the boards, apologies for length, I've been drinking red wine and this topic sent me into a reverie** When …" - says billy_pudcock
Dodgy work ethics (205 stories) - "Acorn Electron Madness Back in .. oooh 1983 if I remember, I had a saturday job working in W.H. Smiths in their shiney new computer department. Easy m…" - says RadG
Old stuff I still know (484 stories) - "Crescent wank I can still remember my first proper wank. I was about 10 years old and I'd found a photography magazine of my dads with a picture of a …" - says Lionel Tiger
Bedroom Disasters (243 stories) - "Alcohol was a factor My new girlfriend told me she liked it rough. Despite having never done anything like that before, I think "fuck it", and we deci…" - says a gun that fires other, smaller guns
Horrible things I've done to a loved one (225 stories) - "It wasn't pre-meditated, but I was once rifling through the top-draw of junk looking for some money or something, when I came across a box. Without th…" - says Zak McFlimby
Fairgrounds, theme parks, circuses and carnivals (247 stories) - "I am a support worker and I work with a very disabled gentleman who I shall call Steve. Steve cannot speak, he cannot walk unaided and he has a damage…" - says Rev. Jayneflakes
Grandparents (237 stories) - "See if I've beat little sister to this... Both our Grandads died within 6 weeks of each other last year. As with any death/funeral, it is amazing how …" - says Greenbat
The Best / Worst thing I've ever eaten (474 stories) - "What a morning that was. I am the proud owner of a lovely black labrador, called Oscar, who turned 11 last month. It was not an uncommon thing for me …" - says 2_Killer_Mockingbirds
Trolls (265 stories) - "Wardrobe trolls When I was about 8ish, my imagination fuelled by Point Horror tales, I used to terrify my little brother with stories about how the tr…" - says Milo Minderbinder
Conversation Killers (328 stories) - "TomTom A couple of years ago, I was at a mate's funeral. It wasn't a happy occasion; he'd hit a tree, and because he was divorced and his firm kept no…" - says all my scars face forward
The Police II (248 stories) - "Plain Clothes Officer My uncle bikes to his station in his bike leathers each day and gets changed into uniform when he's there. A few weeks ago h…" - says Sivvus
Winning (300 stories) - "Everyone's a winner It’ been some time since I wrote on here so hold tight, this is a long one…… This is a tale of ignorance, belligerence, and ach…" - says CaptainCuntyBollocks
World of Random (286 stories) - "TV Guide A random combination of programming and name-abbreviation which was bound to occur sooner or later: It was, of course "The Hairy Biker…" - says moon monkey
Greed (224 stories) - "An Epic Battle When people mention great battles that have been fought through the history of time, there are a few that immediately spring to mind; D…" - says Monkey the Chicken
Creepy! (553 stories) - "not me, my dad back when i was a babe in arms my folks moved in to their first home. a decorating frenzy ensues and late one night my dad(19 at the ti…" - says studdley ruffrod
Irrational Hatred (888 stories) - "Getting things wrong when I am correcting someone A few months ago, Private Eye ran a cartoon showing Batman and Spiderman attending the same party. …" - says scarpe
Nights Out Gone Wrong (219 stories) - "At the risk of blowing my cover My worst night out, and one that I don't think I'll ever live down, was my first night out at Uni. 1998. I was a fr…" - says twunt face
Awesome teachers (250 stories) - "Mrs Lewis, English. I always found English to be one of the more boring lessons; poetry-appreciation, Shakespeare and, worst of all, Jane fecking Aust…" - says R. Jimlad
Bodge Jobs (223 stories) - "Last year I wanted bigger and better fireworks for Guy Fawkes' - so I made this: It's not the best photo, snapped with a cheap camera phone before…" - says Albert Marshmallow
Stupid Colleagues (314 stories) - "That Office Moron? I am He. From the dark dingy depths of IT support, a young wax chewer had moved into a new, shiny department. A high profile area…" - says IChewCandlewax
Drunk Parents (175 stories) - "A Grumpy Old Man, Wrong Numbers And A Very Social Daughter Last summer my Dad had been getting wrong number phone calls for about a week on his mobile…" - says Dervel
Wanking Disasters Part II (190 stories) - "You know that myth about Marlilyn Manson? So I'd been enjoying one of the few pleasures of puberty for a year or so now. Unfortunately, I didn't have …" - says 99pence
Little Victories (218 stories) - "A little victory for the Polo company. A while ago, the people who make Polo mints brought out a promotional product called "Polo Holes", the idea bei…" - says sunray18
"Needless to say, I had the last laugh" (143 stories) - "Beating on the Booming Drum of Self Congratulation It was a warm, liquid afternoon in summer, showing Bournemouth off at its best. Happy people wande…" - says IChewCandlewax
I'm glad nobody saw me (182 stories) - "The French Connection… This happened well over 10 years ago – and not even in this country, but I still think about it every now and again. We w…" - says Pooflake
DIY Surgery (195 stories) - "Dam-Busters I may or may not have mentioned this before. *hangs head in shame* One night a few years ago year: Particularly bored and on a bit o…" - says Humpty Dumpty was Pushed
Bullshit and Bullshitters (362 stories) - "North Korean MySpace Pretty sure this is a pearoast, but I can't remember for sure. Basically, the story starts that I made a fake account on MySp…" - says racetraitor
House Guests (173 stories) - "An inadvertent golden shower Many moons ago I stopped off at a nightclub where I knew my friend, G, would be DJ'ing in the hope of blagging a lift hom…" - says Kovacs
Worst Band Ever (442 stories) - "When you watch this you will understand... Before you watch I must warn you that you will want to paper cut her eyes and force her to piss her own tee…" - says thePontificator
B3ta Villain of the Year 2010 (133 stories) - "The Pope Got to be. Promoting homophobic policies... check. Demonizing condoms in AIDS hotzones... check. Being anachronistically misogynistic... chec…" - says Amish Information Systems
B3ta Person of the Year 2010 (219 stories) - "Julian Assange Vote for this and we won't switch it to some twat from Facebook at the last minute. Although knowing B3ta I imagine Brian Blessed i…" - says rob
It's Not What It Looks Like! (163 stories) - "I have never ever won a game of Pictionary. " - says Dervel
Broken Promises (300 stories) - "A Christmas True Story Nothing causes more broken promises than an addiction to alcohol. Work, family, friends, they all bear the brunt and eventually…" - says Cheeses of Nazareth
Dad stories (335 stories) - "In which my dad bums some furniture... Picture the scene... It's early Christmas evening. The presents have all been opened. The Christmas dinner has …" - says R. Jimlad
Unusual talents (344 stories) - "I'm going to shoehorn something I heard at work today into this qotw; I have a colleague who has a talent for getting the wrong end of the stick. (see…" - says browser
Protest! (211 stories) - "Chips. Chips. I knew something was wrong the moment the metal hatch clattered ceilingward. Senga the dinner lady (for that may very well have been…" - says Timorous Beastie
Redundant technology (400 stories) - "Graphite.. I like drawing. A lot. Funny thing is, I never actually realised how much until April earlier this year. The wife bought me a dr…" - says danniekavanagh
Babysitters (194 stories) - "Zulu cock :o) My nan, god rest her beautiful, beautiful soul, suffered terribly with cataracts to the extent that in her seventies, the time wherin th…" - says R. Jimlad
Crappy relationships (285 stories) - "My made up relationship story is true On my first night at university I got drinking with a group of lads and, as 18 year old boys do, we all started …" - says Asser
Things to do before you die (359 stories) - "Well, since I am dying, This QOTW is sort of a QOML just lately. Yes, yes, we're all dying, and it's not like I'm going quickly but probably faster t…" - says dadadali
Vandalism (475 stories) - "Fun with fluorescent paint Many years ago I stood on my mate Mick's shoulders one night and neatly painted "FUCK" in meter high white chemo fluorescen…" - says Brian O'Blivion
Waste of money (260 stories) - "Motorcycle insurance A bit of background: I have a motorcycle, it's shit. Good when it works but constantly falls apart/breaks/fucks up and I've spent…" - says MJPerry
What was I thinking? (278 stories) - "The Amazing Shitting Cardboard Box! I remember one time years ago, I was about 10 or 11 years old and a couple of my mates and I were just making our …" - says Helmut McBucket
Drugs (359 stories) - "pea, again, sorry Mrs Spimf can’t do drugs... not at all, she’s tried coke a few times and it always went like this... "Want some of this coke b…" - says spimf
Easiest Job Ever (311 stories) - "Ha, got a reply See here first: www.b3ta.com/questions/easyjob/post863310 -- Dear SLVA , Thank you for contacting Honda (UK). We were very s…" - says sandettie light vessel automatic
Complaining (353 stories) - "The tale of the cornflake Many years ago, my Aunt had a friend who was a serial complainer\consumer terrorist. She used to fire letters of complaint …" - says frightfullybored
The B3TA Confessional (283 stories) - "Baby monitors.. Ah. Well, it was like this you see... I lived in a little terraced house, in an area popular with young families. When the baby Ott…" - says Ott3r
Narrow Escapes (306 stories) - "Marrow escapes Anyone want any marrows/got any marrow recipes?" - says stopmeandslapme
Lies that got out of control (239 stories) - "Oh crikey - the girl who got run over. I'd completely forgotten this one... My parents used to ask me every day "so how was school today?" and obvi…" - says sanityclause
Beautiful Moments, Part Two (289 stories) - "Chance meeting 24 years ago, I met a young lady, we started seeing each other and fell madly in love. We were together for three years, a real roller…" - says lardyboy
Ouch! (446 stories) - "Pissed up Mrs at my cousins wedding.... ...she was 2 and a half bottles of wine in after 3 hours. Just after the speeches I took her back to the hotel…" - says atdotslash
Guilty Laughs (326 stories) - "Mr Jingles I have one of those friends who posts status updates to Facebosh to inform all of *everything* that happens in her life. Recently, her stat…" - says R. Jimlad
"You're doing it wrong" (322 stories) - "Married women & saying the wrong thing. Not all married women, just the few that I have been involved with, each time it was a complete disaster. I do…" - says cname
Absolute Power (166 stories) - "This year was my first time teaching Year 1 For those who are not familiar with primary school year 1 are 5 year olds. This was their first year of fo…" - says Mrs Entity
Bizarre habits (530 stories) - "Weird things I say A few rhymes/sayings that I always recite and make sure I do so, without fail: When my dog farts: Naughty dog, smelly dog, go o…" - says Monkey the Chicken
Starting something you couldn't finish (264 stories) - "Oops, I did it again... Earlier this year, after getting increasingly miffed with numerous attempts by Greenpeace to try and drag me back into th…" - says Pooflake
Sticking it to The Man (240 stories) - "A ltter two teh ferrys As it's Fathers Day, I think I should treat you to the tale of when my dad finally swallowed his pride and asked me for help. T…" - says FoxyBadger
Bad Management (300 stories) - "Just to add a little balance.... A while ago I was working at an insurance company, a new girl had started and had been there a couple of weeks when t…" - says dchurch
Caught! (293 stories) - "The lovely Jessie was always pretending to spot something behind me... ...and using the distraction to steal some of my food/sweets/beer/whatever. …" - says Professor Kenny Martin
Professions I Hate (544 stories) - "Duck (Scary) vs Builder vs Solicitor I had some building work done, but got ripped off horribly when the useless workshy cunt of a builder did a runne…" - says Scaryduck
Good Advice (707 stories) - "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned… NOTE: This started out as just a harmless (and brief) anecdote, explaining the wisdom of the title advice, …" - says Pooflake
Expensive Weekends (177 stories) - "Mrs Spimf can’t do drugs... not at all, she’s tried coke a few times and it always went like this... "Want some of this coke baby?" "No I cant, …" - says spimf
Breasts (366 stories) - "Army Tits My favourite tit tale is when Sgt Major Wobbly-Gob came to attend a "Camouflage and Concealment" session to a group of new recruits. So, the…" - says Piper Alpha
My Arch-nemesis (183 stories) - "My train-nemesis(es), or how I became a public-transport vigilante. I used to have a fairly hellish hour-and-a-half commute to work. This, in and of i…" - says Serotonicity
Cars (470 stories) - "My story... I was driving down the road the other day when I saw some guy standing on the corner around some kids, looking really shifty. I noticed…" - says Donkey Gums
Best and worst TV ads (619 stories) - "my problem with advertising is fairly broad... Speaking as one who makes a living in this godawful trade, the real problem is around the media as a wh…" - says Chad
Annoying words and phrases (1076 stories) - "What? I used to have a verbally disabled boss who was always coming out with his own made-up ‘management speak’. Some that spring to mind; “He lie…" - says Ring Of Fire
Prejudice (406 stories) - "My girfriend dumped me by email ... ...telling me that I am "dyslexic and bigoted". For fucks sake, even if I did have dyslexia it shouldn't be used …" - says emadex
How clean is your house? (308 stories) - "A friend Joe and his girlfriend once moved into a council house in one of the more vibrant parts of the city. It came with quite a large, yet not the…" - says sandettie light vessel automatic
Amazing displays of ignorance (764 stories) - "It's probably more innocence than ignorance But when I was still at the age when I needed to be accompanied to public lavatories by my dad rather than…" - says Ungersven
Doctors, Nurses, Dentists and Hospitals (405 stories) - "Badger's Guide To Getting The Most Out Of Your NHS. 1. Don't be a rude ignorant wanker. I've got a consultant wanting to ask a selection of questions …" - says Amorous Badger
Letters they'll never read (505 stories) - "Dear dyslexics, The unforgivably excessive permutations of terminology and phraseology in the English language undoubtedly appear impenetrable to you.…" - says Happy Phantom
Ginger (386 stories) - "Chickens For obvious reasons, I call my pet chickens the Ginger Ladies. When I go out to feed them, I sing: "All ma ginger ladies, all ma ginger la…" - says Peapod
Flirting (272 stories) - "There's some daft person near me who's flirting with a tree! On my commute to work, I drive past a tree that somebody keeps buying cards and flowers f…" - says Zak McFlimby
Mums (310 stories) - "My Mum was an absolute one-off In good ways and bad ways. Mostly good ways. When she went into the hospice for the last time, and we knew she only …" - says Capo
Famous people I hate (574 stories) - "Golden Arches and Coulrophobia Famous People I hate? Instead of giving you a list of people which are already on here 1,000 times I’ll do something di…" - says Flim-Flam the Magnificent
The Soundtrack of your Life (408 stories) - "I don't even like the song It’s almost two years since our little boy was born and a happier, healthier little bundle of joy you couldn’t hope for. T…" - says Mork
Real-life slapstick (372 stories) - "Time for a pearoast Sheffield gets a lot of bad press regarding its public transport system. To be fair as if you don't live on the tramline you'r…" - says kickstandrich
Anonymous (224 stories) - "As an antithesis to Bad Advice's funeral cuntiness below, When we go to the cemetery where Mrs SLVA's parents are buried, I see several children’s gra…" - says sandettie light vessel automatic
Vomit Pt2 (433 stories) - "Shit and stuff So my son shat himself. Not that strange, considering he is only two years old, although pushing three. We were playing outside, and I …" - says ThorTheBear
Sexism (466 stories) - "My friend is often labeled a sexist... Her: "My EYES are UP HERE!" Him: "You've spent the last 30 minutes going on and on about your fucking cat desp…" - says Allisade
Schadenfreude (339 stories) - "I have never, never laughed so hard I was walking home from shop when I saw my mate cycle past. I shouted and he looked round to see who it was. How…" - says sandettie light vessel automatic
Asking people out (337 stories) - "Oh God, this digs up bad memories Some of the most excruciating times of my life have centred around asking girls out. People who know me now might…" - says ousgg
Failed Projects (193 stories) - "Grandad.. Mat J's post has just tickled a memory bone.. www.b3ta.com/questions/worldoffail/post584511#answers-post-584571 My grandad was one of tho…" - says danniekavanagh
Presents (276 stories) - "supposedly my best gift ever or so my mum says. it's not exactly your average gift, but she still talks about it. one year, when i was about 11 yea…" - says Smash Monkey
PE Lessons (443 stories) - "Physical Education GCSE Paper 1 - Multiple Choice Question 1 It’s Monday morning and first period is Rugby. During morning tutor period the class ar…" - says Colonel Dracula
Family Feuds (235 stories) - "Accidental Personality change My memories of my dad before I was10 are quite good. He wasn't the most demonstrative of parents but he was funny, a bi…" - says sittingduck
Teenage Crushes - Part Two (427 stories) - "Are people misunderstanding what a crush is? Are crush and hormone-driven gratuitous sexual fantasy the same thing? IMO no it isn't. I think a crush …" - says sandettie light vessel automatic
Rubbish Towns (569 stories) - "Kappa-Slappa Jailbait You couldn't even have a wank in this town without having some teenage girl battering down your front door, punch you in the fac…" - says SpankyHanky
Sexual fetishes (420 stories) - "This is going to make you vom into your own outstretched hands… Kink, quirk, fetish, perversion – call it what you will. I have a weakness…a de…" - says Mr Twisty Cheeky
I don't understand the attraction (901 stories) - "What’s the deal…? What’s the deal with Harry Potter? I bet he likes it up the jotter Dan Brown’s shit sells by the tonne & Obama’s peace p…" - says Mr Twisty Cheeky
Celebrities part II (480 stories) - "Oh, just remembered My mate Carl used to be in a band that supported The Hollies on a tour some years ago. They'd finish and then go back to their pi…" - says sandettie light vessel automatic
Neighbours (312 stories) - "Blue Rinse Dragons Part II This will make more sense if you can be bothered with this Blue Rinse Dragons Part I The wispy apparition of the Lingeri…" - says spimf
IT Support (408 stories) - "Testing! Testing! A few years back, we used to have an IT filter on our PCs at work. You'd try and look at anything inappropriate and get blocked. …" - says SnowyTheWereRabbit
The most childish thing you've done as an adult (653 stories) - "Severely pissed off fighting through the hoards of tourists and shoplifters in Primarks on Oxford Street, my girlfriend asks the shop assistant: "E…" - says SpankyHanky
Helicopter Parents (236 stories) - "New Girlfriend When I was 19, I started dating a girl named Rachel who I met down my local. We’d been seeing each other for about 3 weeks when I sense…" - says Monkey the Chicken
Call Centres (526 stories) - "Sometimes, it pays to listen. First of all, everything written below is true and is virtually word-for-word a transcript of the conversation. I have c…" - says Undercovercarrot
Conspiracy theory nutters (261 stories) - "Not many people know this... This post has been removed by a moderator" - says notmyrealname
DIY Techno-hacks (272 stories) - "Wank alarm When I was 11, I was into electronics. My best ever project was to install Maplin type pressure pads around the house under the carpet, and…" - says I have run out of coke
School Projects (263 stories) - "Whoooooosh! At school, I was never particularly good at maths or science but I excelled at English (oh, those were the days). When I was young and in…" - says MademoiselleDave
Food sex (260 stories) - "Twix of Doom My first girlfriend and I were together for about two and a half years. A few weeks before we split up we went on a short break to Cartme…" - says nasalhair
Mobile phone disasters (354 stories) - "A happy tale My last few efforts on QOTW seem to be all fluffy and nice and unfortunately (perhaps) this is no exception. There we were, blokes dr…" - says SpikeyPickle
The Dark (280 stories) - "We had only a couple of hours in which to see Dylan at the funeral home before the coffin had to be closed. Everyone who could be there looked at his …" - says Juan Quar
Banks (403 stories) - "Long story of stubborn coppery hell Years of collecting coppers in a big jar until it finally reached the top. Conscientious as I am, I separate all t…" - says NickTervous
Gyms (250 stories) - "The Breaking of Farting Strings. When I was in my mega fit phase a few years ago (sadly I am now a bit of a fatty) I would try to push my body quite f…" - says powervator
Tramps (341 stories) - "Manchester Hobo - a tale of homelessness and happiness. He was a lovely chap and I'll call him Fred. I first met Fred when he was sleeping on the …" - says SpikeyPickle
Buses (376 stories) - "Revenge is a dish best served......eaten? Living in Non-UK European country and not having a driving license I get to travel the Pov wagon fairly ofte…" - says Bababoon
The Boss (311 stories) - "Crazy Steve There were 3 managers in a fast food place that I worked, two that loved their jobs and the other, Crazy Steve, who clearly didn't give a …" - says Regger
That's me on TV! (334 stories) - "Da-duh, da-duh, da-duh-la-da..... BONG! I haven't previously mentioned this on here (which is surprising - for some reason, I end up telling most pe…" - says TheMagicDwarf
Festivals (375 stories) - "in which Phill Jupitus nearly steals my toy bee. So, due to a combination of intense poverty, surprising lameness of friends ["what do you MEAN you 'd…" - says Seventh
Unexpected Nudity (420 stories) - "Why I can never go back to Sweden I'm married to a Swede. The blond type, not the root vegetable kind (although tubers possible have a better sense …" - says voodo_kinky
Impulse buys (346 stories) - "SWMBO's parents are Francophiles. They like all antique furniture - grandfather clocks, antique mahogany dressing tables and other such monstrosities.…" - says Sir General ***WoW***
Bullies (385 stories) - "I've been waiting to tell this story When I as at School, long ago. There was a boy who I shouldn't name called Paul Bentley He was bullied lots…" - says WormuIus
Gambling (296 stories) - "How I Met Monty Stupid bets, you say? I've made a few of 'em. Most of these come about drunkenly between me and my friends, when my decision-making pr…" - says TheMagicDwarf
Turning into your parents (394 stories) - "I chanced upon this QOTW when I was feeling a bit down. I've just been to the local Mobility shop to browse their (admittedly fine, and extensive) ran…" - says Northern Lovely
Public Sex (406 stories) - "Sin at the cinema Regular readers of my posts may remember my university XXX-ex, who was always up for a gunky fumble. It took me a few months to brin…" - says chart cat
I'm your biggest Fan (364 stories) - "University Challenge Ok, this QOTW was made for me, and if this doesn't make the top of the front page I will CRY. Way back in...2003 I think it w…" - says grandmasterfluffles
Nightclubs (403 stories) - "Quim! There! I was once in one of Newcastle's classier* late night drinking establishments, of which there are many. It was a Wednesady night, which w…" - says Undercovercarrot
Unemployed (261 stories) - "DIRTY LAUNDRY Sometimes I manage to disgust myself. Was I really going to sink so low and put my plan in action? Too fucking right I was. And i…" - says SpankyHanky
Nativity Plays (331 stories) - "B3ta Nativity play, Act 1 Scene: classroom, B3ta Grant Maintained Primary School. Pasta and glitter glue CDCs adorn the walls. The teacher, Mr chthoni…" - says crackhouseceilidhband
God (554 stories) - "Let's get it out of the way A message to the believers: No, ID does not have sound arguments, and its claims are bogus. In no sense are they compara…" - says Enzyme
The thing I've been most ashamed of doing with a penis (403 stories) - "Dirty dirty... Back at some point in 2006, I visited a gay club. I'm not gay - but my friend of many, many years had recently come out and was constan…" - says Albert Marshmallow
Puns (782 stories) - "This QOTW reminds me of my schooldays Back when I was doing my GCSEs I really struggled to figure out how and when to get my studying done. Luckily t…" - says GarbageFan
Housemates (409 stories) - "The Colour Purple… Disclaimer: Please get comfy…and you might want to get a cup of coffee / can of Redbull / gram of speed to keep you going thro…" - says Pooflake
Hypocrisy (451 stories) - "Dare I say… Asking for QotW suggestions, then ignoring them all and putting your own forward? " - says Pooflake
Darwin Awards (418 stories) - "Flaming balls of shit! I have a mate. He's a bad influence. When he and I get together, we're positively chaotic. This episode tells of a time shor…" - says lustfish
Pubs (518 stories) - "I've probably told this one before but it's my favourite bar story Me and my friends (a bunch of crusty grebos to a man) decided that for a bit of fun…" - says emvee
School Days (747 stories) - "The Headmaster I'll get it off my chest nice and early. You know the kid in class who always turned up early to lessons, handed homework in on time an…" - says FoxyBadger
The Credit Crunch (366 stories) - "That's gotta hurt I recently realised that I can't really afford to spend the money I used to spend on going to see Southend play football, as I now l…" - says scarpe
Things we do to fit in (262 stories) - "The day I became A MAN !!! Twenty - odd years later this is still excruciatingly embarrassing to recall. And I still haven't, and probably never…" - says SpankyHanky
Workplace Boredom (408 stories) - "sad this is what me and the bloke beside me made to mark the border between his desk space and mine: edit: I've realised that this photo doesn'…" - says yes yes yes man
Siblings (356 stories) - "My youngest brother .xls at school. The oldest one's already a .doc. But the other one's a pdf file." - says apeloverage
Addicted (416 stories) - "I'm addicted to brake fluid, but do feel that I could stop at any time." - says oneinthepink
I'm going to Hell... (650 stories) - "Bloody Morphine I greeted my girlfriend's parents in the sterile lobby area at University Collage Hospital London. They looked tired. I looked tired…" - says SpankyHanky
Cougars and Sugar Daddies (405 stories) - "Getting a Marshmallow into a Piggybank. She was 46. I was 21. She had Bowie-esque angled features and a body not ruined by giving birth to her son, my…" - says trumplefahrt
Cringe! (783 stories) - "Licky licky About 10 years ago, I was at the dentists. I was laying there in the chair staring at the ceiling whilst he was using his instruments of t…" - says mugwump
Family codes and rituals (482 stories) - "Some family rituals are better cunted in the fuck Not a funny one. Throughout my childhood, the only male member of my father's side of the family …" - says Tourette's ( . )( . )
Procrastination (439 stories) - "I spent Sunday at home, in my pants, doing nothing ...well, up until around 11pm. My phone rang, which is weird since nobody EVER calls me. It came …" - says GONEism
Stuff I've found (683 stories) - "we found a troll. A group of friends decide to spend a day on acid, one of them doesn't want to partake and says he'll pop round and see them later wh…" - says drshipman
Eccentrics (417 stories) - "Was it him or was it me? I'm still not quite sure who was the nuttier person in this situation, you decide. Wiggly lines to simulate going back in…" - says Woofie
Tightwads (517 stories) - "My Bloody (Cheap) Valentine It was February 2006. I had been with my girlfriend for nearly four years. She was from Archangel in Northern Russia. She …" - says Boss Keloid
Common (908 stories) - "With apologies to Julie Andrews Big hoopy earrings and slag tags on mothers Corsas with alloys and lily-assed brovvaz annoying ring tones, played on…" - says Bicycle Repairman
Spoilt Brats (429 stories) - "Some years ago I had about 10 months of unemployment, back in the days of REAL recession, not this namby-pamby bankers-running out-of-cash-because-the…" - says Captain Placid
The nicest thing someone's ever done for me (493 stories) - "Sheer coincidence My brother died at the age of 39 from inoperable stomach and bowel cancer. He was a lot older than me, and had moved out and joined…" - says Leo Sasquatch
My sex misconceptions (469 stories) - "Three's a crowd My sex misconception was that having my first threesome would be a good idea. It didn’t happen by accident. One of my best mates, l…" - says chart cat
Food sabotage (493 stories) - "Booze (or not) Working in a pub you meet lots of nice people, unfortunately you also have to suffer more than your fair share of cockends. Now, I h…" - says monkeyboyalpha
Social Networking Gaffes (340 stories) - "Trannybo I am more of the email generation and wasn’t really down with the Facebook and Bebo thing until my mates pestered me to join Bebo. So I j…" - says powervator
Customers from Hell (721 stories) - "Not a customer from hell... ...but I worked for a greedy company from hell. An insurance/pensions company I won't name. Due to stock market shittin…" - says The Helpful Bear
Will you go out with me? (415 stories) - "My Childhood Sweetheart She had large brown eyes and long wavy hair worn in plaits tied with navy blue ribbons. When she smiled the room lit up an…" - says Stiff Richard
My most gullible moment (597 stories) - "I briefly felt a pang of guilt There was a young girl where I used to work who spent the day obviously upset about something, you know little tears an…" - says TriedItOnceAndDidn'tLikeIt
Thrown away: The stuff you loved and lost. (656 stories) - "Innocence Lost! If found, please call! You might think that alcohol is a wonderful thing. I used to too. However, I was forced to changed my opini…" - says Devil_In_Tights
Blood (490 stories) - "My balls came off! My friend, lets call him Mike, for that is blah blah. His girlfriend Jane tells this story quite nicely. I shall recall. Mike li…" - says I have run out of coke
Get Rich Quick (320 stories) - "Easy money? There is a simple formula, which goes thus: 1) Convince yourself that it's your right to be famous, by doing absolutely fuck all to des…" - says Davros' Granddad
Pointless Experiments (667 stories) - "The Tena for Women Assesment Test - (TWAT for short) Whilst having a conversation with one of my friends whilst 'slightly' inebriated, we were interu…" - says Spangulum
Best Films Ever (741 stories) - "Dave & I It was just a simple drinking game to go with watching an old favourite: Withnail & I. Keep up with Withnail, in essence, the bare essentials…" - says sorry.
Faking it (350 stories) - "I am a robotics genius (or so the Japanese think) A few years ago as a fresh faced graduate I a got my first “proper” job in a secondary school. The s…" - says PhillieJoe
Tales of the Unexplained (611 stories) - "The landlord and his dog I once knew a chap called Jim. Jim was a landlord who ran a small village pub with his wife Betty. They were a wonderful coup…" - says chart cat
My Biggest Disappointment (590 stories) - "I was 13 I was sitting in my bedroom overlooking the street. It was getting dark, but I was bored and listless and couldn't be arsed to get up to turn…" - says Bazongaloid Superfly SUMMER HOLIDAYS with a badger gonna GIT yo sucka!!!!
Advice from Old People (573 stories) - "I used to be a manager in a pub in South Yorks Everyday this old boy would come in and drink his Guinness and whiskey chasers. The female staff all h…" - says bennyhillslovechild
Accidental innuendo (1062 stories) - "Teacher gets owned by a 12 year old Unfortunately the teacher was me. A couple of years back I was teaching in a rather deprived area to say the leas…" - says knackerz
What's the hardest you've tried to get dumped? (320 stories) - "Three years. Before the nutcase mentioned in a previous QOTW (http://www.b3ta.com/questions/stalked/post119130 for the fun and hilarity) there was... …" - says Matoosh
Public Transport Trauma (492 stories) - "I am posting this for the Chav on the 163 Last year, during the Rugby world cup, I was on my local bus going to the pub to watch the England match. On…" - says KISS.ME.WHERE.I.POO
I Quit! (373 stories) - "Pretend suicide Now this turned out harsher than I expected, but seemed a cracking idea at the time. I was young, hacked off, and as young and hack…" - says twunt face
This book changed my life (677 stories) - "The big book of mischief The below happened when three or four months before my 16th Birthday. It must of taken at least an hour to download the tx…" - says KISS.ME.WHERE.I.POO
My most treasured possession (506 stories) - "my trunk It's an old wooden trunk of the kind taken to sea by sailors of yore. I keep it at the foot of my bed and it's stashed with a lifetime of cur…" - says frankspencer
Pet Peeves (1300 stories) - "Here's some actual stuff There are several issues I would like to address but I don’t have strong enough views on them each to fill a post and make it…" - says MJPerry
When Animals Attack (771 stories) - "The Attack of the Unimaginative Repeating Twat-Sloth .... Bastard thing has struck 4 times this year so far... I never usually stoop to this…" - says Humpty Dumpty was Pushed
Kids (817 stories) - "I have little day to day contact with children but one instance that does stick in the mind happened a few months ago. I was at my desk wading thr…" - says Leonard Hatred
Phobias (1082 stories) - "The smell of baby oil gives me the shivers And if you want the story why... (It is a repost, but the QOTW ain't exactly thrilling my cotton socks o…" - says Pavlov's Frog
DIY disasters (354 stories) - "Expandy Foam, Part II After my exciting tale of foam-based trouble, www.b3ta.com/questions/diy/post137148 comes this story of woe. A friend of mine…" - says Cawl
Shit Stories: Part Number Two (616 stories) - "Glycerol Explosions If there's ever a question that calls for TMI, this is it. Normally, I'm a reasonably regular kind of guy. No problems down the…" - says calamarain
Your first cigarette (502 stories) - "Ending The Smoking Debate If, like me, you're a staunch non-smoker tired of hearing the (unprompted) rantings of smokers over their right to smoke, do…" - says Orin
Guilty Pleasures, part 2 (730 stories) - "running up the stairs using my hands as well as my feet LOVE IT!!" - says zulu
How nerdy are you? (765 stories) - "Time To Grow Up And Get Married I could bore you all with thrilling tails of BBC Micro programming, mobile phone USSD commands, obscure Mornington Cre…" - says terryeden
Have you ever seen a dead body? (475 stories) - "Back when I was young little ape I was exploring my friends back garden (snigger) looking for treasure/porn/buried civil war swords. We were, all i…" - says Goose!
Karma (370 stories) - "greed One Christmas I was investigating the fridge when I discovered a huge bowl of brandy butter. I was about to reap the rewards of my find, when…" - says browser
I witnessed a crime (514 stories) - "Not my story... ...but one of my favourites. Many years ago, some of my friends used to do the rubber-sword live action RP - dressing up as orcs an…" - says davywavy
Mix Tapes (441 stories) - "No woman, no cry /pop/un-lurks. Hi there, I’ve been lurking almost a year now, trying to get up the bottle to post my one and only story worth te…" - says A Bean Countin' Man
Stalked (333 stories) - "My tale, and the guilt that follows My first ever b3ta post, after I registered specifically so I could tell this tale. I was once a stalker and it…" - says TalkbackStuck
Bastard Colleagues (466 stories) - "Directors and Managers are by far the worst. This is simply a rant about directors and managers who think themselves higher than royalty, higher than …" - says Miggyman
Hotel Splendido (381 stories) - "Scotland?! I've just remembered this Many moons ago I had to go to the Isle of Bute in the wintertime for a very boring acoustic survey of a cheese fa…" - says Captain Placid
Shoplifting (484 stories) - "Shoplift... Storeslift.. its all the same Sport. Worked in engineering stores of a West Sussex based airline, they go belly up owing me a months wages…" - says Eeeza bit Tidy
Cheap Tat (468 stories) - "My dutch bike I spent part of my university years at the Universiteit Leiden, in Holland. Now Holland is even bigger on bikes than Oxford or Cambridge…" - says Doomladen
Dumb things you've done (780 stories) - "Some people shouldn't be allowed to teach This was recalled by someone much earlier telling tales of scientists doing stupid things. For my sins, I…" - says ousgg
Evil Pranks (566 stories) - "The Game About 5 years ago, I was entrusted with the task of looking after my sister's cats over the new year while she and her boyfriend spent a mont…" - says roidoid
Accidental animal cruelty (618 stories) - "Bimbo and the bowl. This story concerns two friends of my parents; Nick and Jill. Nick is a good humoured guy of great patience. Jill is extremely …" - says Generator
Pathological Liars (550 stories) - "Seats on the Tube First some background. A few years ago, I came off my motorbike and ripped a chunk out of my knee. All superficial damage, but …" - says Kaer
Political Correctness Gone Mad (643 stories) - "My Son's Dog. A couple of years ago I got my son, who was six at the time, a dog. I’d read something about children who get brought up with pets being…" - says spangledonkey
Desperate Times (367 stories) - "I'm just a two bit whore... Regular QOTWeekers will notice a common theme in many of my postings. That being that I am monumentally, catastrophically …" - says Rakky (forgot her password)
Abusing freebies (387 stories) - "Wet Snacks Long time listener, first time caller. I was DJing at a wedding a number of years back in a very small town in Scotland, about 2 miles f…" - says Cheeses of Nazareth
Stupid Dares (326 stories) - "This one's from a while ago. I was on the pool team. We were fairly rubbish, but had bonded well, and spent a fair few hours in the pub together. Wh…" - says Occulus
Expensive Mistakes (338 stories) - "I.T. is a minefield for expensive mistakes There's so many different ways to screw up. The best you can hope for in a support role is to be invisible.…" - says chart cat
Conned (469 stories) - "Did I win or not? Picture the scene… Bristol Temple Meads station, wino-smack head approaches and says, 'Mate, I'm short of my train fare home, can…" - says JeffTheDogFucker
Voyeurism (395 stories) - "Recently I saw a fat, hairy, odd-looking man wanking whilst watching me when I was naked in the bathroom. . . . Oh, it was a mirror." - says sir_spicious2000
Insults (1474 stories) - "The B3ta Guide to sweary Insults 101 Right then children, are we sitting comfortably? Good, then I’ll begin. The general tried and trusted insult ty…" - says Pooflake
The Dirty Secrets of Your Trade (688 stories) - "I murdered a director I used to work for a company that was run by academics. Marketing types would ring speculatively and, being academics, they hate…" - says Jugular
Being told off as an adult (453 stories) - "Act of God! We live on a cul-de-sac on a typical 60's housing estate, it's a great place to live, the dozen or so kids are not glue sniffing ASBO's, a…" - says turtles head is touching cloth
Personal Ads (786 stories) - "Match.com I wanted to use the Kasey Chambers song title (yes, I know!) "If I were you, I would notice me" as my headline. It cut me off, so hotties…" - says setimret
Too much information (439 stories) - "Ahh, festival bogs T'was the summer of 1999, and my first ever Leeds Festival was in full swing. It was ace lazing around, watching bands, getting sh…" - says Droog
Guilty Secrets (538 stories) - "I ruined a kids day trip As an experienced traveller of buses, I feel that I have gained a invaluable insight into the problems of public transport. T…" - says Furness
Sleepwalking (848 stories) - "Got a great one I woke up to hear some stranger noises coming from downstairs at an old girlfriend's place. I went halfway down the stairs to find…" - says Donkey Gums
Terrible Parenting (602 stories) - "Dont fuck with lawyers My dad is a partner in a smallish law firm. He loves nothing better than annoying people and suppliers who piss him off, nothin…" - says I have run out of coke
Why should you be fired from your job? (357 stories) - "Repost (so don't bother clicking "I like this"), but it did well last time so enjoy... I should have been fired (or at least disciplined). 5 years …" - says Colonel Dracula
Family Holidays (280 stories) - "Dad's cock We were early teens when my folks took me and my brother to Las Vegas on holiday. Obviously being too young for cocktails and bankruptcy at…" - says R. Jimlad
Council Cunts (451 stories) - "Have you been trapped in the relentless petty minded bureaucracy of your local council? No, but these council workers will soon realise they have been…" - says turtles head is touching cloth
I Drank Meths (pointless teenage things you did to shock) (354 stories) - ""I bet you won't" "Really? I bet I will!" ***************************** Two friends and I were in the woods, as usual shooting bunnies for the l…" - says Humpty Dumpty was Pushed
* PFFT * (549 stories) - "Gurning out a rectal-puff in a supermarket is not big, nor clever, yet quite amusing. I was strolling through Tescos with my trolly and suddenly I fel…" - says Captn Hood-Butter
Crazy Relatives (487 stories) - "the adorable sweetness of my granddad's brainwrongness My granddad used to leave pudding out in the garden. Slightly mental in itself, of course. …" - says Confused, would we?
Why I was late (438 stories) - "Oktoberfest From: $Manager Sent: Donnerstag, 28. September 2006 12:29 To: REC Subject: Re: Where are you?! REC, its already noon and you have no…" - says ReallyEvilCanine
What's the most horrific thing you've seen? (609 stories) - "Oh dear lord, dear lord above This is a story from my dad, and it is so gruesome it gives me an instant headache and the cold shivers whenever I think…" - says Northern Lovely
The worst sex I ever had (529 stories) - "Fishy Mimsy.. and absoloutly NOT for the reason you'd expect... Despite having slept with terrible shags, potato-sack stylee lovers, people who raked …" - says Humpty Dumpty was Pushed
Pet Stories (548 stories) - "My cat Leonard He's got to be in with a shout of being the best cat ever. Shortly after moving into our house in 2000, Ex-Mrs PJM and I decided t…" - says Bicycle Repairman
Mistaken Identity (594 stories) - "Mistaken Identity I was once at a foam party at a club in Leeds. As the foam got thicker I wondered drukardly further into the depths to see if I coul…" - says Furness
And that's the thanks I got (230 stories) - "I should have put the phone down... I am sorry to all those saddled with mad bosses, and rubbish jobs. Mine is great. I'm on the radio. No I really am…" - says rockers74
Terrible food (599 stories) - "Badger badger badger, mushroom mushroom! This is one of the most horrible stories I have ever heard. It features, as you can guess, Students and Badge…" - says 71 hour Ahmed
Work Experience (369 stories) - "Seven days make one weak... From the bowels of Lincolnshire, I was the only person in my school year to get work experience down in London. Everyone w…" - says jangle
Best Graffiti Ever (1373 stories) - "Street signs! Recontextualising such a common fixture as a street sign has a huge effect. It is simultaneously inconspicuous and memorable. I w…" - says Random Ferret
Well, that taught 'em (401 stories) - "I Do a Performance course at University And there's this one girl who is possibly the laziest little bugger on the planet. She never pays attention in…" - says __
We have to talk (351 stories) - "They fuck me up, his mum and dad... I'd been going out with my then boyfriend for nearly a year. Two days after both going out to Israel to start our…" - says Hampster Squared
Mad Stuff You've Done To Get Someone To Sleep With You (414 stories) - "I'll let you into a little secret. You know that fit bird on the dancefloor you’d die to knob? She's spent hours slimming, toning, waxing, plucking, b…" - says no way hose
Housemates from hell (374 stories) - "Bob's epiphany. It has been alleged that in a shared house in Birmingham there lived four people. Two were a couple (M&F) and there were two others. O…" - says Captain Placid
Childhood Ambitions (416 stories) - "Comedy Gold I had all the usual ambitions as a child; footballer, astronaut, milkshake tester, professional strip poker player, being Mr. T, sex pest,…" - says Gleeballs
Personal Hygiene (573 stories) - "Me tits hurt I have one for you all. A mate of mine is a real, honest-to-dog doctor. At the beginning of his career, he acted as a locum doctor in G…" - says lustfish
Cross Dressing (329 stories) - "The things kids say... I was obliged to escort a young cousin about town one day. The little lad was from the countryside and had led a very sheltere…" - says frankspencer
Strict Parents (476 stories) - "They feck you up, your mum and dad When I was younger, my parents wouldn't let me wear any low-cut tops, miniskirts, heels, makeup or even decent ling…" - says mochyn
Picky Eaters (843 stories) - "Mince I used to work with a guy. Lenny. I’m not saying he was tight but . . . duck’s posterior doesn’t do him justice. Single, never married, as rich…" - says SalRossi
When were you last really scared? (477 stories) - "the shame At uni we did this: Grabbed a mate from behind and put a sack over his head, and tied him up. He had no idea who we were. We were very ag…" - says I have run out of coke
Ripped Off (496 stories) - "Divorce Lawyers..... I'm sure I can't be the only one with a story like this: I'm in the midst of getting divorced. It's all amicable, we've agreed…" - says Sammyhaswoefullyneglectedyou
Spoooky Coincidence (515 stories) - "Car-incidence Friend of my mum's, called Cassie (so not me, but it's such a freakishly coincidental coincidence it quite frankly terrifies me) Long…" - says Northern Lovely
Other people's diaries (310 stories) - "My Brother Myself and my brother never got on. Hate each other with a passion, and still do. So that's why I came up with this little bit of cruel…" - says Kaer
My first experience of porn (453 stories) - "Operation: Buy Porn Buying porn mags from newsagents was one of the scariest things a young man had to go through. You internet-generation kids will n…" - says SqueakyG
The Weird Kid In Class (526 stories) - "From my mate Alex I'd like to tell you about a childhood friend of mine, who upon reflection was very strange, but at the time was the best friend a…" - says Donkey Gums
My Collection (439 stories) - "Hmmmmmmm... Nescafe As a kid, my brother once tried collecting his farts. He approached the whole business quite scientifically; for a maladjusted…" - says geegee
Failed (388 stories) - "failed commando Story from the old man. Apparently aged 14 and out with his school on a camping trip. The man in charge is their ex-army PE instruc…" - says Darth Vegas
Where is the strangest place you have slept? (526 stories) - "On a very large pile of lego there's nothing quite like waking up, half drunk, half hungover, looking in the mirror and seeing the word ogel imprinted…" - says Bert Monkeysex
Secret Santa (246 stories) - "OK. One more time ... There's a girl in my office who's been flirting with me for weeks. It started with smiles, then progressed to tight blouses, t…" - says frankspencer
School Trips (457 stories) - "Please, Miss! You're on my cock! It was a geography trip to a local forest to show us how deciduous trees grow, or some such shite. The only good th…" - says frankspencer
Body Mods (303 stories) - "I used to be into Black Metal My name back then was "Doom Master" (changed by deed poll) and I was completely committed to Darkness. That's why I did…" - says frankspencer
Debt pron (393 stories) - "Debt vs Physics Is it called an Electron card because it incurs charges, yet carries no weight?" - says Jack Rarebit
Beautiful but Bonkers (344 stories) - "Crazy Sex Calls and a Trip to Scotland It's a long one. Eighteen months ago or so, I was near completing an A Level English course. There was a shy…" - says __
Going Too Far (449 stories) - "i'm going to hell. have just stagered gome af sast as i can from party still very drunk it's 1:16 am here. have just shagged my mate's girlfriend o…" - says Humpty Dumpty was Pushed
Dentists (382 stories) - "A Riposte I am a dentist and I feel that a response to some of your tales (some of which sound rather overly elaborated) is required; 1) Many o…" - says Calfderno
Not Losing Your Virginity (300 stories) - "My first love Lucy and I were inseparable. We used to go for long walks together and I'd spend hours stroking her back, which she loved. She was absol…" - says Beve The Spaniard
Useless advice (591 stories) - "....mmmm creamy On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - "WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?"" - says Darth Vegas
Road Rage (490 stories) - "JUST got off the phone to my Dad He was in Jewsons (the builders' merchant) when some spastic in a massive pickup (a new Mitsubishi Warrior, in immac…" - says Grrrmachine
My Greatest Regrets (427 stories) - "every time I get horny (when I'm single and at home), I download porn. And each time I tell myself I'll make a porn folder and keep the best ones on…" - says apeloverage
Inappropriate crushes (568 stories) - "Ahem.. Speaking from my very own mouth, I can tell you that I’m quite the heterosexual man. I love women. I love their bodies. I love kissing women on…" - says The Horizontal Monster Mash
Oldies vs Computers (341 stories) - "different skills My Nana can't send an email with an attachment, but she can......grow veg and cook her own food from scratch, wire a plug, remember e…" - says turtles head is touching cloth
Unexpected Good Fortune (324 stories) - "Well, I was surprised, anyhow I went on an date with someone I'd been chatting to on an internet dating thing - and found Mrs. God. We're still happi…" - says purplegod
The Worst Journey in the World (382 stories) - "Virgin Sorry folks. Long story coming……… A while back I used to live in Manchester but work in London so it meant a weekly commute down to the smok…" - says Legless
Barred (313 stories) - "Free CD bonanza A bit of a geeky one this… I'm still (6 years on) barred from buying anything from Amazon.co.uk, when I enter my address it mysterious…" - says Son of Sam-i-am
DIY fashion (275 stories) - "not so much a fashion disaster As something really cool, but only to people who are themselves fashion disasters. " - says apeloverage
Apparently I'm a sex offender (302 stories) - "This still makes me cringe I was drunk on a train from Waterloo, and there were a couple of women opposite me that were clearly partners. One was a lo…" - says browser
Running away (197 stories) - "I don't want the navy treatment My dad was in the navy and was quite strict with me and my brothers (mainly because we were a bunch of hyperactive sod…" - says Squirter
Encounters with Royalty (328 stories) - "Prince William stole my job I had just finished a Masters course & was desperate to get work experience on a research project called Shoals of Caprico…" - says daytripper
Intense Friendships (150 stories) - "Cock tape I knew two guys at my school who sellotaped their cocks together at the end. THAT'S JUST WRONG!!!" - says Normanator
Restaurants, Kitchens and Bars... Oh my! (278 stories) - "Haai-yaah Refreshingly clean story: at the end of the night in a busy 'Brewers Fayre' style pub restaurant, my sister and I were carrying large towers…" - says kidcamel
I hurt my rude bits (452 stories) - "Y-front Kerplunk... Years back when my kid bro was 3 or 4, he had the great idea of seeing just how many marbles he could fit in his pants. Dunno wha…" - says tinpixel
Lies I told on my CV (189 stories) - "CVs! I occasionally have to do the technical interviews for people who want to come and work with whatever company I'm at so I see a lot of CVs. Sa…" - says Legless
Rock and Roll Stories (360 stories) - "You either love him or hate him... Yes, I have been in a band but never really had any truly “Rock and Roll” experiences (apart from a Derek Smalls in…" - says Mr Evian
The most cash I've ever carried (297 stories) - "Last week... ...I went out with a big wad of Euros to buy eleven French impressionist paintings that I'd wanted for a long time. Afterwards, I notice…" - says Olembe
Mugged (360 stories) - "don't mug yourself I work in Hackney. This place is where good muggers go when they die. Too many stories. The best was when I was waiting for a bu…" - says sadler
Awesome Sickies (302 stories) - "Reverse Sickies Last time I wanted a sickie, I was actually SICK...! Start of a bad headache and I tells wifey - "Shit, don't feel good. Head is pound…" - says Sir Jester
Missing body parts (340 stories) - "My frontal lobe No not that one you filthy minded cretins, the rather important part of your brain. Back when I still lived with my mum, I was sitt…" - says Bellamy's Enemy
Never Meet Your Heroes (511 stories) - "I had tea with that Brian Blessed once…. About 15 years ago my mate Bruce and I had a mutual friend who knew Brian Blessed’s daughter (Rosalind) and f…" - says Hedonister
Worst Nicknames Ever (954 stories) - "Sticks and stones (and coathangers) It was pointed out by a "friend" a couple of years back that I look like a foetus (small features, big forehead.) …" - says jennymnemonic
Putting the Fun in Funeral (357 stories) - "Dad had died... his coffin was brought back to the house... ... so people could pay their last respects. During the last weeks as he was sedated b…" - says Error 404 - Username Unknown
Ignoring Instructions (389 stories) - "DONT ABUSE CATS During my first few years of childhood - I had a lot of fun with cats. I was always bollocked for doing things with cats. I rememb…" - says Chicken Skin Bag
Crap meals out (402 stories) - "Every sodding family meal since the age of six... ...my Dad feels the compelling need to trot out his array of "hilarious" restaurant jokes. Someon…" - says R. Jimlad
Messing with the Dark Side (326 stories) - "Adramelech! When I was about 11, I borrowed a book from the local library called 'The Devils of D-Day' - a book on how the allies called upon supernat…" - says squirrels emit silent screams
Teenage Parties (404 stories) - "age is everything Used to have a fantastic mate called Rosie, and we were round her house having a few beers and a laugh. Anyway, a friend of mine was…" - says jiggling_john
Heckles (582 stories) - "Not mine. A friend of mine went to a Comedy club in Birmingham somewhere. A drunk bloke at the front kept interrupting the stand-up turn who was appar…" - says Rotating Wobbly Hat
School Sports Day (292 stories) - "third leg Remember the three-legged race? Aged about 15 I got tied to the best looking girl in the year for an inter-school sports day. She gave me…" - says Boss Killer
In the Army Now - The joy of the Armed Forces (276 stories) - "Please remind yourselves that i was 14 and it was cadets. Drill Instructor - Get up the rope! Me. - Sir, i cannot get up the rope, Sir! Drill In…" - says I'm a schmuck, i did a schmucky thing.
I met a weirdo on the interweb (248 stories) - "Looking to find other musicians I used to have a few songs up on MP3.com - way back in 1999. A couple of years later I was still getting emails thr…" - says Seebeedee
School fights (421 stories) - "Full Beanbag Jacket Picture the scene: A quiet little borough of South London, and an equally quiet junior school, whose crowning achievement was…" - says Danage
Airport Stories (353 stories) - "I was traumatised for life Last year In an act of desperation I took a contract job in Saudi Arabia. After hearing all sorts of rumours I was pretty w…" - says Mong The Merciless
Sacked (306 stories) - "i was sacked for being a shit, but a proud one I used to work for a chain of pubs, Yates, and basically was a pump jockey for a couple of weeks until …" - says lunus
Child Labour (271 stories) - "We wish you a merry pissmas A few of us tykes used to go carol singing round our council estate each December. Lots of very nice people gave us sweets…" - says Soapy Norris
My computer gave away my secrets (279 stories) - "Apologies to my 12-year-old nephew On google autocomplete whilst on his computer: billy and mandy rude pics bitch boner boobs breists cock co…" - says Naive Amoeba
Accidentally Erotic (416 stories) - "Preliminary Oral Exams for my PhD VERY stressful! I studied for months. I was to go before six full professors who would decide if I was good enough…" - says setimret
Join us... come join the cult (207 stories) - "What a question... Yes I've been part of a cult. I may as well tell you the story from the top. Cast your minds back to a time when you were 18, j…" - says jim_bob
Have you ever paid for sex? (263 stories) - "Well, I Suppose Yes... A few years ago a bunch of Mancs and me, the token Geordie went over to Amsterdam for a mates Stag Night. We had a cracking wee…" - says Legless
Fancy Dress (303 stories) - "This year I dressed as ... Or here if that image is blocked." - says chobb
Urban Legends (523 stories) - "I Didn't Have The Foggiest! I have relatives who live in Blackpool and so have visited the lovely (charvery) place many, many times throughout my life…" - says Gleeballs
Panic Buying (153 stories) - "Two years ago, my dad called to say he and my mum were 'popping round' as she really wated to see me on her birthday and I "hadn't bothered" to call i…" - says grey kid
It's not me, it's the drugs talking (529 stories) - "At Leeds festival a couple of years ago we were standing towards the back of the crowd, watching The Strokes. I say 'watching'; I couldn't really see …" - says grey kid
Birthdays (223 stories) - "19th birthday Had my 19th birthday while I was at Keele University and, by a happy coincidence, the same day there was a bash on at the student union …" - says calibrax
On the stage (245 stories) - "Aged 15, a 600-strong audience of peers, and a trombone Solo. Put yourself in my position. Here's a moment from my past. Imagine for one moment tha…" - says Humpty Dumpty was Pushed
Shame (460 stories) - "Paying The Bill My most shameful moment, without a shadow of a doubt, occurred roughly ten years ago. To cut a massive story slightly shorter, growing…" - says Gleeballs
Cheating cheaty cheats (268 stories) - "I was friends with a massive cheater at school but he got chucked out for eating gazelles behind the bike sheds." - says grey kid
Your Weirdest Teacher (603 stories) - "wales v england it's not wierd, but it deserves an honourable mention... Two English teachers, one specialising in Language, the other Literature. …" - says niceandwarmandhot
Fire! (452 stories) - "flaming bosoms never try and ignite a dodgy hob whilst wearing a dressing gown. fancying a breakfast fry-up, I turned on the gas, pushed the ignit…" - says biscuitbiscuit
Essential Items (441 stories) - "Lucky Silver Dollar I was given an American Silver dollar by my dad when i was young. I carry it with me everywhere. When i was in Baghdad a couple of…" - says Thursday Sugar Bowl
My first love (305 stories) - "It's another true love story (well it's TRUE at least) OK, so most people put this at the end, but Apologies for length - here goes: She was just a…" - says Amos E Wolfe
The passive-aggressive guilt trip (165 stories) - "Don't trouble yourselves clicking 'I Like This!' I've decided I don't want to win this week's question so don't bother voting for me. Sure it would be…" - says Gleeballs
Misunderstood (331 stories) - "I apologise and assure you I will no longer submit long, nonsensical answers In the light of last week's QOTW, in which several b3tans took the opport…" - says stusut79
Pretentious bollocks (411 stories) - " I would post a story, but I prefer to express myself through the medium of dance." - says Elizabeth Duke at Argos
The Police (348 stories) - "the price of death i was merrily cycling my way to my first job, in the pitch dark at 4 in the morning. whilst darting off the pavement i cut up jam …" - says furey
Posh (410 stories) - "Nice to see you - to see you WIIIIIGGG!!! Once upon a time, a friend and I rented a place for a year in the self-proclaimed "richest town in Britain",…" - says Soapy Norris
Take my Mother-in-law... (217 stories) - "I wish she was mine!!! I'm not allowed to have a mother-in-law on account of me being 'an horrific bender(tm)' so instead I can only tell you about my…" - says Gleeballs
Toilets (558 stories) - "Barium Shits. Years ago I was diagnosed with a stomach ulcer and had to go for hospital for tests, the main one being a Barium Meal. Now this is a …" - says Legless
Scary Neighbours (400 stories) - "Student Neighbours A long, long time ago in a galaxy, far, far away. I was living in Manchester and having an absolute whale of a time. It was du…" - says Legless
Injured Siblings (424 stories) - "I confess... When I was seven years of age, I used to beg my mother for a little brother or sister. My main reason, at the time, was that I desperatel…" - says stusut79
Teenage Poetry (407 stories) - "Not My Pancreas Why, oh why, oh why Do the girls not talk to me? Is it my ears? They droop. The lobes are prominent Like bulbous, fleshy eardogs.…" - says stusut79
Crappy Prizes (393 stories) - "Grab A Grot Me and my sidekick, Denty, used to often go out on the pull in Manchester. When I say often I mean every night except Thursdays and Sunday…" - says Legless
Weird Traditions (541 stories) - "Weird tradition of mine Every time I see a herd of cows I always say to whoever is with me "look a flock of cows" and await the response of "herd of c…" - says creeper
That's when I knew it was over... (390 stories) - "that's when it SHOULD have been over... ... if i had any sense. those of you who bother to read the drivel i post on here will know that i am on-ag…" - says rachelswipe
Weddings (299 stories) - "This image is still burned onto my retinas.... Mate of mine was marrying his lovely Italian girlfriend in her home country. Her folks were very devo…" - says scunnydelight
Stupid Tourists (803 stories) - "Overheard in dublin: Two lost overweight North Americans wandering O'Connell Street looking for somewhere on the southside, looking confused. Wife…" - says WhoElse
Hidden Treasure (395 stories) - "Found in my attic a very nice aluminium baseball bat which has been waved at the local chavs to keep them in line from time to time. I left some tr…" - says boltneck
I'm an expert (548 stories) - "i quite good at typing the letter T, for example: TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT TTTT…" - says tyler198125
Now, there was no need for that... (317 stories) - "Bloody animals... I had just split up with my boyfriend of 4 years. Even though it was the right thing to do, it was quite traumatic. Having had 'th…" - says clapper
I was drunk when I bought this (376 stories) - "*sigh* I bought a swede for 3p from my local tesco express on my way home from an afternoon session. Then I drew a face on it. Then I wrote "steve the…" - says TopUpTheTea
When animals attack... (609 stories) - "I used to come home from work most nights and find my flatmate playing Quake 2 on the PC in my bedroom. As these were generally clan matches I would n…" - says Jay
The Onosecond (385 stories) - "Spoofing SMS Not a lot of people know how to do this so I'll share. A couple of years ago I was involved in a start-up company (alright, I owned th…" - says Legless
When I met the parents (379 stories) - "1st time I met my girlfriend's parents there was a barrage of intense questioning within seconds of arriving "Have you slept with Julie yet?" "Do …" - says Zak McFlimby
Jobsworths (430 stories) - "Reading Rock In the early 80's I used to attend the Reading Rock Festival every year. It used to be the highlight of my year, a week of stoned pissed …" - says Legless
Petty Sabotage (608 stories) - "Not me, but a school friend of my dad's.... Back in the 50's during my dad's school days there was no such thing as borstal and ASBO's and japery was …" - says TooMuch2AM
How I Skive Off Work (389 stories) - "skive, yet still be the most productive member of staff they have... erm, i was meant to be on the weekend shift... i arrived yesterday 15 mins lat…" - says professor honky
It was a great holiday, but... (318 stories) - "Dad's cock We were early teens when my folks took me and my brother to Las Vegas on holiday. Obviously being too young for cocktails and bankruptcy at…" - says R. Jimlad
The last thing that made me cry (601 stories) - "Dyslecsia I have a lot of problems due to my dyslexia, such as reading things. But I was close to tears when I found out Popeye had died last week. Lu…" - says RandomTwat
Guilty Pleasures (737 stories) - "Utterly Childish and Pointless I take great joy in bumping into people who wear camouflage gear - t-shirts, caps, trousers etc, and then apologising t…" - says Strangey
I just don't get it (883 stories) - "Toast My mother was useless in the kitchen. When I was about 10, I honestly thought you made toast by putting it under the grill until it turns bla…" - says Legless
Walkman Flashbacks (414 stories) - "Relax by Frankie Goes To Hollywood always makes me cringe I used to have very long hair, half way down my back. On my 35th birthday, my missus said sh…" - says peewee13
Useless Information (1217 stories) - "Wearing out the b3ta website Clicking the "I like this" link below ten times in a row makes the b3ta website show a secret message about wear and tear…" - says Fr_Jerry_McGwier
Beautiful Moments (447 stories) - "It was a beautiful, crisp morning in a camp-site near Rothbury, Northumberland. I awoke to the sound of birds singing and the invigorating feeling of …" - says Zak McFlimby
Losing Your Virginity (402 stories) - "First time, brown wings and firearms My old University mate Doug lost his cherry to a girl he had met in his local while his parents were on holiday. …" - says Catchag
Claims to Fame (830 stories) - "The Bill Until recently and for my sins I used to watch the Bill on ITV with my wife every week. In 2003 they introduced this a new WPC into the seri…" - says Catchag
Little things that turn you on (633 stories) - "Sshhhh... Whispering. I don't know why, but when women whisper it makes me go all wobbly. I suppose it has to do with the necessity of closeness & …" - says moonjam
Look! It's me in the Local Paper (262 stories) - "I suppose this should go in really! :o)" - says The Boy T
Scars with history (530 stories) - "Wanking Nightmare. I posted this months ago... I now re-post with more scar detail. I never realised that the 'cock rings' that I regularly saw in …" - says Humpty Dumpty was Pushed
Singing the wrong words (667 stories) - "Clarkie's Gay Beatles Songs My mate Clarkie has devoted many childishly wonderful hours to altering the titles of Beatles songs so that they're, well,…" - says BobbyParadise
Job Interviews (313 stories) - "Hemipenis! Twas applying for a desk job once, and the interviewer was a good sort, nice sense of humour. Interviewer: What animal would you like to…" - says DarkLite
Black Sheep (161 stories) - "black sheep It should really be my sister since it came out last year that she had starred in some amateur hardcore videos.. However, it turns out …" - says Aleister Crowleys Badger
Pure Ignorance (1043 stories) - "Chat up lines My flatmate's bosses son came to stay with us in Bermondsey, South London - he was an 18 year old from Los Angeles. He was unbelievably …" - says browser
My Christmas Nightmare (127 stories) - "True but tasteless paramedic humor... Was near the end of a ten-hour shift last Christmas Day and was all ready to head home to unwrap pressies with t…" - says emadex
Office Christmas Parties (240 stories) - "Humbug I use to write porn for a 24 hour text message service. I'm a man, but I'd pretend very convincingly to be a woman as I replied to men paying p…" - says pb4ugo2bed
Childhood bad taste (387 stories) - "LEGO: Rantus Maximus. The bastards... Everywhere I go I see lego sets with "special shapes" and Specificly shaped parts.... model "technic lego" cars …" - says Humpty Dumpty was Pushed
Lost... (297 stories) - "Doh... I once found a £20 quid note on the floor of a bar next to my feet...in my glee i treated everyone to a round of lovely cocktails. Only when i…" - says Smartie
Near Death Experiences (353 stories) - "Grenade! My mate Jez went to Spain on his holidays. Instead of bringing back a fluffy donkey in a sombrero, he brought back a Civil War surplus German…" - says Scaryduck
Premonitions (317 stories) - "My good how odd Well i had this dream where I was typing on my keyboard for this amusing forum and my house blew up and then I fo" - says stefd
You're a moviestar baby (406 stories) - "gay, but not in a happy way. Last week, those two gay Scottish interior designers were filming in the house across the road from my flat. They were fi…" - says Jeeves
Obscure Memorabilia (422 stories) - "You know you're getting old when you're too slow to post your reply to the latest question of the week" - says born sleepy
Evidence that you're getting old (627 stories) - "/unlurks 1. 6:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to sleep. 2. Having sex in a single bed is absurd. 3. You keep more food than beer in th…" - says Grey Triggerfish
My Worst Date (270 stories) - "Argh, the memories!! =( I remember in my first year of college, I got my first proper boyfriend. On the start of the second week I was brought to meet…" - says owain2002
Out of my depth (235 stories) - "More Military Humiliation To "boost" morale for the troops stationed in the middle of the desert with a ratio of 6,000 men to 1 woman, the Commanding …" - says Igneous
Things you've done when you've had no money. (225 stories) - "It's a good thing none of you know who I am No money? A girl? (Or not so finicky boy?) Simple! Blow jobs. They're fast, easy, no mess if you dodge …" - says TDub
Strange things you've been paid to do (248 stories) - "rats! ooh and my animal loving flatmate was most excited to be given the job of looking after the university rats at kcl. she came home in tears t…" - says rachelswipe
Shoddy Presents (333 stories) - "Sent, not received My family lived in France for 4 years before returning to Scotland, so we would keep in touch with our french friends through the o…" - says Flurble
Local Nutters (568 stories) - "The Cowboy I went to uni at Wolverhampton, and there was a bloke who wandered around in a full cowboy outfit (big hat, leather chaps, waistcoat, guns,…" - says Zak McFlimby
World's Sickest Joke (2375 stories) - "I offended someone with this: I was in a pub and told the following joke: What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath? Throw your cloth…" - says <>Dog
Embarrassing Injuries (442 stories) - "Arse Rip I was a first year university student at Derby university, England, when this happened. Me and three mates were enjoying a bright sunny afte…" - says bobba
People with Stupid Names (822 stories) - "I once met a guy whose name sounded very much like a rather rude part of the human body, but I can't for the life of me remember what it was. Rest ass…" - says TV's Nosemonkey
My Worst Vomit (499 stories) - "Nobody vomits like a kid vomits..... About five years ago, our eldest daughter - who was about two at the time - came toddling into the living room lo…" - says Desolation Angel
World's Most Hated Food (675 stories) - "I live in Sweden..... ... and it pains me to tell you this, but I have eaten "SurStrömming". Sprouts are like cadbury's chocolate... and Smoked Eel (…" - says Humpty Dumpty was Pushed
Have you ever been dumped in a spectacular way? (211 stories) - "since you ask.. To quote my hopefully soon to be ex-wife, "It's not so much I've been sleeping with another man, more sort of....men...oh and you need…" - says mooglemania
Stuff You've Overheard (359 stories) - "Some More Bus Fun... It was two years ago on the 'park and ride' bus coming back from college in the evening. I had wisely decided to sit at the back,…" - says damndirtyape
My Wanking Disasters (334 stories) - "Working in Tesco's a few years back, there was a particularly 'special' trolley boy named Sean. He was 34 and had been working as trolley boy for abou…" - says moonjam
Mini Cabs From Hell (166 stories) - "Small blue tablets and a red Ferrari: Where the hell was I? Somewhere in the north I think. OK, imagine the cabbie is a northerner: Cabbie: "Do …" - says Your Mum
Your Greatest Dilemmas (107 stories) - "Dear Tania, I think my friend Rob is on crack. He's asked b3tans to write questions to you and *not* take the piss. What signs should I look for, and …" - says SpunkyBackpack
Your Revenge Stories (241 stories) - ". A few years ago my girlfriend dumped me via the phone. I went to my room and cried and cried like a little girl. That showed her." - says moonjam
Shit Stories (500 stories) - "My cat once ate a 6 foot-long piece of red and green string, which it couldn't completely crap out. There i was, sitting in my living room, and my cat…" - says cheesemaster
Best Comebacks (398 stories) - "Below the belt! A friend of mine had an argument with his Dad.He called him an "old bastard".His Dad replied with"I would have sexually abused you as …" - says chuffster
Foot in Mouth Syndrome (361 stories) - "Once on a medical work experience thing my group was being shown about autopsy procedure, Our cadaver for the day was a young lad in an orange anorak …" - says The Doctor
Have you ever been rude to a celebrity? (288 stories) - "Stephen Hawking Not all that rude, not me, but still funny. A few years ago at Oxford Uni, my housemate was given the task of looking after Stephen…" - says Biffins Bridge
Inventions You're Too Lazy To Make (213 stories) - "Nuclear Wombles Womble eggs are injected with special radioactive waste and then left in prime locations (such as Iraq, Libya or France) The Wombli…" - says ccc
Impromptu Games You Play (455 stories) - "Yes, but is it art? Got rather bored at an Art Deco exhibition my Mum took me along to at the V&A museum. Started to play 'Yes, But Is It Art?' …" - says microsaulxp
Booze Related Disasters (166 stories) - "Oh me, oh my I'm sure you all remember the North American Eastern seaboard being in a total blackout last august. well, my friend and I assumed that t…" - says Human
Old People Talk Bollocks (198 stories) - "My Grandma loudly & proudly sang... ... a full rendition of 'Ching Chong Chinaman' in a Thai restaurant once. What made it more jaw-droppingly hor…" - says microsaulxp
Have you ever started a fire? (361 stories) - "Oh, dear god. When I was a student, I was at a party coming down from something or other when I muttered "what this place needs is a bit of mindless t…" - says sp3ccylad
Pet Names (381 stories) - "Hitler, Wiggy, and LazyPigBoy were the names of my 3 mutant Harvest Mice. They were sisters, and each had only one eye (rejects from a zoo-based bree…" - says Station
Slang Survey (692 stories) - "hmmm I heard somebody call an all girls school a "virgin megastore". made me larff. " - says MrGomez
Irrational Fears (572 stories) - "Firey nuclear destruction, as it happens I grew up in the 70s and 80s, living in fear of the four minute warning, literally a few miles from the UK’s …" - says Scaryduck
Lies Your Parents Told You (707 stories) - "Speaking as a parent myself, and therefore lying through my teeth... My seven year old son pointed to the condom machine in the pub toilets and asked …" - says Scaryduck
Breakin' The Law (230 stories) - "If you ever get the chance, do this: Myself and two mates were pulled over in car by local five O... nothing on us but we were a bit pissed off cos it…" - says No6
Clients Are Stupid (318 stories) - "Parents are stupid First post...blah blah blah Last year my parents finally took the plunge and bought a computer to get on this t'internet that ev…" - says R. Jimlad
Dad Jokes (432 stories) - "whenever I annoy him he dances about, pointing at me and singing "I shagged your mum, I shagged your mum"." - says Zak McFlimby
Worst Record Ever (392 stories) - "Definately DJ Otzi "Hey Baby" mostly because I live in Newcastle next to the "party centre" that is the infamous Bigg Market, drunken idiots walk past…" - says fassit